Been Fooling Myself!!!

[Felix]

Hi Guys and Ladies if ya in here. Well been foolin myself since the split with my ex which was last August. Carried on and carried on like nothing was happening until finally two weeks ago I snapped, had enough and decided I needed time out. I took three days off work to think things through and then went to the docs she put me off for two weeks said I was readjusting to everything that has been happening to me, the above and years of victimization in my workplace, plus how my parents have felt for me since i first came out six years ago as lesbian. They are still ashamed off me and that has made big scares :sad: I have had time to try and pull myself up plenty of walks taking time for me sorting things out and all that kind of thing. I went back to the docs yesterday and was totally honest about how I felt consequently she has put me off for 4 weeks and on meds. Its the right thing and hopefully my appointment will come through for some gender councelling. Anyways thats all for now my friends xx Felix :hugs:

[Emily Ann Brown]

Hun,

breaking up with someone is really a major event whether we want to admit to it or not......then add in gender type issues and you have a deadly cocktail. Glad you are getting some help and trying to sort out all the pieces.

Emily Ann

[Ann D Bluebird]

Sorry to hear of your trouble Felix, but sounds like you've taken some good steps up out of the rough spot, hope they work out well for you.
Keep on walking (metaphorically and literally) the great outdoors is quite a good counsellor as well, I find
... the only way is up!
:winking:

[Tamara Croft]

I think you need a vacation, seriously, not just time out from work, I really think you need to get away, clear your head and take a good hard look at your life and where YOU want to go next. It's not up to your doctor, it's up to you... you need to be firm with her/him? and get into the counselling that you need.

You also need to really get this issue at work sorted out, you say it's been going on for years, I'm sorry hun to say this, but you are letting it happen, you CAN put a stop to it by reporting this idiot. Everyone in the work place has rights, and yours are being violated. There is such a thing as a lawyer, you need to put a stop to this, how much more crap in your life are you going to take from people? You need to start facing up to reality, your parents have hurt you deeply, there is nothing you can do to change them, you know that, we've talked about this before. You're own life, you can change, but you need to want it bad enough, if you don't, people will constantly walk over you, is this how you want to live hun?

[Felix]

Than ladies :hugs::hugs:

Hi Tam well I have reported it several times and its been sorted several times. This time it had gone beyond a joke so I did get the opportunity I needed cos of a new boss who knew nothing and was fresh to the situation. She has been reprimanded but when he leaves I am worried that she will do it again. I will log everything this time and then she better watch out cos If I need to I will go formal. As for my mum I know that may never change but it still hurts. As for the doctor I chose to stay off work she asked me what I felt and I was really truthful with her I said I am not ready to go back to work yet I am too up an down and the job is extremely demanding and I need to be strong for that. I feel I have took the first few steps in facing up to things and I keep standing up to my ex who thinks i will do what ever she wants even though she treated me like shit!!! I won't she wanted rid of me to go with her tart well she has it and she can stop coming back to me every time she needs something.
I've faced up to my gender issues and asked to see someone, my GP said that was a big step! Now I've been honest with myself and admitted I'm depressed first step to recovery in any department. xx Felix :hugs:

[Tamara Croft]

Good, tell your ex that and make sure you do... and I hope the door doesn't smack her too hard upside the head on her way out. You do need to be strong, but you also need to move on. I know you're hurting with your parents, you've been hurting a long time, but things aren't going to change with them and you know it and you need to start accepting that. We can't change people, but we can learn to accept them for who they are, warts 'n' all... One step at a time is what you need to do, fix one problem then fix the next... I think everything has built up over time and now you're ready to explode... meds won't fix it, you can though, take your life back and control it, people don't control you, only you control yourself.

Make a list of what you need to accomplish this year and maybe reward yourself each time you accomplish these things. As hard as it might be, you will get there, even if I have to :kickbutt: you have all of us here to help you :hugs:

[Felix]

Hun I'm well aware meds won't fix it but they will help a little. I didn't do this lightly accepting that I needed a little help took a lot and Im not ashamed of it. Only I can do that and thats exactly what I'm tryin to do with a little help. The only way is up now but its not going to happen over night and I know that. Oh well dunno what else to say to convince you that I am making an effort here to sort my life out!!!! Felix :(

[Tamara Croft]

Hun, you don't need to convince me of anything, I'm just getting you to open up more, which you are doing no? I'm here to support you, advise you, help you, you don't have to convince me of anything, I believe you :hugs: But I do think you should make yourself a to do list?

