Down and probably done

[Michelle I]

After spending a week on a supposed vacation where I was free to dress in a way that I wanted to be as free as possible in my dress, I am back. More misable than usual, in 7 days I did not express my femme self once. I did not want to nor did I even try. I looked at all the FAB and knew that I would never look like that or be able to act like that. I looked at all the couples and knew how much I had hurt my late wife in my hiding of my femme things and the lies that "yes I would quit" but never did. I think that the best thing that I can do now is go back into the closet, remove all traces of my femme self and never to return to the femme self that I am starting to hate.

[charlie]

It is all part of being stuck between the norms of society, how we were brought up to believe John Wayne is the man we aspire to be, and that being the man is being the pillar of the family. It sticks. We feel guilty if we do not measure up. And wearing nylons and high heels is not being John Wayne. On the plus side, who are we hurting? It is just clothes! Dressing is not illegal. Feeling good is not illegal. Perhaps going into the closet is not such a bad idea though. Then you can control when you dress and where you go. Nobody you care about will be involved. Better yet, you can plan an outing, not feel guilty and enjoy it!

[DonnaT]

Melissa, I suggest you talk to a therapist. It could be depression talking. But when you talk about hating a part of who you are, then IMO, it's time to seek professional help to find out why.

So, I suggest you hold off purging those fem items until you've talked to someone.

[Rita B]

Gee Melissa, that is so sad. Maybe next year you should sashay east to Boston and join us at First Event.

First Event is a Conference that is hosted by Tiffany Club of New England, one of the oldest and largest TG clubs in the US and the various "Sisters" groups in and around Boston.

We just completed our First Event 2008 and it was fabulous. We had the Peabody Mass Marriott Hotel practically all to ourselves. Over 700 T Girls, wives, and friends registered for this event which consisted of workshops to help Transgendered People in all areas, and banquets and talent shows and fashion shows and many private parties and Vendors showing us all their wares.

My wife joined me for this event and I dressed en femme from about 1 hour after check in until check out time. If you can imagine all these T Girls from 20 years old to 80 years old all mingling together and having a fabulous time. . .and the "to-die" for dresses and makeup and hair. We owned the hotel, the bar, the Ladies Room and they all loved us.

So don't get rid of your wardrobe. Just come to First Event next year.

Rita B

[docrobbysherry]

U must find the level of CDing that u r comfortable with. If u need to closet CD, do that.
I understand how u must feel about going out en femm. No one wants to be a homely, awkward looking woman. That includes GG's!
However, most homely and enormous GG's seem to get over it and get on with their lives. U can, too. If u need to get out to be happy, start with other CD, etc., groups.

I was VERY unhappy with my looks until I created Sherry. I can never take her out of the closet. But now, I'm very happy with her in there with me!
RS

[Nicole Erin]

After spending a week on a supposed vacation where I was free to dress in a way that I wanted to be as free as possible in my dress, I am back. More misable than usual, in 7 days I did not express my femme self once. I did not want to nor did I even try. I looked at all the FAB and knew that I would never look like that or be able to act like that. It is discouraging as hell to compare our femme selves to FAB's but we just cannot do that cause they were born with an advantage none of us will ever have. I looked at all the couples and knew how much I had hurt my late wife in my hiding of my femme things and the lies that "yes I would quit" but never did. I think that the best thing that I can do now is go back into the closet, remove all traces of my femme self and never to return to the femme self that I am starting to hate.

Sweetie, this does not go away. Many of us have had problems because of who we are. We have lost friends, spouses, jobs, and everything else under the sun. But it is not a reason to quit.

You really need to come to grips with this cause once you embrace your femme side, you will be much happier. Love the woman within you. Others may not love her but she holds the key to much of your happiness and comfort. You cannot just throw away/purge who you are. To even try will hurt even more.

I don't say this much but I feel so bad for you, I wish I could help more.
If you would like to talk, please PM me.
MlleErin

OH one last thing - I don't know about your relationships so I cannot offer anything there, but you feel discouraged about your looks? I think you are quite a pretty and convincing woman. I don't think anyone would question that, they would just see another woman.

[Jennaie]

Don't think you're alone, I have been there as well. I might suggest that you put all your femme things away and live life for a while. When you feel the need to pull them out again, they will be there.

[Michelle (Oz)]

Melissa, firstly don't purge; that's way too expensive.

I suspect that there is a good deal more to your concerns than getting out as a less than attractive female but I feel well qualified to comment on this. I get out and about quite regularly ... definitely male, definitely overweight and speak with a male voice. Yes, people look and most likely talk but in all the times out, only twice have I had any concerns.

I try to dress reasonably and do the makeup and hair OK. Even there I am experimenting a bit as confidence grows.

The pleasure I get from being out dressed far far exceeds any negatives. Don't let your thoughts stop you doing what you want to do deep down. The public is a far better person than we give them credit for. Be confident with yourself and those you meet will reflect that confidence.

Michelle (Oz)

[Pamela Julie]

When I look at gm's such as Tom Cruise, Richard Geer, etc., I realize I can never look or act like that, so I think I will just continue dressing in my femme clothes as much as possible.

Pamela:happy:

[raleighbelle]

I agree with what the others say. Don't purge - this isn't something that just goes away, even if you will it to. You will regret it later if you do.

I also agree that it soudnds like there are other issues involved here, such as depression or guilt feelings regarding your late wife. I think counselling would likely be very helpful. It sounds like you may be depressed, and help is certainly available for that.