How Did Cross Dressing Influence Your Choice Of Spouse?

[melissacd]

Being that I am in a very reflective state as I start this new journey away from my ex and on to new adventures I am deeply contemplating what it was that led me to my ex and how it is that I can find my way to someone who is a better partner for me.

To that end I have considered what it was that led me to her and why it ultimately did not work. There are a number of things that I realize were the attracting qualities. I met my ex at the place where I worked and shortly after I was dumped by my first wife for another man. I was devastated and went through a very black period in my life that led to suicidal thoughts.

Along comes my ex, she is an ultra feminine woman. Because it was an office environment in the 80s she wore a lot of wonderful office style outfits, soft business blouses, office skirts, skirt suits, high heels...all things that are a part of my own personal cross dressing fetish for lack of a better term. I was immediately drawn to her because of what she wore. She was also a very motherly sort of person and I guess at that point in my life I needed that. We started off as friends with no intent of anything more than that, but one magical day when out with a group of people that all changed.

She loved my attentiveness and romantic spirit and I loved her girlie-ness and take charge attitude. Over time we decided to move in together and build a life. When I look back on all of this I realize that we had many fun times together, raising her kids and raising our kids, however, I also realize that for the most part we did not have any real common ground, very few shared interests and hobbies. I feel that we stayed together all those 25 years because of complacency, because it was easier than leaving, because we had kids...In the last couple of years as the cross dressing became an issue it really highlighted the lack of common ground. When I asked her to work through all of this and she said that she couldn't I asked her about unconditional love and she said there is no such thing as unconditional love.

Thinking about all of this made me wonder about what it was that created this relationship in the first place and I had the OMG moment of realizing that the last 25 years of my life were based on projecting my cross dressing desires onto her. Since I was too afraid and ashamed of my cross dressing tendencies I lived them vicariously through her.

For the first 15 years I did not cross dressing and I was very proud of that control. Suddenly the need to dress woke up and I started doing this in hiding. I always wondered what triggered that after so many years and in thinking back I believe that it was because there was a point in her life when she stopped dressing so girlie and I believe it may have been around that time. I am wondering if there is a connection here.

Anyway, shortly after that I was almost caught and so I fessed up, the decline started there and ended in the breakup last Feb and my moving out this month.

So it seems to me that the basis of this relationship was in effect driven by the fact that because I did not have the courage to be me, that in effect through tranference I built a whole long term relationship out of fulfilling an unfulfilled need.

The realization of this makes me cry sometimes because it was such a waste. In that same 25 years, had I had confidence in myself and accepted my cross dressing side and looked for a partner who was a partner in the truest sense then I could have had 25 years of building a relationship that could have lasted a lifetime. Instead I allowed my inability to be me, to recognize who I was, to direct very important choices that have ended in a great deal of pain for my ex, my children, my step children, my mother, my mother in law, my siblings ... and myself ... all deeply affected by a choice that I made so many years ago based on, in my opinion, my cross dressing desires.

My question to all of you is have you been equally driven to make choices in romantic partners based on this side of who you are rather than based on real common ground.

Huggs
Melissa

[laura.lapinski]

Very sad to read about your breakup after such a long marriage. Your introspective analysis is very profound. I'm sure a lot of what you say about why you picked your first wife is true. I think I know why I picked my wife, but you opened up a whole new area to explore and ponder. Whatever the reasons, I would never want her to know about CD because I am satisfied with what I have now, and any fantasy is not worth all the hurt you had to suffer (I'm not negatively judgeing you). I understand you didn't want to break up, but I hope I don't ever have to deal with what you have had to go through. You are true to yourself, and a brave sole, and I respect that. I wish you the best. Your post is great.

Laura

[Bobby Anne]

Not one bit!

[melissacd]

Thanks for your replies so far. For me I realize that this is somewhat of a true confessions, a connecting with what went wrong and why and quite frankly I realize a shallowness in my choice of partner of which I am deeply saddened and not proud. I guess at some point there has to be a reckoning with yourself and this too is a part of this great experiment called our life.

I am hoping that by facing these demons head on that I will be able to sort this out in my mind so that I can one day make that connection with that special someone and have that deep relationship that we all long for and that will last the rest of my lifetime. For now I reflect and inspect and try to understand so that I can then move forward towards a better and more joyful life. I also have to sort this out so that I can be a better father than I feel that I have been over these past couple of years of tremendous struggle with my ex in our relationship or lack thereof.

I also realize that there are many of you who do have accepting spouses who are members of this board so while an open and honest response would be wonderful in the learning process, I also understand that there are some things that perhaps should be left unsaid.

For me this is the grand reckoning, the pushing aside of all of the bull that I have layered on my life to fool myself about who I really am so that I can get to that place of being the authentic me. This is all part of the Big Femme Experiment, after all why go through all of this if you are not going to learn from it.

As Socrates said many many years ago ... "An unexamined life is not worth living".

Huggs
Melissa

[AmandaM]

Been there. But, with a girlfriend who outed me to my friends. After that, I made sure that I told "all" my girlfriends that seemed like keepers. If they were freaked, it was over. If they weren't sure, I gave them a little more time. If they said "so, what". Well, I married her.

[LizSummers]

I was lucky enough to marry a friend who knew all about it beforehand :) I don't foresee it ever becoming a problem :) She's half-begging me to buy a wig and breastforms!! :D

[MonicaDD]

I was dressing befor I met my wife, and the choice was I made a better looking girl than she did and she was jelious, and with that I was divorced, but in a way I do choose my partners in relation to my dressing, I am a man only at my work, and as soon as Im in the front door Im in my panties and I live as a woman, and I now only date men,very generous men who really,really aprieciate the fact that I make a beautiful girl, so that is my choice now. Sorry, what was the question?

[sissystephanie]

I was dressing long before I was married. I knew my bride-to-be since we were young children and was in love with her then. I told her about my CD activities before I asked her to marry me and she was very supportive. This support continued all thru our 49+ years of marriage. I lost her to cancer nearly three years ago. I guess maybe dressing did have some influence, although I think I would have married her any way, if she would have me. I do believe in completely honest and open communication between husband and wife, including prior to the marriage. If you don't tell your lady, you are marrying under false pretenses! That is not a good way to start a marriage off, or to keep it going. BTW, I currently have a very darling "Sweetheart" who also knows and is supportive of Stephanie.:love: I used quotes because although she is a very live GG whon I have met in person, she is the Sweetheart of my dreams only because she is married and also lives in another country. I do respect the vows of marriage!!

Sissy/Stephanie

Looking like a girl, but there is a man under the lace!

[Eugenie]

X-dressing didn't influence my choice of SO

In fact I thought that my x-dressing would disapear when I would have a regular sex life. My earlier x-dressing was indeed a lot more sexualy oriented than it is now...

I've often said that my SO and I have what is called an "Open mariage". So if I was to look for a relationship now, X-dressing would definitely influence my choice of partner. Actually there were cases when I would have loved to have an intimate relation with a woman but I didn't as I was afraid she would not accept my x-dressing... I chose friendship over sexual relation...

:hugs:
Eugenie

[Angie G]

No Melissa when I met my wife she was 16 and I was 19 and on a break form dressing Not planed I just didn't dress for some time. Well it was love at first site this year it will be 40 years married and still very much in love. Dressing played no part of it :hugs:
Angie

[theresa]

Yes, I've made similar choices which I've come to regret later. Each person seemed the right one at the moment, but hindsight is always 20/20. I don't believe that our need to crossdress is the entire reason for failure of relationships. There are other issues at play such as jealousy and insecurity. Regardless, I believe that each person that we allow to come into our lives play an important part in our own personal development, painful as it may be. We learn something from each relationship and take what we learn about ourselves and others to the next one. It seems to me that you grew in each of your relationships and are coming very very close to the full realization of who you are and where you want to be. I'm certain you will soon find the right person to complement the real "you".

[Suzy Harrison]

It didn't have any influence for me...

However I once went out with a girl only because she used to wear black lacy stockings all of the time - and I used to have a thing about those !

[Kate Simmons]

Actually, no. I fell in love with my wife the way a man falls in love with a woman and the CDing really had nothing to do with it. It was always my intention to be to her the man she married. I think my own flawed thinking came into play, however, when I tried to convince myself the feelings for dressing would go away by being married. We know that doesn't really happen and even with three children it didn't happen for me. There is always a driving need to express those feelings.

I think my biggest mistake was that we never got to know each other as people that well other than as husband and wife. It seemed that everything was about the children and centered around the family which is as it should be, still we were missing the real each other.

After the last child came along our interests drifted, not fidelity wise but common goal wise. When the children were grown and ready to leave we basically had nothing in common. What did not help was society's general assumption of what a man does. I felt like I had no support really and I was clueless of what being a husband and father was all about and was basically "winging it". There is the saying when things get tough:"Be a man". I had no idea what that meant, I was just myself. Everyone but myself was convinced I was a good man, husband and father and I personally had other feelings I needed to be in touch with and that needed to be addressed. She did not understand it and could not and would not help me with this, so I was on my own.

