Do you fear retaliation? Has it happened to you?

[tgirlinva]

I haven't gone in the public yet, but I was wondering if someone (a friend, co-worker, boss) had seen you dressed and ended up retaliating in the form of mockery, laughter, social outcast, or even firing you? B/c I'm thinking, is coming out in public worth all that risk? Do you check this website at work? what if the employer knew? can he know if you watch it at home?

[charlie]

The easiest way that I have found to go out is to go to gay/tg friendly bars. The clients all accept you (and even if they don't they just laugh) and everything is cool. That is worth it. The trips to the bars give you a gauge as to how you look, how you act dressed around others and if you really want to go further then that. After that going to the movies is a good stop. Then the mall during the early morning. I have found that younger teens can be hell. It sent me back to going to bars only! As for coming out to anyone I know...never! Why make the chiding and persecution private, if you can help it! I do check out this web site at work and answer posts (right now in fact). However, I don't share my love of cross dressing or discuss it with anyone except those on this forum.

[Kate Simmons]

Highly unlikely you would be recognized unless someone was specifically looking for you to be in a dress. As far as risk, nothing we do is ever guaranteed. It depends on how important it is to you to go out really and is a chance we all take. We can possibly minimize it however by considering possible scenerios and what we would do if we encountered them.:happy:

[tamarav]

Oh sweety. We have all had the same fear inducing thoughts over time and many of us elders have realized that no one cares..

So what if someone finds out? Just watch what you do and be careful, but the world won't end if someone finds out. Just hold your head up and realize how insecure the other person must be to criticize someone who has a definite direction, like you.

Use common sense, stay alert and go on with your life. Is this the best job you have ever had? Could their be something better?

Besides money, what is the downside to leaving your current job? Think about the future, figure out what you want to do that could possibly incorporate your "hobby" into your work. I figured it out way late in my life and I am making up for lost time, but I would like some of you with a great life ahead of you to start early and really enjoy life to it's fullest.

OK, enough preaching, your older sis,

Tami

[sandra-leigh]

I was wondering if someone (a friend, co-worker, boss) had seen you dressed

One of my co-worker saw me one saturday (perhaps 9 months after I started dressing), as I walked through a park wearing a skirt and femme blouse and small forms. He approached me at work on the Monday and told me he'd seen me, that I had walked right past him, and he made some joke about my wearing the skirt having to do with my scottish ancestry. I said something like, "Ya, something like that." And that was the end -- he's never mentioned it since and if he ever mentioned it to anyone at work, they've never said anything to me. I think he was a bit amused but not offended.

Another of my co-workers might have seen me a few months after that, at an alternative sexuality "ball", that I went to fully dressed. The "people won't recognize you" doesn't seem to apply to me -- people I know casually in drab do recognize me (definitely more than a dozen have recognized me easily.) But either she didn't recognize me that evening or (what I suspect) she didn't see me. And if she had said anything at work, I could have described how she'd gone out on the dance floor at the "ball" in her bra. There is a de facto code of silence at those balls... you don't go to them if you aren't the kind of person to be accepting of a variety of lifestyles.

And as far as I know, that's it. I haven't been secretive about my crossdressing, but I just don't seem to run into my co-workers or neighbours while dressed. There have been a couple of times where I was half-thinking of dressing but didn't, and did see a co-worker or neighbour, so I guess the laws of probability will catch up with me, some day.

[jazmine]

Yes! This scares the HELL out of me, and is what keeping me from going out. Plus possibly having it be the worst case senario...and getting beat to death.
Normally, In my usual everyday guy mode, I don't care What people think of me and what they think about the stuff I enjoy doing(restoring,and collecting Classic arcade games may seem childish to most). People can laugh at me, my looks, mock me, make fun of everything about me.......and I'll laugh too......but there's something about these same people seeing me and laughing at me when I'm my girl-self. I couldn't handle it. I would just die. I don't know why. I sometimes don't make sense to myself(LOL).........

Later.....

[Nicole Erin]

My CD or gay friends I have had in the past have seen me in both modes but only a couple non-CD people that I have known have seen me.

Only you can asses the risks and all that cause you know your own life better than anyone.

And for being laughed at while en femme, I think the true hurt would come from the fact that we would know we have been read.

[tgirlinva]

Yes! This scares the HELL out of me, and is what keeping me from going out. Plus possibly having it be the worst case senario...and getting beat to death.
Normally, In my usual everyday guy mode, I don't care What people think of me and what they think about the stuff I enjoy doing(restoring,and collecting Classic arcade games may seem childish to most). People can laugh at me, my looks, mock me, make fun of everything about me.......and I'll laugh too......but there's something about these same people seeing me and laughing at me when I'm my girl-self. I couldn't handle it. I would just die. I don't know why. I sometimes don't make sense to myself(LOL).........

Later.....

If the picture in your profile is of you, then girl, flaunt it if you have it! You look very passable (from what I can tell). I, on the other hand, can point out a laundry list of what's wrong with me. I guess the insecurity stems from being passable. I think you and I would go out 24/7 if we knew we were 110% passable.

[Suzy Harrison]

I think if you've spent enough time on your looks there's no way anyone would recognise you. I don't worry at all about running into anyone because I just can't see how they could ever work out who it is.

Even when I look in the mirror I can't see my other self -

[Nicki B]

..I was wondering if someone (a friend, co-worker, boss) had seen you dressed and ended up retaliating in the form of mockery, laughter, social outcast, or even firing you?

RETALIATE? What requires retaliation? :confused:

I think you're talking about a symptom of your own feelings, not others..


..Plus possibly having it be the worst case senario...and getting beat to death.

Jazmine - when did you ever hear of that happening? :strugglin


......but there's something about these same people seeing me and laughing at me when I'm my girl-self. I couldn't handle it. I would just die. I don't know why. I sometimes don't make sense to myself(LOL)..........

Perhaps, because you've already beaten yourself up and ridiculed yourself already? :kissing:


If you're worried about this, then surely the answer is to start somewhere anonymous - go where you're unlikely to know people AND FIND OTHER T-GIRLS to go out with?

[Mell_2004]

I went to the cinema in just a short denim skirt and a pair of tights with a female friend of mine. It was early evening and broad daylight. It was quite a long walk. Everyone who saw me just stared. I think people were just amazed that I had the "balls" to do it.

Ive never really had any problems when I have been out on the very few occasions dressed, but I always careful where I go.

I do however always have my nails painted in various colours, usually pruple, red or blue. I have only had one bad experience and that was at a club when a guy was drunk. I have even worked in a shop with them painted and although customers comment, they all seemed to say..good on you, or great for having the guts to do it. All my family and friends know I crossdress, most of my mates have seen me or seen the photos. I have never had a problem with any of them. They all think its great fun and exciting. As for friends I first meet, Im so open about it all they are usually shocked out of making snide comments and realise i am quite a good mate.

Think that covers it all
Mel

[Shelly Preston]

I have often wondered if I would be recognised

I would say most likely it wont happen but it it was a close work colleague the might recognise the car I am driving

Which increases the chances of being caught out

If you use common sense you should be safe

[tgirlinva]

RETALIATE? What requires retaliation? :confused:

I think you're talking about a symptom of your own feelings, not others..



Jazmine - when did you ever hear of that happening? :strugglin



Perhaps, because you've already beaten yourself up and ridiculed yourself already? :kissing:


If you're worried about this, then surely the answer is to start somewhere anonymous - go where you're unlikely to know people AND FIND OTHER T-GIRLS to go out with?

Retaliation from ignorant and narrow-minded people?

There may not have been any high-profile attacks against t-girls but there have been against gays. So what makes you think it can't happen to you?

[sandra-leigh]

Jazmine - when did you ever hear of that happening?

Tina Brandon
Robert Binefeld

http://www.genderadvocates.org/pressrls/IGA_TDOR_PressKit2004.pdf lists 14 others in 2004 alone.

[obsessedwithpantyhose]

everyone who knows me knows i dress :D

if ur at a gay bar and a co-worker walks in and sees u then what is he gona say to anyone with out telling on himself as well??????? HUH?????

as for bein out in public,,the people u come across r NOT gona run out and hunt down ur friends and family and tell on u,,in fact 2 seconds after u are out of their sight they will have forgotten all about u...

[Crissy Kay]

I was in panic mode the other day. Someone requested that I be on their friends list on myspace. I have an id there. Well, it was the owner of a bar that my friend works at. I have known him for years and would hate for him to know of my cding. I don"t really fear any phyiscal stuff, if it came out, but I would fear to go back there. But like others have said here, we look very different enfemm, from our male selves. I think that even if he had seen a pic of me, more then likely, I would not be recognized. Or I hope so!!!!

[KandisTX]

While some of the "fears" expressed on some responses are unfounded, they are legitimate fears that all of us tend to have. Whether or not we are accepted by those around us that know we still always run the risk of being "discovered" by someone else.

One thing that I have found that keeps my "secret" safe is by going to the local BDSM club meetings and gatherings. If you are seen there by someone you know, they are less likely to tell others because that would then raise the question "What were You doing THERE that you saw so and so"? That helps a little bit.

As others have posted, many of us do look quite differant in male mode than we do en femme, which means that in order for them to recognize you they would have to be inspecting you pretty close, or you have not changed one of your mannerizms that is a dead giveaway as to who you are in reality.

