The Big Femme Experiment

[melissacd]

As some of you may know, last year my spouse of 25 years and I decided to end our relationship. We have continued to live in the same house with our kids since we decided last February to split so it has been almost a year since that fateful day.

Recently, a CD friend of mine and I found a house for rent. We have spent the past few weeks fixing it up and tonight after much work we will do our final clean up so that we can move in this week-end.

As part of fixing up this place we have allocated one of the bedrooms to be a big walk in closet where we will store and organize our things and set up a makeup area (this is a case where being in the closet is a good thing). The room will have a very femme flair to it, a sanctuary in effect.

So now for the big experiment...this will be the first time in my life where I will have total freedom to dress as I please and as much as I want. My plan is to spend as much time as I can en femme and to use this as a base of operations for getting out into the world on my personal time as much as I can en femme. The only times that I see that I will need to be in male mode are when with family or at a work site. I am self employed and work from home a lot so I will finally be able to realize that dream of being able to work at a job where I can work en femme and in this case the boss (me) has no issue with that.

So the experiment is really a test of how deep and how wide my femme side really is. I will have the opportunity to be as femme as I want and find out whether I want more of this, as in being femme 7/24 or whether after doing this day in and day out that the novelty will wear off and I will relegate this part of myself to the hobby category where I dress for events rather than all the time.

It is an interesting test and I really want to push myself on this. It has cost me a great deal personally to get to the point where I can try this out so I am both excited and scared at the same time. I have no idea how this will really play out, however, I hope that it will enable me to really dig deep and understand more completely this side of who I am.

[Nicole Erin]

Oh my GAWD I cannot even imagine how nice it would be to have a CD bedroom.
Vanity, mirrors, pink walls, shoe racks, makeup arrangements looking good enough to be at the mall, beauty books, your very own dressing studio! :D

Please sister please, take some photos of this project when it is finished or at least close. This promises to be awesome! You are going to have a blast with this!

Wow, can anyone else imagine how awesome it would be to have an elaborate room devoted solely to the femme side?

[jennifer41356]

Thats why I like living alone...I can put my clothes anywhere I want and have my place look anyway I want and I can wear whatever I want and whenever I want...the freedom is so very nice:love:

[jaimecdww]

I have wondered countless times what it would be like to have more freedom in my life to just be me. I would love to be able to spend a week or more in total fem and experience it on a grand scale.

Please keep us posted :)

[KeriB]

Jaime, I share the same thoughts.... I will have kind of an opportunity this spring, however, as I'm scheduled to go to OKC for two weeks of training. So, day classes and then the evenings are my own, including the big weekend. I want to see if I can find any groups there - I have not ventured out yet but am dying to do so....

[Linda C]

Soooo jealous - Let us know how it goes :happy:

[Andine]

Good for you !
Must feel great to have taken the bull by the horns and sorted all this out ... There must have been some seriously hard bits in there that you have stepped over ... thats courage and dedication!

I know that some of us would like nothing better than going 24/7 enfemme, but that is not so for all of us. I find that I prefer Male mode for some activities, and Female mode for others.
In your case the neighbours will get used to seeing males and females in the house, and neither will raise eyebrows, giving you the best of both possibilities !!

Well done ... interested in how it goes ... post piccies plz!

Good luck you spunk!

[Marvina Martian]

I too have contemplated turning one of my rooms into a CD room....I'd like to see some pics when you get it all done!

[Dawn Marie]

Melissa, sorry to hear about the breakup, but things will get better. And It seems you are heading in the right direction. Yes you must post some pics of the room when it is done. I am so jealous. Good luck and God Bless.

[Ann Smith]

.. are going to lead to a great CD coming-out trend. Not to take your story and hijack into a sociological, trendy, concepty thing, but really, you will go ahead and probably get your girl thing on very notably.

Then there will be one more t-girl more out-of-closet than in-closet. Doing it all very charmingly, I am sure...

And from that will flow another and another and another...

Until CD-ing becomes a fine, out-there, fun, cool part of a better society.

I/M/H/O

Ann

[Lori SC]

Wow Melissa! I wish you luck and happiness - you probably deserve it after what happend the past year.

I hope it turns out as wonderful as you imagine it. Keep us posted on your progress, it should make an interesting story.

Hugz. Lori

[breanna53]

I wish you all the luck

[Kate Simmons]

Good luck with that Melissa. I did that awhile ago. What happened is that I moved out of our bedroom when my wife was here and I moved to a room in the basement, which is basically "girl land" where all my stuff is. As many may know, my wife eventually moved out and went to live with relatives as she could not handle the CDing. So now, here I am retired , living alone. I guess you could consider that a "paradise". As you say, however, the novelty did wear off and it's really not that big of a deal as it was in the beginning and actually I don't dress as much as I used to. The difference is that I can be Sal whenever I want and that it is totally my choice to do that as there are no other external factors to consider.

Settling into everyday life with that option can get pretty mundane sometimes though. I've even come to the point when it's basically a nusiance to shave or get "gussied up" sometimes, especially when I have other stuff to do but I always feel better when I have the time and take the time to look nice. These days though, unless I'm going out to the club or doing something special with my friends, I don't bother and it seems pointless for me to get dolled up just to go to the store as it does very little for me. This was my experience with "real life" and the real world I guess. It's okay I guess but not really the "ultra feminine" exsistence most of us imagine for me anyway.:happy:

[melissacd]

Thank you all for your wonderful comments. I apologize for not responding sooner, however, I was in the process of packing and moving.

I am sitting here on day two of the great femme experiment in my new femme pajamas, pink housecoat, warm fuzzy socks and lovely fluffy slippers looking at the mess around me that needs to be unpacked, but reveling in the freedom to dress this way and walk around the house. I sure hope that the novelty does not wear off.

We have turned one of the three bedrooms into a giant walk in closet (I will have to post pictures later) in which we installed several levels of shelves and hangers and a dressing table. As I have been unpacking my femme clothes I am coming to terms with just how much stuff I have accumulated since early 2006 when I got my ex to agree to let me buy clothes so long as I kept them well hidden and out of her sight. I am sure that I have more femme clothes than many genetic girls. A couple that we know dropped by to see the place and the CD friend said that it looked like a clothing store there was so much and it was so well organized. His wife just looked at him and said, you have to create a space like this at home for me :happy:

This week will be spent in turning this house full of boxes into a home and settling in to a more femme existence. This Saturday we go out to our first CD event since moving in. We were looking forward to being able to take our time to get ready, no rushing to someone's house or having to book a motel room, just a relaxing process of getting prepared for our first evening out. I am so excited.

Huggs
Melissa

[melissacd]

Sitting here in this quiet house in a skirt suit trying to get my work done...the silence is very distracting. In as much as my wife and I were separated as a couple for almost a year, we were still running a household, looking after two kids, her mother, two dogs and a cat. Friends and neighbours dropped by, family dropped by - there was a whole social fabric that existed that was just there, ubiquitous.

I can see that in spite of being separated that she/they were all still a very big part of my daily existence. In as much as we dream about how wonderful it would/will be to dress as we wish when we wish there is still that deafening silence, that stage in all of this process that we must get past. I can see that so clearly now and perhaps the day to day in my old house distracted me from that reality. I can see that there is much emotional work that now needs to begin.

That too is a big part of the Big Femme Experiment.

Huggs
Melissa

[Christina Louise]

Good luck getting through this initial phase. I have my fingers crossed for you because you deserve the wonderful future that awaits you.

:Pray:

[melissacd]

Thank you very much for your vote of confidence and well wishes :)

Huggs
Melissa

[Rebecca03038]

You are living my dream. All the best of luck to you and your CD Friend. I am jealous.:happy:

[charlie]

I divorced after 25 years of marriage and that was 8 years ago. You will be surprised by the amount of ties that still are around you. Kids will be coming over, mutual friends will be coming over, you will have to be entertaining people.... ect. The marriage just does not stop. Get ready to have to change clothes a lot or just answer the door as who you now are! I'm sorry about your breakup. It really is a big deal. At the same time, enjoy your experiment and bing free!

