Thinking of telling a friend

[Sonia_cd]

Hey everyone!

I have been thinking of telling a friend that I crossdress. My suspicion is that he is gay and has had a crush on me for a while. He works in the fashion industry and knows a lot of the same people I know which makes it a little scary for me if he decides to disclose my little secret. At the same time, I believe he might understand that I am trusting him a great deal in telling him and keep it to himself. I want to tell him and gut feel says I should, but I would love to hear your opinions.

Love,
Sonia

[Eugenie]

Hey everyone!

I have been thinking of telling a friend that I crossdress. My suspicion is that he is gay and has had a crush on me for a while. He works in the fashion industry and knows a lot of the same people I know which makes it a little scary for me if he decides to disclose my little secret. At the same time, I believe he might understand that I am trusting him a great deal in telling him and keep it to himself. I want to tell him and gut feel says I should, but I would love to hear your opinions.

Love,
Sonia

Hi Sonnia,

Obviously you're the only one to really be able to decide... It all depends upon whether the trust you place in him is really as strong as you say it is. It also depends on how bad it would be for you if he would let other people know about your x-dressing.

The fact that he is in the fashion industry means that he will be sensitized to your love for beautiful women clothes and is bound to understand your desire to wear such clothes.

The fact that he has had a crush on you for a while may be a two edges sword... If he likes you as a man, he may not be turned on by the idea of seing you "en femme"... But he could also want to be nice to you and accept your x-dressing.

One other thing is your own feeling about having a personal relation with a person who may want to become your lover at a future stage...

Seen from my point of view and totaly aware of the fact that I'm not in your shoes, I would really love to be in a similar situation and I would do my best to come out to that person, trying to present my x-dressing in the most positive way possible...

I hope it will work out for the best for you...

:hugs:
Eugenie

[MJ]

Just remember once it's out there you can't take it back..

[Carla4Guage]

Let me re-emphasize what MJ said. Be sure you are OK with someone else knowing this. As the lawyers say "You can't un-ring a bell."

[girl_in_pantyhose]

i don't know many men who are gay but i can imagine they are just as competitive in the work place as those who aren't (gay). I must say that i agree with those who have already commented here but i think you can feel the waters out on this one. By that I mean, ask you friend about how he feels about crossdresser in-general. Tell him you were confronted by one some place and ask him if he knows any thing about those kind of people. If all he tells you is negative and bad stuff about us then you know it might not be a good thing to tell him you are one, unless you want to change his mind about CD's altogether but that is a harder fought up hill battle.

in college i was taught a little trick, it is called "The stake holders analysis". what you do is write down everyone and everything (like your job or friends) who would be effected by you telling him. then by each person or thing you write what your loss if he "outs you" and what you gain if he doesn't. then if the "gains" add up to a higher number than your losses then you are logically/ mathematically backed up by your decision!

well that is my :2c: personally i always error on the side of safety but that is only because i enjoy a dull mathematical life...

oh yeah always destroy the paper or computer file you used to do the analysis on or you could end up like Enron :eek:

here's a link better describing the process
http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newPPM_07.htm

[Eugenie]

Dear Sonia,

Besides the specific case of your friend, just to chear you up and make you feel somewhat more positive, I felt thatI should let you know that I've been coming out to quite a few people and never had to regret it for one second.

It is just a matter of who you come out to, how, when and where...

In a sense, the more people will know directly from you that you are an X-dresser, the less risk you will have to be discovered accidentally, which is the worst way to have people know that you are x-dressing...

In the end, remember that you're doing no harm to anybody when x-dressing...

:hugs:
Eugenie

[Chrissy8888]

Sonia,

You have received some great advice from everybody so far. So I guess this will just reinforce what you have already been told.

1. First ask yourself: Why do I want to tell him? Is it because you are very close and confide in each other? Is it because he is gay (and at least out to you) so you wish to come out to him as a cross-dresser? Or is it because you just want to come out and he seems like the most logical choice to come out to based on his sexual orientation?

2. Then just like everybody else has said ask yourself: What could happen to me if I tell him? Will he be supportive of me? Will he distance himself from me if I tell him, but say nothing to anybody else? Will he be supportive of me, but still tell everybody else?

3. The last and most important thing to ask yourself is: What will happen to me if he is supportive and tells nobody? Will I feel better about myself as I can be who I really am? Will he tell everybody or at least somebody and what will happen (or could happen)? If he does not support me what will happen to our friendship? Is it worth losing that?

