Help please!

[tinkerbell74]

I am posting this(my first) here because I need advice from other CD's and not their SO. I have been married for 12yrs, my husband has always liked pantyhose and a few years ago he started wearing them himself, about 2 1/2 yrs ago it evolved into full fledge CDing (he admitted that he has loved womens clothing since he was a child. I went through the emotions I needed to go through (I never disapproved) to become comfortable with it myself. I accept it 100% and research and encourge his CD. My husband still has insecurity with it, he is afraid I will get tired of it and leave him (never going to happen) I have tried to show my support by doing his make-up, encourging him to name his female persona, asking if "bethany" and I can have a slumber party (paint nails, do hair, etc..) , buying outfits for him as a surprise (I know what he likes, and he has better taste then I do).

What I need help with is what else can I do to help him feel more secure with his CD and to prove that I am in love with bethany just as
much as I'm in love with my DH ,do I have to let him do it himself and just be supportive?

Please any advice will be read with an open mind and heart. I love him more today then the day we married and only want to make him the happiest I can.

[Echo Logical]

Tinkerbell,

Wow, it sounds like you are doing all the things that many CD'ers wish their SO's would do. I have to imagine that with all the things that you are doing to encourage your husband and show acceptance of his crossdressing, that the source of his fears does not lay in anything you are or are not doing. It seems more that his fear is internal to himself and that he needs encouragement to deal with it.

On two occasions my wife and I have sought Marriage counseling, not due to CD'ing, but for all those other communication issues that couples sometimes run into. I found that having a third party to bounce things off of really helped me put things into perspective. I would highly recommend finding a good counselor, preferably one with gender experience.

The male in me also responds very well to plain talk. You might tell your husband that you won't get bored by his crossdressing,but you will get very bored of his constant fear of your leaving, and that he needs to find a way to deal with that. You know him best, so you are a better judge as to whether or not that will work.

Is there a possibility that he wants to go further with his CD'ing, or even transformation? It might be that he isn't afraid of you getting bored, but that he is afraid that you won't accept his next step.

All of the above are just some ideas, but you really need to find a way to get him to talk about whatever the issue is. Maybe find that counselor, then tell your husband that his fear of you leaving has you very concerned and that you want for the two of you to go talk with someone together.

Best wishes to you.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi
His insecurity may stem from guilt as well

It sometimes hard for a CD to accept themselves especially when there partner is so suportive

They feel so undeserving of the support they recieve which is why it makes so hard for them to believe

All you can do is keep doing your best to convince your partner

I dont think he realises how lucky he is compared to some people

good luck for the future :hugs:

[tinkerbell74]

What would the next step possibly be. Im still a newbie with CD.
I hope he is not afraid. We Have great commuication as far as I know and even if he goes extreme with say surgery he's still stuck with me and I have told him so on many occasions.:D

[Alice B]

He has no idea how very, very special you are. Just tell him outright that you love him and accept his desire to dress. If he can't handle that, then there are a whole bunch of us that would give their eye teeth to have you as their SO or spouse. Let him know just how lucky he really is and that he needs to post on this forum, so we can set him straight.:love:

[Jill]

Hmm, well my first impression is that this is more his issue then yours. He's the one with the insecurity and the trust issue here. I really don't think he feels like you're going to leave him because of something you do or something you're doing. He thinks you're going to leave him or reject him because of what he does. And I think he feels that way because he doesn't accept the crossdressing side of himself. I think there's probably a big part of him that rejects that about himself and therefore expects to be rejected by others. I think if you really want to solve this issue, you need to help him come to terms with himself and then I think you will have an easier time with him, less of this negative talk.

I don't think dressing him up and having the slumber parties is what is going to help him feel more secure about it. Although I'm sure he loves that and certainly don't stop. Who knows if he'll ever come to terms with it himself, you may have to help facilitate that and you are probably the only one that can. Is he a member of the forum? Does he correspond with other CD's? That might help him to come to terms with it a little better? To know he's not alone and there are many many many others out there like him.

[Ria]

I think I might have something for you. I'm in the same boat as your husband. It began with pantyhose at a very young age, then came a pair of shoes at 24 yrs, then a skirt here and there. Now I just have more variety of these things. That's as far as I've gone with it. Not that wouldn't like to get completely dressed up (wig & make-up etc). I would love that, but lack of privacy, kids and time alone doesn't permit.

If I was him, and my wife was as awesome as you regarding this I would guess that maybe he told you about it initially so he wasn't keeping anything from you. He believes in being open with you but he didn't necessarily want you to be active in the CDing. He might prefer it to be something he does. I would feel foolish in front of my wife dressed up. I'd feel like a pussy and a wimp in front of her. She didn't sign-up for this I would think.

Like me, he probably enjoys being a guy also especially when he is with you. YOU may throw a wrench into things when he wants to be feminine.

In short, try stepping away from it. If he exposes you to it then be supportive and responsive, then slip away again, off the topic. Let him engage you about it, not the other way around. This is the program I'm working towards with my wife. Maybe it would work for you both?

I highly doubt that transformation is even remotely on his mind based on the info you provided. There wont be a next step! The idea of that is preposterous for me. I'll say that again...FOR ME! (aimed at those who are ready to open fire on me for why it is preposterous) I bet it is for him also.

As for his worry that you might leave him. Make sure his reasons for saying that is due to his cross dressing and not due to another underlying issue or insecurity. That one eludes me a bit. I don't worry about that myself so I'm guessing on that one.

[Holly]

Hi TB and :welcom:! I'm not so sure that you need any help at all. From what you have described, you sound like the answer to prayer for most TG husbands.

I know this may sound trite, but as had been said over and over, communication is THE most important thing in a living, thriving, healthy relationship. You say that your husband has insecurities and is afraid that you will leave him... is this something that he has told you or is it just the way that you believe he feels? If he has told you this, ask him why he feels this way... is there something that you have done or that he thinks you have done to make him feel that way? Not knowing more, it's hard to give much more useful advice. But I do believe that you have part of the answer in your original post... you need to give him the freedom to discover him/herself. But by continuing to provide a loving and nurturing environment, you will do the most good. Encourage but don't push. Love but don't smother. Assist but don't take control. And, as you have been doing, continue to let Bethany know that s/he is the love of your life.

Best wishes!

[tinkerbell74]

He has asked me to help with his make-up and clothes, his female persona "bethany" has on many occassions been involved in our "bed playing" (hope I'm allowed to post that) (also I'm not bi-sexual) and we both enjoy those "sessions" so I dont believe it's something he wants to do privately.
he does have a fear of other people finding out.
He is the one that says he's afraid I'm gonna leave him (he's the only person I've ever been with and this is another source of insecurity with him)

I hope it's not another underlying issue.
And I want everyone to know that I'm the lucky one to have him in my life! He's a wonderful husband, father, and friend

[Ria]

Interesting... Hmmm. I thought I nailed that! Guess not.

You sound great, you're doing the right things, that is to search for knowledge. Make a pact with him, maybe over a glass of wine. That no matter what, you and him will seek out and discover whatever emotional solution is nessessary in order for you both to live in loving harmony with each other. Most importantly, that niether of you will ever give up on this worthy cause. The very act of doing this could move you in the right direction. There are some things in this world that people should NEVER EVER give up on. For you, this is one of them.

I need to take a dose of my own medicine. Dispencing advice is easy, its the execution that is hard hey.

[Angie G]

I'dsay ust keep doing what your doing. Your HD is a very lucy man to have A wife like you. YOU ROCK HUN.
Angie

[SandyR]

Tinkerbell,

I think he needs some space. Give him some time to grow on his own....

Hugs! Hang in there.

SandyR

[Josephine 2006]

You really do not have to prove anything. Your understanding and love seem very clear. The best way for me to relax all of my insecurities is when my wife and I laugh and just have fun being together. Good luck and may you both have the rest of your lives together as partners and best friends.

[Staci]

I can tell you that my wife has known about me since when we were first dating. She is very supportive. We both have agreed to keep it between the 2 of us. I can tell you that there is still a part of me that doesn't feel like she is really accepting. Not that she hasn't said it many times and its not like we haven't shopped together, even for matching nightgowns, but I think there is a part of me that has believed it is wrong for so long that it is hard to conceive that it's really o.k. with her, and quite honestly --- me. I know I feel so good when we have breakfast together with our girl robes/nighties/heels and I usually put on jewelry for breakfast on our weekends. But there is always that nagging thought in the back of my head that men should not do this. I won't quit. With all that said I feel very relaxed when I am dressed as a woman. And she makes me feel like a million bucks with her support. (although I may feel undeserving of it). I think you are doing all the right things. Shopping, Slumber parties, playing, caring, loving him and her. Keep it up. Let her talk when she wants to. You are an incredible woman. Most of all as with all things in life ---- have fun with it.

[tinkerbell74]

Thank you all so much. It helps to hear the CD side of this. I will try to get my husband on this forum. Maybe ya'll can help him in a way I never could.

[Margo Paulse]

Welcome to this forum. You are indeed a VSO (Very Significant Other). Your support is impressive. Your hubby would be most welcome here and I believe would be extremely benefical to him/herto join or at least lurk.

Hugs from Margo

[RikkiOfLA]

Hi Tinkerbell,

For many years, my biggest interest in crossdressing was pantyhose. I still enjoy them, and I'm sure I always will. And like your husband, I felt very guilty, ashamed, and fearful about my crossdressing. Two things changed that gult, shame, and fear into self-acceptance. One was the acceptance by my wife--just like you're doing. The other was going out in public dressed. Yes, she went with me. We picked where we went carefully for that first outing, and we had a wonderful time. But when I realized that there I was, out in public, being seen by "normal" people, and that all my fears (arrest, ridicule, etc) weren't happening, but that people were accepting me as just another person, my negative feelings melted away. I was having the time of my life! Having her with me helped to make that all possible.

You might suggest that to him and see what he thinks. I know until people online talked about how much fun going out was, I never thought of doing it. Going out with another couple (CD + wife or girlfriend) might make it easier especially that first time.

Was it fun for my wife? Yes it was. It was different. She got to see this side of me in public. And I made the decision soon after that I would always try to make my crossdressing fun for her too. That was a very good decision on my part. So I didn't go out socially by myself, or spend money I shouldn't, and I was not unfaithful. But even beyond those things, I tried to make it fun for her too. We did things she would enjoy also.

Hope this helps!

Rikki

[Roberta Llyan]

My initial reaction is to be supportive. That is the best you can do for him or anyone else. They have to do most of the rest themselves. For security is an inner thing and not something that we have outside of our Selves.

Though I may be new to THIS forum I am not new to CD. So I speak from my limited knowledge and trust you will accept my reply kindly. Know that I support you and your SO in all you do and hope for the best for you both.

Have a wonderful weekend.

[mishelle379]

what a lucky man he is

[Alana65]

I love him more today then the day we married and only want to make him the happiest I can.

To me, that statement says it all. If I had the "divine luck" of having an SO as loving & supportive as you (I currently do not have an SO in my life), I would have to pinch myself every second of every day to prove to myself that I wasn't dreaming. As the others have said already, let him proceed at his own pace & keep being supportive. He'll eventually see that he has nothing to be insecure about. Girl, you are 1-in-a-million !

:hugs:

Alana

[teresa jeen]

when all things seem down and your not feeling good about things yall need to do what real women do GO SHOPPING!!!

[MJ]

well i think it's "her " comfort level you are amazing but i feel your DH needs to be around you as "bethany" and you both need to well bond more like build up a trust level , as maybe "bethany" is shy . insecure about herself .
if you can be there for her "bethany" needs more time . and over time become at ease with you .
i can see you love your S.O very much she need time to adjust . IMHO
and Welcome to the forum :hugs:

[Katelyn]

Perfect. Don't change anything. Let his level of comfort come to your acceptance. Love the name btw.:D

[highheelqueen]

maybe you could try having another wedding this time he's the bride and then maybe he'll wake up on his honymoon and relize he's one lucky cd

[Emily Ann Brown]

I'm gonna agree with my sisters who felt maybe he can't believe you are so accepting. Sounds like you have done your share dear. Just love him and let him deal with his insecurities.

Emily Ann

[susan2010]

Good Lord! You sound like a saint. It sounds like your husband isn't sure how far he wants to go. I'd suggest you try therapy IMPORTANT: with a CD knowledgable and sympathic therapist. I hope you can find and afford one.

[tinkerbell74]

I finally got my Dh to join the forum. You can read his post in the new members section "bethany38"

[Marvina Martian]

It is very good you got her to join. She will find that she is not alone and that there is a ton of support here!
My wife is much like you Tink, she is very supportive and we love doing things together.
After I got over my fear of discovery and of going out we are having the times of our lives. We have been married for almost 14 years and feel as much electricity and closeness as we did when we were newlyweds.
Something that really helped me to come out of the closet was this site and actually going out to a CD club with some friends that I met on here. Once I saw the other gurls I instantly became more at ease and comfortable with it and with myself. Not to mention that it is just plain fun!

Another thing you may want to check into is your local chapter of Tri-Ess. They are centered around family and are very supportive. Although most are quite a bit older so it can be a little boring to some after a while, depending on your local group and your ages. But they are mostly very caring and supportive as well.

I think that the best thing for her is to show her that there are others out there just like her and it is OK to be who you are. ;)

Good luck and if you ever need anything just PM me!

XO

[Sandi jo]

I agree with my sisters,your husband is a lucky man,tell him he is and just keep talking to him.I will go read his post now

[RobertaFermina]

Dear,

You can support him because you love him.
Let go of any notion that your active support of him will make him feel comfortable or trusting of your support.
Support him by letting him feel uncomfortable or tentative or fearful about his crossdressing, and/or about your support and faithfulness.

In short, love and support him unconditionally.

let him sort out whether or not to believe in your amazing love.

If you need him to respond to your efforts, he may realize your "need" and feel a need or obligation to fulfill your "need". That might explain how he doesn't fully trust your support.

...and by the way.....

:hugs: YOU ARE AMAZING! :hugs:

:rose: Roberta :rose:

[Jamie14]

Can you come to my house and teach my wife how to try tht hard? Tht would be awesome cuz I'm not getting much of tht around here.........Jamie

[laceyjessica]

omg do you have a sister. my wife is totally disgusted with Jessica and would like her to die,lol i am just contemplating going out for the first time and just wish i had a wife or gf just like you. I want someone to be there to help me pass i want to be successful in public as a woman. Your the Best maybe he is just not yet ready

[StephanieH]

Hey Tink, sounds like you're doing great. Only have one thought for you that might help reinforce/encourage him. Actions speak louder than words. If you want to show him you like the female part of him, surprise him every so often with something nifty - a pair of heels, a skirt you thought he would like, a nightie, whatever. The point is, you're away from him and you're thinking about him - the thought and effort will be appreciated as much as the gift.

Have fun with it, take care and God bless! :D