Fantasies Vs. Desires

[Wickanne GG]

Fantasies are a wonderful outlet…a great escape from reality, not a substitute for reality. One has complete control of the events of the fantasy; the participants (even when faceless), the actions, and the emotions, which is why real life seldom lives up to the fantasy…we have no control over the real emotions and reactions of another person. People often confuse fantasy with desires…they are completely different things.

I am attracted to men and women, but women are the fantasy. Faceless females, who are like “puppets” which I direct in every scene. I have often wondered what it would be like to act on those fantasies and have fantasized about acting out those fantasies. The closet I ever come to it was my involvement with a MTF cross-dresser. I have no real desire to be with a GG…they just don’t have the anatomy I enjoy…that I desire. (No, a strap-on would not do it for me.) I have a latex “therapist” and it is not the same as the real deal.

Fantasies can be, oh so healthy, fun and fuzzy, but fantasies have an odd way of creeping into our relationships. Example: There is nothing wrong with desiring a member of the same sex. There is nothing wrong with acting out those desires, but when in a relationship one has to realise how one lets it effect the relationship. It’s the lies associated with the fantasies. Telling someone you are involved with that you have no interest in a member of the same sex but continue to seek out men and/or women leads to the destruction of trust…it’s a betrayal. I had fantasies/desires affect a relationship.

I have spent a couple of months with a therapist/counsellor…I have forgiven, I have apologised, I have accepted that we were not a “couple” because of the dynamics of the relationship, and I have accepted I wasn’t the one for him, which is why he continued to seek out men as well as other women. Perhaps the fantasies were a symptom of something else…his escape from me? I am happy he found someone (and a very dear friend) to talk to about it.

Your experience(s):

Have you ever had your fantasies/desires impact a relationship in a positive or negative way?

If you are single, has it affected you in a positive or negative way?

[Joy Carter]

Crossdressing a fantasy ? More of a completion of the total me. The rest is just too private.

[Wickanne GG]

Cross-dressing as a fantasy?

I suppose for some it could be.

[docrobbysherry]

Cross-dressing as a fantasy?

I suppose for some it could be.

If you've read many recent posts, they've touched on this subject in one way or another. One of the conclusions was: Fantasy or not, CDing is either competition, or imagined competition, for your SO.

I'm a single, straight, old, closet CD. My fantasies naturally involve young, hot women. At present, I am my own hottest date. As u can see from my avatar. This presents competition for my dates, which r all older ladies.
They don't know I CD, so they r not aware they r competing with Sherry. But, I know! And if one of them becomes my SO, she'll find out then!

I hope U can see where u fit in this equation?
RS

[Wickanne GG]

I don't have a SO. I have been single for over 20 years.

Your fantasies are your fantasies.

The example in my OP was just that, an example. This thread wasn't meant to stick to sexual fantasies...it's not like there aren't enough of those threads already.

I know some people that had desires to be a doctor...some became doctors and some are not doctors. A person comes here with a desire to be a doctor but ends up working in a corner store. It had an impact on him and his relationships.

[heidi99]

Fantasies are a wonderful outlet…a great escape from reality, not a substitute for reality. One has complete control of the events of the fantasy; the participants (even when faceless), the actions, and the emotions, which is why real life seldom lives up to the fantasy…we have no control over the real emotions and reactions of another person. People often confuse fantasy with desires…they are completely different things.

Absolutely correct about them being totally different things! I acted out some of my fantasies with my first fiance and as you say, it just didn't work as well as it did in my mind (more because in a fantasy, as you say, you can "fuzz" out the face.) Some things are better left for the brain to do, rather than the body. ;) I would think that knowing this actually would make one better at relationships because one wouldn't risk the relationship to try to pursue something ethereal. So does one TELL the fantasies to the partner, or just keep them in the mind for our own private indulgence? Interesting post!

[Chiana]

Since I am not in a relationship, my fantasies only impact me. But lately, fantasies are something I have thought a lot about. But I have no one to talk to about this subject. Some of my fantasies are pretty simple, casual even. If there is such a thing. Others are much deeper and actually kind of scary to me. For example, the stereotypical fantasy of being made to dress by some girl/woman is always fun. But right now, it is actually not very exciting (stimulating) to me. The fantasy of being with a guy is much more exciting. Do you do anything about your fantasies? Do you dare to act out on them? I sometimes think that I am at a fork in the road. On one fork, my thoughts remain as fantasies but the other fork leads down that other path towards reality. But these thoughts scare me. As a matter of fact, I find myself reluctant to discuss it, even in the relative anonimity of the internet. But at this time in my life I am finding that I think I want to be desireable (to a guy). I think I want to be wanted (by a guy). But I am afraid to take any steps toward finding, meeting, seeing or being with anyone. I am afraid of failing in any relationship but I think I am also equally afraid of succeeding in any relationship. So for now, it all remains a fantasy. A weird scary fantasy.

[Wickanne GG]

...So does one TELL the fantasies to the partner, or just keep them in the mind for our own private indulgence? Interesting post!

To share or not to share, that is the million dollar question.

It's individual, it's trust, it's honesty...it also depends on the ability of the one sharing the fantasy or desire to appreciate the reaction of the listener of the fantasy or desire...all variables in deciding whether to share a fantasy or a desire. Over the years, I have noticed an interesting pattern to the method of one revealing a fantasy or desire. Often it starts out as a testing of the waters. The next step would be similar to the first but the fantasy or desire changes a little and each step up the ladder the fantasy changes. One is often mislead into thinking that the first version of the fantasy was a lie and that now the truth is evolving. The first version wasn't a deliberate lie but simply a test of trust and reaction. I would think if one wants to share a fantasy that one should try to share the whole truth in the beginning to avoid the, "that's not what you said the first time!", keep the confusion to a minimum.


Chiana...I hope you find someone you trust enough to talk to :hugs: :hugs:

[MarinaTwelve200]

My forced fem and "becoming a woman" fantasies are just that---Fantasies, and while erotic and that in that form are fine, but judging from my own fighting reactions when such things threatened to happen to me in RL, I can say with certanty that, in my case, fantasy and Real Life do not corespond.

In further anyalisis of why this might be, I have concluded that a "Vicarious experience" (fantasy) needs to be much more intense and outlandish than a RL experience to produce the same degree of "excitement" and furthermore may involve Masochistic elements that would be horrifying to me in RL.

I don't think that I am the only one subject to this effect. I dare say that MANY of us may THINK we really want our fantasies realized in RL, but they are really things that we really do NOT want to happen to us---Thats likely part of WHY the fantasies excite us so much.

Bottom line is you CANNOT be sure that your fantasy is what you REALLY want. It is a prime example of the mind fooling itself. The eroticicisim of the concept can overwhelm the thought process making us beleive what MAY be the opposite of what we would desire.

I am not saying that this is the case for EVERYONE, but NONE of us can be really sure untill it happens (or looks like it might) in RL---HOW we REACT tells us the truth, not what we think we think.

[shirley1]

its a dicey subject - fantasys in many ways i firmly believe should be that - however if your doing something that doesnt involve anyone else then i dont think its a problem - but if for say example you have a fantasy involving say in my case giving a guy oral and yet i am 99.9% convinced i'm straight then that could be a problem if you somehow get to the point where you think you need to try converting the fantasy to a reality - even if you could go through with it could it not leave you with a bitter taste in your mouth ! (excuse the pun!)

[Chrissy8888]

I just had to weigh in on this. It is a great topic. I agree that a fantasy is a great release from the day to day stress. Some fantasies we do live out. When we are kids we all fantasize about having the love of our life. Most of us realize that fantasy at some point. I think you have to look at the fantasy and decide if it is something you want as a reality and are willing to pay the consequences later. For example, I may want to go out on the town fully dressed. However am I ready to face the reality that I might get seen by somebody I know? Or even worse get “busted” by somebody who is intolerant of my lifestyle and get hurt? So my fantasy is to go out dressed but I am not ready for that so I “just fantasize about it”. That to me is healthy.

Your experience(s):

Have you ever had your fantasies/desires impact a relationship in a positive or negative way?

If you are single, has it affected you in a positive or negative way?


I have tried a making a fantasy of my reality. I am going to say that in that situation I walked away from it neutral. It neither affected me in a positive or negative way. So I think that maybe I should try again. However I think it was a neutral experience because I was not real sure what I was doing. When I am ready to try again, then I will try again. Either it will become a reality or (even though it is done again) it will go back to being a fantasy. There is nothing wrong with that.

I am single. That has its pluses since what you are doing only affects you and not a significant other. However as I said my experience was neutral.

[teresa jeen]

i want my fanticies(?) to come true . thats why i have them. i dont have illusions of things that couldnt happen but things that could. to be a female in the largest sense is just one of them. im not sure if i ever will see them to fruition is another thing. they are just fantasys(?)

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

If fantasies were an everyday thing... then they would eventually turn out boring.
I like to keep exploring new ideas in fantasy costuming, new hair, makeup etc to continually evolve.

Zara

[Raychel]

Sure I have fantasies from time to time. Do I share them with my wife. Not very often, But sometimes, depending on what they are about.

I have a fantasy of selling my house and buying a motorhome and touring the country. That will probably never really happen. But it is fun to think about. My knows about that one.

I have a fantasy that I would be able to dress however I wanted at home and it would not be an issue with anyone. Never having to fear that someone will come home and find me. My wife doesn't know about that one.

I also have fantasies that include my wife in the bedroomm which I should not talk about here. She surely does not know about them. She would definitly not apporve. these could cause issue in our relationship and will stay just in my head forever. :straightface:

[Deborah Jane]

I have a fantasy about finding an accepting woman who will let me dress as i please and enjoy it with me! But alas i fear that will always remain a fantasy:(. I also fantasise about becoming rich, but i doubt that one will ever come true either:(:(. Oh well, back to reality, i expect some people fantase about aspects of my life [i can dress whenever i want, i work on and own fast cars, etc:happy:]. Things could be worse.

[melissacd]

A very good post and a great subject area...

If you have lived a life of denial where you have bottled up so much of your playful self expression (as many cross dressers do) and only focussed on the day to day of life ( making a living, acquiring material things, raising a family, maintaining a house...always doing the "right" thing) when that structure starts to fall away, such as in failure of a long term relationship, when you gain the freedom to explore things that you never could (but always desired) before, it is possible to totally lose perspective and behave in ways that hurt everyone around you. You are a kid in a candy store and suddenly everything that was bottled up explodes out into the world. It creates a very selfish and self serving behaviour (I stand guilty as charged and feel awful about all of the pain this has caused).

Fantasy, whether sexual or otherwise, is that step into some forbidden world that once you cross the threshold it changes. That is why fantasies should be kept mental imaginings, as they will never, when acted upon in real life, live up to our wild fabrications and while pursuing the gold at the end of the rainbow we will cause much (unintended) collateral damage.

What this shows me is that life has to be about balance, a balance that I have yet to achieve, where it contains the things that we have to do to live and the things that we need to do to enjoy life (play). By living a life that is all work and little play suddenly fantasy becomes a huge and obsessive desire that once acted upon can have some extremely negative consequences.

[AmandaM]

I have had fantasies about, y'know, the usual stuff. Me as a woman with both men and women. Femdom with my wife or girlfriends through the ages. Y'know, the usual CD fantasies. If I could tell them to my wife, and possibly take advantage of some of them, I would. But, I won't seek out others to fulfill these fantasies while married. So, they stay in the realm of the married guy who eyes his neighbor's wife, just to look, but never touch.

[MJ]

you raise a good question . sadly for me my ex was not accepting and so i have never acted out my Fantasies and i have never found anyone to play out my desires with .. yes my life sucks :tongueout

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

I have a fantasy about finding an accepting woman who will let me dress as i please and enjoy it with me! But alas i fear that will always remain a fantasy:(. I also fantasise about becoming rich, but i doubt that one will ever come true either:(:(. Oh well, back to reality, i expect some people fantase about aspects of my life [i can dress whenever i want, i work on and own fast cars, etc:happy:]. Things could be worse.

You shouldn't think that way because she really is out there waiting to be discovered. Be the best you can be. Be CONFIDENT in who you are and come back here to brag when you find out I'm right ;)

*hugs*
Zara

[laura.lapinski]

Absolutely correct about them being totally different things! I acted out some of my fantasies with my first fiance and as you say, it just didn't work as well as it did in my mind (more because in a fantasy, as you say, you can "fuzz" out the face.) Some things are better left for the brain to do, rather than the body. ;) I would think that knowing this actually would make one better at relationships because one wouldn't risk the relationship to try to pursue something ethereal. So does one TELL the fantasies to the partner, or just keep them in the mind for our own private indulgence? Interesting post!

If the fantasy won't hurt the other person, and moreover, involve them in it, then it is probably a good thing to tell your mate. However, some fantasies are best kept in your own mind. We don't have to share every thought we think of. Your mind is the ultimate laboratory of experimentation, and the safest. It is totally, and completely one think to think something, and another thing to actually do it.

Laura

[chrissietoo]

fantasies can certainly impact relationships! isn't maturity the process of sorting out fantasy and reality?

sometimes our fantasies about someone can obscure who they really are, and (besides diminishing them as people) can lead to big messes.

sometimes our fantasies mesh with who our friends and lovers really are, and then it's like leaping over the moon!

i agree with many of the girls here that dressing is not a fantasy for me...it's an expression of who i am. when we appreciate other's expressions, good things happen.

i have a close gg friend. we always liked each other, i think, because she's a boyish, pretty girl--my ultimate fantasy--and i'm a femme man--a 'type' that appeals strongly to her--but...things never quite clicked.

last year was wow'd by another girl (her first) and has since moved in with her. my friend has blossomed with confidence and strength and beauty, and as a result, our friendship has also ripened and the time we spend together is very happy and exciting for both of us, a merging of fantasy and reality as we both continue to follow our hearts.

[bonnielad]

Hi,
I sure hope you find your way with your fanaties/realities. I'm sure that you deserve to finally fulfill things with a man. I bet you can find someone who will accept you the way you are. This seems liek a very safe place to work on things.

All the best,
Erika

[shirley1]

what is startin to worry me a bit is i have never been attracted to a guy in my life ! but have only been on the net 4 months - but reading some of these fantasy stories ! ie given men oral while dressed - how can that turn me on if i'm completely straight ! i've never considered i might be bi sexual but maybe i am - or maybe i' just gettin confused between fantasy and reality !

[Michellebej]

When I was married I was very open and honest with my wife. She, however; was very closed mouthed and secretive about her past and her fantasies.

It turned out that my fantasies as a women were the same as her fantasies as a woman. The difference being that she would never admit to it unless she was extreamly aroused or drunk. And; would then, subsequently, deny that she had said anything.

She would absolutely insist on me verbalizing my fantasies while we were being intimate. This heightened the experiance for both of us.

Afterwards, invariably she would treat me like "damaged goods" and tell me what a "horrible girl" I was and how a "real woman" would never do those things.

Yes; life would be kinda strained till that night when she wanted me to do the same thing again.

That cycle went on for fourteen years. And; yes, we were that rare couple that maintained night relations every night of those fourteen years.

Which added up to a lot of guilt on her part! This led, in part, to her seeking out her new husband. A very vanilla type of guy with an almost non existant libido.

That "happiness" of a vanilla, fantasyless, lifestyle lasted long enough for me to divorce her. And; now years later she hates me for not waiting for her to come to her senses.

Love

Michelle