How would you describe your gender dysphoria?

[kerrianna]

Assuming you have it, or something like gender dsyphoria, or displacement, or dissaray.... whatever you call it. How does it affect you? What kind of things trigger it? Can you see it coming... ie. is it more likely to hit you at certain times? What do you do about it?


So, since I asked I'll try to describe what happens to me.

I am often surprised by it and that's when it's worse, because I'll be feeling good and then WHAM!

But sometimes when I'm tired or feeling down I'll be really twitchy and know it's going to be a bad day for it.

Basically it hits me when I see myself in natal females, whether it's real life or through media. Or when I feel excluded from my inner sex because of my outer representation. Sometimes it hits me when I think of how my past would have been, or how my future could be (although I try not to go there because it's futile to live in the past and present....can't help it sometimes).


It's a hard sensation to describe. To me it is often kind of like a displacement...like I'm out of my body suddenly because I realize that I'm not in a right looking body. It often feels like a kick to the gut, or a sinking feeling, a feeling of overwhelming despair and loss. It's more a feeling of being denied than of desiring. It hurts, and sometimes it hurts so much I lose my breath and want to cry. Sometimes I have to walk away and try to regain my centre.

Doing little loving things for myself helps, as does doing mundane activities that are gender neutral. Anything gender specific is rife with disaster. I will turn off or avoid the TV and other media if I am feeling really vulnerable. The real life stuff is harder, because it tends to sneak up more and dealing with my reactions around other people is harder.

Occassionally it hits me looking in the mirror or at myself in the tub. But I have long averted my gaze so that's not quite so often...it's more a numbness I feel then.

It does tend to ebb and flow a bit, receding when I feel like I am making progress or expressing myself correctly... and coming back with a vengence when I feel stuck or pessimistic. But it's hard to describe and predict and I am constantly astounded by it's severity in my life because for years I lived in a kind of numbness about it and was immune. It's kind of like I have made myself sensitive to it and I kind of wish I hadn't now. It doesn't seem to be something that will go into it's box, unless I deal with it head on. In the meantime, I just cope.

So how is it for other people? Does this kind of describe what you feel (or felt) or is it different?

[AmberTG]

My dysphoria mostly comes out in me in the form of depression and withdrawing from life into my own little space. I become frustrated and irritable. I have found that after starting gender therapy and then hormones, my dysphoria is much less of a problem then it was in the past.
I was never good at hiding from it, and as time went by, it only got worse until I finally decided to do something about it.

[Joni Beauman]

I think depressed episodes for me are driven by dissatisfaction with having to live in male mode - general gender dysphoria - particularly acute when long periods pass with only limited opportunities to dress; if I have a chance to dress for a while, my mood improves for days. Nevertheless, everyday, I have a lot of negative internal dialog stemming from this livelong dilemma. That's no fun - but what can you do...Joni

[Kate Simmons]

Well, it used to be pretty bad Kez and I would get frustrated quite often. Then I changed my outlook. I realized there was precious little I could do about my condition(in this lifetime anyway), so instead of obsessing about it, I decided to go with the feelings. As a result, I no longer look at anything as being "gender specific". Things and feelings I used to think were "forbidden" for me are no longer and I enjoy experiencing my feelings whatever mode I'm in. This has re-defined me as a person and has made life a bit more bearable. Rich thinks nothing of crying at a sad movie or being empathetic towards someone and Sal thinks nothing of doing things in a "guy" way sometimes. I did nothing special to achieve this other than being true to myself and my feelings. Sometimes the simplest things just work a whole lot better.:happy:

[Teresa Amina]

Oh, I know what that part is like! It used to hit me that way, a strike of lightning out of the blue sky. There you are, in the midst of an ordinary day, work or whatever, and something triggers that disconnect. Wham! Usually it would be visual (someone that looked a lot like Me would pass by) or sometimes a whiff of perfume, and it would be as if the floor opened up beneath me..... Damn! I'm glad that now, since I'm persuing my Becoming, it doesn't happen much anymore :happy:

[Anna the Dub]

Aspects of all your stories sound so familiar to me. Before I faced up to myself, I used to get very, very depressed about every 4 or 5 weeks, that would generally last for about 10-14 days. I wouldn't talk to anyone, wouldn't eat properly, become very reclusive and anti social. Thankfully as I have been on hormones for quite a while, my episodes of depression are much shorter, though they do still happen. I still find it very hard to do gender exclusive male things. Most of my dealings in my everyday life with people, other than work, are with females, and I find this helps me enormously, I feel very much in sync with women and prefer their company exclusively. I also feel that I can be myself and talk about anything with them (I am out to everyone at work and in my homelife). I don't really have much to do with men, except at work, and I find this easier. Sometimes, though, when I am with women I do not know that well, and they inadvertently treat me as a male, it is like a massive kick in the guts, and my mood drops like a stone.

[kerrianna]

Sometimes, though, when I am with women I do not know that well, and they inadvertently treat me as a male, it is like a massive kick in the guts, and my mood drops like a stone.

Yeah, that's one of the things that keeps driving me back to thoughts of transition.... to stop that from people who don't know any better. I sometimes think if I lived in a cave on a beach by myself this wouldn't hurt so much. Well until a mermaid swam by or something.

I appreciate what you said Salandra, and I sometimes think I will get to that place myself. However, right now, poor old male me can eat worms, because I have no use for him. Maybe if I feel more secure about myself I can allow him to get up off the floor, but he's got a high heeled boot on his throat and I'm not crying about that. I should be though. :sad:

Maybe in time.


This thread is open to anyone who feels a kind of gender displacement or dysphoria. I'd like to hear from the guys too if you want to share. I know this isn't easy for people to talk about. I think it helps knowing others feel similar things and hearing about how people deal with it.

[CaptLex]

I appreciate what you said Salandra, and I sometimes think I will get to that place myself. However, right now, poor old male me can eat worms, because I have no use for him. Maybe if I feel more secure about myself I can allow him to get up off the floor, but he's got a high heeled boot on his throat and I'm not crying about that. I should be though. :sad:

Maybe in time.
Sweet Kez . . . it makes me sad to read this part. I can't imagine any part of you that deserves a high heel to the throat - male, female, blue, yellow, etc. I know I feel that all parts of me are ME, and I wouldn't discard any of it. I'd just like to change how people see me, not who I really am down inside. Maybe you see things differently, and I'm always open to be educated and enlightened, but I feel that all parts of you are valid 'cause they're all YOU. Savvy?

As for my own dysphoria, the times I'm happiest is when I'm allowed to just be and not treated as anything, really. I don't like being reminded that some see me as male and others as female, I'm happiest when people can see beyond the exterior and just see me. It's the binary that triggers my dysphoria most. :p

[Cai]

For me, I get depressed. I just don't feel like doing anything, if I know that doing it is going to get me treated like a girl. And it feeds into my food issues - the more I feel female, the less I want to eat.

Here at school, I can handle being called "she" and "her", because I'm really not treated like a she. But at home, I wince every time, because I know what it means. It means I'm not supposed to wear the clothes I want, not supposed to act the way I want, not supposed to be who I want.

[Kate Simmons]

I know my friend. What helped me to cope was realizing that even genetic women are part "guy". Women can act like guys sometimes as much as guys can act like women. I know it's sometimes difficult achieving the right "mix" of who we want to be and what we express as. Kind of like being a skilled bartender or a master craftsman. When you get all the elements working in concert, the end product is "El Perfecto" and that my friend is pure beauty no matter how you slice it.:happy:

[bi_weird]

Realization of the morning: sometimes what triggers my dysphoria is this site. It's if I read it before I get dressed, because then I have to figure out what gender clothes to wear with all this on my mind and I can't ever decide and want to stay in my pjs all day.
Also, any time people divide the world. Guys vs. girls: my nemesis.
Okay. I'm gonna go be brave and get out of my pjs now...

