What the heck am I doing?

[LilahCD]

So, I came out to my family and friends months ago, now. I've shown up at a very redneck place clean-shaven, wearing male (yet very gaudy) clothing, mascera and eyeliner (which I know now to be a faux pas), expunged my life of most hetero friends, even gone and bought myself my own clothing and makeup.

Yet I still never dress up... And I'm still living in a social vacuum.

It should be so easy.. after all, everything I stand to lose by exploring my female side has already been lost, the harm has been done and I'm free of people I called friends just so I could avoid being completely alone, all the while being oh-so-careful to not reveal the slightest limpness of wrist, watching the way I walk, talk and generally act to the point that I don't know who I am anymore...

10 months. 10 months ago I came out, bought my first (very conservative) dress, hose and other underwear.. and still I sit here in my free time, dressing only in my bra, not even bothering to shave my face whenever I feel the need to let Lilah out.

Here I sit at this terminal, with you readers as my only friends.. and I've already shot myself in the foot here.

Do i not want to be happy? Is that it? I look at myself in the mirror and, while I'm definitely male, there are more delicate aspects of my face which I could play up and other features, like relatively heavy brows, which could be plucked and made up so that at worst (LoL) I look like a somewhat attractive, yet mostly ugly woman.

The ugliness of my features don't drive me away.. It's as if it isn't worth the effort because no matter how much I want to, and no matter how good it makes me feel, I'll still have to wash it off before my roomate (who I act as care provider for) gets home. He says he accepts that side of me, yet... the look in his eyes as he looks into my eyeliner-enhanced pair tells a different story.

Maybe I'm a coward. Maybe I'm afraid of running into those I've alienated while in denail and being given the third degree, an attack I don't feel I have the right to defend against after some of my worse quotes ("Any MAN who dresses as a woman is lying to himself and holding back our society" :()

I know I haven't made the best impression on these boards.. Maybe I am just a deluded jerk who misses being called "young lady" all the way 'till I was in my 20's every other time I shaved, who attacked all those around me who had the courage to express their better aspects.. Maybe I'm just a pervert.

If any of the above is true, they are other truths converging around one central truth: I am Human... and I am hurting.

I don't know what my point in posting this was; probably just need to vent in a semi-anonymous fashion, a chance to feel a little more "normal" as I sit here in front of this terminal, face unshaven and unmade, hair brushed conservatively back, wearing a bra one size too big with not one other scrap of female clothing on me..

Well.. I think the storm inside has blown itself out, for now.. thank you to any who read this, I just needed to vent.. and I'm sorry.

[Wendy me]

kick back relax a bit.... lol red necks ... i have been outed to all my red neck hunting buds.... no big deal .... you say you only wear a bra... relax you might be way too over thinking this ... it's so not the end of the world..............

[Alayna]

some of what you said sounds a little familiar to me in the tone that you take. Have you been diagnosed with depression at all? It may or may not be a factor, but it's worth looking into if you think there's something to this. Depression manifests itself in many different ways for people, and you could be hit by it harder than you think.

On the other hand, maybe you're just stressing out about this change in your life, and CDing is causing some guilty feelings (justified or not)

I hope you find your way, whatever road you decide to take:hugs:

[Julie York]

What's making you unhappy is that your expectations and how to express yourself and your feelings, are wrong. You are assuming that if you have certain feelings that they should be expressed in a certain way...wearing particular things in a particular way. And because you aren't comfortable doing that, you feel bad.




YOUR feelings are only expressed in YOUR way. There are no rules.

[LilahCD]

Alayna:

You're right; I have been diagnosed with depression, but I don't think my CDing is related to that. I'll feel better or worse depending on the day, weather, season or whatever, but it doesn't seem to affect my desire to CD... If I'm unhappy, I'll be unhappily dressed as much as I dare; if I'm happy, I'll be quite happily dressed likewise. There are times when I'm feeling "down" and dressing up a little helps to lift that, but once again.. unhappy or not, I always seem to want to dress.


Julie:

I don't feel "wrong" or uncomfortable when dressed, at least not conciously. On the very rare occasions when I do dress up, the only time I feel in the wrong is when I cross my living room with the windows open, and that's only because of my redneck neighbors I get along with, and my other redneck neighbors who I don't get along with. :p Otherwise, I feel at peace with myself and quite resentful when I have to strip it all off. Once again, Julie: I do not feel bad in any way when I dress, make up and act feminine, not uncomfortable at all if I don't push myself to act more "girly" and just be happy being me.

All here do have a point, though; I seem to be overthinking things. I was probably a bit too rash in outing myself to my "friends", but I was just sick of hiding and honestly, stupid as it sounds, I figured after that point everything would fall into place.

[battybattybats]

Give your Roomie time to adjust internally.
Sometimes it take a little while for the unconscious biases to be stamped out by the conscious decision to accept. The more they are exposed to slow gradual change the easier it will be.

As for being worried about your own past wrongs...
Everyone has to have the chance to learn, to change their mind, to grow.
Good on you! Good on you for acknowledging that things you'd said in the past were wrong! A person who does that is a better person than one who was right from the start because they have never had to face that challenge!

:hugs:

Now you have to work on forgiving yourself. If you think it'll help seek out those you hurt in the past and say sorry to them. They may forgive you, they may not, that's up to them. It won't make your past words go away but as far as I'm concerned it's a very valuable and wonderful thing for someone to say they were wrong and that they are sorry. Even if you can't bring yourself to do that the very fact that you have acknowledged that you said bad things in the past makes you a rare and valuable person in my eyes.

Good on you.

[charlie]

Hello Lilah!
Try this. Find out where a TG bar is and dress and go there. Everyone else there will have been through a lot of what you are feeling. If you enjoy it, so be it. If you feel strange and odd being dressed as a women in a public place (well a TG bar) then perhaps being a CD is not really what you want to be doing.

[shirley1]

its no consolation to you but i have almost told or dropped a few hints to a few friends - i have now decided not to tell anyone directly until i am absolutely sure in myself how far i am going with my cding - i dont think people need to know unless theres a real risk theyll find out from some other means - but i understand why we want to tell people (why shouldnt we) why should you have to have keep cding a secret from people - my stance is this life is all about perception - people see people differently - i saw people including myself and my friends differently 20 years ago when i was 19 - what i'm trying to say is its society thats the problem if men wore womens clothes makeup ect in everyday life it would be just seen as the norm - women only look better than us in skirts dresses ect - because thats how we are programmed to see things - look back in history in the 17th century men wore wigs makeup , dandy clothin frills ect - part of the guilt is thinking you are going against your gender role, and worrying about what people will think - its a load of crap ! one day we'll all be six foot under and knowone will give a damn whether you prefered wearing skirts or trousers ! if i've gone off the thread a bit i apologise but just wanted to put this point across

[Tasha T]

10 months. 10 months ago I came out, bought my first (very conservative) dress, hose and other underwear.. and still I sit here in my free time, dressing only in my bra, not even bothering to shave my face whenever I feel the need to let Lilah out.


Crossdressing can be a lot of hard work. I don't know how many times I've not bothered to shave or do my makeup or get fully dressed or whatever even when I had the time and desire to do so. I guess we all can be lazy sometimes.

And if I recall, in my first 10 months of "being a crossdresser" things weren't always so great. At 9 1/2 months I purged out of guilt and threw everything into a dumpster. A few days later I had a change of heart and went back into that dumpster and retrieved whatever I had not destroyed or wasn't covered in garbage. I decided to continue on even though I felt like a freak and knew in my heart that my "friends" and society in general would never accept me.

It's not always easy living this life and you are going to have your ups and downs. And if you deal with depression, like I do, it may be even tougher at times, but don't give up and don't let yourself get down. Do the things you need to do in order to make your life better and remember that you are not alone in your struggle.

[mykhelee]

Two and a half years after my "LAST AND FINAL" divorce I came out to my close group of friends. It became a lot smaller, but, thankfully, closer. I don't fully dress often, the opportunities just aren't there. I don't have to be fully dressed all the time. I have some really nice satin jammies to wear to bed and I lock the door. To work, I go in full drab:( when home I at least have a nice pair of panties on. On the very rare occasions I have the house to myself, I restrict myself to skirts and blouses that I can speed change out of if needed. After 10 p.m. I just won't answer the door.:devil:
The point is: do what feels right to you. I never think, " I've all this wardrobe and It never comes out" When it does it does and so do I.