[Jennaie]

It takes time to adjust to change. I have been single for many years and it took a long time for me to get comfortable with it. It's a new chapter in your life and you will learn from it. I wish you nice things.

[Kate Simmons]

It gives us kind of a glimpse of what George Bailey went through.:happy:

[melissacd]

Thank you all for your kind, supportive words. I know that it will take time and in time (which heals all) things will be better than they were before. Salandra are you referring to "Its a Wonderful Life"?

Huggs
Melissa

[paulaN]

Milissa I wish you the very best. I think you are going to be just fine. I must think that because of the way your words come across the page. I would love to have a walk in dressing room. Woo hoo!!!!!!!! I would love to have the freedome to dress as I please. You are making me jealous too. Keep on gurlen, if you want to. But you don't have to if you don't want to. But you can if you want to. I think I am jealous.

[Pamela Julie]

Melissa, I hope you pass the test!

Pamela:happy:

[Kate Simmons]

Thank you all for your kind, supportive words. I know that it will take time and in time (which heals all) things will be better than they were before. Salandra are you referring to "Its a Wonderful Life"?

Huggs
MelissaYes Melissa, mostly about the lonliness aspect. There is a big difference in having a teeming family life and living alone. Sometimes it almost feels as if we were never born as our male self. This feeling does pass however as we look forward to new adventures.:happy:

[melissacd]

One of the interesting things that I am seeing as I unpack all the bags and boxes of things that I had to keep tucked away in my previous house is that I have a lot more clothes than I could have ever imagined. I knew while I was living with my ex that I had accumulated a lot, but holy crap!

This immediately pointed out to me a couple of things, one that I knew (that I am somewhat obsessive compulsive) and the other that I have discovered more poignantly now. I have discovered that I used purchasing of clothing (or more correctly purchasing of stuff such as books, prints, figurines...) as a form of avoidance in dealing with the emotional upheaval that was going on inside of me. I used those purchases as a form of transference.

I recognized my cross dressing tendencies when I was 10 years old. I was discovered by my parents when I was around 12. I went into a state of horrible guilt, shame, anger from that point through my life until I met a friend on here in 2005 who helped me talk through much of this and who helped me accept and connect with my femme side. My friend died in 2006 which sent me in to an emotional tail spin and was a catalyst for getting out into public dressed and probably the event that triggered the final collapse of an already failing marriage.

Back to the purchases...I used them as a crutch to make me feel better (which ultimately they didn't) to help me deal with the collapsing marriage. I put my focus elsewhere to avoid facing what I had to face and unfortunately I had a relationship with a very special woman (whom accepted this side of myself totally) at a very bad time. I was separated from my wife through agreement with her that the relationship was over last Feb, that we were free to come and go as we pleased and that she had no further interest in trying to fix things. Together we still ran the household and still care for the children, we remained friendly and civil towards each other, but it was a challenge to stay in a place where I felt I was no longer a partner.

For a while I thought that I could manage the running of a household and the building of a relationship. I was wrong and in the process hurt someone very dear and very special. This is something I am not proud of and perhaps this was a wake up call to me that I needed to make a clean break from my old life and start something new so that I could get myself on the right and ready.

This is part of the Big Femme Experiment. I have achieved acceptance of femme side, I have started dealing with the anger that I have held inside all of my life and now I need to make that break from my old life that was built around supporting repression, anger and denial. My white picket fence life where everything is proper and ordered and within specific popular culture boundaries which was engendered in my childhood and supported through my life of relationship choices now needs to change so that I am living a life that is in sync with who I really am. This is why I see this as an experiment, an exploration to understand who I really am and how I should really live my life.

I am not sure of anything other than I am not sure of anything. I know that I am a cross dresser and that I have a certain style that I enjoy. I know that that desire has cost me dearly and hurt many whom I love deeply. We are like bulls in a china shop when we can only see the internal pain that we know is there and yet cannot seem to deal with.

That is what I have to deal with now and that was why I knew that I was not ready for my recent relationship to move to the next level. How can I be a good and proper partner if I have not yet cleaned up my own internal mess? I feel that I could handle dating where it is getting out for an evening and enjoying some time with someone whom you like, but until I sort out this firestorm within my head I know that I cannot do more than that.


