Feeling down, lonely, and confused....

[Sarah Plumber]

Good morning Ladies...

Just recently I've been feeling realy down. I hate my job. I'm a very creative engineer and due to circumstances have ended up doing something completely different. Redundancy is looming maybe at the end of the year. But that is not deffinate. I cannot leave as I'm due a fair amount of redundancy money and it would be stupid to leave it behind.
Although many things in my life are pretty good the relationship with my wife runs hot and cold. One week things are good the next they are pretty uncomfortable.
It's all down to dressing (or not). I feel I have to. Then feel guilty. I still enjoy male pursuits and hobbies. Those I participate in are going well, but then I want to do them wearing pink! Which is exciting on one hand but weird on the other.
My kids are doing well and the older they get the closer we are becoming. I have two boys and we do stuff together now which is great.
I've had my nails painted (clear) for a couple of months now. I'm growing my hair. I'm wearing an earring full time. I've secretly got my toe nails done. I get to window shop every week and even have a little cash to spend. But I rarely spend anything. I'd like to buy some bigger stuff than ligerie but would only have to hide it away and I don't have anywhere. Then if my lovely lady should find it all hell would break loose.
Some days I want surgery. Other days I feel very very guilty. But still find the chance to wear something or other every day.
I have nobody to talk to. I don't have any close male (or female for that matter) friends and to be honest if I get run over tomorrow, never mind.... I cannot talk to my family. My Mother would be over dramatic about it and my sister, although the most open minded would be pretty upset that her brother was not the person she thinks she knows.
Do I try hard and avoid dressing? Do I say sod it and come out? Do I look for counciling? (But then my wife would flip as it would addmitting to the reality and she cannot cope with that).
I haven't cried for years and years even at my Dads death (we were pretty close) but I feel like I could really do with it right now. It just won't come....

[Kate Simmons]

Counseling may help you bring out the issues and address them my friend but in the end, you and only you can determine what is best for you.:happy:

[Vicky_Scot]

Good morning Ladies...

Just recently I've been feeling realy down. I hate my job. I'm a very creative engineer and due to circumstances have ended up doing something completely different. Redundancy is looming maybe at the end of the year. But that is not deffinate. I cannot leave as I'm due a fair amount of redundancy money and it would be stupid to leave it behind.

Hating your job certainly will get you down. Going somewhere and doing something for hours that you do not enjoy is not a good recipe for a happy life. But you certainly are correct, you cannot leave and miss out on your redundancy...........that would be a stupid move.

Although many things in my life are pretty good the relationship with my wife runs hot and cold. One week things are good the next they are pretty uncomfortable.
It's all down to dressing (or not). I feel I have to. Then feel guilty. I still enjoy male pursuits and hobbies. Those I participate in are going well, but then I want to do them wearing pink! Which is exciting on one hand but weird on the other.

So are you are saying basically that your relationship with your wife is good but because you cannot dress this has an effect on your relationship with the wife. I am assuming you get frustrated, annoyed , angry and upset emotionally because you cannot dress when you have the desire to. These feelings seep into your relationship with others which is only a natural thing. You say you feel the need to dress.......well Sarah that's the need as a crossdresser we are born with. I certainly enjoy the male side of who i am and would not give that up. I need that side of me to survive as I do my femme side. Although in all honesty my femme side is the more dominant and you want to to your male pursuits wearing pink......don't we all but it is not possible.

My kids are doing well and the older they get the closer we are becoming. I have two boys and we do stuff together now which is great.

That is fantastic.......usually the older they get the more distant they become. You are lucky.

I've had my nails painted (clear) for a couple of months now. I'm growing my hair. I'm wearing an earring full time. I've secretly got my toe nails done. I get to window shop every week and even have a little cash to spend. But I rarely spend anything. I'd like to buy some bigger stuff than ligerie but would only have to hide it away and I don't have anywhere. Then if my lovely lady should find it all hell would break loose.

Call me stupid but reading the above it is obvious your dear lady does not know. Do you not think some of the things you mentioned above will sooner or later draw your wifes attention and the questions will start being asked. Have you ever tried to bring up the subject of dressing with her?

Some days I want surgery. Other days I feel very very guilty. But still find the chance to wear something or other every day.
I have nobody to talk to. I don't have any close male (or female for that matter) friends and to be honest if I get run over tomorrow, never mind.... I cannot talk to my family. My Mother would be over dramatic about it and my sister, although the most open minded would be pretty upset that her brother was not the person she thinks she knows.

Well Sarah if you need someone to talk to feel free to pm me.

Do I try hard and avoid dressing?

If I am being honest you can avoid dressing although very difficult but you cannot avoid the urge to dress, dressing or not dressing you are a still a crossdresser. You may be able to avoid dressing for a length of time but eventually you will dress again.

Do I say sod it and come out?

That decision can only be answered by you. Coming out has to be thought out, planned and done slowly.......do not just jump in at the deep end. Try writing a letter to your wife might help explaining how you are feeling. but you did say all hell would be let loose if she knew.

Do I look for counciling? (But then my wife would flip as it would addmitting to the reality and she cannot cope with that).

Can you not arrange this without her knowledge. Not ideal to go behind her back but looks like you have no option if you do not want her to know.

I haven't cried for years and years even at my Dads death (we were pretty close) but I feel like I could really do with it right now. It just won't come....

I think once you have accepted who you are then you might find the tears may well flow......and I do not mean in a negative manner but because I feel you have not accepted who you really are yet and when you do the emotions will be of the scale. Believe me, I have been there as a has many many others on this board.

You can either deny it and let it eat at you and become a burden or you can take that decision to accept you are who you are and this is part of who makes you you and live your life.

I was becoming very depressed and if honest was contemplating what you allure to in your post at times but i decided I could let this destroy my life and what I said was no, this is who i am and accepted it and came out to my wife. I certainly was risking her saying get out you freak, weirdo etc and loosing my kids but after taking things slowly and discussing things and explaining how I felt and most importantly being honest she told me the most wonderful thing " I love you for who you are". I am not stupidly saying this is the norm, far from it, I am extremely lucky i have a woman who loves me for me.

I am not a councillor or pretend to be one but I have just answered your post honestly and made a heartfelt response to your situation. At the end of the day you can live a lie or live as your true self. I know one option will make you sad, deressed and even bitter towards those you love.

All the best and I really truly hope you can resolve your situation.


Xx Vicky xX



...........

[Amanda Shaft]

Hi Sarah, I'm sorry to hear that you feel so low and confussed, if you need someone to talk to then please PM me. I may not be able to resolve questions which in the end only you can answer but never feel you are alone in this or that there is no one you can talk to.
Amanda

[Charlotte Cross]

Hi Sarah
The tone of your letter tells me you are quite emotional about all this and I understand your feelings.
Counseling is expensive and really doesn't do you much more good than just being able to vent your feelings to a stranger. You'll probably wind up on some sort of anti depressant drug, which is how that profession "cures" people.
Ever hear of "male menopause"?
You're at the point in your life where you have probably met all of your life's goals you had set for yourself and really have no mountains left to climb. You need to replace that with something. You need to feel motivated again and realize some self worth.
Is coming out the answer for you? How will it affect your family, your job, your friends? It's okay to be selfish. It's okay to want it all. But you have to realize that most of us will not achieve that.
Sit down and talk with your wife. I did and I'm the happiest guy in the world right now. This happened only a month ago, so it's never to late to try.
If you need a friend to tell something to, I can think of no one better than your best friend-your wife.
You've gotten off to a great start by posting here. It may prove to be the therapy that you need.
What's that they say in England?
"Keep a stiff upper lip."
Hugs
Charlotte

[Chari]

Hi Sarah, You are not alone! We as your friends at this forum are concerned about you and are here for you. Right now your "plate" is over flowing, which can become very confusing. It is a feeling that has happened to most of us, but with time it will all work itself out. Make some time, just for you, alone without any interuptions. Perhaps if you think about only one of your situations at a time, strip it down to the basic facts, you may find a comfortable solution. Think about ALL you have and all you have accomplished! Never believe that "no one cares"! You have your sons and wife, who may not have answers, but still look to you for support. Stay strong! Soon this "storm" will pass and the light of better days will be seen. Keep in touch as to how you are doing.

Hugs2U, Chari

[Sarah Plumber]

What are you like?
Exactly the same things I've said to others with problems. It's just hard to do it yourself sometimes....

Just to clear a few things up. My wife knows all about me. Well as much as she can take at the moment. When I say "come out" I realy mean be completely open and in her face. Probably not a wise thing, but I feel that it might just bust things wide open so we can rebuild things honestly. The trouble with that is it would probably break this completely!

Maybe it's just the weather? I turned 44 yesterday and realised that I'm not realy going anywhere at the moment. I've always had a career, even if it wasn't moving very fast. Now I'm off doing something completely unrelated and not something I would have ever had wanted to do either.

Oh well. Be patient. Baby steps ......

My horror scope says this is going to be my year ..... if you can believe that...

Thankyou everybody ......

Sarah XX