I support you as a cross-dresser whole heartedly. Obviously I am one too. Having asked all of those things of you, there is some sole searching that you must do. I am actually in this phase right now. That is I am comfortable with myself at home (I hate the closet word), but am I really ready to let anybody in the world now. I also really consider personal safety. If somebody asked me if I cross-dressed I would evaluate the situation and decide if I should tell them. If I felt confident that nobody would find out than probably yes. If I wasn’t sure I would not answer the question and leave it on the table. Getting back to the personal safety issue. Because our lifestyle still defies the norms of western society we have to think of safety (as in not getting killed because of it). I do think in my future there will be baby steps towards coming out to a degree. However I seriously doubt that I will ever walk out my front door and say to the world I am a cross dresser. Well that is until it is perfectly accepted and there are no threats. My philosophy on life is “to each is own”. I really don’t care what people do so long as it does not hurt anybody. Being a cross-dresser, gay or bisexual hurts nobody as long as people are honest. However, not everybody shares that belief. I would really hate to see him tell everybody at work and you lose your job or even worse get physically harmed because of it.

I am sure this will raise more questions then answers and maybe upset a few people, for that I am sorry. However really you got to look at yourself in this issue.

[sophiya.rap]

Well...Your case is exactly like mine. I told my roommate (who is gay) about my crossdressing almost 10 months ago. My life has been much better since then. I have freedom to dress up at will. Then it really relieved me from a lot of pressure. I go out with him dressed once a month and I know for sure I am gaining confidence every day. I can spend all my energy and time in thinking about what to wear and how do I want to look today than worrying about 'What if he comes back and sees me in drag'.

It took me almost a month to prepare myself to tell him and it look some lies, plans and facts to make him comfortable around me.

BUT there are issues also. Please check my only thread on this website and you will know what I am talking about. If you need advice on how to tell him, feel free to PM me.

[Kayla_CD]

Telling someone is a way scary proposition. I've never shared my dressing with anyone in person because I don't know if they'd take it well or if I would really gain anything from it. If you know it means you could go out together and express yourself more freely and fully then go for it, but if you're only saying it to say it then it might not be worthwhile.

And a side note, a gay friend of mine once casually mentioned that he "doesn't get" crossdressers. So don't think just because someone's gay they'll be automatically understanding.

[Sonia_cd]

Wow! There are some fantastic responses here and many valuable inputs. Well the update is something like this. I told him that I am a crossdresser and he was supremely supportive. He even said he wants to dress me up and that is a response that I did not expect. The incredible sense of relief that comes from sharing something you carry with you day in and day out is hard to describe in words and I am glad I told him.

Yes, once I'm out there is no going back but regulation of that information is certainly possible. He immediately understood that I was taking a huge step in trusting him implicitely and assured me that my secret was safe with him, which was a relief. Of course he wanted to know if I was gay but that fact of the matter is that I am asexual and that was fine as well.

That done, important points have been made in your responses on the element of introspection that is necessary in my current situation. I always believed, even until a few months ago, that I was very happy in the closet. However, that seems to be rapidly changing. I keep my legs clean, I trim my eye-brows like I never did before, I want to accessorize and I want to "be seen". Where these feeling are coming from I don't know, but they are very strong and right now I am going with the flow. When he calls me over to his place the next time, I will almost certainly dress-up and I still don't know how I will react in that situation. The fact that he might have some friends (understanding ones) over only complicates the matter further. As relieved as I am, a whole new can of worms seems to have opened up.

I'll keep you all posted on what happens as they happen.

Love,
Sonia

[SandyR]

Just be careful Hun...once out, you can't put it back in the closet!

Good luck!

Hugs!

SandyR

[HalloweenDragon]

I've told gay friends that I dress up, and we ended up sleeping with each other. I told straight friends and all they said was, Please keep it UNDER your clothes around us. I admit to asking a couple of my straight friends if they wanted to fool around and have me "take care of them", and I would expect nothing in return. But the answer is always NO. Sometimes they just chuckle because they still are not used to me dressing up.

I fondly remember the first time I forgot I had my finger and toenails painted, freshly shaved from the shower and I had my anklettes on and company came by. After that, there was no hiding anything. Some straight friends will ask from time to see what I am wearing underneath. I think they are bi-curious, but of course they do not admit!

Just recently I have worked up the courage to go out and about in my femme clothing, and I sometimes fear running into friends from the past that "never saw this coming"! I tell you, society has messed up peoples point of views over gender acceptability. I'm not hurting anyone by running around in a hot, little mini skirt!!!!!

[shauna 9]

once it's out there you can't take it back..