[johnni]

I feel the same feelings as you describe. The level of intensity changes depending on my current mood. As I move closer to what I feel myself as, the more I desire it. It's hard (as anyone here understands) to put up a facade for others, when you really wish you could just tell them or even show them your true colors. Being this way isn't something I'd wish on anyone and if nature would've got it right, we wouldn't be in this perdicament. I guess that phrase is right up there with "when I wake up I'll be my true self" The only thing I know for sure is the more I change myself outside (bodyhair, eyebrows, ear-piercings and hair style) the better I feel inside. It's almost as my inners self is slowly coming to light and now I cherish seeing gg's so I can incorporate or discard certain dress or mannerisms. Of course, I still jealous and feel like I got the shaft, but I'm getting less feeling of both and more feelings of I'm on my way and I couldn't be happier! Good luck

[MJ]

Mood :- good
My dysphoria mostly comes out in me in the form of depression and withdrawing from life into my own little bubble.. I become frustrated and irritable. depressed episodes for me are driven by dissatisfaction with myself sometimes very bad i tend to hate myself my look my voice weight everything when i think about how futile this is for me why bother trying .i am such a loser i can't go through with it ending it all . Again it cycles right now i am feeling very good Evan posted pictures of my self . the darkness is so great sometimes ..
then there is my sisters and brothers here who save me from myself thank god for all of you

footnote :- sometime i still question myself what am i doing !!!

[AmberTG]

Geez, MJ, for a minute there, I thought you were quoting me! Kinda scary how close to the same we describe our dysphoria!
I haven't been really far down in a while now because of my anti-depressant that I take every day, but I still question myself too. I know I'm doing the right thing for myself, but on bad days, I do wonder, what the hell am I doing to myself?

[Felix]

Kez thank you so much for putting this thread on. I can associate with so many things that are said here. I think I am going through something the same right now cos I have withdrew myself from the maddening crowed, away from people who treat me like a freak and away from those who victimize me for my difference. I only feel safe around those I trust other than that no I retreat into my house unless I have to go out. I have got to a point where I feel comfortable with myself what I'm not dealing with is others reactions I think. I have been up and down with this gender thing, gone through times when I couldn't stand being called my female name or she. But as time has passed I have embraced all the parts of myself and although I like to present the way I do like a man like Lex said I would not want to get rid of any parts of myself that exist inside such as my female spirit and all it encompasses.I just need to learn how to cope with other people who don't understand. I know when I've come through this I will be able to cope with them the way I've always done but right now I'm having big problems which I'm disparate to talk about. So coping with this mild depression thing is crap but it helps having all you peeps here who know what I'm going through xx Felix :hugs::hugs:

[stacie]

I was very depressed all the time and became suicidal when I had to go back to man mode. My therapist help me through these times and now I am on hrt and transitioning. And I do live as a female now.

[marie354]

Although I am living as a woman full time now, I'm not one. It's depressing that whatever science can do, I'll never really be a woman.
With that in mind, I'm still going to pursue what I must to feel as complete as I can.
If I can't, then I'll have to deal with it some other way, I suppose. I'm not sure just what that means, but I'm sure, I'll figure something out along the way.
Hopefully, I'll find what I need so at least my body will match what I'm feeling.
I'll probably always be in therapy for depression, and if my doctor starts me on hormones, I know I'll have to take them for the rest of my life.
So far, things have been going very well, with the exception of my GF, (We're splitting up...), and her family. They just can't see what I'm going through and just think I am nuts. My family and ALL of my friends think that I'm incredible doing what I'm doing after 50 years of hiding it. They can make me feel so right some times and that helps.
Support from friends and family seems to be the best medicine, so far.
~Sandy~

[helenr]

Agenderism. I recently first learned of this description. I have joined some groups and I think this is where I belong. I have benefits from the use of anti androgens over the past year in different ways. My useless sexual libido was hampering me.Now it is far less a factor. I don't picture myself pursing any SRS, I am too old (61) to bother with elaborate crossdressing. I am calmer now and the estrogen patch is adding icing on the cake. Now that I know 'what I am' it seems to help deal with frustrations.