So, to answer your question, no. My crossdressing had nothing to do with my choice of my spouse. In fact, my intentions were exactly the opposite. I felt that by being married to such a fine woman, I would no longer have the need to do it.:happy:

[Laurie909]

She was an anorectic and I was a crossdresser. We each thought the other was crazy. In other words: It was a perfect match.

[Vicky_Scot]

No influence what so ever.

Sorry to be a bore.

Xx Vicky xX

[Lilith Moon]

Hmm...I'm not aware of conciously selecting my wife for CD reasons...but we do happen to be the same size and height...I wonder :straightface:

[annekathleen]

No influence what so ever.

But on the humorous side,
It is nice if she's the same size, so you can fit into all of her clothes.
:heehee:

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

From my perspective...

In finding the S/O I have now the only real particular regarding choice was that the future woman in my life needed to be open-minded. Having found one that is into the whole Renaissance/Reenactor thing was an added plus as we get to enjoy so many MORE things together :)

I wasn't dressing at all when I met my second wife, but once it started, her view of who I was changed in a way that she was unable to reconcile. We were on our way out marriage-wise anyway, but that was more fuel for the fire so to speak.

This kinda hails back to the "Why DO you hide it?" thread I had started a couple months ago.

*hugs* (and thank you for sharing your life with us Melissa)

Zara

[Littlej10]

Thanks for starting this thread it has stirred a little introspection on my part. I was crazy about cycling at the time and wanted children, we met through the cycling club we both joined so no CD influence and etc. for the next 40 years. Not much CDing for most of the time and it has only been since our two children left home that my CD side has developed and now I am retired has become a much more serious part of my personality. Unfortunately my wife's attitude means the closet is still in place - perhaps I should have chosen differently but we have had a lot of fun and still do.

[MaidInCan]

Honey I am deeply in sympathy with you. Your story is so similar to mine. I was a cd before I met my wife. When we got married she did not know about my dressing but after a year she found two suitcases in which I had all my things, several hundred dollars worth. I told her the truth but she didn't react the way I thought, she looked disappointed but not angry but she took it out another way-she through out all my femme clothes. I guess that hit home-I felt that loss for a long time but over the next 20 years I did not dress. Six years ago when we were divorced (not because of the cd ,BTW) I had the urge again and have been reestablishing my desire and wardrobe. I guess we have to be who we are and live accordingly. Life does move on. So, please keep smiling and good luck with your femme life-hope you find happiness
:hugs:

[Diane Paris]

First, I am so sorry to hear of your failed relationship. I am also very impressed with how you are digging deep to understand yourself better. This will surely help you find greater happiness in the future.

Yes, my cross dressing was very important to my decision to propose to my wife, however, only in a related way. Let me explain.

First, my strong cross dressing needs had nothing to do with the fact that my wife was and still is the most attractive woman I have ever known. From the instant I first saw her, I knew she was someone special to me. It was love at first sight.

Secondly, I knew that we were highly compatible in so many important ways before I revealed to her that I was a CD'er. We shared common values about life, religion, relationships, money, career, family and life goals. I knew that I was incredibly attracted to her emotionally and sexually and that we fulfilled each other. Lastly, since we were both coming out of failed marriages, we knew that our future relationship had to be built on honestly and full acceptance if it were to succeed. That was the most important lesson learned for both of us.

So, while being a cross dresser had nothing to do with my wish to spend the rest of my life with this woman, I never would have proposed marriage unless I knew that she would accept me...all of me, as I was.

From the experience of my failed first marriage, where the CD part of me was a major barrier (not the only reason) to happiness, I knew that I would never be really happy unless I could live in a marriage where I could be myself, and be truly accepted by my wife as a man's man who had a strong and evolving femme persona.

I'm one of the lucky ones. My wife has always been accepting and helpful to "Diane", even though we had challenging times in the evolution of "Diane" along the way. I suppose that our life together stands as a good example of what can happen when honesty, unselfish love, and common values are the foundation for a marriage.

After all of these years (30+) together with my bride, I strongly believe that the greatest respect and act of love that a male cross dresser can demonstrate to the woman he loves is to reveal his CD needs to her in advance of the marriage.

You are off to a great start to find happiness for the rest of your life. You are asking the right questions of yourself. Good luck and please let us know how things progress.

Diane

[insearchofme]

My wife and I met when we were 18. At that time I wasn't dressing at all. I did some in my early teens but "got over it". It resurfaced about 5 years after we married. I've never told her since I figured she never "signed up" for this and after over 30 years of marriage I know she'd freak out.

If, God forbid, anything happens to us and I'm ever single again that would be the first thing I'd tell a woman I was interested in.

[Barbara G]

I was one of us who hoped/believed that marriage would weaken or do away with my desire to cross dress.

As most of you in my situation know, it didn't.

[Deborah Jane]

I was one of us who hoped/believed that marriage would weaken or do away with my desire to cross dress.

As most of you in my situation know, it didn't.

Same here..On both counts.

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

I really don't think it had any influence but your thread did get me thinking about it. At the time we got together I was fighting my desire to crossdress and my wife is very strong and I probably hoped she could control my desires. She has succeeded in keeping me in the closet for years since without her I would have gone full time a long time ago.

[melissacd]

Thank you all for your wonderful replies. An important thing to note about this relationship is that while it was founded on things that were influenced by my cross dressing leanings and in as much as we really did not have a lot of common interests, that being said there were good times over the years and we did get along with each other. I did love her, I still love her, I guess , in spite of all of the issues around the relationship and her rejecting my cross dressing side. We are still civil and friendly towards each other so that part is all good. I think that the point I was trying to get at is that my choice was based on my "unacknowledged" cross dressing leanings.

If I had been true to myself and my femme side I probably still would have had cross dressing as an influencing factor more along the lines of making sure that my partner was okay with that side of who I am and ending the relationship at the beginning if they were not. The difference this time is that cross dressing while being an important factor would be equal to the importance of all other areas where couples need to be compatible so that they form a happy and joyful partnership.

Cross dressing and one's level of need in that area is an important aspect of what needs to be recognized for things to work, once past that the rest can be worked through like any normal couple.

It has been a hard learned but valuable lesson in life.

Huggs
Melissa

[KandisTX]

In my later relationships after my first failed marriage ((I'm currently on #4)), I made a point to be open and honest from the beginning about my dressing. While this has cost me some relationships in the past, it has also eliminated my falling head over heels for someone and then have them turn away from me when they found out about Kandis. My current wife ((GlitterGG on this site)), has known about Kandis since we met some 12 years ago, and we are preparing to celebrate our 6th wedding anniversary in March. While I won't say that my CDing has been a great influence on my choice of SO, it has been a way for me to avoid possible heartache in the past.

Kandis:love:

[Tee]

I was one of us who hoped/believed that marriage would weaken or do away with my desire to cross dress.

As most of you in my situation know, it didn't.

yep yep! i thought so too!! first when a relationship starts, or when sex comes in, then marriage. it all never bring an end to my CDing emotions.
in fact, i was outed before marriage, went for theraphy, and the CD feelings went away, and frankly i was happy it went away.
after 1 yr of marriage, a CDing storm swept over me, and i was frank with her that i am overwhelm by the emotions...especially after dropping some many hints.
after months of anger, she have accepted it to a certain extent.

our relationships are based on a lot of other common activities and way of living, and dreams that CD is hardly the main issue when she is angry with me.
i think she is more often angry at me for other issues, like my parents... than my CDing activities.
i do love her for being accepting and understanding.
deep down, when i look at our photos and the life around us, its definitely more than the fact she accepts my CDing.

[brandi lynn]

It didn't. It was love at first sight. About 2 weeks into marrage I felt I had to tell her. So one night I went to the bedroom earlier than her, sliped into one of her night gowns and let her see me. We had several long discusions after, and her doing some research on crossdressing her conclusion was your still the person I love no matter how you are dressed. Needless to say that was 25 years ago and still dressing.:love:

[switcheralso]

I just told her about a year ago. I wrote a letter to her. It played no part in my dating of her.

[Glenda]

My wife divorced me after 23 years. I had not yet discovered crossdressing so it obviously had no influence on her choice to leave me. The sad fact is that I loved her more than she loved me. It's not that she didn't love me. She did. Just not enough for me to remain her husband. Our world is like that now. Most marriages end in divorce and crossdressing is hardly ever the reason. For those of us who get divorced, please don't carry the guilt that your crossdressing is the primary reason. In a very small percentage of cases it may be. In most it won't.

Will crossdressing influence my choice of a partner? Absolutely! Since recognizing this side of me I cannot imagine entering a relationship in which I was not free to be me. If I had what I thought was a strong marriage and it disintegrated with someone that I was totally open and honest with and loved more than anything, then how on earth could the next one succeed if I am not open, honest and even more determined to understand and appreciate my mate?

Every one knows of my crossdressing. I don't have a friend (not the people I work with) that doesn't know. And I have a lot of friends.

So, if this is an integral part of who you are, then by all means share it with your next. Good luck Melissa.