For those who have already come out

[Emma England]

There are a lot of newbies on this forum (and some established people too) who are still in the closet.

But there are many who have come out to partners, family, friends, or to yourself.

What was the decision to do so?

Is it a gradual process of learning who you really are?

Did you suddenly wake up and decide that you had enough of hiding?

Over time, do you learn not to care what other people think?

Maybe freedom of expression?

Sick of being frustrated or stressed or guilty or ashamed?

I realise that fear only comes from within your own mind.

Some people suggest that there is no such thing as a crossdresser because clothes are not actually gender-specific. I have never understood why it is not socially acceptable for boys to wear skirts (presenting as male rather than crossdressing).

I have never met anyone who has said that they want to be different from other guys though. i.e. when I grow up, I want to be a crossdresser

If in a relationship, true honesty is difficult, but is it not harder to keep a major part of your life completely secret?

This forum is great for communication, and I learn everyday. This does not stop the lifestyle to remain too complicated. I don't understand my own self sometimes.

Why are there some people in this world that say the most spiteful things to you? Variety is important, so why not respect someone who has a different opinion instead of attacking them? Thankfully this has never happened to me personally, but I realise that it goes on.

By the way, I am single so have no one to come out to. I am only curious as to the reasoning behind how others have done so.

Maybe the replies will help anyone to show their true self.
Maybe I will understand more.
Who knows?

[Mitch23]

Well let me see. I came out because I was careless and my wife found some of my gear. Did I want to? Probably yes, because I was tired of hiding and secrecy and Mitch was becoming such an important part of me that it was like trying to hide an elephant in the closet. Do I regret it? No because I no longer have to experience guilt and shame, lots of people know now and the world continues to turn. Is it easy? No, my wife is still unsupportive and moves between grudging acceptance and downright hostility. I expected divorce but we're still together although things are far from easy. Am I free to express myselF? To a degree but have to exercise discretion and negotiate. Do I regret being who and what I am? Heck no!

Emma, didn't you have to come out to your parents? Surely that was equally challenging?

love

mitch

[Dawn D.]

The decision for me to come out, started with the need to tell my Wife. But, only after finding this forum. It took about two month's after first finding this wonderful site and begining the process of self discovery and realization, that I was finally able to write her a letter to bring awareness to her. Is it a gradual process? Sort of, but on many different levels. Each level is different in how or when to approach the "outing", if you will. As well the responses dictate to me how to proceed further or not. One thing though, is clear, Dawn is coming! Get ready for the light! Over time I am learning not to care what other people think. The only thing that tempers my full exposition to the world though, is my Wife. As her acceptance grows, so does my reveal. So yes it is a gradual process and it is proceeding. What I have come to realize of late is, now, I like myself. There is no more fear, no more shame, no more guilt, only pure self-acceptance and ready to gain more from the rest of the world. Let the journey begin!




Dawn

[Vickygogirl]

Something snapped into place in my own mind recently and i realised vicky was never going to be far from me, after all the purges and denial over the last 30 odd years, she is always there..and i just there and then realised i had to set her free.. I had stuff hidden all around my own home ( and im single), but i chucked loads of old bob mode clothing away, made room in a wardrobe, and spent, spent, spent loads all on new clothes for vicky, make up, which i had never used much of before, and several pairs of false silicon forms.. c d and e sized so im now very variable..new wigs. told some close friends about vicky, also told sister and Mam about her, auntie and cousin in USA also know now as well... Im taking it slowly at first, but will be coming out to a lot more people gradually from now on... And the best thing is Im not really that bothered what enyone else thinks about me doing this, I ve accepted it... this is me !! its what i am.

Vicky x

[Nigella]

Depends upon when you mean, there has been at least 3 coming outs for me.

1. Telling Sandra. This was 6 months into our marriage, not even sure how the topic came up, but I ended up wearing her basque, and out of the blue I told her that I enjoyed wearing it. She thought I was having her on, but quickly realized I wasn't.

2. Telling our daughter. All my dressing before going 24/7 was done whilst she was at school, in bed etc, as she got older she went to bed later and this gave me less time to dress. Sandra and I discussed this and agreed it was time to tell her. She took it well, said I had an idea and then went on to ask if she could borrow my stuff.

3. Telling the world. We had gone shopping and whilst waiting for Sandra, our daughter and I were discussing my coming out to the world. We both thought it was a good idea, and she helped me persuade Sandra it was the right move. I had been ready for a few years, but would not do anything till they were ready.

The rest they say is history.

[stellatoo]

I've come out to a few people, mainly girlfriends who I've been in what I hoped were long term relationships.
I've always thought it the right thing to do-honesty is so much easier to remember:D

For the most part it's always been ok and relationships have broken up because of something else. Only one girl left me purely because I told her about Stella. And it turned out ok because a few weeks later I started what was to be the longest relationship I've ever had-13 years! She knew and was mainly ok with it-even coming out to TV friendly clubs at the start of our relationship and buying me things on and off for the rest of the time!


I say always tell the person you're sharing your life with, the others that you just see now and again may or may not need to know! But I don't want to get brave with anybody elses blood so weigh it all up and be certain and sure before you say anything (or nothing!).


Good luck with what you decide to do.


Stella

[Nicole Erin]

Since there are a lot of people who love to stick their nose where it does not belong, it is easier to just tell them if they pry.

My wife would have eventually gone thru my stuff.
My dad who is the nosiest person on the planet asked me one day when a neighbor of his called me "she" even tho I was in drab.

YOu see, as CD's we could care less what other people wear but the rest of society thinks people should wear certain things.

Gender rules - what a load of crap.

[Cherry Lynn]

I came out to my wife, who is now my ex-wife, several years ago and she was accepting. We had a lot of fun with her helping me dress and buying things for me. I then told my sister and a close male friend. We had some friends who lived in a large city several hours away who also knew but no one in the small town we live in were aware as far as I know. This past year my wife filed for divorce and it got pretty ugly. She began threatening to expose me as a way to control me and get more out of the settlement. I decided if she was going to tell my mom and our son and daughter I needed to tell them first. I told my mom first and she was OK with it. I then told my daughter and she and her husband were cool too. I told my son last and really thought he would freak but he was cool with it too. Since the divorce I have dated several women and told them early in the relationship. I am still friends with one but one was looking for a commitment which I could not give anyway and I have not talked to her lately but she said she did not have a problem with the CD'ing. It sure took the wind out of my ex's sails when she found out I told everybody and I feel so much better.

[Deborah Jane]

Gender rules - what a load of crap.
You said it!!

I,ve come out to 4 people..My "ex" wife, bad idea.
My mum, she,s fine with it.
My daughter, she,s also fine and wants me to take her shopping as Debs sometime.
My therapist, she helped me accept myself as who i am.
In other words 3/4 of the people i,ve told have been fine with it, but i doubt i,ll tell those i expect not to be.

[trannie T]

So far I'm only out to a friend and my brother. I told my buddy after I'd spent a weekend in Reno and gone to a drag show enfemme. He kept pestering me asking what I'd done all weekend so I got a bit fed up with his questions and told him. He was dumbfounded and quit asking questions. I was concerned that I had damaged our friendship but things quickly became normal and he now makes a few little jokes about crossdressing.
In the event of my demise I did not want my brother to be surprised when he went through my worldly posessions so when I saw him last summer I told him of my crossdressing. We have not spoken since then which is not unusual but he did send a birthday card so I assume our relationship has not changed drastically.
I intend to come out to a few more people as time goes by, it may not be easy to come out to others but as I believe that honesty is the best policy it is something I must do.

[Joanne f]

I can`t really say why i told my wife i just felt like i wanted to, in some odd way i think it had some thing to do with trust and relief plus the thinking that why should a male not be able to wear a skirt, maybe my desires were over riding my common sense , yet when i was asked by some one if i thought it was right for a man to wear women's cloths i said, i have just spent the time making a skirt for my self so that skirt as far as i can see a mans skirt so that should make it ok for me to wear it , guess what it still do`s not work that way in their eyes, i have moved on a lot since then now i just buy what i want ( yes all the girlie stuff).
Am i glad that i came out with it in the first place, at first no because things did not go well to start with nearly lost it all but as time went by my wife realised that it should not make any difference as to what clothes i like to wear around the house, so know i am glad that it is out in the open as far as my family is concerned but i should add that it has caused problems on the out side world not just for me which i can put up with but also for my children which i feel very guilty for and it is that part which stops me doing more on the out side so that part is a very big no.

So now i have the freedom of expression in the home but i have to admit that i would really love to have it on the outside world but must not grumble hey:D
Ok i done it to make life easier for me ( no happier for me )

joanne




YOu see, as CD's we could care less what other people wear but the rest of society thinks people should wear certain things.

Gender rules - what a load of crap.

This is the part that i just can`t understand as to why i can`t just wear what i like without people calling me names and harassing me .


joanne

[Nigella]

This is the part that i just can`t understand as to why i can`t just wear what i like without people calling me names and harassing me .



joanne

You can, but then again so can they, that is the wonder of democracy and the right to freedom of expression and speech. Catch 22 really isn't it?

[Joanne f]

You can, but then again so can they, that is the wonder of democracy and the right to freedom of expression and speech. Catch 22 really isn't it?