[Maggie Kay]

My discomfort with my physical gender manifests itself in many ways. I can't really bear to look at "it" in the mirror. I am cut emotionally when I am called by my male name. It really stings. I get depressed when I have to wear male clothes. I used to obsess on femme clothes and makeup but not so much as I increased my estrogen and Spiro dosages. I am subject to crippling panic attacks if I focus on not being able to finish my transition or that it will be delayed much longer. However, as I have made progress, my negative feelings have abated a lot. I used to pray every night to be given a terminal disease or to die in my sleep. No more. Now I want to live and explore my life as a woman. Having professionals treat me as a woman helps enormously.

[melissaK]

My 2 cents. My "dysphoria" is most akin to depression in how it manifests itself, and how it hurts. And it does hurt.

A couple triggers, certainly not all:

First is the damned mirror. You mentioned this too Kerriana. Who is that guy in there? It's not me; he just can't be me! A life long disconnect from my own reflection.

Second, Madison Avenue female fashion ads just destroy me. To be Andy Sachs in The Devil Wears Prada is so my dream. I so "got" her transcendance from so-so self doubting clerical girl to fashion savy sharp dressed confident woman. Realizing the gap between me and them disintegrates my self esteem pretty fast.

Third, the cosmetics counter at any department store. OMG does it smell wonderful. I want to try them, wear them, flaunt them. And then social role type casting sets in and I crumble into self doubt and feelings of inadequacy, feeling that none of it is for me.

Put a parfume sample (a # 3 trigger) in a Cosmo (a #2 trigger) in my hands while I wait for a haircut in a hair salon full of mirrors (#1 trigger) and I shut down emotionally for days. :heehee:

Well, what a dang uncheery thread this is to comment on . . .

hugs,
'lissa

[Lisa Golightly]

Babies and motherhood... The rest I can do... The biological I always wanted I'm quite incapable of achieving and then this yawning chasm opens and all I ever wanted is dust.

[Katrina]

I call it a "Bad Gender Day". It is usually triggered by me seeing a woman that I think I would look like if I had been born with XX chromosomes. She doesn't even have to be particularly attractive, just what I would probably look like. I know, it's jealousy, and it's counter productive. I can't help it. Its a reaction I can't control.

[Carvery Carly]

I hope that it is alright to write this in this forum as I'm new to the forum and still learning my way around, but here goes with my two pence worth:2c:. I get frustrated when I can't dress. I also get frustrated/depressed when I have to revert to my "male" mode after getting totally dressed up - hiding genitalia, wearing false breasts, putting make-up on and wearing my femme clothes. I just hate feeling that way and wish there was something I could do about it, but am concerned about the future if I did do something about it. I hope someone could advise me what steps I should take as I feel so alone.

Thanks girls.

[Leo Lane]

It hits me worse when I'm cut off from male homosocial bonds and interaction; they remember there's a girl there and don't treat me as one of them, and my heart sinks.

[Kate Simmons]

Kerianna, I just want to reinforce what Lex said. You are a beautiful person my friend and always will be. For some reason or purpose we are who we are and who we were meant to be. How we deal with that is part of our experience here and it makes us a better person. Never forget that.:hugs:

[Syr_SwitchyGQ]

I feel caged... trapped in my own skin, unable to breathe beneath the waves of reality. I tend to get really anxious, like there's something I should be running from, but that I know deep down that I can never escape. (Which makes me want to hit things.) The first memorable attack I ever had was when I was dressed up in full girl mode (read: long hair down to my shoulders, spring green dress, strappy sandals and full make-up) for the honors banquet for my LGBT scholarship. It should've been one of the happiest nights of my life and yet I was hyperventilating the whole time and couldn't figure out why. I literally thought I was gonna break down and cry and so I kept running outside for some "fresh air" because I didn't want to freak out at any of the other scholars on our special night. I kept wanting to bolt, and I actually started walking away from the hotel (I got about ten blocks) before realizing that running away wouldn't solve anything and went back. People kept telling me I looked beautiful and it really wasn't helping. The worst of it was that I couldn't figure out wtf was the matter with me and it was only after I came to terms with my trans issues that I understood why.