My suggestion to help minimize this is to create a total new personality for your femme side, and practice, practice, practice her mannerisms and "quirks" until they are second nature to you and when you go out you "become" her. Hopefully this will eliminate those possible "tells" as to your masculine identity and most will just see the wonderful woman you are projecting on the public.

Kandis:love:

[Eugenie]

I haven't gone in the public yet, but I was wondering if someone (a friend, co-worker, boss) had seen you dressed and ended up retaliating in the form of mockery, laughter, social outcast, or even firing you? B/c I'm thinking, is coming out in public worth all that risk? Do you check this website at work? what if the employer knew? can he know if you watch it at home?

That's a fear most of us have gone through, and a large number of us still struggle with.

I can only speak of my own experience, but all the people who have learned about my x-dressing took it very well.

Like many sisters have said, it is also very unlikely that any one would ever recognize you when you are dressed. They would have to have some suspicion about you, and even then, they would have to be pretty close to you. I've told several times what happened to me in that respect: not being recognized by people even though they knew I was x-dressing.

But nothing that will be told here is bound to make those fears disappear... The change that will eliminate those fears has to come from within...

:hugs:
Eugenie

[Nicki B]

Retaliation from ignorant and narrow-minded people?

But retaliation for what? What do you think you have done to them? :strugglin


There may not have been any high-profile attacks against t-girls but there have been against gays. So what makes you think it can't happen to you?


Tina Brandon
Robert Binefeld

http://www.genderadvocates.org/pressrls/IGA_TDOR_PressKit2004.pdf lists 14 others in 2004 alone.

The point is, against the background of general violence, the likelihood of encountering violence is absolutely tiny - certainly statistically less than when you walk down the street as a man...

Fear can cripple you? I'm NOT saying don't be sensible, but don't let your fear become what runs your life...

This is worth saying again..

If you're worried about this, then surely the answer is to start somewhere anonymous - go where you're unlikely to know people AND FIND OTHER T-GIRLS to go out with?

[deja true]

Nicki, while I agree with you almost completely, Taylor posted a story a little earlier this evening about a transwoman professor at Auburn University who was beaten up by her ex- boyfriend. And Auburn's Transgender Day of Rememberance is in a few days.

The UK and most of Europe is a helluva lot more tolerant of alternatives lifestyles than the 'land of the free'.

Don't mean to bring this thread down, but 'facts is facts'.

(sorrowful) respect

deja

Sweet Home Alabama, my ass!

[shirley1]

i'm gonna stick my neck out now and say i think part of the problem is a lot of us just go by our experiences as guys - we listen to other guys mocking gays/trannies ect its a standing joke for most guys to try and humilite another guy by saying "what are you going to do hit me with your handbag!" but maybe just maybe and i dont know quite yet when you go out dressed knowone bothers you caus they cant really say a lot ! i mean if youve got the confidence to present yourself as a gg even if they know your a guy what can they say to ! your a faggit ! so what i guess people only try and hurt and intimidate people when they think or know they can - i remember when i was about 15 a girl at school tried bullying me saying "you should be a girl" it worked ! but if i'd have come to school the next day wearing a skirt what would she have said ! you are a girl ? shed have probably been that taken back by the fact i'd turned up wearing a skirt she probably wouldnt have known what to say ! yeh i am starting to think more and more its more about the fears we have in our heads rather than what realities really like like - cant wait to find out !

[Shannon CD]

I hate to discourage anyone, I like to go out dressed when I can. But the fact is that it does happen. This story is from a community about 80 miles from where I live, and in fact, I am out there on a regular basis;

California teen shot in junior high classroom taken off life support; classmate charged
AP
Posted: 2008-02-15 16:59:26
OXNARD, California (AP) - A 15-year-old California boy who police say was shot at his junior high school has been taken off life support and his organs have been given away.

Authorities say Lawrence King was targeted this week by a younger boy because he came to school in Oxnard dressed like a woman.

Prosecutors have charged 14-year-old Brandon David McInerney with premeditated murder and want him tried as an adult.

McInerney is jailed on $770,000 (524,738) bail. A medical examiner plans an autopsy Friday.


Copyright 2008 The Associated Press. The information contained in the AP news report may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or otherwise distributed without the prior written authority of The Associated Press. Active hyperlinks have been inserted by AOL.
02/15/08 16:57 EST

[mike47]

I was caught by a co worker once. He never said anything to me at least. He was walking into a gay bar.

[shirley1]

uumm i think where i live that wouldnt happen ! i live in england i dont think you would get shot for wearin a dress over here ! the problem i think with the states is its such a big place (america) i'm sure you have states that you would feel safe in no matter what others not the case ! i mean i dont like mondays but i wouldnt go and shoot people just because of that ! no that could happen to anyone there are nutters (phychopaths) everywhere who would destroy peoples lives regardless of who they are how they choose to live their lives ect - dont see the connection !

[janet1234]

parents may be homophobic; so sad.

[Nicki B]

The UK and most of Europe is a helluva lot more tolerant of alternatives lifestyles than the 'land of the free'.

IME, the USA is not one country, but several. I'm fortunate that the parts I've visited haven't been hard..

But I still think it is too easy for us to let our fear control us?

I said before - be sensible. If you think the attitudes where you live are widely too intolerant of difference, well, go somewhere else to dress - you also have the option of moving (why would you want to live in such a place - Deja :winking: ). And don't go out alone - look how the rest of womanhood behaves?

But quoting individual hate crimes, without the background of the crime rate against non-trans people, to prove that it's not safe to go out - what does that do except create a climate of fear and give control of your life away?

[deja true]

Of course you're right Nicki. I'm just so disgusted and saddened at this type of thing, attacks on T-folks and insulting and degrading portrayals of us in the media, that I spouted off. And that was immediatelyafter reading Taylor's post about his friend Gwyn.

American girls who have the best experiences are generally in the bigger cities, even in the South! But in general, the more rural, the more isolated your community is from the 'sophistication' of a big city, the more hazardous may be your adventures.

As Nicky says, don't take every example of T-bashing as an indication of what's going to happen to you. Judge your own community, your own neighborhood for yourself, but still be careful.

(apologetic) respect & love

deja

[JessieB]

There is an element of risk in going out, but there are effective ways of minimizing that risk, as others have pointed out in this and other threads. The majority of us have been out many, many times in varied surroundings without serious consequence. Personally, I've had a couple of close calls when I've ventured beyond the gay clubs into the mainstream, but I managed to avoid detection by being alert.

As for people recognizing you en femme, I think it depends on what your natural looks are like. Generally speaking, people aren't expecting to see you as a gurl and probably wouldn't recognize you from a casual glance. Then again, I think that depends a lot on your looks, and in particular your face. If you have what I call an "in between" face, then the transformation may well render you unrecognizable for all practical purposes and situations. But if you have a strongly masculine face, no amount of makeup is going to hide the fact that you're a guy in drag, which in itself attracts closer examination, and if your face has a distinctive look, then I would say the chances of you being recognized are fairly good (or bad) if you're spotted by someone who knows you fairly well.

If detection is a concern for you, my advice is to stick to the out-of-the-way venues (gay clubs, etc) when you're close to home and save the mainstream outings for your visits to other cities.

[Lisa Golightly]

You should live your life for you.

[trannie T]

If you are happy staying in the closet then stay there. If you want to venture out into the world then pull up your panties and go! The risk of something bad happening is faf outweighed by the fun you can have.

[Suzie S.]

Well, I've been in the closet since I started crossdressing, with the exception of my wife. I know many of my fears are probably self-induced, but I've always had a big fear of anyone finding out. The only time i've ventured out is on halloween, and those times were mind blowing and lots of fun. It felt wonderful to be out and about. Halloween is a great cover, but as time goes on, I start to get nervous that people will see right through me....I've been doing it too long to fake inexperience a a party LOL! :heehee:

Yes, being discovered by family, friends and neighbors is a huge fear for my wife and myself. I love crossdressing, but not enough to show this interest of mine to the world I guess. :o

[Melora]

Yeah.. In my after Highschool years..
I was found out by my soo called "friends" and brought out to a dessert and got the tar beaten out of me and left out to rott for quite a few long hours...all alone in the deasert, this done by a few ex Friends of mine from high school...Who found out.... :love: I hate them.....Would love to do the same but just cannot do it because I am just too HUMAN......
I may actually tell the whole story some time on here .. It was a bad time of my life.. so I am still getting "over" it.. Soo it might actually take some more time..
Melora/Katie

[Mitch23]

I have walked past a group of colleagues in my little home town and my brother in law, without being recognised. my son in prying, has seen piccies of me dressed and still thinks i am my girlfriend. I try to maintain privacy at my wifes request but am pretty much out to friends and work colleagues without problems. I have never had any adverse reaction apart from a little light hearted heckling from groups of youths which i now find quite easy to deal with and certainly doesnt phase me

mitch

[Joy Carter]

Outed at work, three years of torment lead to a break down and early retirement. It's cost me dearly in dollars, but has made me accept who I am. Had I done so early in my life, I would have never been found out. Things are going good with me for the first time in my life. :thumbsup:

[Nicki B]

..It's cost me dearly in dollars, but has made me accept who I am.

Perhaps you need acceptance of self, before you can seek acceptance from others? :hmmm: