Just how real is it to you?

[Kate Simmons]

I'm not talking about passing or blending or mixing with people here, I'm talking about just how "real" your femme side, persona or character or whichever you consider it is to you as a person. When you get dressed up and do your thing, whether it's just staying home, going out shopping, going clubbing or whatever you do to enjoy this, do you feel it's a real valid part of yourself or do you just feel like it's a facade, a mask or a character you create? For some it's about the feel of the clothes, for others it's more of an identity thing, for still others, it may be something else. What is your motivation and how do you feel? What is your goal or determination for doing this or it is simply for pleasure?

In my case, like many others, it started out with the feel of the clothes and just feeling good about how "sexy" I thought I felt. I was young and my hormones were raging. Even early on, I knew there was more to it however and as time went on, it became more about seeking out myself and my feelings as a person. This sometimes creates no small amount of confusion. I had the usual questions for myself. Was I gay? Did I really want to become a woman? If I pursued this, what would happen? The "pink fog" is really tough to cut through sometimes and I was in it for awhile until I finally got my bearings.

I finally realized that I had never felt like a whole and complete person. My accomplishments as a man seemed adequate on the surface but really all was not well as I was denying a vital part of myself and I had to get a real handle on it to be a real person. I went for the gusto and took the bull by the horns and confronted and addressed my feelings and started being honest with myself. I really lived those feelings and made them mine and they are no less of a valid part of me than my "guy" feelings.

The result is that I'm a much stronger person overall and it it totally my choice as to how I express that. I can present as Sal or Rich with equal ease and am really always the same person nowadays and no less genuine in either "mode". With myself, it's what you see is what you get and that is how real it is for me. I was just wondering how others felt about this.:happy:

[deja true]

Oh, Sal! I think I might be going through the same sort of mental 'transition' that you speak about. I think we all might eventually. For me it has taken a long time, but the spur that kinda pushed me forward is my recent joining of this Forum!

Since I was a teen, it was almost always about how I looked. The look, the appearance, was foremost. Put on a piece of femme, then check the mirror. Put on another piece, then check the mirror. Another piece, check. Another piece, check. Did that for years! Nowadays, I hardly ever look in the mirror. I'm not doing it for the look anymore. I'm doing it for the feel. (Not the tactile feel, though that's important).It's the feeling, the inside feeling, that I'm just me, for me alone.

I think related to this is the picture thing! I was a collector. Before the internet, I saved pictures from magazines, newspapers anywhere I ever ran across a picture of a crossdressed man. Then, with the introduction of the intra-webs, I started downloading pics from websites. I had hundreds of diskettes(remember them?) with pics. In recent years, I've made scores of cd's with web site pics. Flickr, in particular was my favorite source. Not porn sites, I prefer normal appearance, not she-male exhibitionism or lascivicious degradation! I viewed them everyday in rotation and spent hours downloading more. But I always went away feeling a little guilty for my silent voyeurism.

Since joining here, I haven't downloaded or bothered to turn on the cd palyer at all, except for a real movie. (And I've also come to appreciate ALL our girls, not just the proficient passers.)

To (finally) get to the point, this place and the many thoughtful comments and conversations that go on here interest me much more than silent watching. As I said in my introduction all these many days (it's only been days?) ago, I tend to be long-winded and my joy are the long, well thought out posts that appear here, especially yours! All of a sudden, it's not all about the clothes and the appearance anymore.

I've traded one addiction for another it seems. And I'm glad. It's much healthier mentally and makes me feel good instead of dirty. Thanks Salandra and thanks to thoughtful girls (of all sexes and genders) everywhere here.(This place has made me a better MAN, too, when I have to be a man!)

(grateful) respect & (wordy) love

deja

I DO love my parentheses, eh?

[Kate Simmons]

Yeah, I had to do some real soul searching to understand the meaning of it all for myself. I mean, what's the point really of going through all of this (sometimes elaborate) prep work to look like a gal if there is not some real goal to it? Sometimes we really don't know why we are doing something until we meditate about it but it just may feel "right". I can go out there (and have) passing and blending and all of that stuff until the cows come home but if I have no clue as to WHY I'm doing it, it's meaningless, to me anyway.

It's all about the people really, the human race and how we fit into it. We want, sometimes even kind of "demand" acceptance but you have to look at the other side of the coin also sometimes. How can we demand of others if we are not friendly, out going and cordial ourselves? This is one powerful lesson I have learned and acceptance of diversity and of people for who they are is a part of that. Not just the TG community but everyone really, even if we do not necessarily agree with them.

We really get out of it what we put into it and how well the "final product" holds up is proof of that. This is what makes it "real" for me.:happy:

[Littlej10]

From a very young age, about 3, I was attracted to the variety, colour and texture of female clothing so I guess this is where I, like so many, began. It never developed a sexual aspect, dressing was a release of an inner tension. All of my life I have felt that I have been acting a role of some sort, both in male and female mode. This may be a mistaken perception indicating that whatever mode I am in it is all me and the changes between male and female dress are superficial the underlying reality being constant. The "acting" is probably the need to suppress my more feminine istincts, (I hate that phrase but don't know how else to express it succinctly), when in male mode and vice-versa. I need both to relax the inner tension.

[TxKimberly]

Honestly? These days I sometimes feel like the male half of my life is the facade, the act, the face I put on for people. I feel complete, happy, and comfortable "as Kim" and often can not say the same for my everyday male life.

[Angie G]

I feel it is a very real part of me :hugs:
Angie

[deja true]

KIM, i agree completely. But I'm always comforted during the obligatory "man times" at work or out with friends that deja is always there, too, even though nobody else can sense her. What they do sense, though, is that I'm a better listener, a more compassionate friend than most of the other guys they know. I'm the one they usully confide in about problems at home or health issues. And,even if my more mascuine friends think that's a little "gay", well I don't care. That's the secret deja at work on my conscience, and I like it, like it a lot. I don't need to underdress anymore in drab to feel deja's presence (but it's still fun sometimes just for the thrill!).

deja

[Deborah Jane]

Like most others it started with the clothes and makeup, but as time goes on i,m starting to realise Debs is part of me all the time not just when i,m dressed up. I,m now starting to accept some feelings and emotions as being important and not just keeping them hidden under my male persona. I,m finding things kind of confusing at the moment and wonder where this will all lead to!!

[Sally24]

One of the last times I was out I came to a similar conclusion as others. I felt totally comfortable, very female, and it seemed like me (not just the guy dressed up). Depending on what angle you're coming to this from, I think that those of us that are female inside but not destined to transition finally get to a place where we feel "normal". It's hard to describe, but you know it when you feel it. I look in the mirror quite often and see the woman with her makeup off instead of the man. I'm not unhappy with my male life but as Kim said, it sometimes seems like the male side is just a disguise I wear when I can't be Sally.

That being said, I am much more comfortable with myself in any mode now and my family feels the difference. I haven't completely figured this all out yet (do we ever?) but I have a much better understanding of the whole dynamic as it applies to me now.

[Dawn Marie]

Honestly? These days I sometimes feel like the male half of my life is the facade, the act, the face I put on for people. I feel complete, happy, and comfortable "as Kim" and often can not say the same for my everyday male life.

I'll have to agree with Kimberly, I feel more like I'm putting on an act as my male self and that Dawn is the real person. I have always been sort of feminine in mannerisms and never have fit the typical male mold. Dawn allows me to be the person who I know I really am inside, and lets me show it on the outside as well. I'm always much happier when I'm Dawn and I feel that that is who I should have been. My mother always said I was suppose to be a girl after having my brother. And she may finally get her wish.

[Celeste]

With still experimenting and learning more about myself,I guess it is an identity that I seek and appreciate most,I can't really decide on any goals yet and just want it to evolve.This side of me is truly real and the joy and relaxation also release of tension I derive from it is immeasurable.

["Mary"]

I think I'm probably on the minority side of this discussion, but I'll chime in anyways. I don't really feel like a girl much at all. CD'ing is a lot of fun for me. I love the illusion and it feels really good. But, the real me is a guy, and I'm perfectly content with that.

Now, that's just me and I'm not trying to un-validate anyone else's feelings. Just thought I'd share a veiw from the other end of the spectrum of "How real is it to you?".

Diana

[deja true]

Dianaprince, you may actually turn into WonderWoman,after all. Though you think you may be on the opposite side of the coin, what you say is, I think what many of are are saying, too. But in a slightly different way.

It's not that I feel more real as a woman. It's that I feel more real and comfortable in my male skin because of the influence that recognizing (and not fighting) deja seems to have had on my whole personality. That makes me more comfortable and secure as a man, too.

(Have you taken the sex:i-d test that just popped up in a thread recently? It may help to explain where some of this interesting ambiguity in feelings comes from in some of us. Of course it's only pop science, but there're links to more expanded explanations. Give it a try.)

deja

[Erica Lauren James]

I'd also have to agree with Kim, my male side is the facade as whenever I don't have to be Eric I spend all my time as Erica.

Even as Eric I present fairly femme, girly style earrings, very slim tight fighting jeans, eyebrows shaped, eyelashes curled etc.

But what makes me the happiest is when I can slip in my breast forms, slip into my heels and just be ME

Another great thread Salandra


Erica

[docrobbysherry]

I think I'm probably on the minority side of this discussion, but I'll chime in anyways. I don't really feel like a girl much at all. CD'ing is a lot of fun for me. I love the illusion and it feels really good. But, the real me is a guy, and I'm perfectly content with that. Diana

Sherry for me, is my fantasy woman come to life! She is so different from Robert, she's an enigma to me! He's a tired old man, she's a hot young woman!

