Making a statement vs simply being

[Kate Simmons]

When many of us come "out", we feel we have something to prove, I was no different. I had this duality and both sides seemed to be in competition for who was going to be the dominant control. I'd been a guy all my life although having this secret femme persona. When I decided to open up, "she" was determined to dominate everything and be top banana. Not being sure what would happen, I yielded control to Victoria, which is who I was at that time.

I'm not sure where the energy came from, there must be an energy grid we tap into for this stuff somewhere because at 54 I was being enlivened like never before to get my femme life going. I felt more like 24 really. I did the whole nine yards, TG Org, wigs, makeup, all kinds of outfits, get togethers, it was incredible really. I was proving to myself and others that this is who I was--This was me! Trouble was brewing in "paradise" however.

I began to question it all. What was I doing? What was my purpose? Did I intend to transition? Was my "guy" life prior to this a total waste and a sham? Had being married and having a family been a mistake? This left me kind of empty and my femme "victory" it seemed was a hollow one. I had to start re-thinking the whole thing.

What I realized is that I'd never really gotten in touch with my deep feelings and what I had was merely a surface facade of the real me and I had simply exchanged one set of behaviors for another. I understood that while I had felt Rich was phoney, Victoria was really no less so and for all her pomp and prissiness really had to go. This set the stage for a lot of deep introspection and as a result Ericka came into being. A street wise tomboy who wasn't afraid to use some muscle now and then but who was still feminine in her own right. This allowed me to experience all of my feelings in a real no nonsense way and the beginning of the integration of them into my overall self.

The result is who I am today and I'm in a pretty good place. What I have settled into is what I call a state of "simply being", that is simply being myself with nothing left to prove to myself or anyone else. I've empowered myself to utilize these feelings any time I see fit, in any way I see fit, in any mode. Not too shabby really, considering how I started out. I'm not quite sure what the future holds really but I'm sure it will be interesting. Works for me anyway.:happy:

[tricia_uktv]

Salandra, I'm sure there are phases that we go through over time. After years I've finally accepted that I am TG. The interesting question now though is exactly your question. I could (and do) happily go out dressed so could simply be. But something inside me wants to make a statement (that actually makes things harder) and I believe that is to help others coming up behind us. I think I am exactly where you were at the moment. I have agreed with myself (wierd) not to take away the masculine traits I have picked up - so I still drink beer - real ale in England and love sports (actually thats about it). Not into cars or gadgets or things like that. That has the advantage of giving my femme side another outlet when things go quiet in conversation. It really is wierd

[KandisTX]

To be, or not to be.. that is the question..

Yet again, we find ourselves facing this dilemma. While we, what I term as regular CD's, are the ones that need to become more of what the public sees as being what crossdressers are all about. Unfortunately, what the public often sees is the transvestite prostitutes made "famous or infamous" by shows like COPS. These are often times the only interaction the public ever sees of our little corner of humanity and that is how their perception is based on the whole TG portion of society as a whole. They see us as nothing more than homosexual prostitutes or "freaks". They cannot see us as we are and that more often than not is a heterosexual male who just happens to enjoy wearing women's clothing and such. We are not all gay prostitutes, but there are some that are, and that is their thing. However, until society here in the US becomes more tolerant of alternative lifestyles, we along with the rest are not going to receive any of the respect or acceptance that we so deeply crave.

Kandis:love:

[Eugenie]

This is a smart analysis Salandra, indeed, there is something in your comment "Making a statement vs simply being".

Early on, when we finaly come out, it is a way to exist: we want people to know about us, that is the "feminine us". I am still in that phase. I would like every one around to know... It must also be part of my advocacy virus... I want to fight for good things... My wifes often tells me to "Stop playing God..."

But progressively, as more and more people know "Eugenie", I start to move towards "simply being..." Enjoying my feme side as much as I am allowed by my situation.

Thanks for that enlightening post Salandra.

:hugs:
Eugenie

[tamarav]

Beautifully stated Salandra. I am fully in agreement with your line of thinking.

Tami has pretty much taken over my life in an effort to make her splash before the pool dries up. I am more than willing to splash away but realize that I can only swim so far. Must start treading water some day.

Your sis,

Tami

[TGMarla]

That's a very good post, Salandra. We could all learn a thing or two from your experiences. After all, isn't that one of the core functions of a forum, to help with any advice we may be able to give? No one should need to prove anything. Just be.

Sometimes "being" is hard. One tends to wonder why we would have such an affinity for "being" the other gender when we weren't born that way. It's like we were single out for a lifelong gender related punishment. It's a good thing there are forums and support groups available to those who need a helping hand now and again.

But each of us manage in our own ways. Some balance it better than others. And perhaps many of us need to go through these phases and purges and growth stages in order to find that equilibrium.

It's never an easy burden to bear, but most times I'm glad I get to bear it. Especially when I get to "be" Marla.

[kathy001]

"I had this duality and both sides seemed to be in competition for who was going to be the dominant control. I'd been a guy all my life although having this secret femme persona....
I began to question it all. What was I doing? What was my purpose? Did I intend to transition? Was my "guy" life prior to this a total waste and a sham?..
This set the stage for a lot of deep introspection..
I've empowered myself to utilize these feelings any time I see fit, in any way I see fit, in any mode....
The result is who I am today and I'm in a pretty good place...."

Salandra,
this is the best post i've read so far on this forum. I think you speak for a lot of us as you've articulated in words some of those deep dark feelings we all have had at one time or another. I know most of what you said echoes with me also.
We have no choice as i see it to but to accept this hobby, compulsion or whatever you want to call it as its inherent in us and to delete it which is impossible, would be deleting part of ourselves.

Whether this compelling drive we all experience is a Blessing or a Curse, i can't say because at times its a definite curse yet at other times it seems a blessing as the full spectrum of humanity to some degree can be experienced!

[Kate Simmons]

Basically what it comes down to is reaching a state of equilibrium. Usually what happens is that the fact of our birth sex plays a big part in the equation and we seem to feel compelled to follow through on what is considered normal for those of our sex. Some of us however, even at an early age, realize something is missing even though we may we able to do little about it. We then compensate in whatever ways we can and that is why we are who we are. The feelings are innate and powerful. Why is this? Nobody knows really and we may indeed be a new species as Tami suggested even though if you read what Batty posted about TG folks in history it is nothing new really.

Once we have it in our power to do so, many of us will follow through to the extent possible to experience and develop these feelings which can be strange, wonderful and scary at the same time. The need for salmon to swim upstream to spawn comes to my mind and indeed it sometimes seems linked to our own survival as a person. By making these feelings our own, balancing them and managing them, we can evolve into a new and better person and what we are able to accomplish is limited only by our own imagination.:happy:

[shannonsilk]

Another very insightful post. I was never able to go the route of overcompensating that many do, such as military or police or even macho guy. So perhaps I was already in moving towards the middle ground.
When I first joined the forum and read your posts of trying to integrate your two sides I realized that was exactly what I wanted to do. I have been working towards that for a year or so and feel pretty good about it.
Thanks Sal, from Shannon.

[charlie]

When many of us come "out", we feel we have something to prove, I was no different. I had this duality and both sides seemed to be in competition for who was going to be the dominant control. I'd been a guy all my life although having this secret femme persona. When I decided to open up, "she" was determined to dominate everything and be top banana. Not being sure what would happen, I yielded control to Victoria, which is who I was at that time.

I'm not sure where the energy came from, there must be an energy grid we tap into for this stuff somewhere because at 54 I was being enlivened like never before to get my femme life going. I felt more like 24 really. I did the whole nine yards, TG Org, wigs, makeup, all kinds of outfits, get togethers, it was incredible really. I was proving to myself and others that this is who I was--This was me! Trouble was brewing in "paradise" however.

I began to question it all. What was I doing? What was my purpose? Did I intend to transition? Was my "guy" life prior to this a total waste and a sham? Had being married and having a family been a mistake? This left me kind of empty and my femme "victory" it seemed was a hollow one. I had to start re-thinking the whole thing.

What I realized is that I'd never really gotten in touch with my deep feelings and what I had was merely a surface facade of the real me and I had simply exchanged one set of behaviors for another. I understood that while I had felt Rich was phoney, Victoria was really no less so and for all her pomp and prissiness really had to go. This set the stage for a lot of deep introspection and as a result Ericka came into being. A street wise tomboy who wasn't afraid to use some muscle now and then but who was still feminine in her own right. This allowed me to experience all of my feelings in a real no nonsense way and the beginning of the integration of them into my overall self.

The result is who I am today and I'm in a pretty good place. What I have settled into is what I call a state of "simply being", that is simply being myself with nothing left to prove to myself or anyone else. I've empowered myself to utilize these feelings any time I see fit, in any way I see fit, in any mode. Not too shabby really, considering how I started out. I'm not quite sure what the future holds really but I'm sure it will be interesting. Works for me anyway.:happy:
Hello Salandra!
Love your posts. It all makes sense in a way when you spell out where I am now by hearing your experiences. My crossdressing seriously began about 9 months ago. I don't really know why I dress and have the need to prance about. It could be really destructive to myself if it was known in my business and personal life that I was a CD. On the other hand it feels good, satisfies a need that I have and is a whole new persona! I basically am Charles 90% of the time, except when I go on business. Then Charlie is queen! You seem to have an easy time with the two and just accept the moment. A much easier way to live through this dual personality that we put ourselves in.

[Kate Simmons]

Kerwilikers Charlie, I know the feeling. Prancing and dancing are my specialty. Sal is a femme fatale on the dance floor and I really love it. Rich could never do that, right? No way. Yes way. Rich can and does make a fool of himself on the dance floor and has a blast doing it. :heehee:Hell, years ago my wife couldn't even get me to do a waltz at a wedding, now I'm out there burning it up at 60 years old. Tapping into the energy and the feelings makes it all possible. Life is short my friends. Enjoy it it either mode.;):battingeyelashes:

[docrobbysherry]

I have read so many posts about the duality battle between folk's male and female sides.
But I don't get it!

I'm NOT a studley male, never have been. But I don't feel female. I'm clueless when it comes to feelings, relating, thotfulness, etc. etc. I don't ever get a tiny glimpse into Sherry, until I'm dressed, and she appears in the mirror.
We play around, take pics, she satisfies me, and she's gone!

Yet, I AM dressing. It IS a compulsion. I AM crazy about it.
So, it's clear SOMETHING is going on with me. I don't think it is a male female battle. But, I really don't know what it is rite now! Anyone else relate to this?
RS

[Kate Simmons]

I had an answer for you RE my experience RS but when I went to post it earlier, the Forum became inaccessable to me for some reason. It was rather deep though, so maybe it's a post for another thread.:happy: