Gender questioning in adulthood

[Sares]

I was just reading posts on another, unrelated message board, and I came across a coming out post from a transman. He had been a typical girly straight woman -- not butch, not even remarkably tomboyish -- and he had always thought that something about him was a little bit "off." In his childhood and in high school, he knew that something in his mind just wasn't as it should be, but he didn't know what it was. In college he knew that something about him was "queer," but he still didn't know what -- so he tried dating girls and discovered that wasn't it. Then he happened to meet a transman and struck up a friendship with him, and their conversations rapidly convinced him that he needed to seek counseling. Less than two years later, he was on testosterone, changing his name, coming out to his family, and identifying as a gay man. He was stealth on the other message board until he came out in response to a discussion of the transgender community. The idea that he was trans depressed him and confused him for a long time before his therapist suggested hormones, but until the realization occurred, he had just been wondering what the certain-something was.

It was only a few days before I joined this message board that I actually started questioning, and in fact finding this community was part of my initial, "Huh, maybe that's it" thought process. Since then I've really come to relate to what that guy from the other message board was going through. I'm 22 years old -- how could I not have known earlier that something was different about me? Maybe it's just that I always thought of transgendered people as being mostly MTFs. But more likely I'm just very, very, very repressed. Even now, when I get ready to leave the house, I check to see if I look enough like a girl to face the world, unlike most girls who just get dressed and go and never give it a thought. I think that as a child I knew that trying to look like a boy was "wrong," and I went back in the girly direction to avoid my parents' disapproval. I remember being scolded by my mom when I was about ten years old for declaring myself a tomboy -- not a boy, but a tomboy! Since then, I've never thought that I'm a boy on the inside -- I've just always thought of myself as a girl who hates purses and never wears skirts and can't relate to certain other women. I'm also the first person in my family to go to college, and I'm on the verge of graduating with high honors, and I'm in academic societies and what have you. Academically, I've always been expected to succeed, and I have. I probably would have done well anyway, but the parental pressure has been steady. Not overbearing, but steady. Now my parents are putting pressure on me to have a six-figure income right out of college, which, as I've tried explaining to them, happens to no one but corporate lawyers. There are all these pressures constantly coming from them, and maybe I've just been internalizing them so much that the thought of questioning my gender identity never even crossed my mind until now, right before I'm about to graduate and enter the "real world."

I know that a lot of you realized as young children that you were boys in girls' bodies, or that you had a fluid or dual gender identity. For those of you who became aware that you were transgendered in your late teens or in adulthood: how did it come about? Did something cause you to suddenly start questioning, or to have a realization out of the blue, or to discover an explanation for the way you'd been feeling? Or did you sort of steadily progress towards coming to terms with it (i.e., you came out as a lesbian, then later started crossdressing more and more, then began to identify as a man or transman and started counseling, and so on)? And for all of you who went through a period of questioning: what was it like for you? Right now, I'm confused as hell, and unless I have something to distract me I think about these issues. I've also started noticing things about men that I never noticed before -- for example, I've always noticed and been attracted to handsome men, but now when I see men I look at their clothes and wonder how I would look in them, or how people would perceive me if I wore them. Would someone immediately recognize me as crossdressing, or would it go unnoticed, as a certain degree of crossdressing has become acceptable for all women? Just a few days ago I was writing in this forum that I feel comfortable being a girl some of the time and feeling like a boy the rest of the time -- but since then I've started wondering what it would be like to be a bioguy. In particular, I have sideburn envy. I've always liked the look of guys with long sideburns, but now I see them and think, "Oh, he's cute. And I want those!" So I'm curious to know what other people went through while questioning. Did you start seeing people and things differently? Did you go through the whole range of doubts and speculations ("Maybe I should be a man. Actually, maybe I'm not transgendered at all and this is just a phase," etc.)? How did the process change the way you presented yourself to the world?

Obviously I'm not looking for answers to all of those questions, but I am very curious to hear of what other people's experiences were like. (The coming-out-to-family question and the how-to-develop-a-career-that-matches-my-education-level-if-I'm-trans question are subjects that I'll save for another time...)

I'm pretty sure I'll go to counseling, but I want to give myself the rest of the semester first to think things over and get to know myself as best as I can, and also to...graduate. And get a job. And start paying my own rent in New York City. Yikes. :huh:

Sorry for the long post. It seems like all my posts are long. I'm not very wordy in conversations, but give me a pen and paper or a computer keyboard and suddenly my brain kicks into overdrive...

[Cai]

Sounds a lot like me. I knew things were wrong, but I never knew exactly what. It wasn't until last March/April that I realized what was going on. I didn't even realize until a couple years ago that there was such a thing as FtM trans.


For those of you who became aware that you were transgendered in your late teens or in adulthood: how did it come about? Did something cause you to suddenly start questioning, or to have a realization out of the blue, or to discover an explanation for the way you'd been feeling? Or did you sort of steadily progress towards coming to terms with it (i.e., you came out as a lesbian, then later started crossdressing more and more, then began to identify as a man or transman and started counseling, and so on)?
I have a friend on the speech team here who is a closeted transman. I found out about him, and started doing all sorts of research to learn more about it, because I was very curious. And the more I learned, the better a fit it seemed.


And for all of you who went through a period of questioning: what was it like for you?
Well, I never really questioned whether I was trans, because it just seemed such a perfect fit. But I went through a period of time where I was trying to decide if I wanted to just bury it again and live as a girl - it seemed easier. I was afraid no one would love me, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to keep my religious faith, I was afraid I'd lose all my friends, I was afraid I'd never be able to get a job. It took a couple months of serious introspection for me to decide that yes, this is selfish, but I'm allowed to do things that are just for me once in a while. I realised that no matter the cost, I had to be myself.

[kerrianna]

Hi Sares, I hope you don't mind me just mentioning something from my own experience here - I'm mtf.

I've discovered that there are many people like yourself, both mtf's and ftm's. Not everyone KNOWS in childhood that they have gender identity issues. Depending on our upbringing and environments it can be hard to identify what's going on, other than that sense of dis-ease that you mention.

I think having a lack of information is part of it. I had no idea about trans-stuff before, except the stereotypical stuff that the mainstream media puts out. When I learned more about it I realized that I fit many of the patterns, although not all, because we are all different.

Gender questioning is something that can happen at ANY time on a person's life. It really depends on circumstances. At 22 you are still very young (I was 48 when I discovered what was going on under the surface, and my discovery was led subconsciously at first by something that couldn't be ignored any longer), so don't compare yourself negatively to anyone else. I find that later discovery seems quite common. It could be that at an early age we don't always have the skills or experience to recognize what's happening to us. And when our environments and maturity change we can come to new awareness.


I'm a fan of long posts. :p
This is short for me. :hugs:

[ZenFrost]

I didn't come out to myself as being transgendered until I was 18. In mid 2006 I dressed up in men's clothes one day and it felt amazingly good. People had 'mistaken' me for a boy my whole life so for once instead of correcting them I went along with it and dressed and acted like a guy and it made me really happy. But I still didn't think I was a boy. I found this site soon after and lurked for the next six months until finally joining in January 2007. At that time, I identified as a lesbian and a crossdresser (I think I referred to myself as being a 'Mild CD' because so many of the guys here seemed so sure of their masculinity and I didn't). At that time I was saying that I'd probably never transition and that I was still fine with being a woman.

But as time passed I quickly came to realize that being a guy felt right and after having been depressed my whole life I was actually happy. Thinking about transitioning started having an appeal to it, and imagining myself as a guy felt like I'd finally found something that fit, after a lifetime of looking.

I didn't grow up ever suspecting that I was in the wrong body, and even in my early teens my mother had asked me several times if I wanted to be a guy instead of a girl (she must've seen something in me that I hadn't). But literally a matter of days after joining this site I began to question that and have found that being a man is far truer to being me than anything I've ever been before. Transitioning has become a 'when' instead of an 'if' for me and I've finally gotten comfortable with myself and the fact that I'm a man.