I know enough about myself to know that there is more to her than that. Things going on in my subconscious, etc. But at the present time, it's all about her looks, not about feelings at all yet!
RS

[Susan.]

Pamelaanne, Pamela, Pam... do no mean a lot except on the internet. My wife knows of my dressing (for 30 years now) and has never heard or called me by my femme name. I don't try to hide it, but she is not interested.

This morning I wore a beautiful coral satin top with cap sleeves and an empire waist and the only thing she says is, "that looks like a maternity top". :( The only reason I even got that comment is because it's my birthday.

[Alana65]

Honestly? These days I sometimes feel like the male half of my life is the facade, the act, the face I put on for people. I feel complete, happy, and comfortable "as Kim" and often can not say the same for my everyday male life.

Kim put into words what I could've, but did it short & sweet.

[ElleCD]

I feel much more complete as Eleanor who is nearer to my true self than the masculine persona which i have now come to realise has always been the facade. This is to the extent that i know that were I able to be more overt as Eleanor I am certain that this would improve my well being, self confidence and no doubt personal success.

[charlie]

I guess there is more to come. Charlie is not a different person then myself, just differently dressed and acting. I try to be a perfect lady! As to why I do it, I have no idea...just that I must. Dressing used to be sexual and stimulating, but now is just something I enjoy doing, feeling and being. Just do not know the why part.

[Kate Simmons]

I am indeed very familiar with feeling that my male side and feelings were a facade as many have related here. I was in that "gear" for quite a while really. As convincing as it was (and it was very convincing), I felt deep down that that was not the end of it for myself. The budding nature of who I was to become demanded I dig deeper, so I did. The real treasure for me was hidden under cultural and sub cultural "standards" and under tons of smoke and mirrors. It's so simple really, it's ridiculous.

By embracing my feelings, integrating them and amalgamating them, I was now fully in control and could be anyone I wanted to be with no shame and no dysphoria. No trick really, just honesty with myself and the willingness to accept my core being. As I always say, sometimes we cannot see the forest because of all the trees and the simplest things are often the hardest to understand. Works for me.:happy:

[Daintre]

I have always thought that I was really one person, but my inner self did not match the outer shell. It is easiest to say that there were 2 parts, I could be Jenni in the closet and be the real "me". To everyone else I was J, a rugged man, you might even say ...red neck guy. What an act, yes an act. It was like I was playing a character in a real life show.

As life went on it became harder to be the guy and Jenni wanted out so bad, well that became a major depression for me.

Today, I am finally steps to be Jenni out in the world. I have to remember though that J is an integral part of me and that only by combining J and Jenni can I be the real me.

[shannonsilk]

All of my life I have felt that I have been acting a role of some sort, both in male and female mode.

I agree with that.
It is easier to pull off acting as a guy 'cause the parts (physical) fit. I don't really feel any different in one mode than the other.
I'm having trouble putting it into words.

[Julie York]

I think that what I do when the mood takes me (rarely) is more of a craving like someone might crave chocolate. You can live without it quite happily but now and then you just fancy some chocolate. And the more you can't have it the worse it is. Think of that frantic drug addict state of mind when you were a teenager, with no clothes, no outlet, no means of getting 'chocolate', but an overwhelming heart thumping desire when the mood overtook you. If you'd been able to do it, have access to clothes, not have to lie...would it have been such an urgent consuming desire when the desire hit? Maybe. Who knows. But it wouldn't have had a name attached.

It wasn't a persona. It wasn't an expression of a character within you. It WAS a 'thing', a state of being , a need, (usually sexual) that drove you on with as much sense as being born with a smack addiction and not knowing it.

But it had no character attached.

It is only with the internet, or brave souls who ventured out in the early days, that a personality, persona was given to the activity because you needed to give it .....YOU..... a name. So a kid with a fetish for his Mother's stockings became Sandra or Sharon or Susan when previously he had just been some guy with a fetish. It took form in a way that made mental sense because Susan/Sharon/Sandra would wear those things, do those things, want those things. Like a male actor playing a female character in a play. And it's sort of ok somehow because the female persona isn't some guy with a fetish.....it's ok to prance around in drag if the part calls for it. It becomes a real soul, a character part, with no need for excuses and no contradiction between desire and gender.

But it, she, isn't actually YOU!

It just makes it somehow mentally safe and sane to wrap it all up in a neat ball and call it a girls name.

Julie York is a fictional character.
I do her typing. I do her funny jokes and sarcastic comments. She just makes me wear clothes now, that would make no sense at all unless she existed. Prior to her existence, I was just a guy with a fetish. I still am but I don't like to think about it.

I don't know if I answered the question but I think I'll have a lie down now.

:p

[stormrider]

It is more real than the male persona I had tried to be for so many years.

Michelle