Now my freak-out sessions usually occur on a monthly basis >.< There's not a whole lot I can do to salvage my mood once I'm on that track except for put on a brave face and ride it out. It eventually ebbs away, but during the thick of it I can't be touched at all by anyone and I have to take deep breaths to not hit or freak out at people who use the wrong pronouns. I'm hoping that getting a hysto done (which I've wanted since I was THIRTEEN) will make me significantly saner and easier to deal with.

[DanielMacBride]

Wow, must be something in the water because this topic seems to be coming up a lot lately, on here, other boards I am on and in life in general...so I will paste My response to a question on another board which asked Me if I feel more comfortable and stronger living in My real gender, I think that about covers it:



Do I feel stronger emotionally living as my true gender...hmm, interesting question! For the most part, yes I do - but one of the things with gender dysphoria is that it will hit you when you least expect it and when you aren't looking, and will throw you for the mother of all loops....

Most of the time when GD does not swipe me sideways, I am the happiest I have ever been and I feel stronger emotionally now than I EVER did in girl mode. However, I still have days when I question myself - I think I always have that thought in the back of my head of "am I doing the right thing?" but when the GD hits, that changes to something along the lines of "WTF am I DOING? I couldn't POSSIBLY be a boy in a girl's skin!" and I start to doubt myself (and being the virgo perfectionist that I am, I HATE that because the fact that I am doubting to such an extent really makes me feel like I used to all the time in girl mode, insecure and uncomfortable with myself, and I loathe that feeling because I know that is NOT who I am, and I can be very hard on myself and think if I'm not a girl, why the hell do I feel like one?) But then when I think about it, I don't feel like a GIRL specifically - because I have never really known what feeling like a girl is. I just kind of feel "notboy" but not girl, either - like I'm stuck in No-GenderLand and it really messes with my head.

So yeah, the whole GD thing is a total mindf**k (pardon my language but I can't think of any other word to describe it accurately) when I KNOW I am a man, but I am constantly confronted with the physical reality of the female body....I can't even look at myself in the mirror below the neck unless I am wearing my binder, and in the shower I don't look either, I just wash and get the hell out of there, dry off and get dressed FAST. And when Aunt Flo and her feral band of female hormones hijack me is the WORST feeling....because I KNOW those doubts I have at that time are strictly hormonally induced and I hate my body for betraying me in that manner because I know that if I didn't have the influx of female hormones, I wouldn't doubt who I am.

And to answer your question more directly (LOL), when Aunt Flo visits I do find I am MUCH more vulnerable emotionally, I am more likely to perceive things as being more hurtful than they actually are and to be overwhelmed by doubts and questions.

And then I have the whole other set of questions when I get hit with a particularly dysphoric day, when I tell myself that when I am on T and have my surgeries, this will all be much better....my overly analytical Virgo mind turns back on me with "but what if this is as good as it gets and the T and surgery doesn't stop the dysphoria? What if I will never feel like the man I know I am?"

Strangely though I think dealing with this stuff all the time has made me much stronger and more determined to get through it...


Daniel

[melissaK]

I call it a "Bad Gender Day".

Cute. I think I'm going to steal this line if you don't mind.

hugs,
'lissa

[melissaK]

Babies and motherhood... The rest I can do... The biological I always wanted I'm quite incapable of achieving and then this yawning chasm opens and all I ever wanted is dust.

Lisa, . . . I lingered over your post. That is so poignant; such a sad feeling to have.

And Tobias trapped and unable to breath - genuine panic attack. Daniel's "no-genderland". This is such a hard thread, where are the dang fairies :fairy1: to magically change us when we need them . . .

hugs,
'lissa

[kerrianna]

I know it is a hard thread Melissa. Thank you for responding and for reading and caring.

As difficult as it is to read what each of us goes through, there is some comfort knowing that what I feel isn't just me being crazy or weird. It's something I can't compare to anything else in my life.

The dsyphoria is like the dark side of the moon, but there is a bright side to it too. I can't say I would want to go back to the kind of numb-state I was in for so much of my life, but it would be nice to duck the GD more often. It's a pain and heartache that I don't think most cisgendered people really can relate to. And sometimes I feel guilty about feeling the way I do because I know there is much worse pain and sorrow that can invade a life. But I cannot deny what is there, and I guess that's the first big step in finding ways to deal with it.

As much as I hate to think of all of you going through the same kind of aching and confusion that I do, it does make me feel less crazy and alone, to know that there are people who understand all too well what this feels like. That's why it's so valuable to listen to, support and help each other.

I think this could in the end be the best thing that happens to me, if I can find a path that gives me more good days than bad, because the good days make me feel more alive and in love with myself. Sometimes it feels like a risky venture...but the truth is there is no other choice for me. It exists and challenges me to rise to the occasion. It's forcing me to open my heart, my eyes, and my ears and find the courage to fully love myself and others. It feels like my very survival is at stake, and I know I need to keep from retreating or hiding from being as complete and in tune as I can be.

And I know that Sal and Lex are right.

The solution doesn't lie in destroying parts of me... but rather in building new parts that express and feed my true heart. :happy:

[Kieron Andrew]

As for my own dysphoria, the times I'm happiest is when I'm allowed to just be and not treated as anything, really. I don't like being reminded that some see me as male and others as female, I'm happiest when people can see beyond the exterior and just see me. It's the binary that triggers my dysphoria most. :pThis is definitely it for me, if im treated out and out female i hate it, serious depression starts in, if im not treated any gender at all, just a person in my own right then im ok with that, of course being treated as male makes the rest of my world seem rosey and at peace....


For me, I get depressed. I just don't feel like doing anything, if I know that doing it is going to get me treated like a girl. And it feeds into my food issues - the more I feel female, the less I want to eat.

Here at school, I can handle being called "she" and "her", because I'm really not treated like a she. But at home, I wince every time, because I know what it means. It means I'm not supposed to wear the clothes I want, not supposed to act the way I want, not supposed to be who I want.Yup i now cringe every time someone makes a conscious 'she' 'her' remark or refers to me in female terms, it too also feeds a food issue that i have had for years


Realization of the morning: sometimes what triggers my dysphoria is this site. It's if I read it before I get dressed, because then I have to figure out what gender clothes to wear with all this on my mind and I can't ever decide and want to stay in my pjs all day.
Also, any time people divide the world. Guys vs. girls: my nemesis.
Okay. I'm gonna go be brave and get out of my pjs now...I eradicated this by not having any female clothing in my wardrobe at all, at first it was a lot of clothing that could be considered androgenous or non gender specific clothing, so that i wouldnt have to deal with this as i used to have the same problem choosing what to wear at any given time, time in the month is worse for that when having to wear girly undies, now i dont wear them at all, i couldnt if i wanted to


It hits me worse when I'm cut off from male homosocial bonds and interaction; they remember there's a girl there and don't treat me as one of them, and my heart sinks.Im slightly different in the respect i prefer company of ladies so long as im being treated as a man, being interacted as the man i am


I feel caged... trapped in my own skin, unable to breathe beneath the waves of reality. I tend to get really anxious, like there's something I should be running from, but that I know deep down that I can never escape. (Which makes me want to hit things.) The first memorable attack I ever had was when I was dressed up in full girl mode (read: long hair down to my shoulders, spring green dress, strappy sandals and full make-up) for the honors banquet for my LGBT scholarship. It should've been one of the happiest nights of my life and yet I was hyperventilating the whole time and couldn't figure out why. I literally thought I was gonna break down and cry and so I kept running outside for some "fresh air" because I didn't want to freak out at any of the other scholars on our special night. I kept wanting to bolt, and I actually started walking away from the hotel (I got about ten blocks) before realizing that running away wouldn't solve anything and went back. People kept telling me I looked beautiful and it really wasn't helping. The worst of it was that I couldn't figure out wtf was the matter with me and it was only after I came to terms with my trans issues that I understood why.