[DanielMacBride]

I didn't realise I was male until a month before My 37th birthday - up to that point, I had always felt that something was wrong with My life but was never able to articulate what that something was. I just felt like I was walking through a Dali painting but I was the only person who KNEW it was a Dali painting, everyone else thought it was normal. I did the whole "Ubergirl" thing, being overly femme and having kids and all that, but it never made Me happy and I never felt like it was right....

My gender discovery only really came about because I met up with a MtF friend I hadn't seen in about 4yrs, and during our conversations when she was describing her struggle with coming to terms with her identity, several bells went off for Me and I went "wait a minute, I KNOW those feelings!" so, questioning My gender (I realised I knew I was not fully female, just didn't at that point know exactly where on the spectrum I sat) I started to read all the MtF sites she sent Me. At that point in My life I had NO idea that FtMs even existed or were possible - but when I stumbled across a FtM site in My online wanderings, I read the entire thing and when I finished I was like "OMG....THATS Me, THATS what I am!" and I just KNEW...

So I came out that day and went fulltime the next day because I knew in My gut that I HAD to...I have gone through a questioning process since then though, but never at ANY point have I seriously doubted who I am - mostly it's just when someone triggers a dysphoric episode that reminds Me that My body does not match My brain, or when I am hijacked by female hormones every month and that makes Me vulnerable to doubts...I always have the question in the back of My head of "am I doing the right thing?" but I think that's a good thing, because it makes Me consider what I do and really KNOW that I am on the right path.

Daniel

[Syr_SwitchyGQ]

Sares,

Your experience seem actually quite similar to mine. I too was pushed hard academically and am expected to do important things with my life (and hopefully get paid well for it too :p) regardless (or perhaps in spite of) my gender identity. I too also was very very femme for years (although there was a nagging sense of "other") even though I would sporadically go through phases of having to be tomboyish and uncaring about my appearance, buying boxers and men's jeans, etc. For years I kept returning to the femme fatale lipstick lesbian archetype, even though something about it felt off. Finally, the last semester of my senior year of high school, I dressed up as a guy for a drag show and didn't want to lose "him." I struggled with this for awhile, reacting by being as femme as possible, only to discover that it was more painful to do so than to accept myself. I have since been attempting to figure out exactly how far I want to take this, although I am now quite sure that I would prefer to live as a man, even if I don't transition. It has taken me months to get here, but I've felt more complete than I ever have before. I hope you too find your way, and that you begin to feel more complete as you discover more parts of Sares than you knew previously. :hugs: We're here to help, discuss, or just banter around with whenever. :happy:

[Felix]

Hi Sares :hugs:

I'm gonna be 42 this year and three three years ago on bombfire night was the first time in years that I had thoughts going through my head of what I wanted to look like which would come into line with thoughts that regularly went through my head. I did like you said have thoughts of wanting to be a boy when I was 8, quite young I guess. I put these thoughts well away as I was in a strong Catholic family. Thoughts of being different continued till I was 12 when I realized fully how much I liked girls so I came out to my mum as gay and was immediately shoved into the closet. So I did date boys but they nearly always had a strong feminine side. I always fancied the girls and lids kept flying off that I had to put back on firmly. I got married had kids. Never felt right in myself and my clothes. I was always uncomfortable in girls clothes.
When I finally came out well it would have been seven years ago this summer, it was like a revelation I was free. So I have been living as mainly a butch lesbian although at times did daft things like grow my hair which I could always rationalize the reasons for. So three years ago my ex pointed out to me that I wanted to look like a trans friend of ours that had visited on bombfire night. I was :o but said yeah I do wanna look like that. Since then I have questioned and stuff. It took till the April 2006 when I looked for a site to do with this. Then I decided I wanted to bind it didn't take long before I did and from then on I realized this is how I wanted to be. It felt right, it felt like I was finding myself. I started dressing more and more regularly and becoming more and more confident in myself as to how I wanted to be. I did question continually and still am and therefore I am now going for gender councilling. I need to sort this out once and for all. I dress all the time as male and have done for almost two years. I do almost everything as male. I have had this name for a long time not everybody knows about it and it is only people I trust who call me Felix all the time. I'm not out in my job well to the powers to be. I am out to the doctor now had to be to get councilling. So its just going forwards now and lets see where it takes me. Hope this has helped Sares xx Felix :hugs:

[CaptLex]

Mine is a long and convoluted story, Sares, so I'll try not to bore you with the details. I knew I was a boy when I was little (about 4 years old) and I was forced to repress it for a very long time due to the times (it was the 60's) and my family (very, very backwards people). Growing up I rebelled in little ways and used to crossdress when I was a teenager, but I finally had to give in to the inevitability that I couldn't change my fate and lived as much in female mode as I could stand - aided by female hormones I had to ingest for PCOS. :rolleyes:

Then one day (a little over 2 years ago - 40 years after I originally knew the truth) I stopped taking those nasty hormones and my naturally-produced male hormones returned. Without the female hormones to suppress the male hormones, I had to endure a lot of physical pain, but it was worth it as I no longer walked around like a zombie and felt happier than I had in a very long time. When I started crossdressing again, I knew I had to finally figure out what all that meant and did a LOT of investigating (obsessively all day long, every day for many months) until I got it (and believe it or not, most of the credit goes to Eddie Izzard). :tongue:

Now I no longer produce female hormones, so I don't have to deal with both types fighting it out in my body anymore - and it's a great feeling to finally have the right stuff in my pipes (even if I can't change my plumbing). :bg:

Yep, there's a lot of confusion in the beginning, especially 'cause it's not exactly the same for everyone. We're all in similar situations, but there are also differences and there is no ONE way to experience it. You're doing the right thing - asking lots of questions. It's a process, but you'll figure out your own stop along the trans spectrum as you explore yourself more. :hp:

[Emily Ann Brown]

If I can interject my experience here, I too suffered from the "dis-ease".

All my life I looked at my body and wondered why I wasn't "man enough".... no body hair, wennie arms despite weightlifting, delicate sized feet....you get the picture. I hated most guy stuff, and especially hated it when other guys got crude about women, and really didn't relate to men at all. I loved it when I got to college and grew my hair long.

Turn the clock to age 50 .... my remaining parent has died and I have to go 5 hours away to clean out her home for sale and various such stuff. Gonna be there every weekend for a month ALONE (wife and kids stayed behind). I wake up the first Sunday morning there and I'm DRESSED. I vaguely remember going in to WalMart's and coming out with panties, hose, skirt, bra, top and heels. OMGosh !!!!! The big issue was not that I was dressed, but that I was COMFORTABLE dressed and felt right for the first time.

That started several years of on again off again CDing. It triggered me to ask all the questions I suppose I had put off all my life because I didn't want to end up in a nuthouse somewhere. I found this site, and a few other sisters in my area. Slowly it all clicked. And here I am today.

Emily Ann

[Sares]

Wow, so much to respond to! I'll do my best. It's hard visiting this forum, because I often have to do it after my roommates are asleep. I only get good a wireless signal in the living room...which is also the closet. :dry:

Those of you who mentioned that you put 2 + 2 together when you found out about the existence of FTMs: I find the same thing happening with myself. I learned about FTMs a few years ago and I looked up some information on the Internet, but it was a very brief curiosity. I didn't think about it again until just recently. But now it's become something I can't quite get off my mind, and I think it's because so much of it just seems to explain things that I can't otherwise explain. I came to this forum declaring that I was not a female but also not a transman, and now...I'm not so sure. I always read about people who knew as children that they were transgendered and declared that they wanted to be the opposite sex and hated their genitals, without any sort of outside influence, but I guess that those of us who don't have such severe gender dysphoria don't realize that we have it at all until we discover its existence through news media or the Internet or through FTMs we know...

Dressing in masculine clothes has made me feel happy my entire life, but I'm only just now beginning to think that I might be a boy -- and it really is a surprising thought, because I've considered myself mostly content up until now. But certain things are starting to make more sense. Fortunately, I've never been consistently depressed -- I have had periods of depression, but they've always been very mild and seasonal, with mostly physical symptoms -- but I have always been very socially awkward. It wasn't until moving to New York for college that I opened up, in part because it's such a permissive and non-judgmental environment compared to where I grew up, and in part because I took a customer service job that forced me out of my shell. Even my sister noticed that I started to become both socially and physically awkward as a young child and have been ever since. Wearing dresses or girly clothing just worsens the physical awkwardness to the point of discomfort...and it seems to always bring on anxiety, too. Lex, you hit the nail on the head: I feel a bit like a zombie sometimes. I've also had issues with body image in recent years, and I'm attempting to sort out a good weight-gain program. A lot of my female friends say "I wish I was as thin as you! Why are you trying to gain weight?", and I've always been quick to point out that voicing that opinion is unsympathetic to people who are underweight -- being underweight can be just as difficult to deal with as being overweight! -- but now I'm starting to understand a little better why I don't share that opinion. 90% of the other girls with whom I've discussed my weight-gain woes have been jealous of me, so why can't I be happy with my body? Because it's frail, and I want to be thick, and broad, and have physical strength.

Also, Daniel: It's comforting to know that self-discovery can be such a quick process, because this whole CD-to-TG thing has been very rapid for me. Surprisingly so. I'm trying to get myself psyched up to go to the LGBT Community Center for counseling information tomorrow, which is far sooner than I had expected to. I don't think I could come out today, but part of me is just itching to tell people about these thoughts I'm having...especially my roommates and my sister. How nice that everything fell into place for you. Hopefully the same will happen for me.

And to kerrianna and Emily Ann: nice to meet you, ladies! kerrianna, of course I don't mind your input -- any and all support and advice is welcome. Maybe I'll pop in over on the girls' side sometime and say hello. :hp: Maybe I'll get brave enough to post a picture of myself in the Rogues' Gallery too. *gulp* No one who's not a registered user can see that, right?

Thanks to everyone for their responses. It's been enjoyable reading about the range of experiences, and I can relate to so, so much of it. And it's not as scary as I thought it would be to relate. In fact, I'm just feeling better about not being alone. ZenFrost and Tobias in particular: your responses really hit home. I've got a lot to think about!

[gennee]

I discovered that I was trans almost three years ago. I was fifty-six at the time. I always had the feeling that I was different but I didn't know why. It didn't bother me enough to cause any discomfort or inner conflict. As time went on the feeling was more pronounced and more often.

It was in May 2005 that I got an urge to try on my spouse's skirt. Never had that urge before. After some procrastination, I acted upon it. I thought it would go away but it got stronger instead. Fast forward to now, I am a happy :happy: and content male to female crossdresser. I never felt guilty or ashamed about wearing women's clothing. I feel liberated and completed.

Gennee

:happy:

[ZenFrost]

Maybe I'll get brave enough to post a picture of myself in the Rogues' Gallery too. *gulp* No one who's not a registered user can see that, right?


Non-members can't see that section but it is open to any registered users. If you're really nervous about posting there, once you have 10 posts you can get into the Clubhouse and post a picture in there.



ZenFrost and Tobias in particular: your responses really hit home. I've got a lot to think about!

Also one you've got 10 posts, if you have any personal questions you like to ask me, feel free to PM me. :smilep:

[Sares]

Thanks, ZenFrost, I will! Especially because I didn't get to the LGBT Center today as hoped. Benadryl ought to be illegal, I swear -- one pill and bam! I was practically comatose all day. My mom called me four times to try to wake me up, and each time I was all, "Huh? Wha? Call me back." *click* :wacko:

Now I need to find two more posts to reply to...