Okay, blending?

[Kate Simmons]

I see a lot of postings about "blending". While I understand the concept, I'm finding it kind of hard to grasp. I am pretty dense sometimes. If the purpose of "blending" as some say is to not put CD's in a bad light and we "blend' that good that we are undetectable and are seen as genetic women, how does that really accomplish anything for CD's or the TG community? I mean if someone walks by us (say on the street or in a mall) and their brain says: "woman" and they see us that way, what does that do other than give us some kind of personal satisfaction? After all, we are really a guy but it seems that by being in "stealth" and if we are that good at passing, we are the only one who supposedly knows that. If that really is not the case and we really do not "pass", we are only fooling ourselves the way I see it, so what is the real point?. Help me out here.:happy:

[Nicki B]

I've always understood 'blending' as dressing so as not to be noticed at all - if they looked hard, they'd notice you weren't born a woman (or a man for the F2Ms)?

Dressing older than your real age, and/or in drab colours, is blending?

[charlie]

Now, now! Blending is the way you go out in public and pass as a woman and not get rocks tossed ot you, chided, or embarassed. Marching with a sign at the Gay Rights
Rainbow Parade is how you score points for the cause. Then you look like a perfect woman that all can see, yet all know you are not. I don't think most here are trying for equal rights under the social law. However, I am often myopic and may be missing some of the finer points here.

[stormrider]

Most women I have known want to "pass" also. Not in the same manner we do, being accepted as a female, but as being a pretty girl or beautiful woman. Those of us who talk about passing are looking for the same type of "passing" but at a different level. I think that it is just a natural femminine instinct to be as pretty as you can. I know I am constantly looking at women and wishing I was as pretty as them.


Michelle

[Pamela Julie]

People notice and remember the exceptions. Examples are: the man in a wheel chair, the 6 foot tall woman, the man in a dress. Beautiful women get long looks of admiration, then are forgotten a few minutes later usually. As a crossdresser, I want to be looked at as a woman, not a man in a dress, or the exception. Being thought of as a beautiful woman is great, but not as important as just being thought of as a woman. If I want to do something to help our cause, I would do some kind of promotional event, or try out for female roles in local theater. The height of a trip to the mall, is to shop enfemme and have nobody remember me more than a few minutes after passing me, except sa's that like me as a customer and person, where it would be obvious I am a man in a dress.

[Phoebe Reece]

Blending is simply a method to assist in passing. By dressing in the same style of clothing, makeup, hair, etc. as the vast majority of GG's do for the location you are in, you will not be noticed as much and are therefore more likely to "pass". It is possible to "pass" without "blending", but with fewer people. If you are not particularly concerned about passing, then blending is likewise not important.

I do believe Salandra is right about stealth not helping the TG community. If we all went out and we all passed 100% of the time, who would know we even exist? Those of us that go out and don't worry quite so much about blending and passing do let the average person know we exist and are among them. I believe that the more we are out there showing the world that we are ordinary people who just happen to look a bit different, the more we will be accepted.

[sterling12]

Just my definition, but for me "blending," is not "passing." Every Cd gets read eventually, but most folks don't care or have the inclination to put up a fuss.

"Blending," is the art of making it easy for folks not to make that fuss. If you look or act garishly, then the theory is that you will be offensive to GG's and others. if you are properly attired and look "appropriate" for your surroundings, then even if you are recognized as CD, the hope is that people will sort of grudgingly accept your right to dress in a femme manner. Or, they might even admire you chutzpah....even better!

"Passing," means that everybody thinks you are a GG. Odds are about 99% that it won't happen ALL of the time. And, yes your right, you would not be furthering the idea of acceptance, if you passed all the time.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Kate Simmons]

Okay, I'm getting what Phoebe and Joanie are saying and that is kind of my thinking as well. I think for most folks, however, it's more of a self satisfaction thing. I like the thinking that if we have the gonads to go out, make our best(blending) presententation and people "make" us anyway, they may sometimes respect the fact that we had the guts to do it and this makes sense. What I do not see is that it is a deliberate "public service" for CD's by other CD's so that the public will not "look down" on us as a whole. I think that would amount somewhat to subtle self deception and an insidious attempt to impose "CD standards" on others. While it may make sense to blend in somewhat to soften the "blow", personal self expression is still what it is all about for many of us regardless of the "fallout". In other words, some make no bones about pushing the "envelope" and the purpose for going out dressed varies according to the individual.:happy:

[tamarav]

Damned straight! I push that envelope as hard as I can and relish every moment of it. If I don't I lose that edge I have on being simply another person passed in the crowd, and I have done that for too many years. Now that I have achieved what I feel is a pretty damn good acceptable look, I will flaunt it to the end.

My work mates wait in anticipation to see what I wear to work each day, not because I am garrish, but because I am the best dressed woman in the shop. It has had an influence on them and they have cleaned up a little.

My whole approach comes about because I chose to change my life to fit my desires, not to spend the rest of my days wishing I had. I make less money, learned to gossip, and can now openly watch other women with no problems. And I love every single minute of it! I have a reason for doing it and I use it.

Tami

[Bobby Anne]

The "Blending" covers much ground. Most of all beyond good feminine looks is attitude and behavior. Manner of dress is important too. You wouldn't walk into a Str8 bar dressed as a Sissy Maid, or a biker bar as Marilyn Monroe. So "Blending" really depends on where and what occasion is involved. Now, if it's a trip to the Mall.. thats another story. Make yourself as ugly as you can and no one will notice you except for those pesky female mall rats. Teenagers are the hardest one to fool, they have 20/20 vision and are curious about any gender anomaly they come across, not having their own identity in tact yet.

I myself liked to stand out, "Flashy" someone once said about me.

[Emily Ann Brown]

I recommend ways of blending to newbies not for the public but so the newbie can have a positive experience and grow. It does nothing to show the public we are there and cool. At best all it does is make us easier to accept WHEN they figure it out and know who we are genetically.

Emily Ann

[shannonsilk]

Many interesting points here.
Emily Ann mentioned newbies and for newbies "blending" or "passing" is a good goal. If u have a bad 1st experience you maynever want to try going out again. you will definitely not want to be noticed.
As you gain more confidence and get used to "the looks" you can change your style and push the "envelope".
I am now comfortable with the idea that I get "made" but as long as they don't know specifically who I am , I am OK with that.

[KimberlyS]

Salandra, from what I read about you, I would say you are blending and not trying to "Pass".

To me blending is when going out dressed you are presenting a decent feminine image (MTF) or masculine image (FTM), to the general public where you are going out. You are not trying to "Pass" off yourself as a person of the opposite sex, you are just being yourself. You are wearing clothes similar to what others are wearing. In doing this many of the people that see you really do not see you. You are just a person in the crowd of their busy lives. To those that actually look at us and see us some cases are:
- They may see us as a male wearing femme clothes, as in my case.
- And be offended by it and give you that look of disgust.
- Many give the what ever look or comment and move on.
- Some just give a knowing smile.
- Some give a knowing grin of like or intrigue.
- Some see us and do not care.
- They may question us and who or what we are. I get many of these questioning looks.
- They may initially see us a female, often because they are not really looking at us. But then question or see us as male as they interact with us. Often there is a moment with a surprised look. And then continued interaction.

In essence we are not trying to fool people, but in being who we are and wearing the clothes that we want to wear, we give off enough feminine indicators that others at a quick glance will categorize us as female, male for FTM. Or they may only categorize us as a person, a moving person object. And then if we are wearing clothes similar to that others are wearing where we happen to be at, we do not stick in their minds. They do not do any farther categorizing so to many we are just people in the crowd of their busy life. We are just moving objects they are avoiding and trying to get around and move on just like most people in the general public are for them.

But to those that really look at us and those we interact with most of them know or question, who, what, why we are dressed like that. At least in their minds and through their looks. From my experience most are just passing and going on with their lives. The ones I interact with have been mostly positive, good and just normal interactions. I have had a few negative or marginal reactions or interactions. But I have never had any bad ones.

This is my idea, definition, reality of blending.

KimberlyS-CD
joe in a skirt

[Nikki A.]

To me blending is not always passing. You blend by wearing what is appropriate for the situation ( no evening gowns to the supermarket). It is to me the inappropiate dressing CD that puts us in a bad light. If you're made so be it at least you don't make a spectacle of yourself.

[Nicki B]

Many interesting points here.
Emily Ann mentioned newbies and for newbies "blending" or "passing" is a good goal.

Blending, maybe, but I disagree with the latter.. I think passing - being assumed to be born female - is unrealistic for the vast majority, particularly when starting out. I've said here before, passing is over-rated and driven by fear?

Surely the most important thing we need is acceptance?

[KimberlyS]

... I am now comfortable with the idea that I get "made" but as long as they don't know specifically who I am , I am OK with that.

Shannon, that is a huge goal of mine also. I have a family, wife and younger kids, yet have need to CD. To protect them from any negative from the public I am interacting with, first I do not CD around the small town we live in. And second when I do CD I try to disguise my male identity, but not the fact that I am male. As my wife says, I look and have many male traits when dressed enfemme. Like my walk, carriage, interactions, looks and physical features. But I look a lot like my sister not my male self.

[JoAnnDallas]

I tend to agree with what KimberlyS mostly said. I remember once in my nail salon when I noticed this one GG go wide eye when she saw my tech start putting polish on my toes. Not one GG at my nail salon has said any negitive remarks or comments when I am there. I once asked Tina, my tech, if anyone objected me being there and she said, "No". Many of the SA's I have interacted with have given me that "I know what you are" smile, but that was all the Recognition I received that they read me. There was one time that struck me really fuuny. It was at HEF2006, besides ourselves there was a teachers conference going on. Some of the female teachers purposely strolled by our areas, just to get a look at us. No comments, just smiles and winks. I suppect they were thinking Drag Queens, but I am sure some of them were impressed on how well we looked. One did stop at the info booth and walked off with a pamplet or two.

[KimberlyS]

... While it may make sense to blend in somewhat to soften the "blow", personal self expression is still what it is all about for many of us regardless of the "fallout". In other words, some make no bones about pushing the "envelope" and the purpose for going out dressed varies according to the individual.

I had to read this several times to let it sink in. To me blending is softening the blow of others realizing who we are. It is not the "In Your Face" type of presentation. Like someone said prom dress shopping for groceries.

I also believe one can push the envelope and yet be blending. The "Guy in a Dress" look can be blending if wearing a skirt or skirt and other femme clothes that other GG's would be wearing for the location. Again it is not the in your face presentation.

A guy in a hot pink micro skirt, 5 in heels, DD forms, lace top, hot pink lipstick, no makeup or wig, would be an "in your face presentation" for the grocery store.

While a guy in a knee length jean or casual skirt, casual top, flats, neutral lipstick, no makeup or wig, would be a more blending look.

Just my opinion,

joe in a skirt

[Nicki B]

It is to me the inappropiate dressing CD that puts us in a bad light.

If you see a born female girl wearing, say, fetish gear, does that put all women in a bad light? Or do you just think 'she's going to a party'???

If the only trans people who get noticed are those dress outrageously, then maybe that's how the general public will assume we all are, all the time? :hmmm:


..The "Guy in a Dress" look can be blending if wearing a skirt or skirt and other femme clothes that other GG's would be wearing for the location.

Try wearing pants... :devil:

[Kate Simmons]

A lot of good responses here. Mostly, my motivation for this thread was how we can look fairly decent, enjoy our own comfort level and not necessarily worry about passing. Showing others who may "make" us that we are not a bunch of extreme weirdos, are not really a threat and are just doing our "thing" and not really out to "prove" anything. People simply being people. Those things will help in this regard more than anything else and our own attitudes in this respect will make us or break us it seems.:happy:

[marie354]

I'm just 5-months into full time CDing, but it seems to me that blending is just what I'm doing. At least some of the time, anyway.
I've had many a man hold doors for me and I thank them in my prettiest fem voice I have and they smile.
But blending... Some times I do & sometimes I don't.
Kids, from, let's say about 5, through the teens, seem to notice right away. You'd have to "pass" quite well and even then I'm not sure that they wouldn't spot me.
Most people that I deal with on a day-to-day basis treat me just like any other woman (or person)... Always calling me Ma'am or Miss (ms.). Even the people that know that all my parts aren't female (yet.)
Anyway... Why worry about whether you pass or not?
Just get over the "fear-of-the-fear" and get out there and do it. You'll soon get the respect you desire. Everyone (so far), whether they agree with my lifestyle or not, still give me the respect for what and who I am.
So if that is passing, I'm all for it.
---Nuf-Sed--

~Sandy~

[Joanne f]

You have a good point Salandra, two things that are talked about a lot are wishing that the general public would accept crossdressing and wanting to pass yet in one sense they contradict each other because if you want the general public to accept cross dressers then they have to know about them and get use to them but if everyone passed then cross dressing and cross dressers would not be anything anyone would hear of let alone try and understand , so which would be best in the long run bringing it out in the open more or passing all the time and in one sense keeping it hidden .

joanne

[Emily Ann Brown]

Salandra,

I started months ago keeping a fem photo in my wallet. If the opportunity presents itself I out myself. I had the thought that I needed to be a face for dressers and transgenders, and not the ones on Jerry Springer.

Emily Ann

[KimberlyS]

...Showing others who may "make" us that we are not a bunch of extreme weirdos, are not really a threat and are just doing our "thing" and not really out to "prove" anything. People simply being people. Those things will help in this regard more than anything else and our own attitudes in this respect will make us or break us it seems.:happy:

Salandra, I agree with you. If you go out and can pass and that is who you are, great. But how are you educating the general society as I see few stepping into the media spot light. What most of the general public knows of CD / TG / TS's is what they have seen in the media. Most know what a Drag Queen is and the ones that commit crimes. This is what most people have had to relate all of us TG's to. And there is nothing wrong with being a DQ if that is who you are. Just that is not who all TG's are. Finally, recently there is some more information in the media about TG people. But again most of it is being limited to TS's. It has been mostly good information and again nothing wrong with being TS if that is who you are. Just that the information is showing one narrow part of the TG spectrum. We do not all want an SRS to change our sex. If I limited my knowledge to current media information I would think: born in the wrong body = sex change = trans-gendered = TG. This may, IMHO, quickly become the new thought of what all TG's are without more exposure to educate the general public of the wider specturm. I think the recent TG exposure in the media has been great over all.

But for me, being a part time CDer and more of a "guy in a dress" type of CDer, the public is not seeing our part of the TG spectrum in the media. So for me, I see being out in public and being seen as a CD as one way I can educate those that see me. They can see a decent (IMHO) "guy in a dress" or guy wearing femme clothes presentation. And I am not doing the bold in your face look at me look that they can see me from the other end of the mall and notice due to the attention I am getting. But there are those bold and fetish types of CD/TG's also, just the bold and/or fetish look without interaction can make the general pubic have other generalist assumptions since it is often out of the norm of their thinking. So hopefully those I interact with can get a more first hand knowledge that I am just an average person similar to their self, who likes to wear feminine clothes at times. Hopefully expanding their TS knowledge base and maybe passing it on to others.

Sorry I rambled on. A subject I have talked with many about including my wife. And often a hot button. To me, there is a huge different between being out and about and others knowing you are a guy CD/TG wearing feminine clothes MTF, or a FTM. And being "Out" or "Outed" and others knowing personally who you are.

just an average joe who likes to wear femme clothes at times.

[crusadergirl]

I for one don't like the fact that other cds say you need to blend in. I know i'm not a real girl and i see no reason that i have dress the way everybody else does. The whole point of this is to have fun be yourself. I don't want to spend my money on clothes i wouldn't ever wear. They say dress your age well if thats the case kirra would only be 2 years old and i'm not dressing that young. Sal is right ppl aren't going to accept us if they don't know we are out there. If your new to cding then i would try something pretty basic that gg's wear to you feel your ready to go out wearing what you want.

[Nicki B]

Salandra, I agree with you. If you go out and can pass and that is who you are, great. But how are you educating the general society as I see few stepping into the media spot light. What most of the general public knows of CD / TG / TS's is what they have seen in the media.

Just talk to people? Not a 'sales pitch', but your normal interactions when in shops, filling stations, restaurants, bars with the general public... Surely the worst thing you can do is keep your head down, speak monosyllabically, and/or look guilty?

Put your head up and smile at people - be proud of who you are? :)

[Kate Simmons]

Not on my watch Joanne. Everyone is equal in my book regardless. Besides, I have no room to talk. I used to look like Norman Bates on a bad day.:eek:

[marie354]

I agree with Kirra in the sense that if you are a bit uncomfortable going out in skirts or dresses, then by all means wear pants of whatever.
The weather was warm here when I first came out fully 5 months ago and I started with short-shorts and simple tops at first. Then one day (2 days later) I made up my mind that I was going to dress the way I really wanted. It has been dresses or a skirt & top ever since. The hard part was "the fear of the fear". Once I found that people accepted me for who I am, then it's been smooth sailing.
Anyway, everyone has there own way, or pace that they must stride along their path to get from here to there and in the end it's always your decisions or choices that make you who you are.
~Sandy~

[Kathleen Ann Trees]

Wow, I'm ashamed to say this is the first time I've heard the word blending in this context. Where have I been?

I do want to blend. I want to look good and feel comfortable. At the same time I want those around me to be comfortable too. To cause someone else stress in the name of pursuing my own personal pleasure is rude.

The problem is for those who really can't pull it off. I don't know what the answer is there. Time and trying to be polite and a kind person, I guess. People will warm up to that. They'll never adopt a jerk or a *****.

That's why I think gay couples that downplay their relationship, as opposed to those sucking face in public, do their community a service.

Kathleen Ann

[KimberlyS]

Just talk to people? Not a 'sales pitch', but your normal interactions when in shops, filling stations, restaurants, bars with the general public... Surely the worst thing you can do is keep your head down, speak monosyllabically, and/or look guilty?

Put your head up and smile at people - be proud of who you are? :)

Nicki, I agree. The point I was trying to get across is those that do go out and "Pass", there is no exchange of knowledge or education being done. There is nothing wrong with "passing". It is just if they truly do pass, there is no education via the interaction or of the general public seeing you as a CDer, and the fact it was a good interaction. One does not have to be lecturing about who you are and why. Just the fact the interaction went well, and now they have a different view of who a CD / TG is. In general people are more able to accept what they can see, know information about and relate to in some way.

An example may be you were purchasing a top from an SA at your local store. You both make the normal small talk. Half way through the transaction they finally take the time to really look at you while they are waiting for you to get out your money. They pause and get a surprised look. You continue as if nothing is wrong handing them your money and they finish the transaction, bag and hand you your top saying thank you for shopping here. You say thank you and move on. There is no big deal or issue on either side, everything went smoothly. But now since they knew you were a guy in femme clothes they have a new experience to base future interaction or discussions with other people they know about the situation. If you are a passing CD/TG you were just like another GG making a purchase. A great feeling to do it. And a goal for many.

[slamddoger]

it is safter to blending in . so you dont fine your salf in bad place

[sterling12]

I get the felling that some would like a two tier system, if you pass then it is OK for you to go out and represent the Cd/Tg community if you don`t pass then stay at home where you belong .

joanne

Well, I for one don't forsee a two-tier system. Lots of the people I know in My Groups don't pass, and will never pass. It doesn't matter, that's the point. We shouldn't have to ALWAYS be perfect with our presentation and we are never going to reach a point where 100% of CD's "pass" 100% of the time.

Someone said earlier, that they had a right to dress as they pleased. Yes, you certainly do! But, you are also being selfish and hedonistic when you decide to do this. You are not being empathetic or considerate, about your "Sista's," who are trying to work for a change in The Public's Perception of Trans People.

Trust me, if we ever get most of the people out there to be more tolerant, it will involve "blending," and dressing in an appropriate manner. In fact, they are one and the same thing. Somebody said that GG's could dress inappropriately and get away with it, and we should be able to do the same. But, the point is, they don't get away with it! If a GG decides to dress like a hooker and goes shopping in Walmart... it will be noticed, and it will be commented upon. Call it "The Fashion Police," but a lot of people do notice inappropriate clothing, or makeup, or strange affectations. You want to have a snake tattoo on your face, wear 6 inch stiletto's and fishnets, with your see-through micro-mini, that's your business. But, don't be surprised when people now perceive everyone who is CD, to be some kind of freak on The Springer Show. That's NOT "blending," and it will never be accepted as "the norm," for Trans People. Save that sort of stuff for your Club Soirées!

Self Expression is a wonderful thing.....within limits. Just Try to have a little consideration of others, when your doing it. I repeat what I originally said, "You don't have to Pass, but it would be nice if you tried to Blend." And, we thank you!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Kate Simmons]

I don't really think it's that big of a deal. I have to look at this scenerio. Just because a friend of mine doesn't "pass" as well or "blend" as well as I do maybe, would I refuse to walk with them or be seen with them because it makes me look "bad"? While that is somewhat of a personal decision, I would have to say no. They are my friend after all and I'll stick by them, good, bad or indifferent. A situation like that will determine what we are really trying to accomplish and literally separates the "women" from the "girls" in my opinion.

Given the fact that we are really neither women or girls and are really guys with the penchant for dressing in alternative clothing, it comes as no shock(to me anyway) that we are "made" quite often whether people or SA's say anything or not. Whether we believe we pulled it off or not is immaterial, it's what others come away from the encounter with that counts. Our manner and bearing and attitude will quite often mostly dictate the outcome. If those things were positive and left a good impression, I would say:"mission accomplished", how well we "passed" or "blended" notwithstanding and that is how we will finally be accepted. As people being just people. Works for me.:happy: