Outed and Unhappy

[Valerie Nicole]

I ran into an acquaintance of mine today, and we were hanging out for a little while. Just sitting at the student center and talking. The conversation turned to unborn children, for some reason, and she said that even at 8 weeks, the baby "knows what gender it is". I jokingly said "there's some people our age who don't even know". Then she said "yeah, I know about that." I looked at her funny, but this was such an ambiguous statement that I didn't think much of it.

Then she said "sundresses." This has special significance because one time that I went shopping with a mutual friend of ours, we were specifically looking for a sundress for me. I looked at her again, and just said "what?" Then she said, "shopping for sundresses." My heart was racing. Finally I said "do you know something?" The answer was yes. She explained to me that our mutual friend had "let it slip" to her, just before that shopping excursion.

For those of you who know me, the friend who told her was a very good friend of mine, the person I said goodbye to this summer because of some jealousy issues on her fiance's part. This friend of mine was also the one who I first came out to. It was because of her that I developed the ability to trust people with this secret, and it was my friendship with her that cleared up a lot of the shame I had. Now, just today, over a year since that night I came out to her, I find out that she betrayed that trust.

We've had some contact via facebook, so I messaged her when I got home. All I said was that I was angry and needed to talk. I didn't tell her what it was about, or even that I was angry at her. We've grown so distant over the past several months (four of which passed with absolutely no contact between the two of us) that this has really poked a hole in my trust in her. And it's not that she told that bugs me. I can understand if she needed someone to tell. What bugs me is that she never told me. This leads me to wonder who else she might have told.

And now I've got to talk to this person that I barely even know, because I don't want her walking around with any misconceptions about me or what it is to be a crossdresser. I don't have a problem talking to her about it now that she knows, she's understanding and accepting, but I'm just frustrated by the whole situation. On the plus side, I'm angry enough that I've stopped missing my former best friend.

Well that's it for now. I'll update as this situation unfold, and thanks for listening.

[docrobbysherry]

I am keeping a copy of your post. Just in case I EVER think coming out of my closet and telling anyone about my CDing is a good idea!
RS

[MJ]

you know if you tell anyone your secret ....then it's not a secret anymore .. when it's out there you can't take it back.. and you told a female friend .. what have you done .. what is to come .. who else knows ? .. it's time for damage control .. good luck :hugs:

ps. what is your real name and your sin number

[Valerie Nicole]

I am keeping a copy of your post. Just in case I EVER think coming out of my closet and telling anyone about my CDing is a good idea!
RS

If that's how you choose to take it, fine, but that's not what I intended by this post. I don't regret telling anyone about myself. Everyone I know has been extremely supportive since finding out. Overall, it's worth it, in my opinion.

And MJ, you're right, it's not a secret anymore. I can't untell any of the people I've told. But her outing me isn't the (biggest) betrayal. The betrayal is that she never told me. I don't live in a big city, things get around, and I'd like to keep track of who knows.

[susancheerleader]

I am sorry this happened to you. But you never know and this is a very big reason why I won't come out to anyone. At least, no one in my town.

[Rita B]

I think that "coming out" can sometimes be like when you are at the beach. The water looks cold but the waves are inviting. Some people dip their toe in and pull it back out quickly. Others go in a little at time shivering at every wave that breaks over their legs. Finally there are those brave souls who go crashing in the water in a dive and in a second the cold is gone.

"Coming out" can be the most liberating thing that you will ever do, but there can be a price to pay. Freedom does not come cheap. But before you can do this, you have to stop feeling ashamed of your feelings of wanting to dress like, or to emulate, or even to be a woman. Once you are by that barrier, then no one can really hurt you because you are true to thyself.

[Nicole Erin]

Well she probably broght it up cause maybe she is curious.
People are strange tho - one minute they are cool with it but as soon as the poop hits the fan, they are NOT cool with it anymore. At least then you know you will not have to deal with them anymore...

[Nicki B]

..that this has really poked a hole in my trust in her. And it's not that she told that bugs me. I can understand if she needed someone to tell. What bugs me is that she never told me. This leads me to wonder who else she might have told.

You might yet find that you can still trust her and she knew exactly what she was doing... Why were you talking to this new woman in the first place, and why did she tell you she knew? :hmmm:

[Sinthia]

When I found out that a niece of mine told another niece (her cousin) of mine that I crossdressed, I mentioned to the teller that if I had wanted someone else to know, that I would tell them myself. I adore both of these nieces, both in their 30s, too moch to let something like that spoil my relationship with them so I dropped the subject. I did talk about my fetish with the other niece, and she said 'Whatever you want to do is OK with me'! I was even allowed to stay at her home in Rome (in Drag) for more than a week with no problems.

Having been outed is not the end of the world, and I will never loose a friendship over it. Just talk to the 2nd girl so you will know how she feels about it and then you will know how to act, or not act, around her so that you can continue a friendship with her.

[Michelle S]

Hi Valerie,

Yes, you should talk to your friend and let her know you are hurt that she told someone. But, "betrayed" is a strong word. She probably was not trying to harm you or make fun of you. She's just not that good at keeping a secret and may not understand how scary it can be for others to know about your cross dressing. Hopefully, you won't lose her a friend.

[raleighbelle]

Though I understand your feelings of being betrayed, I would also try to look at a positive aspect of it. I think your newer aquaintence steered the discussion that way for a reason. I think she was interested in knowing more about it and trying to find a way to get to know you personally better. Perhaps support you in this or even get involved herself, such as going shopping with you. If she was bothered by it, I doubt she would have tried to bring any of it up. I hope you will talk with her further about it. If she is interested, she could be one of those very rare finds!

I also wouldn't press the issue with your other friend that much now. I don't see good things coming from it, and if you offend or upset her (despite the fact you probably have a right to do so), she could make a point of telling lots of other people, including ones not in your best interest.

Good Luck!

[Angie G]

Well that's just not cool. I would be mad also :hugs:
Angie

[Valerie Nicole]

First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for their sympathy. This is by no means the worst thing that's ever happened to me, so I don't want anyone to think I'm feeling too bad about this. When I use the word "betrayal", I'm not describing the situation, but how I feel. I mean that I feel betrayed, not that it was an actual act of betrayal.


Though I understand your feelings of being betrayed, I would also try to look at a positive aspect of it. I think your newer aquaintence steered the discussion that way for a reason. I think she was interested in knowing more about it and trying to find a way to get to know you personally better. Perhaps support you in this or even get involved herself, such as going shopping with you. If she was bothered by it, I doubt she would have tried to bring any of it up. I hope you will talk with her further about it. If she is interested, she could be one of those very rare finds!

It's funny, I don't want to get my hopes up, but I think you might be right. She definitely doesn't have a problem with it, or is putting on a good show. She told me that a guy at her highschool actually went to prom in a dress and makeup. When I told her that since I don't see my other friend anymore, I don't have a shopping buddy, she said to me that she'd do it if she wasn't so busy. So in the future, who knows? No matter what happens, though, that doesn't make what my friend did right.

[Brenda1423]

Not knowing the conversation they had together, you never know how positive it might have been. Offering to go shopping with you sounds like it was probably positive. It doesn't sound like she brought it up to make fun of you. She must have known about it for a long time and was waiting for the right moment. Looks like a good situation to me.

[susanmichelle]

Valerie is what your saying a trust issue. To me it would be a trust issue. When you do tell someone to me it's not really the secret I have told them but the fact that I trusted that person to keep that secret to themselves. If they do in fact want to share that confidential thing that you have told them no matter what the secret is even not involving cross dressing. Then that person so in fact come to you and say Hey Valerie I want to tell a friend of mine or whoever, do you mind if i do that. When we do tell someone it is in fact telling the world because people do talk and spread the gossip around. But in our cases I think we should be the ones that tell whoever or at least have the say in who or who not to tell. Hope this makes sense to you and my scatterbrained thinking here at the moment. I have had the same thing happen to me many times. I really don't care anymore who knows as I have come out to so many I lost count many years ago but to me its still up to me to say who should know or at least have the courtesy to ask first. I live this way because I am getting to be comfortable with myself and live with myself. I am the one that made the decision to come out and its my way of calming myself to take the stress off me that keeping the secret has caused me more harm than good. But the best way to say it is simply TRUST. I really have a thing with everyone especially my good friends about TRUST. Without TRUST you really don't have a relationship with that person at all and need to end the relationship whether it be a friend lover or even acquaintance. Thats just the way I fell and it seems thats part of what your saying. If I'm wrong just say so and I will say I'm sorry. Guess thats my :2c:worth.

[Valerie Nicole]

She described the conversation between the two of them. It apparently went something along these lines. It should be obvious who is who from the dialogue.

S: Want to do something today?
M: I can't, I'm going shopping with <me>.
S: What are you shopping for?
M: Sundresses.
S: Why would you shop for that with him instead of your fiance?
M: We're not shopping for me...
S: What?

And apparently that's when M told S about me. I'm not sure what to make of that, actually. It wasn't a negative thing, seems like more of a slip-up. I hope that S is going to take an active interest in this, but I have no reason or right to expect it at this point. I will be talking to her about it, gaging her comfort level, and if all goes well, asking her if she'd like to be part of it. I guess I'm just trying to make the most of this. At the very least I want her to understand me as much as is possible.

