Telling the wife

[dianwb262]

Any suggestions on how to tell the wife would be greatly appreciated. We have been married for over 27 years and I have come to the conclusion I need to tell her about my crossdressing. Thanks for any advice you may have.

[tamarav]

I for one am completely amazed you have any sanity left after hiding that "minor" part of your life so long. Since you obviously know your wife very well there must be a pretty strong reason that you haven't told her before. I wouldn't even risk a suggestion at this point.

[dianwb262]

I for one am completely amazed you have any sanity left after hiding that "minor" part of your life so long. Since you obviously know your wife very well there must be a pretty strong reason that you haven't told her before. I wouldn't even risk a suggestion at this point.

Please any suggestions at this point would be greatly appreciated.

[Rachel Morley]

My wife wrote an article on how best to do this a while back. Many people have told both me and her that it was very helplful.

It's called "how to tell you partner" and you will find it all all over the web on many TG websites. Here's a couple of links:


http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/wobs/howtellpartner.html (http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/wobs/howtellpartner.html)


http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=13841 (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=13841)

[Angie G]

Good luck hun :hugs:
Angie

[Chari]

It is always best to be honest with telling your feelings to her and after all these years you should have some ideas as to why you enjoy dressing. Go slow, think about what you want to say to her before you say it, and let her express her feelings too. It will be an enormous change in your life when you finally come out to her, both the good and not so good. Hopefully she will keep your secret and not use it against you when tougher times occur. There are books and support groups - including a group thru this forum that can give her more info as to understanding your needs in this matter. Again, take it slow!

Good luck, Chari

[Bravesoul]

I would think(unless you really good at hiding) she already knows, and after 27 she will understand, but go slow.


:2c:

[JoAnnDallas]

I finially had the conversation with my wife after 25 years of marriage. I was scared up till I started talking and then it was werid, I was not scared anymore. If also helped that she did not start screaming and yelling at me. She sat there and listen to what I said. She asked some of the normal questions and then told she had to think about all I said. She was then quite for 2-3 days, which started making me scared again. Then after dinner she told me she was OK, as long as she did not see me fully dressed or pictures of me fully dressed. Things have progressed a little. I can wear fem clothing that is unisex and now I can wear my Pink robe, Pink Satin PJ's, and Pink slippers but only inside the house. I can also continue to get my toes polished and wear light Pink polish on my acrylic nails.

[jill s]

I suggest you go to the "Loved Ones section and read "When did you find out?" You will see many different reactions that wives have to the news that hubby dresses in women's cloths. It will be a shock to her I'm sure. Are you ready for what ever her reaction is? Over a year later and we are at "Don't want to see it" and "Please go to a physiatrist so you can be cured" . I would never say don't tell, but know it may not turn out well.

[Eugenie]

Rachel Morley's answer should give you already some hints about how to approach the subject.

I'd like to emphasize a key aspect that Marla Morley said:


. Often the hiding or lying is more painful for a woman to cope with than the knowledge that her partner is a crossdresser.

This is in my opinion, the most important hurdle to get over with...

I had to face it, not with my wife, as I told her very early, but telling to my best friend... I felt he would feel betrayed by his best friend not having told him about that...

The thruth was the best thing to use as an excuse for having kept it secret: "Before I finally accepted myself, I couldn't deal with the idea of telling anybody..."

Then explain that you finally accepted to be who you are only through learning a lot about x-dressing on the internet, reading that you weren't alone, that people of all social conditions do it and don't feel guilty.

Of course, it may take time before you reach that point in your discussions with your wife... It may also be that she will be very angry even after you've taken all sorts of precautions before telling her...

No one can guaranty you that all will go smoothly...

But can you live long with that heavy secret?

:hugs:
Eugenie

[Jodianne]

As a wife I found the immediate reaction was the loss of my "normal" life and what will people think? This may be more because I'm focussed on my 2 very young kids and what this could mean to them. Yes I felt betrayed because Paul had told his ex and his mum before we even met and took 9 years to tell me but I should have seen the clues. I took a lot of his feminine ways as being merely metrosexual - he likes to colour his hair, moisturise wear girls jeans/pants for the fit and loves lycra bike tights and I took all this and didn't let my thoughts go past the metrosexual point. Naive I know but perhaps this is what your wife is doing too??? Sometimes it's easier for us to keep our heads in the sand and not see what's behind it all!!!!

Good luck.

Jodi.

[Colleen]

We were married for 23 years and going on 25 when you are with someone for that long theres not much she dose not know about unless you were caught lying in other things.One day I was just not my self moping around-Whats wrong bud? I got to tell you something its been on my mind my whole life-I'M A CROSSDRESSER- then it was O KAAAAAAAA then are you gay bla bla bla -No No No I said can we talk later and we did she never knew about how it felt. She still does love me very much but its kept in the closet for us and me .I still go slow but I'm much more a peace with my self.She knows that no one is perfect.If you look at all the people you know and the broken marrages ect.This is just a bump in the road.Man when I first put on my dress and heels that first day I made sure the house was spic an span and had breakfast for her in bed.But hey life is chioces and she likes the trade off.Now I get to dress with no cleaning involved.But thats aftre the chores are done!

[SandyR]

I can tell you how not to.

Don't get caught running up the stairs in hose, heels, short skirt...thats bad....

I guess just be honest, open and understand how it might feel if she told you "hun I like the feel of a nice mans suite against my skin.....".

SandyR

[charles1]

:2c:i had been married for over 30 yrs. when i told my wife of my desire to crossdress. this was after being on this site and chatting and reading many encouraging letters. at first i felt liberated and even bouught breast forms (mail order and lingere from lane brant. what a luxury to wear my own panties that fit and not my wifes. she allowed this but i noticed our marriage was strained and getting worse so i purged and tried to get back to a normal houselife. three years later our marriage is not back to normal i miss dressing my sex at home is poor (my fault) and when i can i visit here and a older gay male site. i guess i am who i am but honesty is not always the best policy. i miss my panties and want to dress. thx. for listening. fondly chas

[debbeelee1]

Can't help with that one, my SO knows and supports and encourages me! She might be one in a million and helped me develop "Debbee". There is great info and advice here. Another great group is Secret Garden. Both my SO and me belong and join in their paltalk chats Saturdays and Wednesdays. They also have a chat for SO's only on Tuesdays.

[yatista]

but please do tell how it goes

[dianwb262]

My wife wrote an article on how best to do this a while back. Many people have told both me and her that it was very helplful.

It's called "how to tell you partner" and you will find it all all over the web on many TG websites. Here's a couple of links:


http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/wobs/howtellpartner.html (http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/wobs/howtellpartner.html)


http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=13841 (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=13841)


That was a great article. thanks i hope this goes well. whenever i get the courage to tell her.

Thanks everyone for your advice and support. I can't believe I am even thinking about telling her. I kept it a secret for so long. I recently have been seeing a therapist and after telling her it doesn't seem so hard. I don't know when or how I will tell her but I know it must be done for our relationship to improve or for us to move on.

Thanks

[Suzy Harrison]

I think an important thing is the way you tell her.

If you approach the subject in a way that she thinks you are about to tell her a terrible secret then she will pick upon that. If it seems really scary to you then she will also see it the same way.

What I'm trying to say is this should not be a confession, but instead, something you have held inside and have wanted to tell her for years.

It would be helpful to try to gauge her feeling on the matter beforehand, but I know it's not an easy thing to weave into the converstion.

Once you have told her and providing she can accept it, you'll find that a huge burden has been released.

It's not nice, or easy, keeping a secret from the one person in the world who should always be on your side - so I hope everything works out for you both.

:hugs: Suzy

PS: What ever you do, don't ask her if she want's to go on the Jerry Springer Show with you !

[dianwb262]

I think an important thing is the way you tell her.

If you approach the subject in a way that she thinks you are about to tell her a terrible secret then she will pick upon that. If it seems really scary to you then she will also see it the same way.

What I'm trying to say is this should not be a confession, but instead, something you have held inside and have wanted to tell her for years.

It would be helpful to try to gauge her feeling on the matter beforehand, but I know it's not an easy thing to weave into the converstion.

Once you have told her and providing she can accept it, you'll find that a huge burden has been released.

It's not nice, or easy, keeping a secret from the one person in the world who should always be on your side - so I hope everything works out for you both.

:hugs: Suzy

PS: What ever you do, don't ask her if she want's to go on the Jerry Springer Show with you !

Thanks

I hope I handle it better than when I told my therapist. I broke down pretty bad, but it was such a relief to finally tell someone. I definitly won't be going on Jerry Springer show. Thanks for the comic relief, that is the attitude i am trying to maintain. Unfortunatly I won't be able to follow what one person has said. That is to tell her when things are going well. I know i need to tell her now for our relationship to either improve or for us both to move on.

[switcheralso]

I wrote my wife a letter and waited 24 hours before I gave it to her. I was loving and laid out my history of C/D. When she read it she stated she did not know if she should cry or laugh. She laughed and it opened up a new part of a wonderfull relationship.

[SweetCaroline]

The sooner the better. I told my current GF almost as soon as I started going out on the town with the SISTERS groups. Primarily because I wanted to be honest with her, but also because I didn't want to her to get suspicious when I'm not around certain nights of the week.

If you've been married that long, it quite possible she already suspects something and she might think it's something a lot worse than crossdressing. Think about it. Suppose your wife found a bra in a suitcase after a business trip or new jewelry stashed away at the back of a sock draw. Most wifes aren't going to think "oh my God my husbands a crossdresser". They are going to think, "oh my God there's another woman," and that puts more strain on her.

Whatever happens just let the chips fall where they may and good luck.