Losing partner

[Perrinielle]

I'm just wondering if some one has input...

I have been on hrt for a while now, my body has changed, I lost a lot of weight and have become more and more female in the last couple of months. That really made me happy and I feel a completely different person.

I am also married to a beautiful understanding person and we have two lovely kids. We don't intend to seperate and my wife helps me a great deal. I truly couldnot live without her. Or my kids.

Recently I have discovered that she has admitted to have a problem with our love life, primarily because I am turning more femme. On her own forum she explained she has a hard time making love to a woman.

The whole transition is a process of a lot of tiny little steps: hormones, laser treatment, hair coloring, earrings, well I'm not telling anyone anything new here. Because these steps are so tiny I also consider them legitimate in my proces. But now I've come to realize that with every step I take I might be stepping away from the woman I love so much in my life.

I realized before that this would happen. However, now I'm at the point were I feel more lonely in the decisions that I make. It has become a catch-22. My wife never told me NOT to start transitioning. As a matter of fact, she really supports me. I am right on track with my transition.
At what point would you stop a transition?
Or is this just one of the very very hard decisions one has to make as a trans sexual. This is really bothering me big time.

[kerrianna]

Wish I had an easy answer for you hon. The sexual thing is a big barrier for a previously hetero couple.

I don't know if 'stopping' transition would even work for you by now. To pick up on the sexual relationship your partner might also not only want not to make love to a woman, but to make love to a man. And if that's not who you are, you're going to have to do a lot of faking, and that's likely to cause a lot of resentment and hurt for you.

I'd suggest (and this is advice I need to take myself because this is a huge unresolved issue in my relationship) that you talk to your partner about what you can do about this together, GIVEN that you will continue transition.

Some couples as they get older together don't need the sexual contact as much as just physical closeness, and that can be okay for some women. Otherwise you might have to come to an understanding on how each of your sexual needs could be fulfilled. That could mean anything. Keep an open mind, both of you, and see what ideas come up.

But I think you need to talk about this and be honest.

Be honest with yourself first. Are you ready willing and able to return to the man she desires? If not, you guys have to figure out Plan B, C, D etc....

I'm speaking as someone who hasn't really begun transitioning but has already pretty much stopped being a guy in my relationship and like I said it has caused a huge gap that we haven't addressed yet. Our relationship is changing rapidly each day, because of growth by each of us, so I'm not sure how important sex is. But I know we need that talk ourselves. Maybe I'm just afraid of where it may lead. :sad:

[Sally24]

You both have to openly discuss just "where" you think you are going. Are you going to fully transition into a post-op female? Are you going to go far enough that your male physiology will not be sexually functional? Are you going to get femme enough to pass, but still be a functional male?

Many of your choices are one way, you must discuss them before, not after or during!

If you are going to stay together are you going to be man and wife, partners, friends, sisters??

These are all important things that need to be discussed before you make a final choice.
:2c:

[Perrinielle]

Wish I had an easy answer for you hon. The sexual thing is a big barrier for a previously hetero couple.

I don't know if 'stopping' transition would even work for you by now. To pick up on the sexual relationship your partner might also not only want not to make love to a woman, but to make love to a man. And if that's not who you are, you're going to have to do a lot of faking, and that's likely to cause a lot of resentment and hurt for you.

I'd suggest (and this is advice I need to take myself because this is a huge unresolved issue in my relationship) that you talk to your partner about what you can do about this together, GIVEN that you will continue transition.

Some couples as they get older together don't need the sexual contact as much as just physical closeness, and that can be okay for some women. Otherwise you might have to come to an understanding on how each of your sexual needs could be fulfilled. That could mean anything. Keep an open mind, both of you, and see what ideas come up.

But I think you need to talk about this and be honest.

Be honest with yourself first. Are you ready willing and able to return to the man she desires? If not, you guys have to figure out Plan B, C, D etc....

I'm speaking as someone who hasn't really begun transitioning but has already pretty much stopped being a guy in my relationship and like I said it has caused a huge gap that we haven't addressed yet. Our relationship is changing rapidly each day, because of growth by each of us, so I'm not sure how important sex is. But I know we need that talk ourselves. Maybe I'm just afraid of where it may lead. :sad:


Hi Kerrianna and Sally,

Thank you so much for your answer, you girls helped me big time. My wife and I have discussed everything about transitioning over and over again so I am sure we have touched base on this but it was hard to find out I (or we) reached the actual point were things could go wrong.