[dancinginthedark]

Felix first of all a big hug & :thumbsup: for being so brave and strong. It takes a lot of courage to take that first step, admitting to yourself you aren't doing so hot and could use some help, maybe even med's. I recently had to do the same, so I know how scary it is, but at the same time a big relieve to have it out in the open finally. I'm proud of you lil' bro. :hugs:

Yup it sucks knowing your loved ones don't accept you for who you are. Hurts like h*ll and leaves you feeling bewildered and alone somehow too. Even when you tell yourself it's not you or your fault it's a hard road to walk. I'm sorry your Mum is missing on knowing you hun. And sorrier still your ex didn't see you for who you are, and that she didn't value you as you should be valued.

It's gonna get better babe. Hang in there and hold your head high you're one hellva' guy.

hugs,
Mae

[Sandra]

Felix you've made a start to get yourself sorted, time off work etc I know how it must be because I'm going through it with some one myself.

As for family and ex well it's their loss for not accepting you being you, from what I've seen on here you're commpassionate, caring and will help anyone if you can and they're gonna miss all of that.

Like Mae said it will get better, at this time it may not look like it but it will and don't forget we're all here for you.

:hugs:

[ZenFrost]

Felix, I really hope you get things sorted out. :hugs:

[Felix]

Hi Tam sorry if I seemed to get my back up, I didn't mean to I know ya only mean well :hugs: Thanx and I do appreciate your advice. I kinda know what I've gotta do but it will be a slow process. Its all in my head and most of it is on this forum Lol!! So thanx again sweets :hugs:

Hi Mae so nice to hear from you it's been a long time Hun :happy: Ya said it like I needed to hear it as did Sandra so thanx. I think what I miss so very much is not having someone there who can hold me and hug me when I'm feeling bad. I feel this road is lonely and its a good job I got my friends on the boards and here otherwise I would in a worse state. It's like I got this permanent ache in my heart and can't get rid of it. Like there's a part of me missing. I know this is all part of the grieving process which I ignored and didn't deal with and now I am dealing with it full on. Plus all the other stuff thats hanging around. I've been here before when I lost my kids in the residence battle difference was I had a wonderful woman by my side helping me through. Thats why I feel so empty and alone. But I know that from this I will grow stronger as a person cos as I did before I have to reassess my life and move forward cos thats the only way and I have already started to do that. Some steps big some small. All these things happen for a reason I accept that now. Thanx again my friends xx Felix :hugs::hugs:

[Felix]

Zen my friend thanx for all your support over the last several months you have been brick xx Felix :hugs:

[mylitta]

Felix- been wondering how you are doing. I'm glad you are taking time off work.. getting over this sort of thing takes time. Been in a similar situation myself, and all I can say is try anything that's offered, and decide for yourself what is effective, we are all different and what works for one doesn't for another. It takes time- more than I realised at first, don't rush back to work. If I can help in any way, don't hesitate to ask.

[Felix]

Thanx Mylitta its very sweet of you Hun :hugs::hugs: I'm not so bad I have my up days and down days but guess thats to be expected sorry haven't been around to answer but my son is visiting while he is off school and he has been using the net lol. xx Felix :hugs:

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Felix

I'm sorry I'm so late here, and I'm sorry that you're having probs. You just hang in there, and I sure do hope things get better for you real soon. :hugs::hugs:

Karen Starlene :star:

[keaton]

Hey Felix, sorry to be chiming in late but just wanted to say that altho' I feel your pain about being abandoned by the biological family you were given, and I know our situations vary, I want you to know that Shakespeare said it best. "To thine own self be true":thumbsup: That is how you will be happiest. You have the right as an adult to live your life how you choose....as long as you don't step on others (which you aren't).:hugs::hugs: I admire you greatly.:love:

[Felix]

Thanx Keaton Hun :hugs::hugs: Thats really nice and very sweet xx Felix :hugs:

[sandra-leigh]

Now I've been honest with myself and admitted I'm depressed first step to recovery in any department.