Nigella i am glad to say that for most of you , you can, but for me to have my freedom the price came to high for my family.

joanne

[SweetCaroline]

I've always been female gender in my mind, so there was no real coming out in that sense.

As for the coming out process. It started with hoping to end my own fears of others discovering I was trans-gendered, and is now about hoping to enlighten other peoples fears about what being trans-gendered is all about.

As for coming out to my family, it was mainly an urge to be honest with those I was supposed to trust the most, and to put an end to the hiding and making up stories and basically telling lies to the people I loved. In other words, the benefits of coming out basically outweighed the task of me hiding "Caroline" from my family. It's a long story, but it involved both a process of gradually introduction, as well as a few just blurting things out moments. But now that I'm out, I think it's for the better. :)

[Eugenie]

There have been three coming out decisions for me.

The first one was with my wife: I couldn't hide it as I felt it was ceatting on her. So I decided to telle her almost right after out mariage. I had not told her earlier as I thought that it would disapear in adulthood...

It was more that ten years later that I did my second coming out. It was with a woman with whom I had had a long relationship as a lover. (My wife knew about it, this was the period of "sexual liberation") I respected her a lot and felt that I had to tell her. She took it extremely well. Actually we're still lovers albeit virtual ones since she lives across the Atlantic...

The third coming out came much later on just four years ago and in fact there were quite a few of them... I felt sort of compelled to do so with a few women whom I had friendly but deep relationships. It felt very natural and all of then really reacted extremely well...

Now I often feel that need to come out. I want to exist as Eugenie and coming out is the best way I've found to do so...

Of course I don't feel like coming out to some of the people I know but whom I don't have much in common with.

I feel much better with people I've come out to than with the others.

:hugs:
Eugenie

[heidi99]

What an awesome post, Emma!

Hmmm, let's see. The first person I "came out" to was the lady that eventually became my wife. I had been in long term relationships before, but me having that secret I think worked to undermine them. So I determined that in the next serious one, I would tell the truth early on (and I think that is a good policy, one by which I now live.)

Marriage began to go south (not because of CDing, but because I married a criminal), so in fairly rapid succession, I told my parents, a couple of friends from my church (and these 4 people were the glue that held me together during that difficult time), and a former girlfriend (she had pretty much already figured it out on her own.) She's still a close friend.

Told 2 more friends, and finally, for my current gig, told my boss at my contracting company (I had known him for a few years) and the hr person of the company to whom I was to be sub-contracted to (because there was to be a background check, and if they talked with the ex-wife, they'd find out anyway.)

So, how many is that? I'd estimate about 10-12 people, and none of them reacted badly. I think they would rather have a compassionate, honest crossdressing son/friend than someone who is "normal" with a less honorable character.

[Angie G]

I felt the need do dress more and one hot day talking to the wife after being out side all day about it not fare girls can wear skirts and boys can't. So when we got home she gave me one of her skirts to wear and it progressed form there That was almost 3 years ago to this day she is the only one that knows. She needs her man around so I outer dress drab on the weekends for her But I still ware my panties on weekends :hugs:

[Anna the Dub]

First person I came out to was my best friend (female). I found it very hard to come out, but she gave me an opening when we were both drunk one night, by revealing something very personal about herself. I had felt for a while that I needed to tell her as we were very close and told each other everything, except this huge thing in my life that was just eating me up. I was very, very depressed for a long time trying to come to terms with myself whilst I was still 'in'. She was fine with it (we are still best friends 14 years later) once she got her head around it, and within days was planning shopping trips and nights out. She can't remember what I was like before now. To her I am Anna, plain and simple. Next up was my GP (accompanied by my friend), who referred me for counselling, who then referred me to a specialist psychiatrist.

Next up was my family, who reacted very, very badly. All of them. So badly, that I had no contact at all with my Mother or Father for 9 years. I am now in contact with all of my family again (except one brother that I haven't seen in 17 years), but as far as the family are concerned, I never came out at all, and am now back to 'normal'. The fact that they live in Ireland and I live in England makes it easier. When I visit them, I wear baggy shirts to hide my breasts, answer to my birth name, and generally pretend to be male for a few days. I am quite good at acting the part, I had a whole lifetime to practice. I can cope with this, as long as it is only for a few days, and my parents are very elderly now, so I am prepared to pretend to be a man for them.

I came out at work next. This was hard at first, but fairly easy in the long run. Most of the men pretend it doesn't exist, but the women are so curious, and very, very supportive.

Basically, I am out to everyone now, except my immediate neighbours, whom I don't really know and it is none of their business anyway. I haven't transitioned yet, but it's coming.

[JoAnnDallas]

Coming out to my wife was like the first time I walked into a store fully dressed and bought something. I was always scared to be seen in public, then one evening I was filling up the SUV and just decieded to go into the station store and buy a bottle of water. I was calm and collected and nothing happened except when I got back into the SUV I was thrilled. Same with when I told my wife. last summer I was on the couch watching TV and my wife noticed my underware was showing and also noticed that they were NOT male underware. She stood there and asked me why I was dressed that way. Well like when I went into that station store, I got up and told her that I liked dressing that way. Then resulting disccusions started. Again I felt calm and collected at the moment. She has not been totally accepting but we have come to an agreement.

[Bobby Anne]

Coming out was an ordeal, sometimes I wish I stayed in the closet.
Looking back now it was all so very silly. I did enjoy the ride though.
Would I do it again? Dunnoo........

[KandisTX]

The first people I came out to were maternal figures (one I call Mom (but not as a term of endearment), the other I call "Mother" as she is my step-mother but was more of a mother than any other woman).

My main reason for coming out was desiring of acceptance and my own wardrobe. Did no happen with Mom, but it did happen with Mother, and sister (1/2 sister). The two of them became my greatest means of support and help with obtaining clothing. Mother would buy me clothes, and sister would sometimes buy me stuff, but mostly she would give me some cast-offs.

My first wife did not know until after we had been married a year, second wife knew from start, as did third wife (she met me while I was out dressed en femme), current wife (GlitterGG on this forum), has known since we met and is just as staunch of a supporter as Mother is.

Kandis:love:

[melissacd]

What was the decision to do so?

- I have moved out on my own and I need to come out to any family and friends who plan to visit my place because it is such a femme environment.

Is it a gradual process of learning who you really are?

- it has been a gradual process over the last few years that has led to finally starting to live the life that I must live

Did you suddenly wake up and decide that you had enough of hiding?

- the death of my father in 2004 and the death of a good CD friend in 2006 were triggers in my decision process, life is too short to be who you should be

Over time, do you learn not to care what other people think?

- as I get into the public more I realize that the opinions of others are irrelevant

Maybe freedom of expression?

- I am now feeling very free to express this wonderful creative side of myself

Sick of being frustrated or stressed or guilty or ashamed?

- got past the sick of being stressed, guilty and ashamed sometime in 2005/2006 ish time frame

I realise that fear only comes from within your own mind.

- you are absolutely correct, our fear is our worst enemy in realizing our true selves and stopping the deception

Some people suggest that there is no such thing as a crossdresser because clothes are not actually gender-specific. I have never understood why it is not socially acceptable for boys to wear skirts (presenting as male rather than crossdressing).

- there is much about society that I do not understand, however, I do not have to understand these things so long as I understand myself, what I want and what I need to be a happy and joyful human being

I have never met anyone who has said that they want to be different from other guys though. i.e. when I grow up, I want to be a crossdresser

- you have to get out there and meet more people then :-)

If in a relationship, true honesty is difficult, but is it not harder to keep a major part of your life completely secret?

- I am learning, by getting my butt kicked in relationships, that the only way to be in a relationship if ever it is to be what I want and what I need is to be totally open - I lost the best person I could have ever wanted in my life because I was not able to shake old habits that I learned from a lifetime of having to hide how I really felt from others

This forum is great for communication, and I learn everyday. This does not stop the lifestyle to remain too complicated. I don't understand my own self sometimes.

- then it is good that you come here and ask these questions so that you can grow your own understanding and through that help all of us grow our understanding as well

Why are there some people in this world that say the most spiteful things to you? Variety is important, so why not respect someone who has a different opinion instead of attacking them? Thankfully this has never happened to me personally, but I realise that it goes on.

- we have to develop a thick skin when it comes to that, people are afraid of what they do not understand and one way of dealing with that fear is to lash out at what they do not understand, we cannot change others, we can only manage how we live in this world, set the best example that we can, be friendly and courteous and be a great educator to others

By the way, I am single so have no one to come out to. I am only curious as to the reasoning behind how others have done so.

- this is a good curiosity and the answers will serve you well if and when you become not single

Maybe the replies will help anyone to show their true self.
Maybe I will understand more.
Who knows?

- one can only hope :-)

Huggs
Melissa

[obsessedwithpantyhose]

i got tired of hiding and i dont care what others think

it helpd with bein a bit careless when i was younger to not have kept my pantyhosed ankles hidden to well so others noticed and it just mushroomd from there :D

[Susan Dee]

I came out to my wife at the beginning of last year, after a long time of being in the closet. Why did I come out? I think because I was at last understanding just who I am - but more importantly accepting who I am, and I wanted to be free. So Emma, I guess I came out to myself first.

It was a difficult time for both of us, but we are much closer because of it and things are a lot easier now. No more guilt. I am happy to be me - the whole me.

Susan