Yes Melissa, mostly about the lonliness aspect. There is a big difference in having a teeming family life and living alone. Sometimes it almost feels as if we were never born as our male self. This feeling does pass however as we look forward to new adventures.:happy:

Yes, Salandra I can certainly see that now. You have all of the freedoms and none of the emotional comforts. I know that this is the right path, the path that I should have taken long ago, however, we allow complacency to set in and not deal with the real issues at hand. We try and do what we believe is the right thing, the expected thing and then sit there in a silent sadness knowing that something is terribly wrong but not knowing what to do about it until life in the end forces us to do something about it.

I know that these feelings will pass, I know that as I have this quietness to properly reflect and understand that I will figure out what that great adventure really is that will move me towards the joy and happiness that is the birthright of all human beings. I am saddened that we have to create such destruction around us in terms of messed up relationships with those we love (old and new) because we were never able to recognize who we are and then live our lives from the get go in accordance with that knowledge.

Thanks for your wonderful words.


Well I am glad to see you took something positive from our encounter...converting a bedroom into a "giant" closet/dressing room…but I am sure you made exponential improvements of my version

There were many positive things from our encounter. You are a very special person. Thanks for all of them.

Huggs
Melissa

[Melissa A.]

Hi Melissa,

Words can't describe the excitement and happiness I feel for you, girlfriend. I'm moved almost to tears. Giving yourself the freedom to be you must be so gratifying for you, even though I know the cost was high. I wish you all the strength and luck in the world on your journey. One step closer to serenity! Be safe and have fun!

Hugs,

Melissa:happy:

[uknowhoo]

Hiya Melissa, and thanx so much for sharing your experience with us. :hugs:

While it's easy for many of us to luxuriate in the fanstasy of having complete freedom to be our femme selves however and whenever we wish, and to have a bedroom transformed into a girlie gurl's delight... that is purely a fantasy for most of us. As you understood before hand, and are finding out now, there are myriad advantages and disadvantages both to this momentous change you've chosen.


Yes, Salandra I can certainly see that now. You have all of the freedoms and none of the emotional comforts. I know that this is the right path, the path that I should have taken long ago, however, we allow complacency to set in and not deal with the real issues at hand. We try and do what we believe is the right thing, the expected thing and then sit there in a silent sadness knowing that something is terribly wrong but not knowing what to do about it until life in the end forces us to do something about it.

Don't beat yourself up for not having taken this less-travelled path sooner- most never do what life seemingly "forces us to do." Most opt instead for a continued life of "quiet desperation." You've taken the plunge, given up that old life, trading it all for uncertainty. That seems to me one of the bravest courses of action I've seen anyone take in the quest to be true to oneself. Sorry, I don't mean to gush- I'm just so very proud of you. :o

It would not simply be a platitude to say "you'll be fine! :hugs:" In that I've be fortunate enough to get to know you over the past couple of years, I can say with confidence and sincerity that I know few people with such judgement and ability to be honest with oneself as you possess.

Best wishes going forward, and thanx again for posting this.

Love,

Tammi


p.s. Sorry so late to this thread, Melissa, :o I just now saw it.

[melissacd]

Tammi and Melissa, your words mean so very much to me. Thanks for your love and support.

Huggs
Melissa

[tommi]

Melissa ,as someone who is having my share of marriage problems that are iced with my dressing my support goes out to you goodluck.:hugs:

[Victoria Anne]

Melissa first I am sorry about your breakup but I am so happy for you and your friend and jealous , please post some pics when you can , I wish you both all the best.

[Charolette time]

Thank you all for your kind, supportive words. I know that it will take time and in time (which heals all) things will be better than they were before. Salandra are you referring to "Its a Wonderful Life"?

Huggs
Melissa

You said that you moved in with a C D friend, just wondering if you are staying in the same bed rooms or are you kind of experimenting, I some times have thought that I would loke too do this, share a bed with an other C Der, Charolette:happy:

[melissacd]

Charlotte,

No, we are in separate bedrooms and we are just room mates (totally platonic), no experimenting going on between us. We are good friends and we help each other with the cross dressing side of things and economically it works to share the living expenses. All around it works out well.

Huggs
Melissa

[melissacd]

A new day has begun in the Big Femme Experiment. Last night we had a CD friend over for dinner. It was a wonderful opportunity to be a hostess.

There was great fun in cleaning up the place, setting a table complete with tablecloth, making a nice meal, getting all dressed up and welcoming a friend into my new home. It was very pleasing to be complimented on the food, the choice of wine and the general ambience that we created. All that day I had been dressed up in a nice top, skirt, hosiery and heels and practiced my femme walk as much as I could. By the end of the day I was in such a femme state of mind that I slipped into hostess mode as easily as I slipped in to the really cute dress and heels that I wore for the evening.

I know that it is experiences like this that will continue to help me to grow, to learn about my femme side, to understand its role in my life and to enjoy and appreciate life in a way that I never did before. I had one of the best sleeps that I have had in a very long time. I believe that the Big Femme Experiment, while still young, is turning an important corner.

Huggs
Melissa

[Charolette time]

A new day has begun in the Big Femme Experiment. Last night we had a CD friend over for dinner. It was a wonderful opportunity to be a hostess.

There was great fun in cleaning up the place, setting a table complete with tablecloth, making a nice meal, getting all dressed up and welcoming a friend into my new home. It was very pleasing to be complimented on the food, the choice of wine and the general ambience that we created. All that day I had been dressed up in a nice top, skirt, hosiery and heels and practiced my femme walk as much as I could. By the end of the day I was in such a femme state of mind that I slipped into hostess mode as easily as I slipped in to the really cute dress and heels that I wore for the evening.

I know that it is experiences like this that will continue to help me to grow, to learn about my femme side, to understand its role in my life and to enjoy and appreciate life in a way that I never did before. I had one of the best sleeps that I have had in a very long time. I believe that the Big Femme Experiment, while still young, is turning an important corner.

Huggs
Melissa


Sounds like you had a fantastic time, I just hope that you took a ton of pictures and will share your good time with us ladies, looking forward too seeing them,:hugs: Charolette

[Bobby Anne]

Salandra hit the nail on the head with her tale of her own experience. I recall meeting her as she was going through it all.
My experience was much different though. My wife understood and supported me. In a few short years (10) I lost the desire to dress and go out frequently.

Now I find myself feeling like a betrayer to her and myself. I am the proverbial nowhere man.

Keep one thing in mind that many do not know.....it does come to an end one day........Shudder!

Everything you stood for as a female dissolves in the passage of time. Even those who have crossed over to the real female bodies find little joy and excitement as an everyday woman.

In a nutshell I found the more I dressed the less I wanted to.
These days I stil dress in very private moments and no longer go out of the house. In a months time I might dress once and only for a few short hours.

I never purged in my life until las fall and sold it al on Ebay , saving one favorite outfit, a red silk dress with a full skirt. So spirit still lives but the fire is out.


Enjoy the time you have!

[melissacd]

Ah, a new and interesting twist. I am self employed and some times I work at client sites and lots of time I work from home. This week I have been heads down working on a project that needs to be completed asap. To that end, I get dressed and spend most of the day at the keyboard working on code.

Normally, I am used to an environment at home that is distracting (dogs barking, cat jumping on the keyboard, kids going to/coming from school, ex dashing in and out of the house, mother in law wandering around doing things...) so there were many natural breaks to the rythym of work. Not so here.

To that end, I will get into a work mode where I am totally into work, comfortably sitting here in my femme clothes and hours pass by without anything happening. Because I have told my major client that I am working here totally focussed on getting that project done they have minimized the calls to me. So a weird thing happened the other day. I was working at the keyboard and suddenly I started to hallucinate, I thought that I was back at my old house, I could hear sounds that I heard there, I felt as if this new reality was all a dream and that any minute that I would wake up and everything would be back to normal.

Needless to say it was very disconcerting. Eventually I snapped out of it, but I realized that one aspect of being on my own is wonderful - the ability to dress freely, another is showing itself not to be so wonderful - I am a workaholic and without these other distractions I get so totally absorbed that I get lost in my work like some sort of automaton.

One part of the Big Femme Experiment that I realized in that moment that I need to manage is not allowing myself to get more completely out of balance than I usually am :heehee:

I need to make sure that because I am now not in the daily fabric of a family life that I don't just become a workaholic hermit. The combination of the way that we are coupled with the femme component of dressing makes it easy to fall into that trap. It is easy to dress up and just stay cloistered away in the house.




Keep one thing in mind that many do not know.....it does come to an end one day........Shudder!



Bobby, the Buddhist in me recognizes impermanence and change as a part of life. The cross dresser in me hopes that my dressing lasts for a very long time as the personal cost of this path that I have chosen has been very high indeed!


Sounds like you had a fantastic time, I just hope that you took a ton of pictures and will share your good time with us ladies, looking forward too seeing them,:hugs: Charolette

Charlotte, As a matter of fact, I was so in to the experience of being a hostess that I did not take a single picture of the event. I am sure that once the dust settles and the house is in sufficient order that many pictures will be taken and shared with the forum. We have set up an area where we will pose for pictures once the boxes are unpacked and there is a clear line of sight in the room.
Huggs
Melissa

[Kate Simmons]

I'm glad you are settling in Melissa. Pics are nice but not always necessary. I'm just happy knowing you are finding your way and adapting to your new way of life. One thing I did want to point out, however, was what you mentioned about the cost. We choose what we want to do and are responsible for our decisions. Equalizing or "pay back" hardly , if ever, comes. The best we can do is work with what we've got and give it our best shot. In the end, the toughest one we have to satisfy is ourself. Take your time my friend and enjoy being yourself. There is no rush really and you have the time and freedom now to explore and discover what you really want to do.:happy:

[melissacd]

Salandra,

Thanks for those words. I agree that all that we can do is do the best we can with what we have. Live an authentic life, true to who we really are. What I have seen in reflecting on all of this is that I have always denied myself this level of expression and the consequences of that denial were a lot of energy and resources expended down a path that was ultimately doomed to failure and a lot of hurt souls along the way. The denial of who we are is a devastating thing not only to us but for those around us as well.

The lesson here; step back, determine who we really are, live true to that. Had we but realized this sooner in our lives then perhaps they would have been much more joyful and much less hurtful to others.

Huggs
Melissa

[Kate Simmons]

I know Melissa. Despite all the things that happened along the way and all those who were hurt because of what I chose to do, I have a new outlook. I have regrets of course and wish things had happened differently but I cannot change the past and all I can do is move forward. The one good thing out of all of this for me is that I am now in touch with my feelings and am no longer ashamed of them or afraid to express them. The most positive thing about all of this is that with that acceptance I have taken ownership of myself and am in control of my own destiny. That knowledge, good, bad or indifferent is what keeps me going.:happy:

[melissacd]

Another day on the wonderful femme experiment.

It has been a wonderful week-end in this new life I have started. Although we are still settling in, moving more things in from our respective old households, unpacking and organizing, it already feels really good. In as much as I struggle with lots of emotions about what has changed or what has been lost, I know that I will get past that. I am already really enjoying the freedom to just be me, as Salandra has pointed out to us in her femme thread.

Saturday night my roomate and I went to a dinner event held by the local cross dresser club and it was so wonderful to, for the first time, get ready in a relaxed manner and head out from our place already dressed and ready to go.

We are still not ready to tackle going out shopping for groceries and such dressed en femme, but I know that we will get there. It is all part of the evolution, the experiment and I must say that so far it is going quite well.

One of the interesting discussions that my room mate and I had as we were driving back from the dinner was that both of us change immediately when we arrive at the house and stay dressed en femme all the time. We have both recently exited failed marriages and we both expect that it will be a while before we are back into new committed relationships. That being said we are both realizing that we love this femme existence behind our four walls and speculate that we will have an interesting challenge when we finally start looking for a new partner in life. Recognizing that many women, as we have discovered, have a great challenge with men who like to cross dress, knowing that we both ended long term relationships in large measure because of cross dressing, knowing that we are enjoying more and more dressing up at home all the time, we realize that when we do finally start seeking new relationships that it may be a great challenge to find someone who will tolerate a partner who for much of the time is dressed en femme.

While I understand that this is a great challenge I also recognize that I gave up too much to get here and I cannot compromise on that side of who I am anymore. I feel so right, so good about myself and I see now that I cannot allow myself to fall back into hiding or repressing this part of who I am. It is interesting, as part of the experiment, to test the range of what really defines you and also to come to terms with who you must be and how you must live to be happy and contented and also with the road blocks that that will put in your way as you move forward in life.

Huggs
Melissa

[Christina Louise]

It's very heart warming to read how well your life is going now, and I feel very happy for you.

As for future relationships, unforeseen opportunities will appear as your new freedom continues to develop (sorry for being so cliched).

[janet1234]

that CDing did not cause the rupture in your marriage. Good luck.

[melissacd]

Christina,

Thanks very much, it does get challenging sometimes, however, the experiment is still young and it is moving in a positive direction. I am sure that you are right about unforseen relationship opportunities.

Janet,

My marriage was heading into the rocks anyway for reasons that I won't detail here (those details are in old posts), however, cross dressing was the issue that finally pushed the relationship over the edge of the cliff. That being said, me ex and I are still very cordial with each other and I am sure will remain friends, we just did not have enough common ground anymore to sustain the relationship and agreed that it was time to move on, especially in light of her dislike and disdain for my cross dressing.

Huggs
Melissa

[melissacd]

Ah the dust is starting to settle I am having more positive days than negative days. It feels so right, this new journey I am on.

The other night my room mate and I finally took a break, put on our jammies and housecoats and set ourselves down to have a girls night in watching a couple of movies. It was such a warm and wonderful experience like nothing that I have ever experienced in male mode. It was like a couple of girlfriends having a pajama party. There is an emotional level of relating when we are in this mode that I can only imagine must be that way, that modality, that level of friendship that is typically considered the domain of GGs and I feel that my room mate and I are developing that level of friendship that men usually cannot achieve because they have to always act like men.

Last night it was fun to be dressed up and making a nice stir fry dinner. Tonight I got dressed up and went out to a local transgender group meeting on my own and all I can say is that the experience of getting dressed up and going to a local event as if I were meant to be in the world in this way, well it had me on cloud 9. I felt relaxed, comfortable, very at peace with myself. It has started to become a very beautiful and self fulfilling wonderful process and the Big Femme Experiment is starting off very well.

Huggs
Melissa

[melissacd]

I am at the end of the third week of living in my own space and while it has had its challenges, it has also had some wonderful moments.

Last night my room mate and I decided to venture out for dinner and shopping. We came home from work, got all cleaned up, dressed in nice outfits and ventured out.

We went to a local restaurant and were instantly greeted with a polite smile and treated no differently than any other patron. I know to some of you this may not seem unusual, however, this was the first time that we were going out to a local non-transgendered environment dressed en femme. The wait staff treated us with respect and called us by the feminine gender (things have come a long way) and none of the patrons of the restaurant gave us funny looks or comments. It was a nice relaxing and enjoyable meal.

After that we went to a local clothing store called Additionelle and the sales associates were outstanding. They treated us very well, they helped us find things and suggested ideas and they actually came over when we came out trying things on and told us what looked good and what did not look so good. While I understand that they are motivated by making a sale they went above and beyond what I would have expected and treated us very well and gave us lots of attention and good advice.

We returned home with our purchases and smiles on our face from a public adventure that went very well and we sat down to watch an episode of the Gilmore Girls.

All in all a wonderful, successful and confidence inspiring evening out. We are already planning the next one :)

Huggs
Melissa

[melissacd]

that CDing did not cause the rupture in your marriage. Good luck.

Janet,

It was the last straw in a marriage that was not working very well. CDing did not help, though I realize now that it was not the only problem. There was much more, in retrospect, that was broken. I am seeing that more clearly now as I reflect on things past. One of the important realizations is that she and I did not have enough common ground. The important thing is that I need to learn from that for the future.

Huggs
Melissa