Putting the feelings into perspective

[Kate Simmons]

When I first "officially came out" back in 2001 I had learned of a TG Org fairly close by, so decided to give it a shot to meet others who had the same feelings about dressing. It was nice to be among others who would not judge me because of these feelings I had. My early experiences with interacting with the public in those days were mostly positive, so that inspired me to move forward. You have to realize though that I had many years of private dressing prior to this and had honed my dressing and makeup skills somewhat to a degree and hadn't just stepped off the "boat" so to speak.

I had also gotten books by Dr. Liang and Dr. Roberts about enhancing the female image by appearance, comportment and speaking which a lot of emphasis seemed to be placed on by members of the Org. While I took it under advisement, I didn't feel that was as important as interacting with others, especially people who accepted me and the euphoria of "passing" quickly gave way to seeking to become a "people person." My endeavors were met with a lot of frustration however as members of the Org were mostly closeted and more or less just enjoyed the monthly get togethers and attempts to get together other than that were slim to none with most members.

After a couple years of this, I made the decision to leave the Org and go out on my own because quite frankly it was moving too slow for me and I wanted to develop the interpersonal aspects of it all. The Org did have other meetings in different locations in the State but it didn't make sense to me to do all of that traveling just for more of the same laid back type of activity, not to mention my overall agenda was different than theirs it seemed.

What I settled into was going to a LGBT resort near me to see how that would work. Initially, I was hesitant because I was thinking possibly I would be "hit on" by gay folks if they got the wrong impression. Well, no such thing happened and I was welcome to come there any time. This is where I really learned about diversity and acceptance and began to value people for who they are. I met quite a few new friends there from all pursuasions and most are good friends of mine to this day.

While some seem to have a bit of urgency with the need to "pass" and be perceived as a "woman" that became the least of it for me. Never did I ever attempt to deceive anyone into thinking I was a woman and made no bones about who I really was. Just a guy really who had fun dressing up and interacting with others and being myself. This kind of de-mystified CDing somewhat to the regulars at the club and the atmosphere there was always good and never confrontational at all.

Over the last five years I've worked up to the point where I can express myself freely no matter how I'm dressed and my friends all accept that, although occasionally some will say:"Why aren't you dressed?" or "Where is Sal?" I will usually get a grin on my face and say something like:"She took the night off." Doesn't really matter in any case and my friends are the important thing to me.

While I still enjoy dressing (who doesn't?),it seems to be winding down somewhat for me and as I've said many times, I don't see myself doing this forever even though it's no "chore" to make myself up as Sal and what keeps it fun for me right now is mostly trying out the different looks. I do think however that I've accomplished my main goal which was learning about and interacting with people freely as myself and feeling good about that. The people, however are the most important part of it to me and my feelings have been put into perspective accordingly. Never have I felt this free to truely be myself.:happy:

[Nicki B]

Sal,

I don't think, by any stretch of the imagination, you are 'just a guy'... :heehee:

[deja true]

Thoughtful Salandra, you've hit on part of what I'm looking for, too...friendship.

Dressing is a lonely 'hobby'. Most of us are isolated in our dressing, isolated from our friends, isolated from our families. We crave communication with others who know and have shared our fears, our highs and lows. If we've not come out to anyone, which most of us can not or have not, we're essentially very lonely people. Eventually, though, through anonymous correspondences like this, or many ( initially) shy visits to t-friendly venues we'll start to see the foolishness of our ultra- secretiveness.

It's inter-personal, face to face. communications that we need. That need is innate. Think of Crusoe, alone for years. His joy in finding Friday, another real live human, was the high point of the story. Think of Tom Hanks in "Castaway". His isolation made him talk to a volleyball with a face. Closeted dressers are castaways, aching for humane, copacetic communication.

And we want friends, true friends, open and honest friends that share all our interests. Our old friends who don't know our secrets will always be our friends, but in not being able to share everything with them, we still remain somewhat isolated from them.

One of the best pieces of advice i've ever seen came from a transitioned girl's website. She used to have a website that featured hundreds of 'pin-up" pics of her gorgeous presentation. But after several years of transition, she's completely modified her site and her thinking, and now it is one of the best advisory sites I've ever visited for Trans-girls, both CD and transitioning.

If you want good friends, she says, who you know are safe to share your whole life with, not just dressing acquaintances, it's important to get to know your CD friends both as women AND as men. Spend time together dressed, but also in drab. Share drinks at the clubs, but also go to a ballgame together. As we get older, it's harder and harder to make true friends, but well worth the effort, I think.

I'm having a hard time getting across what's really in my head on this one. But the genesis of my thought is the fact that I am still single after all these years and have never had the good luck or honor of having a supportive SO, despite several long-term and wonderful realtionships with otherwise remarkable women. Like many in a previous thread that touched on this topic, I've decided that single I'll remain in order to avoid the drama of having to come out to a lover. And another important factor for me, that does not affect the vast majority of you all, is that I live in a very small community that's not anywhere near a developed country! (Believe me, I know about islands!)

Help me out here if you understand what I'm trying to get at!

respect & (tongue-tied) love

deja

[Kate Simmons]

Friends may come from the most likely places although sometimes they come from some that may seem unlikely. After awhile you can tell fairly quickly just how open and welcoming some folks are and I have developed the skill to assess folks very well even at the first meeting and even on a Forum such as this I can get a fairly good idea. If I've chatted with some folks on IM, talked on the phone or met them in person, I have rarely been disappointed and most have been exactly who they inferred they were. The basic goal here is to support one another and share experiences and advice but it means much more than that to me really, especially when one of them pours out their heart. I do my best to be there for them and I know they will be there for me. That is what true friendship is all about and that is invaluable.:happy:

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

There are truly some wonderful points made in this thread.

I would like to add that over the years I have made friends in circles that I never thought I would. Some of those friendships have blossomed, some have faded away.

Part of what I am trying to say is that we all walk this road in one form or another. None of us are the same, though many of us have similar experiences to draw from. Take each step as you feel comfortable taking. There is no right or wrong way of doing... just DOING.

Some find it best to stay private in their dressing, some go all the way to becoming what they feel will complete who they are inside and out.

I applaud each and every one of you for taking the walk and becoming everything you want to be.
It certainly isn't easy by any stretch.

If it was everyone would be fighting over the limited supply of beautiful clothing out there ;)

*much hugs*

Zara

[Daintre]

Thanks Sal for your great post, I guess the most important point I got from it was "friendship" and knowing that if you are open and honest, you will find new friends in the most unlikely places. These friendships may prosper and grow over the years or fade into being just a smile when thought of. As we get older, the value of friendship also rises, when we are young and we are so busy herding cats, starting a family, friendship is there but not as important. In my case I have a few friends and I wish I had a re-do, I cannot believe what an a** I was to some people in the past, good people who wanted to know me....for shame :sad:

[Wickanne GG]

You are a beautiful person Salandra. :hugs:

You have taken the rough stone, polished the many faucets and revealed that which makes you…YOU. :^5:

Toast: Here’s to all you have come to realize. May you continue to grow and learn, and use your wisdom to inspire those on this same journey. :drink:

:love:
Wickanne

[waspookie6]

Thank you once again Salandra, you always bring out the "heart" in me.

:love:

[SweetCaroline]

We are all basically "guys in dresses". I HONESTLY don't think anyone looks at us and sees us as people who were born genetically female.

Yet at the same time I think most of us try. We all do our best to present ourselves as female, yet some of us never will.

I think it's better to just present yourself as TRANSGENDERED, weather you pass or not. Because that's how we are going to gain acceptance in society. Not by hiding, but by presenting ourselves as who we are.

Just my :2c:

[docrobbysherry]

Sal,
I don't think, by any stretch of the imagination, you are 'just a guy'... :heehee:

Sal/Rich,
What is so easy for u, is like pulling out nails with my teeth, for me! I'm just NOT a good people person!

Deja true, got to the heart of the issues/problems for me. The Weirdness of CDing, is something I haven't been able to get past! I don't feel I can reveal what I do to anyone I know! I feel I must stay in my closet, even tho I would LIKE to meet other CDs, in social circumstances.
But, I can't go to a group meeting as Sherry, or the man-in-a-dress look I find so repugnant, ( at least, on myself). So, I go in drab to a meeting with weirdly dressed strangers? Don't know if I can do that!

Let me add that, people on this site have been great, in general, to me and for me. However, I have had contact with CDs on other sites, enough to WORRY about some of them! Maybe Sherry brings out the WORST in many CDs! One way, or another.
Maybe it's not too late to switch hobbies. To something like collecting ceramic cats, or making model airplanes! Nah, too boring for an old guy like me!
RS

[Kate Simmons]

I have gone to TG meetings drab RS and so have others. One reason I did that was to see if they would treat me any differently--they didn't. It depends on the group and the members of it really. If they truely are supportive, which is the purpose, it won't make any difference. It's really not about the clothes, it's about the people and their feelings. Any thing less than that is just plain shallow and I would not associate with such a gang. Contact a few groups maybe and see what their agendas are. You may be surprised.:happy:

[melissacd]

Sal,

Thank you so much for this post. Over the past week I have hit a really low point in my life based on an event that happened about a week ago. I guess I was a train wreck waiting to happen and it has happened.

While my room mate and I did get out last Thursday to have dinner and shop en femme and that was a positive experience that will help me on my journey. In other aspects of my life I have made a royal mess.

This post of yours may be the thing that I need to help me point myself in the right direction. The focus needs to be on discovering who Melissa is. I have been so lonely for so long, even though I was still in a long term relationship that I completely lost my moorings and I was trying to define myself in terms of others, in terms of finding another relationship with someone, anyone. I see now that that was just plain wrong. I do not have a good relationship with myself yet, I really do not understand who I am and because of that I am making a mess of trying to be me with someone else.

What I realize that I need to do is just be Melissa, just get used to being her and being in the world, getting comfortable with who she is and building friendships only. This is not a time in my life for romance or intimacy, it is a time for self discovery without the complications of anything, anyone other than my femme persona.

I can see that I am the beginning of the journey that you started back in 2001 and I really appreciate your wise insights. You have given me signposts to look for along the way that will help me understand where I am in this journey. I will put in another post one wonderful thing, in a sea of bad events, that happened this week-end.

Huggs
Melissa

[Kate Simmons]

Well Melissa, the feedback we get from the interpersonal interaction is important and it needs to be processed because not only is self perception based on this but our perception by others as well, the "window dressing" notwithstanding. If we make the feelings our own and embrace them, it eventually goes full circle with a difference.

The difference is knowing who we really are as a person and what our true capabilities are and that we are really no longer limited by "definitions" and we can really be whoever we want to be. When we integrate ALL the feelings our true potential is unlimited and the whole person is truely greater than the sum of the male and female aspects. This is empowerment.

We are not shooting rockets to the moon here but it sometimes seems more difficult because it's too obvious. Our core being knows who we really are, all we have to do is listen when it speaks.:happy:

[deja true]

Melissa, I think it's great that you've realized what's right for you right now. It's true that we should not define ourselves by either what others think or what we search for.

I see that you use CD on the end of your name. If you define yourself as a Cross dresser and not a TS, then I think it's also important to regard your male persona as well as Melissa. (Is it possible that your confusion concerning Melissa is caused by your unsureness of your male persona as well?) Our understanding and acceptance of our femme personas and an ability to take joy in them rather than be embarrassed by them is a giant step on the road to accepting fully our male personas,as well. And as Salandra says, it's in the melding and acceptance of the male AND female elements that we can become a whole person that is finally happy with both sides of our beings.

Your concentration on Melissa alone may lead you in another direction, though. Many transitioned women will tell you that they thought they were CD's only, but came to their TS realisation only after years of cross-dressing. (Indeed some got there without dressing at all!) Not all Transexuals had that "trapped in the wrong body" from their childhoods.

Which ever branch in the road of life you take, go there with confidence. Go there with a clear mind about the roles of both parts of your complicated mind. Go there with the good wishes and support of all your friends here.

respect & love,

deja

[Kate Simmons]

Deja is right. So many people are stuck in the cycle of unsureness and indecision and it will just continue that way ad infinitum if we allow it to. The only way to really know for sure is to get to know your whole self, then you can decide what is best for you. I got to the point where I was at a crossroad and could go either way. I made my decision when I realized what my purpose was and needed to be balanced to accomplish that. Transitioning was one of the carrots being held out but I finally understood it wasn't just about myself, so declined that option.

This is never an exact science but feelings do play a big part in it. Trust your instincts, trust your feelings. They will reveal you to you but it takes time and honest effort. Only then can you really become yourself whichever direction you may decide to take.:happy:

[charlie]

Sal your posts are always insightful and helpful. Your positive nature always comes comes through! I am still see myself stuck in something not normal and dress in strange places and go dressed to strange TG bars where I know they will accept me. You, have gone way beyond that! You have come out and have all your friends know you. Not differently as Sal or Rich. Here, here!