[Linda C]

Bummer - you took a big step and she betrayed you. I could go on and say you shouldn't of trusted anyone or maybe you wanted this but, I won't because what she did was wrong!!! :mad:

[Sally2005]

Although I would expect others to respect my wishes to not talk to others and I would trust them not to talk, on the other hand I have to be prepared if they break the trust. I am working on telling my wife and I'm going to trust her not to tell, however, I've got to have accepted this part of my being such that if others find out I can confidently, without feeling defensive, tell them it is something private and if I wanted to discuss it with them I would have told them also. The only part I fear is an impact on third parties who are not prepared to deal with it (ie: teasing of your kids, neighbors relationship with the rest of the family etc.). On the positive, if someone did find out and they came to me with support I would be happy.

[Brenda1423]

Well I hope S (In your message) will become a better replacement for M.
Best wishes for a good outcome.

[NatalieBliss]

so sorry to hear about that. I hope it works out for you... :hugs:

[uknowhoo]

S&M can be a tough combination! :p (sorry Val, couldn't resist! :o)

Seriously though, sorry to hear of your friend's breaching that trust, even if it were just a "slip-up." It sounds as though it might just work out okay though. :thumbsup: Your wise not to push it with S, but- who knows- she might have just found herself a new girlfriend. :D

Good luck, and take care.

xoxo

Tammi

[Valerie Nicole]

Well once again thanks for the responses. And Tammi, that S&M joke was classic. I didn't even notice that. S just came online now, and without forcing too much on her, I'm just going to try and talk to her about this, find out how she feels about it and all that.

[thatgirl]

i know what you been throug, i was at that same point but it wasnt a big deal to me, i was shock at first but in the end they all accepted me. my friends had some idea what was going on but not quite sure. Ive always been hanging around my girl friends and talking. one of my friends told me that they knew about me cause it just slip out i wasnt told about this untill like a week or two after. at least they were cool about it so i just continoue (sorry cant spell) on and that was it. so in the end that hardest part was over. so a secert is not a secert anymore.

[Valerie Nicole]

As things usually happen for me, the situation turned out to be much more complex than it originally appeared. M felt as if I'd been using her since coming out to her, which, looking back, I can understand. S does not want to be an active part of that part of my life for the same reason. Plus the fact that I don't really know her all that well anyway.

Because I value M's friendship so much, I sent her a facebook telling her that I think I understand what happened between us now, and I apologized sincerely. I guess I just have to wait and see.

[quiet_time]

I have only told a very few select people about my other side. Of course they immediately realized it was a secret, not something I just shared with anyone. But, I also told them that it was not their right to tell other people.

In a perect world, the people you tell would not tell other people without your permission but sadly things just don't work this way. I am very, very careful with who I tell "secrets" too and what I tell them for this specific reason.

Honestly a lot of times its just easier to tell a total stranger on the internet just to get things off your chest and that way you know it wouldn't work back around to you.

[Kate Simmons]

Several others have found out about me from the same method you describe Hon(second or third hand). Most do not have the courage to confront me with it or ask me to my face. In the interim, I just act like my normal self and keep my confidence. It's no big deal really as my Son saw when he stayed here for awhile and he went to the club with me and he saw Sal in action. In any case, if anyone is really that interested, they will find after awhile that Sal is just a basic part of me and nothing that strange or weird after all. I'm always myself anyway, no matter how I choose to express it.:happy:

[crusadergirl]

I don't see you telling your friend that you cd is a mistake. Its not easy to keep secrets now days. I know you trust that person not to tell but sometimes they tell with out knowing what they said. I wouldn't hold that againest your friend. If everybody is so worried about ppl knowing your secret then hide in fear for the rest of your life and never come out of your closet. I understand why you would be unhappy i would be mad as well.
Break the walls down

[ElaineB]

I have heard lots of these kinds of stories here. I think the lesson to be learned from them is that if you trust anybody enough to out yourself to them, you might as well go all the way and tell everybody. No matter how much you trust somebody at the time you just cannot tell who they might tell later. So it's better to just assume they will tell everybody and have no nasty surprises.

[Shelly67]

Is,nt it strange .....why do we have to keep in silence or fear of some people blabbing our deep dark secret of crossdressing ? i find it appalling that folks just can,t accept us all for who we are . But , the stigma around this lifestyle is so damn sordid to some it almost becomes a weapon. It can be stored away to use in times of embaressment , guilt or down right scorn . I,m very sensitive to this subject , as I fear a very close family member knows of my liking to adorn womens clothing . I just get a feeling in theyre presence , and the looks I recieve have me seriously pondering ...do they know ? I then question , shall i come out to them too - would it ruin relations ??
All my concerns are built around the fact I,m certain my ebay name is no longer a secret - I was online when visited , and when I returned to my pc , the person concerned was looking at ebay pages in search of something - my name clearly visible to see . It only takes a few minutes to check someones ratings and what they may have purchased once in the privacey of theyre own home .......is that why i get the strange sideways looks ?? Should i care ?? I,ve come to the one conclusion , if asked Michelle will come out . And then in response I shall calmy ask the reason why the said person needs to know .
I simply hate deceitfull questions , but I fear it won,t be long before I,ll be asked out right . I,ve already had comments on my looks ( shaven arms and legs ) and the thought of a breakdown because I,m a crossdresser leaves me in fear , almost self loathing as i love the person dearly . I wouldnt be surprised if he even reads my reply to this thread.

All in all , its horrid to be put on the spot , ( I never do this to anyone ) but as I,ve written before , honesty is my only excuse , and if certain people want to put me in a situation of questioning , then sadly I,ll have to deal with it and realise the honesty , respect , and love on theyre part towards me is nothing more than a dubious effort on keeping theyre own ego in check .
Choose carefully people .........its a dear personel part of you to divulge.....

End of sermonn.

[obsessedwithpantyhose]

life is soooooooooo much easyer when EVERYONE knows about ur crossdressing and wearing pantyhose :D:D

[Ruth]

Being a CDer with nobody knowing about you is a strange thing - I know, I did it for some years. But telling other people is a great release and though I know there is a danger of "leakage", I do think it is worthwhile to confide in a few people.
For a start, it gives you something of a sense of proportion about what you are doing.
So, no regrets about this. If you let in other people, you can't control what happens, but on the other hand there may be unexpected good things come of it.

[Julia Welch]

Don't share it.

[Joanna0909a]

Valerie,

Thanks so much for sharing your story and the updates. The fact that both M & S feel like they are being taken advantage of is a revelation to me. I know I constantly dream of having a gg friend to help me along the girlscout trail. I never once thought that a gg may feel taken advantage of somehow, but looking at it from the sidelines of your situation, I can see that possibility. However, I question the initial friendship if this was the case. There are very few people that know about Joanna, although I am sure some question the purse and clear nail polish! I guess what I am saying is that this "taken advantage of" issue will take some time in my blonde head to get sorted out. Could any of those that do know me feel taken advantage of? I hope not but it is something to consider when and if I bare my soul to to another person.

Good luck!

Joanna

[Joanne f]

Well most people have a best friend or friends and then they tell their best friend, that best friend tells their best friend and so it go`s on and before you know it everyone knows, but look on the bright side your friend that was talking to you knows so she must not mind about it and if anyone else is still talking to you that knows they must not mind about it , so it gives you a bit more freedom to talk and maybe do it less secretly .


joanne

[Katelyn]

I've been in a similar situation before with my now x-girlfriend. First of all, I had to tell her about me because I didn't want her to one day find something of mind and think I was cheating on her. She was accepting at first. Later on I found out that she told a few of her friends. We had a long talk after I found out. What sucks now is we remained good friends. She now however now knows she has a weapon to use against me. When I went back home to visit, I invited her along. All was great until one night we got in an argument. I was mad at her and she was mad at me. I said something to my other friend like "This is one reason I decided to break up with her." She responded with "How about I tell him the REAL reason we broke up?" Now he wants to know why we broke up. Anyways, First off, it sound like that your new friend really doesn't mind that you dress. This conversation was probably the best way to tell you that she knows and wants to let you know it's ok with her. Now I agree on damage control. Let her know how it made you feel when you found out that she knew and ask her not to make the same mistake as your other friend. Hope all continues to go well.

[Amy Hepker]

It sounds to me that the person who knows and told you was not trying to put you on the spot, just trying to get you to talk about it. Maybe she could have been a better friend than your old one. You have to figure that not everyone is going to keep a secret like this it is gossip. Just hold your head up high and admit it. If someone you don't want to know says something about it say something like where did you hear that, that's crazy. I am proud of who I am and what I do and someday want to come out to the world when I am ready.

[Lisa Golightly]

I don't know of anyone whom I told in the early days that didn't tell someone else. I don't think you can really expect them to maintain silence. As for going off on one with your friend, well that will achieve nothing beyond bad blood.

[Scotty]

But , the stigma around this lifestyle is so damn sordid to some it almost becomes a weapon. It can be stored away to use in times of embaressment , guilt or down right scorn .


That's exactly what happened to me, was used against me in such a manner.
I've faced this issue, a former friend of mine has apparantly told another good friend of mine and several times he has let it slip about things....

I no longer trust anyone with this.