It took me close to a year of severe non-functioning to get to the point of being able to realize I was depressed. For that year, I was so bad that I couldn't think straight enough to realize what was going on, so of course I didn't go for the treatment I needed. It wasn't until I, bored one day, happened to read a newspaper advertisement looking for people with depression for a clinical study; the ad said that if you had 3 or more of the (dozen) symptoms then you might be depressed -- and I had 11 of the dozen and some more major symptoms besides.

But until I'd survived through that year, I wasn't ready to process the idea of depression, and so it wasn't until I started feeling a little better that I could address treatment.

(Oddly, my very worst time was after I started feeling better: you have to be able to think clearly enough to concentrate on something in order to get really hung up on your thinking!)

So yeah! Realizing you are depressed is a very important step.

[Felix]

Thanx Tess I really appreciate you comments as I know you realized exactly what I meant. It was scary admitting I'm depressed cos I know having nursed depressed people what these sorts of labels set off in other peoples minds. I keep thinking must get my head back into going to work but I just can't. It's poo the way I feel but it's just how I feel. I'm getting less bothered to do anything which isn't good. My son was here all last week so it meant I had to do stuff and I did cos I love him and he was with me which is everything :happy: Now he's gone I just feel poo again :sad: can't even be bothered to go for a walk which I was doing in the first couple of weeks I was off. All I wanna do is eat crap which is for comfort so I'm not cos then the weight will pile on and then I will hate myself. So to stop that at least happening I am not eating crap from today, ate enough of that while my son was here lol! I hate how I feel it all absorbing and so soul destroying but I'm sure you know what I mean. Thanx again Hun xx Felix :hugs:

[sandra-leigh]

It's poo the way I feel but it's just how I feel. I'm getting less bothered to do anything which isn't good. [...] I hate how I feel it all absorbing and so soul destroying but I'm sure you know what I mean.

Been there, done that, got a whole series of medications, got "constructively dismissed" from the work I was doing... :mad: In my case, it was combined with fairly bad panic attacks. Even just last fall (after a few years of treatment), I couldn't take the mass of dirty dishes and put them in the dishwasher -- so simple a thing, but when I forced myself to start, I felt like running away. It has to be experienced to be understood; if I hadn't experienced it myself, I'm sure I'd be amongst those who would say "What the heck is so hard about moving a few dishes a few feet from the counter to the machine???". "all absorbing" and "soul destroying" is all too accurate.

My crossdressing was quite important in keeping me going: it was one of the few things that I could manage to plan (more or less) and get out, and my mind would clear up while I was doing it. Better by far than the medications.

And I could always play on the computer, reading the forums and answering technical questions related to my work... sometimes those would be about all that I could manage to do in a day. Safe and neutral. But when I was feeling worse, one of the last things I wanted to do was to talk about how I was feeling... It was easier by far to stick to abstracts that didn't involve me.

[Felix]

Tess :hugs::hugs: I can really relate to this earlier today I phoned a friend at work to say thanx for the gifts her and a colleague had sent me I came off the phone shaking all over like I was having an anxiety attack I felt ridiculous Hun, I'm sure you know what I mean :thumbsup: I don't know whats happenin to me Tess but it scares the hell out of me :eek: I promised myself when all this started last summer, after the split with my partner I wouldn't let it beat me and yet I am struggling but still fighting although it's not at my strongest by far. I can't thank you enough Tess for sharing xx Felix :hugs:

[DanielMacBride]

Hey Felix, hang in there hun...as someone who suffered severe clinical depression, anxiety and panic disorder and PTSD for over 20 years, I know where you are coming from....in My case I was unable to be treated with medications because I am hypersensitive to all psych drugs (they cause many unwanted side effects and do things they are not supposed to do), so I had to do it the hard way (which took Me about 7 years).

You will have good days and bad days hun, but don't ever feel bad about having to get help - that takes courage, and that is one thing I have seen that you have in SPADES. You are tougher than you know, Felix - I see it when I read your posts and read how you think and what you are doing. You are one tough cookie, you just need to remember that and dig deep to find that toughness to help you cope :hugs:

And most of all hang in there because it DOES get better, I promise! One day you will be able to look at all this and go "wow, I have come a long way!" and be proud of what you have accomplished and who you are :) And you know you have everyone here to support you when you need it :)

:hugs:
Daniel

[Felix]

Thanx Daniel for sharing :hugs::hugs: it makes such a difference when people share cos ya don't feel so alone then :happy: Wow you really went through it Hun my problems seem small in comparison. I was talking to a friend last night and the old comparison of people who have cancer and such came up. I said I admire such people and their positive attitudes but for me at the moment all the positive things in my life mean nothing but that is because of my depression not because I don't know they exist. The thing is at first I was ashamed of being depressed 'OMG not me' but now I am not I am embracing it cos it is a reality, it is happening and I have to work through it. I was like I have nursed people with clinical depression and reactive depression and I never once said I understand because by god I didn't but now I do know and I'm glad I do recognize whats going on cos it helps me deal with it and work through it. It would be a lot easier if I wasn't on my own in the house, if I had someone to give me comfort when I feel shit but I haven't so tough I just have to get on with it. So thanx again cos your understanding words are what I need right now and I would do the same for you too my friend xx Felix :hugs::hugs:

[sandra-leigh]

but for me at the moment all the positive things in my life mean nothing but that is because of my depression not because I don't know they exist.

Or as I used to ask myself about every 1 1/2 seconds, "When will I ever be better???" Some people, when they get depressed, feel like their whole life was a waste, a sham, that any happiness they had before was a lie to themselves or other people; I never felt that way, but I did go through some brutal periods where it seemed impossible that I would ever feel better. Not that I couldn't conceive of feeling better someday, but rather that getting from "here" to "there" seemed further away than Winning The Lottery (which Could Happen, if I ever bought tickets). What's the expression -- "When pigs fly!" ? Like having some beautiful/ sexy/ famous person that you've never met announce that they've fallen in love with you, the feeling that you'll be happy again someday fits oh-so-well in that It Ain't Gonna Happen part of your mind. :titanic: It was that, more than anything else, that really got to me: I've had various illnesses before, was "working poor" for awhile, lost some relationships, but I always knew then that This Too Shall Pass. Depression, though, involved a truckload of "This Will Never Pass", and that got me into some bad mental places of "I just want this to be OVER", want it to change, even if it took The Ultimate Change to get out of that mental hell.

(Thankfully, I am much better compared to how I was then!)



The thing is at first I was ashamed of being depressed 'OMG not me' but now I am not I am embracing it cos it is a reality, it is happening and I have to work through it.

I mentioned earlier that I had 11 of the 12 listed symptoms of Clinical Depression. The only one I did not have was Guilt Feelings. Every once in a while my doctor takes a couple of minutes to emphasize that this illness is Not My Fault and is Nothing To Be Ashamed Of, and I gather that darn near everyone who has Depression has loads of both of the corresponding negative sentiments. But I guess I'm pretty uncommon that way, as there is very little I feel guilty about: I do the best I can in life, and there is no point in guilt if you've done the best you can. (What I did feel guilty about was hiding my crossdressing from my wife through little lies and creative misdirections; it was a huge relief to tell her and stop lying to her.) So take my doctor's advice, relayed through Nurse Tess: It's Not Your Fault.

[Felix]

Hi Tess and once again thanx for sharing :hugs: I suppose guilt did start creeping in guilt about all sorts of stuff mainly to do with my children :sad: But now I agree its not my fault which is what people who don't understand like to think. oh ya brought it on ya self cos of this or that. I told my mum no its not that its things that have happened to me that I'm reacting to that's what reactive depression is all about. I wish I could totally erase my ex from my mind but its just not happening she made such a huge impact on my life more than she will ever know and now she has gone the love has gone and there is a huge void in my life. Don't get me wrong I love my children dearly but the love for ya partner is different and special in different ways than that of ya children. Thanx again Tess xx Felix :hugs:

[Charleen]

Aw Felix, wish i was there to give you a hug! I know what you mean about the void. Lost my wife of 30 years over 2 years ago, and I still miss her. You ain't alone there buddy. On the other hand, we have to move on. The past is the past. What we have is today and only today. I've found life is definately too short to live in the past. Either thye good or the bad memories. Yes I'm aware of them, but I can't allow them to own me and keep me wishing that I hadn't done this or that, or why this or that happened up to and including why I had to lose the love of my life.
Yes, she broke your heart. Hurts. Yet it seems she has moved on with her life. You haven't. You and I can wallow in the self pity, and I have occasionally, but it ain't a nice place to live! We have adventures to explore, a life to live, but only if we look ahead and not in the rear view mirror! It takes work and persiverence, but the effort is worth it!
Hang in, Love ya, Lily

[Felix]

Thanx Lilly :hugs: Im not really living in the past its just every now and again I feel those thoughts drift in especially in dreams but I've been told thats just my subconscious sorting things out. Can't help how I feel though it just is and I've had to accept it so I can move forward cos while I was denying my depression I was stuck but now although slow I feel I can move forward and little things I am doing are proving that. Self pity na!! Just angry and bitter but that will pass eventually. I'm trying hard to focus on the good things in my life of which there are plenty but this other emotional stuff is making it difficult but I'm a fighter and I keep plodding on and I'm sure the fog will lift eventually. Thanx for all your support xx Felix :hugs:

[mylitta]

I think you are doing ok Felix- it's hard going and there are unfortunately not short cuts, but you are on the right track.It''s important to acknowledge your feelings, and then you can deal with them- burying them is as you have found just storing up trouble for later. Keep on thinking about the good things, and keep telling yourself this WILL pass, even though it doesn't feel like it will.

[Felix]

Thanx Mylitta Hun :hugs::hugs: Kind but realistic words as always bless ya xx Felix :hugs:

[KrazyKat]

:hugs:Good for you, Felix, for taking the time to stop and reflect. It's a difficult thing to know how to step out of the daily "rat race" and help yourself make choices to elevate yourself to the next plateau of happiness.

Because you deserve it, but only you can do it for yourself!!

Through many painful broken marriages and breakups in my life, I started to think of them as chapters in my book of life. Some are bigger than others, but the beginning of a new chapter can be scary and exciting!!:hugs:
The more you become at peace with yourself, the better your chances are at finding a true loving partnership, one you can grow old with, it does happen!!:love:

[Felix]

Bless ya Kat you are sooooo sweet Hun :hugs: I don't know what the future holds really I'm just taking each day as it comes to be perfectly honest as each one seems to be so different at the moment. Yeah I too look at mt life in terms of chapters and by god they are all colorful in their own way! I still say the happiest were the last six no matter how the end turned out!! Now its time for me and my sons both if the eldest one so chooses, I have to try to keep my mind open on that one! The me bit has to take them into consideration and thats why its a case of each day at a time. I feel like I can't look any further than that. I am very cautious of everything right now but I think that's a good thing and will benefit me in the long term. I'm sure at some point I will take risks again but we will see!! Thanx again Kat my friend xx Felix :hugs:

[KrazyKat]

:hugs:You are so welcome, Felix, I'm happy to support such a great Bro in my life!!

Yes, kids are with us such a short time, and Poof! They are adults and have no time for you, this I know well. My youngest is graduating from High School and off to college, where did the time go!!

You will have your time, and all that you learn and experience will find it's useful way to guide you as you take your next "Leap"!! Looking forward to sharing!! :hugs:

[Felix]

Blessed be Kat ya so right and yeah sharing is good and look forward to it too xx Felix :hugs:

[gennee]

Hi, Felix. I'm happy :) that you are working through your issues. Always remember that we will support you in whatever way we can.

Gennee :hugs:

[metalguy639]

Divorce & separation is hard no matter what gender or what sexual orientation you are. I went through a really painful divorce about 12 years ago so I can definitely understand where you are coming from. I wish the best for you and hope you keep on hanging in there. :D

[Felix]

Thanx MetalGuy empathy is everything xx Felix :hugs::hugs: