Intrinsic value of dressing

[Kate Simmons]

On the surface at least, crossdressing seems to be mostly external with the focus on appearance, how well we pass, how well we blend, how pretty we look, how good we feel, etc. We've been accused of being exhibitionists with a weird fetish by others who do not understand. We seem to be willing to put up with the stares, the sideways glances, the hushed whispers and the sometimes outright confrontations of others because of who we are and the price that may have to be paid with regard to our loved ones, our reputation and our crediblity as a man. Top that off with doing this for years and being on a seeming treadmill of put it on, go out, take it off, repeat. Is it worth it? So it would seem for most of us but who in their right mind would put up with all of this unless there was something other than the obvious physical satisfaction to be gained? I think there is.

While there is something to be said about the look and feel of the clothing (and that is how many of us start), it sometimes develops into something deeper and that is what happened with myself. I knew I was seeking something but didn't know what and that confused the hell out of me. I was tired of the endless dressing cycle and the resultant purging which never seemed to work. I kept coming back to this as if I was incomplete as a person and would get no rest really until I found my answer.

What I finally realized was that I needed to be in touch with my deeper feelings. I was pretty fragmented and had developed two "personas". One was my male self who followed through on what guys are supposed to do. The other one was my idea of what I thought was the "epitome" of femininity. I was suckerd in by the thinking that the twain should never "meet" as I, like many others was the victim of society programming as to how the two sexes should "act". I finally realized it was all so much hogwash.

So, what did I do about it? I slowly developed my femme persona, allowing myself to be all I could be. I had to experience all of the feelings in a real way to bring them out. (I will add that this was not without a price. I lost my family because of it but the alternative was being stuck in an endless loop.) Once that was accomplished and I had the feeling of total freedom to be who I wanted to be, I began to amalgamate my male and female feelings under one umbrella, one aegis and that is who I am today. No longer am I afraid or ashamed of demonstrating my feelings when I present as Rich as if by doing so, someone would think "less" of me as a man. Neither is Sal an ultra feminine type who is afraid to act a little masculine sometimes. All in all, I'm always the same person no matter what I look like and do not feel compelled to act a certain way in the least.

That is the intrinsic value of dressing for me and it helped me to find out who I really was as a person. I do not have to necessarily dress any more but still do it sometimes to enjoy my freedom of expression. The difference is that it is totally my choice to do so and no longer a mysterious driving compulsion. The reins are mine and I take the carriage in whatever direction I choose to go.:happy:

[Celeste]

Good post to wake up on.I like how you express yourself.Especially in the end with the "freedom of expression".Thanks for helping in the realization that this does not have to be a confusing endeavor.If any of your post were publicized in a magazine or paper,they sure would go a long way toward enlightening the general public.

[erickka]

Sal, your expressions are always a breath of fresh air. I am always intrigued in the way you state your points. Please keep up the tradition, it is always a good read. Thanks, Erickka.

[Eugenie]

Great post Salandra.

Your experience over the years and the evolution of your personality is quite interesting as even though we are all different, there are many comon aspects that we face in various degrees as X-dressers.

I find your post with all the expression of deep feelings extremely moving. Many of us face similar difficulties in life but very few of us, including myself, have the strength to take the decisions that we should take and as a result are facing various dillemas...

Thanks again for this intimate sharing of personal feelings.

:hugs:
Eugenie

[KeriB]

Hi Salandra... great post from you and from what I've seen, I'd add as always! What you describe is essentially where I am now, trying to sort through the whys of things and at the same time just giving in and going with the flow, realizing that Selene is indeed an inherent part of "me."

Will I ever get the courage to take the next step I think I really want to do? Can't answer that now and not sure of what the future holds. But it's certainly wonderful to be able to sop in here and share some thoughtful conversation, get great advice, and simply be accepted for what I am as a person... !

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

Truly awesome post, Salandra.

You are someone that I would love to meet someday,

*hugs*

Zara

[Kate Simmons]

Y'know, sitting here reflecting on all of this tonight, I've come to the conclusion that this is who I was meant to be no matter what. Years ago I seriously contemplated transition before I met my wife. I was always somewhat of a tomboy though and can't really imagine life as a girly girl. I may just have arrived at where I am now a bit sooner that's all, regardless of the physical equipment. Funny how things work out sometimes.:happy:

[secretlypsycho]

All in all, I'm always the same person no matter what I look like and do not feel compelled to act a certain way in the least.

That is the intrinsic value of dressing for me and it helped me to find out who I really was as a person. I do not have to necessarily dress any more but still do it sometimes to enjoy my freedom of expression. The difference is that it is totally my choice to do so and no longer a mysterious driving compulsion. The reins are mine and I take the carriage in whatever direction I choose to go.:happy:


I may only have been a member here a short time, but I must say that I very much enjoy reading your posts... they are always so well thought out and well written, and make a lot of sense into the bargain!

Interestingly enough, this is one of my struggles, as a GG, with the whole crossdressing thing - the whole separation of personalities, being one person while dressed and another when not (even though, or maybe in part because, that doesn't apply to my husband). It seems to me that you've got it right, and the fact that you are comfortable with who you are is very clear - and certainly a lot healthier than the whole "split personality" thing!!

:hugs:

[deja true]

Sal, as you know, I'm usually something of a long-winded commenter, but this original entry of yours is so thought-provoking that I want to let it run around inside my head for a while.

respect (lots) & love

deja

[JacquiUKTV]

That is the intrinsic value of dressing for me and it helped me to find out who I really was as a person. I do not have to necessarily dress any more but still do it sometimes to enjoy my freedom of expression. The difference is that it is totally my choice to do so and no longer a mysterious driving compulsion. The reins are mine and I take the carriage in whatever direction I choose to go.:happy:

Nicely put Salandra.

[bimini1]

..is the looking back over it thru the years and the realization of how it has changed and not changed. The stages it goes thru if you will. When I was younger and first reached out to older CDers, they would tell me the older you get it will begin to "fit" into your life. You won't be ruled by it but will begin to have a respect for, and a control of it.

Back then I could not even imagine a day coming when I would have the say so as to when and where "she" would appear. But as time wore on sure enuf, I began to find balance. The she is always there, but as time has gone on the need to dress and actualize it has become less and less. But it was not an intellectual decision on my part, it just kind of 'happened' without me realizing it.

Outside of society's obvious disdain for it, we are truly beautiful people, the vangard of true male liberation. And it is occuring to me more and more, why shouldn't we exist. We quite obviously SHOULD exist. When you have that much of a gulf between to two genders, its ony probable that some of the one will be curious about what it is to be the other. Am I making any sense? It should be looked at as a natural occurence. But it is not.

[docrobbysherry]

Not everyone has it, and those that do, don't always share it. Thank u for sharing with us. The road you've travelled is very interesting for me in particular. As a fairly recent CD, but one experienced in life in other ways, I KNOW my urges, desires, etc. will change. In some ways, they already have since my CDing began.

I used to have TS fantasies also, and actually tried to enlarge my breasts with pills and creams and suction.
I have known for awhile now, that my future will NOT be as a TS. My female side is not strong enough.

Even as I travel thru the COMPULSIVE stage of dressing, that u described, I know that will change as well. Maybe it already is. I'm too close to tell!

Eventually, Sherry will appear less and less often. And whatever female side I have, will make peace with Robert. I know it will happen, sometimes I think I imagine what that will feel like. Like a butterfly emerging from the scraggly worm.

Your posts r like a prescient view of my future. Or, at least, a goal for me to aim for. Thank u again for sharing!
RS

[Kate Simmons]

I never discuss every detail of every thing I've done RS. I've done some pretty crazy stuff during my journey, many like the things you describe here. While I thought I had some kind of "sacred" crusade to eliminate my guy side, I realized just how much nonsense that really was. I had to step back and look at things realistically and saw that doing that, even if I succeeded would accomplish absolutely nothing because I would simply be exchanging one set of behaviors for another and would in essense still be trapped by society's programming.

One day I saw the old U.S. Army commercial on TV which said:"Be all you can be." That kind of clicked with me and I realized I would indeed be selling myself short if I eliminated any part of myself. That is when I really started getting to know the real me and pulling things together under one roof. My feelings now complement rather than work against one another and I've taken ownership and responsibility. I've found it's the only real way to be myself because in all honesty, I'm the toughest person I have to live with.:happy:

[Jazzmine]

Salandra, like a good red wine - you are getting better with age!
A very fine post. You clarified for me some thoughts about myself. I have never felt like I was two people or had a split personality. And I don't feel I need to dress up to be me - but it's jolly good fun when I do!

Most importantly, you reinforce the notion that we do not need to leave behind our male when we dress up as a woman. Because our male is our female and vice versa.
You nicely remind us that we can just get on with "being".

Have a pretty day!
Hugs Jazzmine

[JessieB]

The last paragraph of your opening post really resonated with me. Many is the time I have tried to explain to an inquirer (usually sitting in a gay bar talking to gay guys) why I dress by saying "I'm just me, and this is part of who I am, an important part of me".

But that part of your post about losing your family in order to live this thing out -- whoa. That's a big price to pay, a really big price. I'm not judging you or anyone else, but I don't know if I could or should sacrifice other people's hearts for the sake of my own self-expression.

[Kate Simmons]

I wasn't just about self expression Jessie, it was about who I was as a person, my core being. Believe me, I tried my best to work things out but there were a lot of things going against me, not the least of which was religion.

On the surface at least, everything looked fine but , then again, I've always been good at masking my true feelings for the sake of others. You eventually get to a point, however, at least I did, where that no longer works and you really have to make a decision, in this case heart rending, in no way did I take it lightly. I started therapy with the idea that I could change but it was evident after awhile I was not a whole person and never would be unless I resolved this once and for all.

I, myself, had no dysphoria over this, I knew who I was and it made me happy. It was everyone else who could not and would not try to understand. Even so, I did not throw it in their faces and say:"Take it or leave it." Their false belief was that a husband, father and provider would be lost which was not the case at all. I always fulfilled my family obligations and always would. It's a tough choice though when it gets down to the wire and you are told by those you love you have to make it or else. Really, how effective would I be as half a person if I attempted to exorcise this vital part of myself? Kind of like having a part of your brain removed and then being expected to act normally and that would not really fly.

In any case, what is done is done and it cannot be changed and crying about it is pointless. What remains now is continuing to move forward and utilizing this experience and knowledge to my advantage and possibly help others. Life is what we make it really.:happy:

[Littlej10]

Another superb and thought provoking post Sal.
As we get older I have observed that we all get a little more emotional and, if we are wise about it, become more comfortable with expressing and accepting our emotions. This seems to be true for some of my "straight" friends too. Perhaps age allows us all to realise who we are and be more comfortable with it. Still the dressing goes on.

[Tree GG]

Thanks for sharing that Salandra. You state, "...All in all, I'm always the same person no matter what I look like and do not feel compelled to act a certain way in the least..."

I think that's very important. Maybe a key factor in transness. Most non-TGs never feel overwhelmingly pressured to restrict their behaviors based on gender. Male or female. Some of us are fortunate to get to the state you describe in this quote; some are born gifted with it; others never find the switch to trigger it.

Maybe CDing is a TG person's trigger. For whatever reason, they believe they "can't" do/be/feel because it is just not acceptable for their gender. (Not talking clothes here) While to the non-TG rest of us, gender is a function of biology - a condition of is. We may behave predominantly a programmed way, but feel no shame or restriction to move out of that role when the mood strikes. Gender holds no power.

That line of thought could go many directions....and as usual, may not apply 100% but is an interesting notion.

[Marla]

As an older person, I am amazed at your insights, because they reflect all in my own thoughts. I do believe that it takes a good number of years to understand why we do anything that we do.
40 years ago I hid, purged, denied and lost my first wife because of my passion for dressing. I am definitely a better person though for knowing my feminine side and understanding that gender is a matter of feelings, not just a matter of appearance.
When Im Marla I can see so much more than when Im Marv, and that gives me a better view of the world. God bless you and us all. Marla

[Kate Simmons]

What you say has merit Tree. I'm no Einstein but I do read a lot about this stuff. My original rhetorical question regarding life is:"Just how does a lump of protoplasm and a bunch of chemicals become a person?" It has a lot to do with DNA but there is much more to it. What really activates the physical? Without becoming too esoteric, I believe there is a "nexus" in the mind/brain connection wherin the spiritual meets the physical.

I also believe that neurons and neural pathways can be re-configured and be activated when, as you say, something triggers them. This happens mostly unconsciously as our senses take in data and we learn. We can however change a behavior if we so wish, such as stopping smoking or going on a diet to lose weight. In theory then, we can change who we are and our outlooks on things despite bodily processes and genetic pre-determination and in the case of some folks not seeing reflected in the mirror who they feel they are inside. That makes who they really are no less real and they will change conditions to the extent of their ability to become that real person.

It's not as hard as it sounds really and just the simple act of taking ownership of ourselves accomplishes a great deal more than we realize. Unfortunately many folks allow the will of others and ambient conditions to dictate their actions and tend to follow the majority. That is the two edged sword of being a social animal as human beings are.:happy:

[Ruth]

Thank you Salandra. You are very articulate when you write about our condition. I recognise much of my own journey in what you have written, though you express it far better than I can.
Your words are a great help and comfort to me.
Love,
Ruth