Now my freak-out sessions usually occur on a monthly basis >.< There's not a whole lot I can do to salvage my mood once I'm on that track except for put on a brave face and ride it out. It eventually ebbs away, but during the thick of it I can't be touched at all by anyone and I have to take deep breaths to not hit or freak out at people who use the wrong pronouns. I'm hoping that getting a hysto done (which I've wanted since I was THIRTEEN) will make me significantly saner and easier to deal with.
OMG this is ME, my school prom, i hated i felt exactly how you described above but in much better terms than i could even hope to do, i had to wear a ballgown for my school prom and make up and pretty shoes the works....and hated every second of it, a very sufficating experience definitely, it wasnt til a few years later i understood why!!

[Cara Allen]

I call it a "Bad Gender Day". It is usually triggered by me seeing a woman that I think I would look like if I had been born with XX chromosomes. She doesn't even have to be particularly attractive, just what I would probably look like. I know, it's jealousy, and it's counter productive. I can't help it. Its a reaction I can't control.

Katrina, they have nothing on you. You have it over most of them. Congrats!

[KatieC]

Such a hard thread to reply to. I've been trying to find the words since I read Kerrianna's initial posting on Monday, and here it is Wednesday. But I think it's important for me to try to honestly answer, so I'm going to try my best.

I had repressed my CD urges up until a little over a year ago. My gender issues, I've never fully escaped. I never really felt that I am "female", but that I'm most definitely "not-male". For most of my life, I've dealt with that by trying to be "the sensitive guy" who's just a little bit weird. And then the CD urges came back with a vengeance, and my gender dysphoria became a lot worse.

Last spring was the hardest. Some of the most painful moments were seeing the little girls in my son's elementary school wearing all of the "girly" clothing that I never was able to. I wanted to scream and cry in frustration over a childhood that I never had, and never will have. I will never know what it is like to grow up female, and sometimes it hurts so much that it's almost a physical pain, for all that it's just in my head.

Other times, it's actresses in movies/television, or pictures of a beautiful woman, or seeing a striking woman pass by, that triggers an almost desperately longing wish to be that beautiful woman.

Sometimes it's my reflection in the mirror, that doesn't match at all the mental image I have of myself. On rare occasion I can see a beautiful woman hiding behind the eyes of that reflection, but usually I just want to turn my head and ignore the mirror.

Sometimes, not as sharply painful but usually causing lasting bouts of depression and self-hatred, it is when I catch myself acting/thinking like a stereotypical guy. I'm not what I wish I were, and I'm far too often that which I hate. It's this last bit that I think ultimately hurts most of all.

[MJ]

posted by Daniel :- ....I can't even look at myself in the mirror below the neck

it's so true Evan for me . the thing is when i know i am traveling down that dark path i can't post how i feel i just don't want to bore people ..you know a better female voice may go a very long way sometimes . there are days that are good and days ..well i just wish i could cancel them due to lack of interest ..
great thread Thank you all .. it seems either trans-man or trans-woman we are all in the same pain :love:

[Cara Allen]

Sometimes, not as sharply painful but usually causing lasting bouts of depression and self-hatred, it is when I catch myself acting/thinking like a stereotypical guy. I'm not what I wish I were, and I'm far too often that which I hate. It's this last bit that I think ultimately hurts most of all.

I can understand, and for sure, the bit above. When I was a younger transgender, and deep in the closet, I was hauled along to a strip bar by a new boss and associates. I hated it, and felt really uncomfortable about it. I felt like the girls were used in a really sleazy way, and I was hanging out with these really cruddy people. I found myself being danced for, and all I could think to say was, "You are very pretty" while I was thinking that I wanted to crawl into her skin. Talk about confused...