Your SO or Wife ???? [Archive] - Crossdressers.com - #1 Community & Forum for Crossdressers, Family and Friends

mtnbikercd

01-31-2008, 08:59 PM

I know how you feel. My wife and I would get into arguments when I would bring it up. I was bringing it up at the wrong time(usually when we haven't had sex in a long time). Now that we have sex on a regular basis, she doesn't mind me dressing up on occasion. Are you in female mode more than the male mode? Do you talk about it to her alot or just every once in awhile? Maybe she is concerned that you want to be a female all of the time.

Good Luck.

Angie G

01-31-2008, 09:05 PM

She is a woman who knows what thay think at any given time.:hugs:
Angie

Echo Logical

01-31-2008, 10:48 PM

She is a woman who knows what thay think at any given time.:hugs:
Angie

I guess I am surprised, I imagined that people trying to explore and express their feminine side would also try to have a bit more empathy with the female psychology.

she may have grown and changed over time. She may have had some revelation where she now sees your CD'ing as an obstacle to the relationship you have with her. Maybe she is suddenly feeling like she has to compete to be the female of the house.

As we all know, CD'ing is multi-faceted. Is it so surprising that one day someone might see aspects they feel are positive, and another day focus on aspects they feel are negative?

She may have many reasons for behaving this way, and the best way to find out what those reasons are, is to ask her. Calmly and with compassion, ask her.

Billijo49504

01-31-2008, 11:01 PM

Let me Echo what Echo said, Maybe you are pushing too fast or too much. And remember, when you two go shopping, make sure she gets more than you do. You might have more need, but she has the say so whether you can play gurl. So pleeze humor her....BJ
ps. It works for me..

SandyR

01-31-2008, 11:15 PM

It might be a moody thingy......

SandyR

01-31-2008, 11:24 PM

probably because you over did the femme thing so much she is getting sick of it . and she needs a break ..

Love_My_Panties

01-31-2008, 11:31 PM

I would have to say in my O/P it may be for several reasons. Were you honest with her from the start about your cross dressing or did it just come up? Also the part about over doing it fem wise is a very valid point. Women in general don't like or rather detest competeting for a man especially their own and especially if that other woman is their husband. I had a g/f who told me she used to get silly jeleous because I had better legs then she did and looked hotter then she did when I really went all out. I resolved this by telling her she was being ridicluous and we both work on her dressing hottoer and sexier. She laughed and said she never thought she would see the day when it would take her boyfriend to help become sexier and more femineine by sharing his femine side.
This is an issue you need to resolve with your wife because if she's throwing it at you during an argument it means she truley resents you doing it. Does she ever throw anything in your face that she's happy with you doing? Think about it.

Joann0830

01-31-2008, 11:44 PM

:2c: May I make a suggestion and sit down in male mode and ask her calmy whats is really bothering her. Try not to be defensive but understanding, we meaning you and me, have felt this way for many years and I know for myself that when I felt this at 5 and now at 59 and still feeling this its hard to really make someone understand what we are really going through. Some woman see it as threat and some are comfortable as they see you as a more understanding person being in touch with your female being. I understand that you and all of us enjoy the female side of us but understand Your wife did not grow up with this feeling and may have never ever thought that she would be faced with a male who is very much intouch with his femeinine side, she should explain to you whats going on so you will better understand her feelings. Making love in male mode is maybe something she wants more of to show her that you are still attracted to her and that she is attractive, when was the last time that you told her she was or showed it. We all want someone to tell us that, whether its me Joe or Joann. I miss my wife and remember her telling me I look good in either as a male or female, I know that its difficult for you but it is difficult for her as when you told her back when maybe she did not see the long range effects that this would have on your marriage. I am like you I had a undersatnding wife and lost her in 2001 and trying to find someone understanding is so difficult for me now. I am here for you anytime Joann0830:love:

Sallee

02-01-2008, 12:55 AM

what a question. It has happened at my house to My SO use to participate go to group meetings even buy me clothing. But the novelty wore off Now she does want to talk about it and me being a wimp doesn't bring it up. She does put up with my dressing which I keep at a minimum but it bothers me that I have to be some what in the closet
I do understand her feelings some what "how would you feel if your Wife or girl friend wanted to put a fake mustache on Sat night and go out to a show with you. or even just hang out." It would get old especially if you didn't understand and cloths to you were just coverings to keep you warm and decent? Any way good luck on it

bobbi sue

02-01-2008, 01:17 AM

dear lostone just like the other sisters have said stay calm and talk to her getting angry or mad will only make matters worse stay strong lots of:hugs:

il.dso

02-01-2008, 07:50 AM

I can offer my support. I don't have any concrete advice since I'm dealing with similiar issues. I'm afraid to talk about my crossdressing. I feel like my wife is already stressed out enough and she doesn't really want to talk about it. I've been honest in the past but am mostly back in the closet again. It's tough finding a balance and it's complicated.
Please accept my best wishes.

Sandra

02-01-2008, 09:14 AM

StacyCD

02-01-2008, 10:13 AM

My SO is 'accepting' of my dressing as long as it's done out of sight. So in some ways, I'm still in the closet--it's just a bigger closet! The fact that your SO has seen you dressed and not run for the hills means that you have someone that you need to talk to (are really listen to as well). Even if the result is that you get to dress less or you come to some different kind of agreement--at least you are together and still talking! Don't give up, there are a lot of crossedressers out there who have kept this from their SOs and are really hoping that it works out for you!!

Ema1234 GG

02-01-2008, 10:39 AM

Have you bothered to ask her why?

I'll second that...

And if you really want a good answer on here perhaps a little more detail could help. :rolleyes:

KandisTX

02-01-2008, 11:34 AM

I'm sure this has been talked about before.....

My wife know and has participated in many nights of fun and now it really bothers her. To the point that she even slams with with it if we get in an arguement.

WHY!!!

There are a number of factors to look at. How often? (Is this an every available second/minute thing or is it occasionally). How far taken? Fully Dressed? Partially Dressed? Beyond Bizarre? She may be feeling as if the dressing is more important to you than other things that SHOULD be more important. Ask her questions and LISTEN to her answers.

Kandis:love:

Nicki B

02-01-2008, 11:39 AM

I'll second that...

And if you really want a good answer on here perhaps a little more detail could help. :rolleyes:

:yt: .

lostone

02-01-2008, 07:20 PM

Wow ! thanks everyone. You all had so many nice things to say and it so good to her positive things about what is going on. I will try and tell you how things came about in a quick time line.....

She found my hinding place for my clothes and I came home to find the bag of stuff sitting on the couch and a very upset person wanting answers and crying. After much debate on if I was gay or attracted to men etc, she calmed down and I threw it all away....Dang i miss that stuff....

I explained that i only like the feel of silky stockings and women nightgowns, and that shoes were just somehow part of it. Well this got put on hold for a couple of years and was never brought up.

One night we were drinking and watching movies together and she was trying on makeup, just playing around. I came out and said when are you gonna do my face, she said come over and I'll do it, well after she did me up she went and got some stocking, shoes and a nightgown for me and said come out when you are done, I'm gonna put something on for you too.

HOLY COW, it was my dream come true! Well we made love, I mentioned how great the stockings felt and stuff and we did that a couple of nights. I would want to sleep in it and she didnt understand that but let me do it.

Well I think I pushed the issue a couple of times to many, she bought me some new clothes and than all of a sudden she didnt even want to talk about it. All she says now is that it discusts her and that she hates seeing me in it. She says i can do what I want but not to bring it up to her.

Now anytime we argue or fight she throws it in my face and threatens to tell my friends and both families.

ok sorry it was so long but i hope it helps

Thanks girls:love:

HalloweenDragon

02-01-2008, 07:58 PM

I have tried to understand women, but because I am a man it is imposible. We can RELATE, but not fully comprehend them. I love them so much I call myself a lesbian trapped in a mans body! :2c:

One time my love said I was lucky for her tolerance with my crossdresing. I replied "You think you are the only one that can love me for who and what I am? You wern't the first and you might not be the last with THAT attitude!"
If she was the 1st, then stay confident she WON'T be the last. After my reply, she apologized and realized love means you accept them for how they are with all their faults (and possible starngeness) included.:hugs:

My sons mom was totally different. She let me know she was uncomfortable, but thought I looked hot at times. She preferred I left the CDing for my "alone" time. Yelling and arguing destroyed that relationship, but in the end she never ridiculed me for my fetish. It was never even considered the reason for the break, however she still wants some of the stuff she gave me (they are MY sexy clothes now and thats that!):tongueout

The original female that got me to CD never said a negative word to me about it, but because of how we ended everything, I'm almost confident anyone that would listen to her now knows I dress in drag. At least they have kept any rude comments to themselves... so far.:heehee:

lostone

02-03-2008, 08:55 AM

wow that is really interesting, i wish i could say tht to her

I have tried to understand women, but because I am a man it is imposible. We can RELATE, but not fully comprehend them. I love them so much I call myself a lesbian trapped in a mans body! :2c:

One time my love said I was lucky for her tolerance with my crossdresing. I replied "You think you are the only one that can love me for who and what I am? You wern't the first and you might not be the last with THAT attitude!"
If she was the 1st, then stay confident she WON'T be the last. After my reply, she apologized and realized love means you accept them for how they are with all their faults (and possible starngeness) included.:hugs:

My sons mom was totally different. She let me know she was uncomfortable, but thought I looked hot at times. She preferred I left the CDing for my "alone" time. Yelling and arguing destroyed that relationship, but in the end she never ridiculed me for my fetish. It was never even considered the reason for the break, however she still wants some of the stuff she gave me (they are MY sexy clothes now and thats that!):tongueout

The original female that got me to CD never said a negative word to me about it, but because of how we ended everything, I'm almost confident anyone that would listen to her now knows I dress in drag. At least they have kept any rude comments to themselves... so far.:heehee:

switcheralso

02-03-2008, 09:31 AM

Your wife has the right to husbands as men, the men we married, men who maintain a positive, healthy masculinity while "exploring their femininity" and seek neither to evade responsibilites nor to appropriate our own feminine roles.

We have the right to honest and open communication with our spouses, with negotiation and compromise on both sides, particularly in regard to acceptable outlets for crossgender expression and in matters pertaining to telling our children.

Ema1234 GG

02-03-2008, 04:56 PM

Well I think I pushed the issue a couple of times to many

That's your answer. She was willing to give a little and you took too much. I think it's a common problem.

Right now, she's got the barriers well and truely up. Atleast she's accepting that you can do it on your own, she just doesn't want to be involved. That's a lot more than some SO's are willing to give.

In all honesty, she might never be comfortable with it. Perhaps she was trying for your sake but realised she couldn't do it.

I'd suggest you forget all about the crossdressing when she's around for now, focus on her. Treat her like a lady and give her some special nights that are just about her. Once you've made her feel special again, perhaps she'll surprise you with a special night. You never know.

Amy Hepker

02-03-2008, 05:03 PM

Hi,

Sorry to say that is what happens, I have been through 2 marriages and that is how they both started and they both ended. It is fun for a while, but when they find out you really like it they want you to quite and they don't enjoy it anymore. You are not the MAN they wanted. I am sorry to say it is down hill from here. You can try to stop, but would you really be happy??? You can try, I have many times as most of us here, but we are back again and again. About all you can do is do everything you can for her, but that's just a temporary fix and sooner or later she will probably leave you, unless she really LOVES you. Sometimes marriage is just a way Females have to be one up on the other girls in their lives and when realitity sets in and everything is not the way they want, it's over.

GOOD LUCK and GOD BLESS!!!

Sandra

02-03-2008, 05:06 PM

Well it sounds as though you've got a big hill to climb, maybe if you hadn't pushed and went at her pace then she might have been ok with it.

Ema1234 GG

02-03-2008, 05:13 PM

Sometimes marriage is just a way Females have to be one up on the other girls in their lives and when realitity sets in and everything is not the way they want, it's over.

Complete and utter twaddle and I'm actually insulted for all of female kind. :rolleyes:

Tamara Croft

02-03-2008, 05:50 PM

Dragster

02-03-2008, 07:12 PM

Complete and utter twaddle and I'm actually insulted for all of female kind. :rolleyes:

I'm with you Ema1234 GG. If that represents Amy's attitude to his wives, no wonder he's been through 2 marriages already!

Tony

Mercedes

02-04-2008, 01:00 AM

Lostone, you are not alone and many marriages fit your pattern. I told my wife prior to getting marriage and she still went through with it. Having said that she is merely tolerant and will never reach acceptance. She has known for 18 years. Therefore we have had to address crossdressing as such:

1. Communication
2. Understanding
3. Negotiation

Simply put, my crossdressing had to be discussed (for better or worse) so that we could understand what was going on inside each others head. We also understood that the rest of our life together outside of the crossdressing was everything we wanted and needed (well almost) so we made some ground rules on what was acceptable for each other.

In or marraige we have agreed that I can dress up at night once a week after the kids go to bed and where lingere to bed three times a week. Do I want more? Sometimes. Does my wife want less? always. But that is our agreement and if we both adhere to it we really can not use it against one another, and we don't. This has worked for us for about 5 years after going through some difficult times.

I hope you and your SO can work it out. Good Luck.

Mercedes XOXOXO