I talked it over with my wife because even though we live together I miss her in a way. I think it will become inevitable that after a while you will not have sex like heterosexuals do. And that feels so selfish on my behalf. In a way I was hoping she could adapt to the new me. Okay I am starting to repeat myself. :redface: :redface: :redface:

Anyways, just by accident there was something she said this afternoon and I started crying about it and I explained it to her. She said she would never leave me and that she feels happy for me but the sexual part is hard for her as well.
In a way I think we are going to be okay. We both have no idea what the future holds for us. We will just have to find out I guess.

Kerrianne, I wonder how long you have been together with your wife? I do believe sex is important in a relationship but being together can be more important. Would you stay with her regardless? (Would you mind if she had sex with a different man? I honestly can not stand the idea of my wife having sex with an other man -as strange as it may sound - but on the other hand, I would not leave her for that as well.)

Thanks again !!

-Leanne

[Kimberley]

I cant add more than the others have except to say that even though many partners have vowed to stay together, often they do not. It is something you need to be prepared for in any event. Those that do stay together seem to have a stronger bond than before but that is a lot to ask of any GG in this.

Hugs
Kimberley

[celtic.blue.eyes]

With the limited information available on your dilemma, I could be way off track, but I'll throw it out for discussion anyway. It sounds like you want your cake and eat it too. Whenever there is another person involved, there must also be compromise, and those compromises should pretty well balance out between the parties involved. Do you think you stand about midway in the compromise department?

[Perrinielle]

With the limited information available on your dilemma, I could be way off track, but I'll throw it out for discussion anyway. It sounds like you want your cake and eat it too. Whenever there is another person involved, there must also be compromise, and those compromises should pretty well balance out between the parties involved. Do you think you stand about midway in the compromise department?

Well I could not have put it in better words, you describe exactly how I feel.
My wife and I have talked it over again this evening (and of course I had too cry my heart out because I feel so stupid) and I do stand midway in the compromise department.

[kerrianna]

Sometimes compromise seems like defeat, but where's there compromise there's always hope. And there should always be compromise.

Yes Leanne, my partner and I have been together for over 23 years. We've had some very good times ;) over that period, so I think we both feel like we haven't missed out. In fact because of her being older and having had more experiences than me I always felt like the one who missed out and it was a problem for me... but now it's not. I don't feel like I am missing out, well except living as myself in the outside world. Because we havent had a talk about where we are lately I can't say for sure that my partner feels ok about the downsizing (so to speak), but I think if it was a major issue she would have raised it by now. One thing we do have is very free and easy communication.

Every relationship is different so whatever works for you guys is the thing. I'm glad you can talk about it, because that's the most important thing - respect and consideration for each other. :hugs:

[Stephanie Anne]

I can't say much hear except that your life and your happiness is what is important here. Examine the outcome and start to ask yourself how connect will you be with the different choices oyu can make here.

You chose to accept your transexuality because living a lie was not something you could accept any longer. You have the complication of having to deal with your changes and that of your partnership with your wife at the same time. You have to let her make her decisions and abide by them. Do not make regrettable ones simply because you do not want to risk losing your immediate situation.

Making this transition you have to take the chance that everything you know and everyone you love could go away.

I can only assume that because of where you are right now you could not continue as a half person. Don't complicate your already difficult choice by fearing the heart of your wife. You can't make her stay if she does not want to nor do I believe you would live with yourself forcing it upon her.

Live for your peace of mind, be complete and let those who really love you find their place in and around you. you can't do anymore than that.

Last bit of advice... give as much breathing room as you can, this transition is a big emotional roller coaster and the last thing anyone needs is claustrophobia.

Oh and thank you for sharing a bit of yourself, you make us all better by doing so.

[Perrinielle]

That's sweet Viktoriya, thank you.
All yours answers meant a great deal to me !!

Leanne :winking:

[Nicki B]

I am also married to a beautiful understanding person and we have two lovely kids. We don't intend to seperate and my wife helps me a great deal. I truly couldnot live without her.

