Hurting!

[jamie_44]

Hi everyone, it's been awhile since I've posted anything. I have been transitioning for awhile. My appearance has changed a lot. My brother and sister law had been upset with me about it and had not spoken to me (1 year)until they took my dying father into their care. They called me and I got to visit. I told them to please call me and let me know how I can help. A couple days past and they called with 3 things. #1 was I had to get a hair cut! They were ashamed by my appearance and said the neighbors were asking questions about me. I was called a freak again. I said goodbye before hearing requests 2 & 3. I called back 10 minutes later and lost my cool. I said some bad things about them for which I apologized before hanging up. My mother said it would be ok if I committed suicide after my boys (11,14,15) are grown. Wow! Right now my sister in law is not allowing me to visit my dying father. Isn't that awful? I am not starting over with my hair again. What can I do to straighten this out?

[CaptLex]

Oh man, that's terrible. :eek: I'm sorry, I don't have any advice on how to deal with your family (can't even deal with mine), but I think you should stick to your guns. It's terrible that you're not allowed to see your father, but it's not you, it's them. You're willing and asking to help and all they can think about is the length of your hair and what the neighbors think?! :rolleyes:

Sounds like they need some Trans 101 stat, but all anyone can do is offer information, no one can make people read, discuss and understand. I hope things improve with your family, Jamie. :hugs:

[MJ]

#1 was I had to get a hair cut! They were ashamed by my appearance and said the neighbors were asking questions about me. I was called a freak again. I said goodbye before hearing requests 2 & 3. I called back 10 minutes later and lost my cool. I said some bad things about them for which I apologized before hanging up. My mother said it would be OK if I committed suicide after my boys (11,14,15) are grown. Wow!

omg i am so sorry to here your troubles. first of all YOU are a wonderful person never forget that hold your head up high.. now your appearance ... my god your in transition thats normal and you have any idea how many times i was call a freak .. you are not a freak please don't let it hurt you .. many many people don't understand us including our parents .. it is never OK to commit Suicide .. if you want to get Evan try showing them love and compassion ..it drives then nuts .. i am sorry about your farther but don't get your hair cut don't compromise who you are .if you do they win you lose . your better off with out family like that .. mine feel the same way about me .. it's there loss ..
please don't give up never give up on you . pm me should you want to talk
hugs mj

[kerrianna]

Wow Jamie, I'm sorry hon. :hugs:

I hate to say it but your family are all acting like grade A ...well, I won't say it. I cannot believe a mother telling her child it was all right to commit suicide.

They don't deserve you. Why do they think they have the right to tell you what to do? Just because people are family doesn't mean they own you.

What they are doing isn't just ignorant, it's cruel. I don't blame you a bit for getting mad at them.

I'm mad at them and I don't even know them! :mad:

DON'T cut your hair. DO insist on visiting your father. Ask them what's more important to them... your happiness or the neighbours 'concerns'? If they say the neighbours...well I guess that just shows how dedicated they are as family....so why should you be?

They do need some trans knowledge. But you can't force people to understand. I would hope they would make an effort to though.

I hope you can get them to see what you are all about and how they should be proud of you, not ashamed.

:hugs::hugs::hugs:

[Holly]

Jamie, I'm so sorry that you are gong through this. Your family is showing extreme ignorance in TG issues. And it is sad that that they are holding your father hostage because ot their biases. You asked what you can do...


Call back and see if it is possible for everyone to put their personal differences aside and on your father.

If they bring up you hair again, offer to wear it pulled back (but don't offer to cut it).
If the neighbor's curiosity is more important than your fathers well being, that is just such a sad commentary on your family's priorities.

Lastly, be gracious but be true to yourself, Jamie. If it doesn't work out, it will not be because you have not put forth the effort and it will be your mom, brother, and SIL who will have to live with the fact that they denied your father visitation with his son in his dying days. Very sad, indeed. Best wishes, honey.

[Victoria Anne]

Jamie I am so sorry , I understand your feelings to a point , I was denied my Grandmother at the time of her passing. You are not a freak , you ARE however a wonderful caring person and DESERVE to see your father andplease forgive me here , damn your families feelings . Its not about them it is about your father and your closure . It is just sad that at times like this people can be so insensative , that said I do agree with Mom ( Hi Holly ) do not cut your hair but do offer the compromise of wearing it pulled back and remind them that this is about your father and do offer to assist them again. As for your mother .... I am sorry , no mother should ever think that yet alone say it .... it is wrong , you are a valuable , loved and caring person , please don't let her words do you harm. I will have you in my prayers , be strong and know that my thoughts and Mrs.M's thoughts are with you.

[Sharon]

Geez, I can't imagine being a member of a family who would say such things -- I am so sorry for you, Jamie. :hugs:

What do you think will happen if you show up at the house to see your father? And, more importantly I suppose, how strong a need do you have to see him? The way I see it, you have already lost your family, so what have you to lose? The thought of letting your father pass without saying goodbye to him will weigh heavily on you if you fail to make every attempt to do so.

Whatever you do -- I wish you the very best.

[Tamara Croft]

I can't believe a mother would say such a nasty thing :( I don't know how to respond to that, I'm gobsmacked :(

:hugs:

[Wendy me]

Sharon's post covers most of it for me .... if need be i would be in court to get a order to be able to see him....what they said abought you shows who they are.... let it be don't get involved in their sillyness...........

as for your Mom i would let her know just how wrong she was to say that ..... and say to her i love you mom even though don't think that much of me ....

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Jamie

I am so sickened by this that I'm at a loss for words, I really don't know what I can say except I am so sorry that you have to go through this.

Karen Starlene :star:

[rickie121x]

Oh, I am so very sorry for the situation in which you find yourself. It is so much more powerful that the simple difficulties that we often encounter! I wish that I could know of solutions to be applied, but I am am afraid that this is what your life has trained you for, appropriately or not....

Whatever actions you take will be in your memory forever, so be true to your values, be kind, straightforward, and yet loving - and your life will be better for having done that.

I wish you peace and serenity, Rickie

[Shelly Preston]

Words will not be enough to express how I feel about this :(


Jamie for you

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

[Maggie Kay]

I started a response and deleted it because this is so upsetting and reminds me of my family. My mother disowned me not over TG but because I was out of work and we needed her help. Because of this, we went homeless for a while. We had my baby with me as well as my wife and went to churches for shelter. We managed to get out of it and built an internationally recognized business later.

I have not spoken to her in twenty years. I realized that she is toxic to me and I am better off not knowing her. It was so hard to adjust to it and I don't even know if she is still alive or where she lives. Still, her way of torturing me caused such pain that being cut off from my family is better for us to be all alone with out any help than to know her.


Sometimes, it is better to get away.

[Linda Z]

all i can say is- be STRONG despite them all.
good luck!

Linda Z

[RobynM]

What a terrible situation, an expression of sympathy just doesn't feel like enough. I agonize over my parents - my mother is somewhat confused and simply would not take in the information and my father ( who is 83) has quite enough on his plate looking after her. The difference is that I have a totally supportive Brother and Sister and we're working on it together, just now i feel very fortunate.
As for advice, only you know your family and your own limits; personally I'd turn up on the doorstep, hair pulled back and wearing a hat of some sort and demand access: but then I'm a very direct sort of woman and I don't mind flipping into androgynous when it suits me, doesn't work for everyone.

[Sejd]

I am sorry to hear how aweful your family is treating you. But one thing is clear. Don't cut your hair. You are who you are and that's case closed! Maybe next time you talk to your family on the phone, try to not let their ignorance get in your way, and just be your wonderful self.
Courage my sister!
hugs
Sejd

[AmberTG]

Well, you know you can lead a person to knowledge, but you can not make them learn it! I agree with the others, they're the ones with the problem, not you!

[Cathii]

First things first, this is YOUR father and not your sister-in-law's. Do not talk to her at all. I am sure you will find it is her that is initiating most of this. Speak only to your brother about visiting your father. Use the emotional card if you have to, but mostly just use reason with him.

On conditions - Do NOT cut your hair or alter your appearance for them AT ALL. There should only be one condition for you to see your father, that you love him.... all else is bullsh*t and shouldn't enter into it.

Tell them how petty they are and DO NOT apologise for anything until they realise they owe you an apology. You have nothing to be sorry for.... Of course you might feel sorry for your brother for having the misfortune of marrying such a b*tch........ Believe me, if she is like this with you then she is definitely like this with him. Leopards always have spots!!!!!

If they are so concerned about the neighbours, then go to each of the neighbours houses, knock on the door and introduce yourself. Make sure you do this at a time that both your sister-in-law and brother are home and will notice your car parked directly outside their house. Tell the neighbours that your sister-in-law is refusing to allow you to see your dying father because she is scared of what the neighbours will think. The neighbours might not know or like you, but after hearing what a b*tch your sister-in-law is they won't like her much either! When you have done that knock on your brothers door and ask to see your father cause now ALL the neighbours know you......

All of what I have written seems, and IS, a bit low and under handed. But when you fight a war, you play by the enemies rules or else you will lose.........

How can I be so sure this will work? Well this is how I am dealing with my own sister-in-law from hell...... and it works.....

[Sandra]

Wow how nasty of your mum to say that, as for the rest most has been said I don't know of anything else to say.

Just hope this helps a little :hugs:

[surabhi singh]

thats very sad to read out ... I wonder whats going to happen to me if I come out .iam scared tooo


hugs to jamie :hugs:

[lynn27]

I'd call back and TELL them, don't ask, you are coming to see YOUR father. Then go and see him as much and as often as you need to.

They have no right to dictate how you look or what you wear. That is your dad, you have every right to see him and they are going to have to deal with who you are.

I'm dealing with a similar issue, my father in law, Jack, who is 97 is fading. My wife and I have had him living with us and she has cared for him for the last 14 years. He broke his hip last week and is not doing well. My extreme 'right wing nut' brother in law is being his usual self [I'm still wearing male clothing out but my hair is well past my shoulders]. I've been going to feed Jack during the day, once the nut was there with one of his 15 minute visits and acted like I should leave [this nut hasn't lifted a finger to help with his parents in 14 years], well I just ignored the nut, brushed past him and took my place at Jack's side.

Go take your place at your dad's side.
Hi everyone, it's been awhile since I've posted anything. I have been transitioning for awhile. My appearance has changed a lot. My brother and sister law had been upset with me about it and had not spoken to me (1 year)until they took my dying father into their care. They called me and I got to visit. I told them to please call me and let me know how I can help. A couple days past and they called with 3 things. #1 was I had to get a hair cut! They were ashamed by my appearance and said the neighbors were asking questions about me. I was called a freak again. I said goodbye before hearing requests 2 & 3. I called back 10 minutes later and lost my cool. I said some bad things about them for which I apologized before hanging up. My mother said it would be ok if I committed suicide after my boys (11,14,15) are grown. Wow! Right now my sister in law is not allowing me to visit my dying father. Isn't that awful? I am not starting over with my hair again. What can I do to straighten this out?

[Lora Olivia]

This thread makes me positively sick. My god, how can anyone be so selfish as to try to keep you from visiting and maybe helping with the care of your dying father. I also like the idea of maybe knocking on the neighbors doors and introducing yourself and explaining the situation. And your Mother, grrrrrrrr :slap:, I am imagining letters written to your boys to be read after you have done the unthinkable. "Grandma said that it would be for the best if I just killed myself as long as I waited until you were raised." I am not usually 1 for hellfire and damnation but if there is such a place I would hope that there is a reserved seat for her in the 1st row. God how I would love to walk up to her and just say, "you silly ****ing B***h, she's your daughter now love her like a mother should". I would strongly think of calling your so called "brother" and demanding your rights. Sorry to rant on, it just makes me so :Angry3:

:hugs: sister I truly feel for you

[lynn27]

actually,

if your father wants to see you, and is able to verbalize that, they cannot stop you from coming into their home to see him. While he is in their home he enjoys certain rights as their tenant, one of those being the right to have visitors during reasonable hours.

[Stephenie B]

Baby Girl,
I'm sorry that this is happening to you. I went thru the same thing when my father was dieing. My mon was horifird that her son was turning into a girl. I said that that dosen't matter right now. I saw my father the day before he died, and he smiled at me and squeezed my hand, right then I knew that we had made peace, and I could let him go after that. I'm crying right now because I am reliving the hurt. I feel for you!, but you need to make peace with your dad, and do NOT let anything/ anyone stand in your way from doing that, or it will haunt you forever. You can deal with the rest of the family later. I know that it is hard, but you must stand strong. I have 5 kids myself and now there are all good with what I have done. Very few people can understand how hard it is for us "girls". You are a valuable person, Please don't let frustrated people tell you any different. God Bless you and your kids.
Huggs

[celtic.blue.eyes]

Dealing with ignorance is always tough, and sometimes requires drastic action, especially where time is of the essence. You could try some of the following. (Maybe I'll think of some more, but here are some starters.)
1) See a lawyer and get a court order allowing you visitation.
2) Contact the local TV stations and newspapers and see if you can get a story done on the situation.
3) Pickett in front of their house, and hand out leaflets to people, explaining the situation. (Don't forget to make up some extra signs for friends and sympathizers that may want to help).

[jamie_44]

Hi,
A huge thanks for all the comments, I can not say enough about how I feel about you all taking the time from your schedules and giving me advice.
Here's where I am right now. I left a voice mail on my brother's machine and apologized for the bad things I said about them, I also told him I was sorry about the additional stress of dealing with me on top of the situation with my Dad. I told him that I want to help and I have to see my Dad.
I am trying to be the bigger person here. I'll see how it goes.
I really don't want to get nasty unless I absolutely need to.
I talked to my Dad on the phone today, ( I told him I love him and want to see him) and bless his heart because he actually tried to say some things to me. (it sounds like Chinese whispering to me). I told him I have'nt learned his new language yet. My mother told me he was trying to say thanks!
It's been rough. I am hanging in there and getting stronger.

[breanna53]

i had issues with my family years ago, 1st off it was not over cross dressing or transition, but things both of us did. End result was alot like your situation. I was not allowed to talk with any of my family members. It took years. In the mean time all i could do was go on and live my life. Time cured alot of things, and i now have a relationship with my family.
The only advice i can offer you is you have to stay strong and do not fall into the trap and believe you are a freak. Be confident in yourself and abilities. Do not doubt yourself. I am sorry I don't have a definate answer for you.