How to (actually) tell her

[susiej]

Girls,

I came home from work a couple weeks ago and found my wife of nearly thirty years packing a suitcase. Seems she's off to Florida to meet a high school sweetheart (she hadn't seen since the '70s, until recently). They've been secretly e-mailing, and have already had a fling together a few months ago, when I thought she was visiting her sister. She wants a separation, and probably a divorce. I'm OK with that, as our marriage of late has been quite dispassionate.

Funny, I always thought that if our marriage ever broke up, it would be because she caught me en femme; she would have most certainly freaked out over it. I had the scene virtually staged and videotaped in my head. But, it didn't happen. I've often wondered if she secretly "knows", but I'm now convinced she doesn't, because she would have confronted me with it now.

We're having an "amicable" split, talking together about her boyfriend and editing my profile on match.com. I have my first date with someone else next weekend, which brings me to the big question:

How do you tell your new potential lady of your feminine side? I mean, how do you actually go about it? There have been threads about *when* (e.g. first date, second, first time you sleep together, etc.) but I can't find anything about *how*. I never expected to find myself in this position, but now that it's happened I'm determined to end up happily matched with a woman who appreciates Susie as well as what's-his-name, my male self.

Somehow, I just can't picture myself bringing the subject up, like over coffee at a restaurant. "Well, Nancy, it's been a really fun evening. Want to come over to my apartment and see my collection of cocktail dresses?" -bzzzzzt- "Well, Nancy, it looks like we are the same bra size." -bzzzzzt- "Well, Nancy, I think I'm falling for you big time, and I want to tell you a little secret. I like to wear girls' clothes. -BZZZZZZT!!!

Those of you who have successfully surmounted this hurdle, and have lady friends who tolerate, or better still, indulge your feminine side -- tell us how you did it. How did you cross the threshold, and introduce the notion?

Hugs,
Susie

[Amy Lynn3]

I'm sure you will get some good advise soon, but if I were you I don't think I would tell anybody about anything just yet. Until the divorce is final the wife would never know I dated anyone and it might be too soon to get serious about another lady. I'm just saying....go slow and keep a low profile until the dust settles.

[Ressie]

I've always been terrible at this. I usually make the mistake of explaining crossdressing as a problem I have. That doesn't work! I think it's different with different personality types. You have to know the person well enough to trust them and that takes time. I once had a girlfriend that told me she was bi early in the relationship. It was easy to tell her about my desires and she's the only one that ever shared it with me. That was way back when.

If you wait too long you may end up stuck in another relationship that isn't what you're looking for. You have a goal worth pursuing, keep that goal in mind and it will happen.

[Genifer Teal]

I don't know about the wife situation. I'd put it in my profile so they know up front. The whole purpose of a personal add is to get to the point. You want to find someone who is compatible. There is no point juicing up a story to have them eventually leran otherwise. Don't you truely want to find a match? I'd say something like "Blah Blah Blah Blah guy, with a softer side." Let them ask what it means. Then you can explain it from a positive perspective. You have probabaly read enough stories here from both sides of the fence. Which side do you want to be on?

Gen

EDIT: Look at my avatar. I know which side of the fence I want to be on. LOL:D

[celtic.blue.eyes]

First of all, I certainly wouldn't tell too soon. If the chemistry isn't there, and any kind of future isn't likely, why out yourself. If after a few dates things are looking good, it's time to spill the beans.
So now the question of how. You could try educating yourself on the many aspects of feminine fashion and the terminology. For instance, do you know the difference between a knit and a georgette, or a pencil skirt and an A-line? These are things 99.9% of guys don't know. The opportunities to expound on your knowledge are infinite. The question of how you know all this will definitely come up, and you are on your way!

[MJ]

I am sorry this is happening to you. but please take time to adjust to your new environment . don't rush in to another mess .

and if i were you i would be totally up front and honest from the get go .. this way there are no surprises later ..
try to think about this from her point of view ..you may have the dressing as a woman down pat .. but try thinking like a woman ..thats the key ..do you relay want to hurt another woman buy not telling her up front
i wish you well but don't rush in head first
:hugs:

[Sandra]

It is no good getting serious in a relationship then deciding to tell her your a cder, she will most likely be upset because you've not told her and may find that she can't trust you. Be upfront with her from the start have as much info as you can get hold of.

[yms]

Hi


To me, it seems a matter of someone accepting the idea of crossdressing in general (telling her up front) but not necessarily in you, versus accepting you personally as a crossdresser.

I told Lori after we had been together for about a year and we had talked about possibly getting married.

She's written a couple of things about her experience with this here:

http://www.yvonnesplace.net/partners/partners.htm

[Jan W]

Dear Susie,

I would tell her I couldn't wait to get into her pants.

Should do the trick!


Jan

[Marla151]

What about watching a movie together or even discussing a movie that has a cross dresser or transgender scene or something (like Daywatch or Hairspray (ie John Travolta plays a women) or the crying game (maybe not a great choice), or Tootsie, etc..) and using that as a stage to talk about it. You could see her reaction about cross dressers or trans gendered people without having to expose yourself outright at first or bring it up in some awkward way out of the blue. You may be able to tell from that if you want to broach the subject further and let her know (ie. she thinks it's sexy), or if you don't want to pursue the relationship any further because she had a bad reaction about men who cross dress. Either way I wouldn't wait too long or it will only make it harder. Also the longer you wait the more it appear you were being deceitful all along.

[Marla151]

Dear Susie,

I would tell her I couldn't wait to get into her pants.

Should do the trick!


Jan


:rofl: Thats a good one.

[Petra1]

When I told my now wife, it wasn't something that was planned. We got back to my place after a date one night. I had gotten to the point where I wanted to share Petra with her. So, while she was in the washroom, I went in my bedroom and changed. We took it from there. She laughed, thought it was kind of fun and exciting.

Now, she tolerates it, but I think she'd prefer I didn't. So, I don't dress in front of her much anymore.

[Nicole Erin]

Like Petra said.

Sometimes the woman is cool with it at first but then has a problem later.
So if you do tell her and she is alright, don't assume it will always be that way.

However, at least it is out on the table at that point.

For how to explain this to a new lover, I have no idea. I THINK it might help if she has gay friends and some experience with GLBT folks. She is probably more likely to be open.

[Kimberleighann]

I think you need to find out how open minded some one is before you try to talk to them about it. If they are not open minded then move on. The other thing that I think makes a big difference is how you look when dressed. My wife told me a long time ago that she does not have a problem with me dressing because I am pass able. We go out as girl friends all the time. Some people are not pass able and I think that some women worry that some one will find out. My wife loves to use me like a big dress up doll. I dress more fem then her most of the time. But I think that would change if I looked different.

Goodluck,

KimberleighAnn.

[Jodie Wexler]

I told my girlfriend, now wife, after hiding it from her for ten years before we got married. It was the main reason I did not ask her to get married earlier but like others I did not want to lose her because of my CDing.

In hindsight keeping the secret or lying to her was a terrible thing to put her through, it had more of a negative effect than the actual dressing part. "I feel like you cheated on me for everyday we went out" was one of the things she said to me on the night I told. We worked through it and now have been married 15 years.

I would tell anyone you date as soon as possible. That first lie is like a tumor, it keeps growing and growing to the point it can destroy a relationship that is otherwise healthy. Best remove it early, before it claims you as a victim.
Jodie

[annekathleen]

I dont think that the topic of "crossdressing" is an appropriate topic for a first date, unless that first date is with another crossdresser!:hugs:

[MsToriJones]

from the GG world I would say, put it in your profile. I would want to know this when I am deciding if I want to contact someone or not.

[Magickman]

This is a recurring theme. How will I tell her? What if she finds out? What will she think and do? Is it possible to be a CD and find dates?

The undercurrent of all these situations is the culture of fear. Fear of being found out, embarrassed, criticized, and rejected.

Wake up call. Dressing up is not evil. Not wrong. Not something to be ashamed of.

It is possible to face this issue head on. Not to duck and weave. Not to hide and deceive.

People say I have a surplus of chutzpah, but here is what I do:

I keep no secrets, tell no lies. At social events, and on dates, it is my normal habit to dress in freestyle fashion. Painted nails, lip gloss, earrings, skirts and tights, short shorts, capris, or girl jeans, and high heels. Whatever I like.

Obviously, not everyone likes my clothing choices. But that is not important.
My choices are to please myself, and no one else. If there is no disguise or deception, then there is no anxiety and no fear.

It is greatly liberating to be yourself, without trepidation.

[Carroll]

I told my wife on our first date. Because she did not remember, I actually told her twice! Both times she was receptive of it. The second time, however is when I got my first wig and the pink cloud ensued, which resulting in serious limitations until a few years ago. (But thats another story)

[Jodi]

Get yourself a really good lawyer now. There is no such thing as an amicable divorce once the lawyers get involved.

Jodi

[VtVicky]

Susie,

If you have been married for 30 years, and were surprised when your wife decided to leave you, discussions of CDing with a potential date are years away. You have a lot of immediate problems regarding dating that should take precedents.

If you focus on CDing as you re-enter the dating scene, there is a very good chance that how to tell someone will not be a problem, because there is a very good chance you wont get close enough to anyone to bring the subject up.

Focus on getting your life back together. CDing as a part of a well rounded life is far more palatable to a potential SO than if CDing is the main interest in your life.

[Jilmac]

Susie, I met my new SO in October '07. We both revealed what we thought was our worst history (and everybody has some sort of history). We accepted each other, history and all. After the first time we became intimate, I told her that I had more to tell her about my "dark side". She asked me what could be worse than what I had already told her. I asked her if she had ever seen Tootsie and she said yes. Then I told her that I dress the same way and guess what, she didn't head for the hills. She became curious and asked me more about it. I told her about my lifetime of crossdressing, how I started, how it progressed, and how I finally started going out en femme. So far she's ok with it but she's not ready to see me as Jill. She's still taking baby steps to total acceptance. On the night before my birthday she told me that she wanted me to make love to her in lingerie :cheer: It can only get better from there. Luv and :hugs: Jill

[Brianna1]

Conveniently, as I was reading these postings, my ex came online...my CDing was not an issue in the breakup...so I asked her if I hadn't told her upfront what would her take on that have been later and she said that she would have viewed me as less trustworthy.All the women in my life (other than my first ex) know the complete me and are accepting of it. Guess what? -the first ex wasn't told up front and still can't get her head around it 16 years since we had anything to do with each other. Go figure...:)

[jessielee]

dear Susie,
i can't add any wisdom to the good advice above, like slowing down, recentering, being upfront tactfully, wanting to get into her pants, lol, good one Jan!
but i feel we are gifted.
we have received a vision, perhaps second sight.
a lease on a new life.
those who only see us as deviants and having a problem may not be approachable, at this time.
i wish you success in finding kindred spirits,
and sharing this grand adventure for what it is, free of shame and explanations.
me, too.
all my best,
jessie

[Sandi jo]

I have to agree here, slow down and take a good look at everything in your life

[nikki47]

Hi Susie,
I wouldn't stress yourself about when to tell her,just get to know her and then if you find she's the one,then will be the time to think of how to aproach the subject.
I once told a gf practically straight away and she was ok with it,even making me up,but we split after six months and as we worked together everyday was so stressful,wondering if she would tell anyone,everytime i saw her talking or laughing with others,i would get so paranoid.i'm glad to say i never heard that she told anyone and i respect her for that.
Anyway with my wife it just progressed,i took a big interest in what clothes she bought and gave her my opinion on her makeup.She said it was the first time any boyfriends had shown an interest in that way.It took me eighteen months to tell her,she was okay with it,but even now she's more nervous than me when i'm dressed during the day,worrying if we would have visitors.
When we had a family 20 yrs ago,i hardly dressed in front of her,i respected her wishes and also i didn't want to confuse my son's,but now there all grown and independent,i'm back to being what i want to be.

So good luck Susie enjoy your date and i'm sure everything will work out.

Nikki

[amber 07]

I had dated my current SO for over a year before I told her of my CDing. I wrote her an email that I had something we had to talk about the next time we met. She thought I wanted to break-up with her, which was the farthest thing from the truth. I hadn't been able to admit my feelings about CDing and myself, since I was very confused about it also.

When the night arrived we sat at the kitchen table and I could see the fear and apprehension in her eyes for what I was about to tell her. I was as straight forward as possible when I told her of my deepest and darkest feelings about my CDing. Tears came to her eyes and she said, "is that all, I thought you were going to break up with me". We laughed, cried and talked well into many nights about "Amber" and our feelings about the 3rd person in our relationship. She has accepted my other half and embraced her with all the enthusiasm I had always hoped for. All 3 of us are the best of friends, lovers, and companions now, and never a day goes by that she mentions how much she loves both of us.

My only advice is don't wait too long before introducing a prespective partner to your other half. As someone mentioned, find a good movie with CD's in it and discuss both your feelings about it as a way to find out how she reacts to it. There is a great movie, can't remember its name, with Patrick Swayzee, Wesly Snipes and John Legumo(sp). Also, "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert" is another good one. Good luck on your search for a life-mate. Hugs, Amber

[JenniferR771]

There is another way. Always wear panties. Then when the situations gets intimate--it will come up in conversation. When she asks questions--there is an opening to explain it all. If she freaks out--you can pretend it is just the silkiness of the panties that attracts you, and go home early.

Ture I never had the guts to do this myself. Maybe that is why Janice is so strongly disapproveing.

[Mary Morgan]

I'd say that you put something in your Match.com profile. You might be very surprised at all the interest you will get. Just be careful either way.

[Bonnie D]

My viewpoint is to put it in your profile. This way you will not be wasting her time or yours and for anyone who replies you will know right off that she is fine with it. The percentages of meeting someone will be greatly reduced but this will give you time to adjust to your new life on your own, plus the legal situation. However, if someone responses right away then you will know she is someone special and there will be a good chance she will help you with your lifestyle adjustments.

Bonnie

[Tree GG]

...In hindsight keeping the secret or lying to her was a terrible thing to put her through, it had more of a negative effect than the actual dressing part. "I feel like you cheated on me for everyday we went out" was one of the things she said to me on the night I told. We worked through it and now have been married 15 years.

I would tell anyone you date as soon as possible. ...

Please listen to Jodie and those that have advised in kind. So many just don't seem to get it. Is it they can't appreciate how it feels to be so intimately deceived? Do they just not have any respect for another person's feelings and needs? Is it because they are really just cold, callous peeps (I resisted saying men :devil:) that just cannot put themselves in someone else's shoes? Is it because they believe they are free to use people for their own ends with no consideration?

Look at the many replies in this thread that use manipulation techniques, "testing the waters" techniques, communicating in obscure ways to find out something, once you sleep with her. I'm deeply disheartened by the lack of honesty, respect, caring and empathy displayed here. I know for a fact all CDs (all men for that matter) are NOT that way, but the proportion in this thread is frightening.

Since the original thread refers to his male self as "that-other-guy". I'd say advertising and introducing yourself should be the femme version since you give it the most importance. Just be direct, honest and respectful. You'd be amazed how positively woman (people in general) respond.