For the very few couples I know who have managed to stay together, it's always the same - the wife is bereaved of the man who was her husband, and has to grieve?

Staying together can be done - but it asks a helluvalot of her...

[Linda Z]

maybe find a point in the process where you and your wife are OK.
the process, need not be all or nothing.
It can work, balance can feel good to both of you.:2c:

my wife and i had to reach this point, with some adjustments, been in balance for 25 years. I love taking care of her.
good luck
take care -Linda Z

[Perrinielle]

For the very few couples I know who have managed to stay together, it's always the same - the wife is bereaved of the man who was her husband, and has to grieve?

Staying together can be done - but it asks a helluvalot of her...

God I love this forums... shame I cannot pull it up at work.. !

You know Nicki, this is so true and I realize that but I cannot find a way to compensate what she lost or will still loose. If only I could. I take real good care of her and we still make a great couple - at least we both feel that way.
But I have a funny feeling that I will put in for compensation in the long run as well. Although I have no idea when or for what that is going to be... oh well

Thank you all so much for your answers. I said it before and I'll say it again: it has meant so much for me !!

Leanne

[Amy Hepker]

This is something you will have to discuss with her. She may stay with you, but she may never have sex with you again. There is the posibility like I went through she may want what she calls a real man and leave you or she may just cheat on you with or without you knowing. I am in the process of going into a more female state myself, but know from past experiances that I have been cheated on and left behind and that was just from crossdressing. The Lady I am with now, may stay with me and she may not. That is up to her. I will be hurt if she leaves, but I told her if she is going to, to let me find someone else before she does leave me. I for one do not want to ever be a lone, and like you and many more here we want a female to share the rest of our lives with. I know many true females or GGs do not want to be with or married to a guy that wears female clothing or be with another female or anyone that looks like a female. It is something you and your SO will have to talk out and decide what will happen. Since you have kids it will be hard, many people may not think much of you or her for bringing up kids in a transsexual situation. It may be Family or peer pressure that brakes her or your relationship.

[GypsyKaren]

I realize that I'm probably the exception to the rule, but I'm a post-op and still very happily married, and we're closer than ever, so it can be done. I guess it comes down to your definition of love, to both of us it always meant the willingness to do whatever it took for the other's happiness, and it also meant that we wanted to be together forever, no matter what. It's like any relationship in that you have to work at it everyday to make things work, so we're pretty much like any other couple.

Also, she doesn't "bereave" the loss of her "man", instead she rejoices at knowing the woman I truly am because she can see my happiness and joy at being able to be my true self at last. There are also adjustments we've had to make, but we still have sex, and we still share a high level of intimacy between us.

I'm not saying that all of this came easy because it didn't, but nothing in a relationship does, you both have to share and keep a commitment to each other, but one thing that everyone has to realize is this, there's a hell of a lot more to a marriage than a penis.

Karen Starlene :star:

[Sejd]

I think that your problem is related to the question: How far do you want to go with your transition? Some women can't live with the loss of their husband, and who can blame them? Some Trans people find a balance in their gender identification, that's great too. Whatever works is what the bottom line is in this question. How much are you willing to compromise yourself? This transition does not happen overnight.
Good luck
hugs
Sejd

[Felix]

Sorry Hun late to this discussion but I'll try. I think everyone here has great advice to give they are so experienced. I think I lost my partner cos she didn't see me as a real lesbian and it confused her. Then again she had someone else who may have been influencing her decisions who she went off with. If things had not been so black and white for her we may have got through it but like people here said it is a huge thing to ask of any partner. She didn't want me to stop being myself but she couldn't deal with the more masculine me in the end, well thats how I think anyways :sad: Good luck Hun and keep talking. She stopped talking to me and went to someone else and thats sad, it hurt so much. :hugs::hugs: xx Felix

[Sejd]

This is what my life partner told me when I came out: All the attention seem to be on the person coming out, what about the one left behind, the one who has to adjust to everything going on?
The more time I spend being "out", the more I understand how it is essential to be sensitive to your partners needs as well. It is important to work out the basics as to when can you be what she needs you to be, and when can you be what you need to be? If you work together on the problem, maybe you can continue your journey together. If you are in a long time relationship, it takes the both of you to find the compromise which works the best if at all possible.
hugs
Sejd