Whats Should I Do

[laceyjessica]

I have been dressing for a long time really never accepted it myself scared to death someone might find out and i would not be passable to pull it off. I married wife found out after two years is disgusted and has never accepted it. Recently she outed me to my Dr who is a woman who set me up with a therapist my wifes plan. Lately she has been very distant we have not slept in the same bed or had sex for 6 years. I dont want to loose all my material things house car etc... or my kids. But my wife does not talk to me much anymore i am alway preoccupied(mostly with the thought of passing in public and pulling this off)Where do i go now i am scared if i drive myself out of the house i will be lonely, will i have the same urge to dress, will i dress more. I am just so confused. She did say if we divorced wshe would make it known to everyone that it was my fault because I am a crossdresser

[Angie G]

I'd think dressing would be the least of you problems right now hun and maybe you wife could use A Therapist as well. :hugs:
Angie

[TGMarla]

Sorry to say this, but you need to let go of the material trappings and the fear, and decide how you want to live your life. Get divorced. She's your wife, not your roommate. You are allowing her opinion of you and your activities to decide your life for you. You say you don't want to give up this and that, but these are things that you can build again for yourself over time. Life is too short for you to live each day the way you are living them. You need to move on and achieve a life of your own.

The house? If you lose it, you will be compensated. The kids? They are yours as well as hers. Do you think it does not affect them that you and your wife are at such odds with each other? You're worried about lonliness, but how lonely are you while living in the same house with her? You're worried that she'll out you? So what? You can tell everybody that it's her fault for being such a soul-killing %@!#!. Fear of her telling everyone about your little crossdressing habit is a poor excuse for maintaining a situation where you trade your life for a little shelter.

Just get out. You need to realize that your life is worth something more than what you are doing with it, and getting out of it. Good luck.

[laceyjessica]

omg you are so right i just dont want to hear it or beleive it. I am soory i did this to her, i should have told her before we married but during our relationship my crossdressing was truely on a break,lol

[Nicole Erin]

Just secretly start planning a divorce now. Of course things don't always go as planned but do something...

If there are any really good divorce attorneys, talk to as many as you can so your wife can't go to them. Some attorneys offer a free initial consultation

You also need to plan on how you will deal with things socially when your wife blabs to everyone about your CD'ing. YOu will probably need to make new friends in the community. CD's are the best friends we could have cause we understand each other.

ALSO, when you ARE rid of the wife, she might try to come crawling back to you, DON'T take her back.

Learn as much as you can about tricks your wife might pull to screw you over in the divorce so you can fight back.

[rickie121x]

.... She did say if we divorced she would make it known to everyone that it was my fault because I am a crossdresser ...sounds as if your wife is the one that needs the therapist!

But really, you are in a very difficult situation: IE. losing many of your material possessions and a partner in life who is only pretending to be a partner, versus starting again with your self respect and the ability to live a whole life with the possibility of finding a more accepting partner - they are out there, I am told....

I would not pretend to offer you advice on how to conduct your life's path - but I could share some of my own travails. I was married and and then divorced around 1968 after she was not able to live with my "dressing". Since then three separate nearly 10 duration year live-in arrangements have dissolved, again with dressing as a partial cause.

Now, my life has blossomed and faded in wonderfully grand style several times, each with excitement, pleasure, and disappointment -the stuff of which life is invariably composed. But it is now fairly clear that had I managed to stay married in that first instance, the balance of life's "stuff" would have been heavily on the side of disappointment and with very little excitement and pleasure. I am so glad that it all happened the way that it did!

Even though I am quite old, I have the excitement, delights, and pleasures of dressing - and with occasional spicy elements with a new lady, from time to time, although not so often anymore. I am now 73. Fifteen years ago it was really fun and very hot! Wouldn't have missed that for the world!

And possessions can be replaced.

Rickie :chatterbox:

[Pamela Julie]

For one thing, get a new doctor that is understanding of crossdressers. Second only see a therapist if you feel you need one and then find one that works with transgendered clients. Crossdressing is not a mental illness or illegal, however societies views of us sometimes leads to depression which is a controllable. The most important thing is to accept yourself as a wonderful person that has the right to dress as you please. It sounds like your wife is setting you up for a fall, so it is time to get prepared by having professionals on your side. In most states, assets are divided down the middle. When children are involved, she may get the house for now but have to sell it and split the proceeds when the children are of legal age. A judge can order her to not reveal personal information about you or your marriage to anyone, see a lawyer about this.

[TGMarla]

I am soory i did this to herI know you want to blame yourself, but there's likely a lot of blame to go around. So stop apologizing. We crossdress. We're not serial murderers. Hold your head up, remember that you're a decent person, and start taking charge of the situation.

[laceyjessica]

thanks everyone I am so glad i put a post on here today maybe this will give me the push that i need i really appreaciate all the help

[Joy Carter]

Can you handle the kids hating you for all time ? You need to get into therapy with one who works with Cd's. Then get your wife to come to a session, after you are comfortable with it. I myself would take any amount pain, just to keep the love and respect of my kids. Best of luck lady. :hugs:

[Deborah Jane]

Hi Jessica!! I was in exactly the same situation as you when i split with my wife in October 2006 [a trial separation she called it.] We were together for 27 years.
Well since then i,ve started rebuilding my life slowly, i still see my 3 kids even though she told them about my crossdressing. My daughter aged 15 isn,t bothered by it and has spent time with me in my new place and seen me "dressed" [her idea]. My 13 year old son is completlely unbothered by it as long as we still do "lads" things together and i,m not sure my 6 year old son really understands [none of us talk about it in front of him].
I,ve spent some time in therapy with a gender friendly therapist who has helped me a lot with this and other issues from my past.
At the moment i live in rented accomodation and "dress" whenever i please, but i am planning to get my own place later in the year when the sale of the marital home goes through.
My ex also threatened to "out" me to everyone, but after i explained that the kids would probably also be affected by everyone knowing and it may have negative outcomes, she backed down.
At the moment there are still many things to sort out in life but in some ways i feel this was for the best now.
I hope this helps you see that sometimes no matter how bad things seem, they can work out for the best eventually...:hugs:Debs

[deja true]

There's some great advice here, laceyjess, and if you'll notice, virtually no advice to try to get back at the b%^&*..! She's torturing you. To retaliate like that brings you down to that level.

The advice on seeing lawyers NOW is, I think, the most important. If she is threatening you with divorce, it would not surprise me if she has already done so to help form her own battle plan.

Another thought... Can you remember your (female) doctor's reaction to your wife's accusation? I think if it was at all derogatory, you may have a case against your doctor. A doctor is supposed to be as impartial and non-judgemental as a lawyer. If she seemed to be colluding with your wife on the insistence on therapy, there is something wrong with that professioanlly. Indeed, if your dressing has no connection to any physical health issues, it's none of her business, unless you initiate that discussion.

If, on the other hand, your doctor seemed sympathetic and offered (not insisted on behalf of your wife) to refer you to a therapist (and you agreed), it mght be worth going back to her for a more private consultation and ask for her help in some way. You need as many allies as you can get.

We only have your side of this story, so we offer advice based on your point of view.
We know this issue is probably consuming you. It's heart-breaking. But keep in mind what many here are telling you. Stuff is only stuff, all replaceable. Your kids, if they are old enough, probably cannot be poisoned aginst you for ever, if they know you love them. And, your own sanity and mental well-being should come first.

We're all pulling for you, sis.

respect & love,

deja

[jaina]

This woman is doing you no good.
Pay the courts, take your lumps and get this woman out of your life and never let her back in, no matter what it takes.

[Holly]

...But my wife does not talk to me much anymore i am alway preoccupied(mostly with the thought of passing in public and pulling this off)...Well I hate to be a wet blanket here, but Jessica, based on what you said above, it'[s not too difficult to understand why your wife is behaving distant to you. By your own words, you are so preoccupied with your cross dressing that you have left little time for her. It's not reasonable for you to expect her to be happy about that!

There's more wrong with your marriage than your cross dressing. I'm sure she could have reacted differently, but you have as much or more responsibility than she does in this case.

Ultimately it will be up to you and your wife to make the call as to what will serve you and your children best. The one thing that I know is looking to blame the other partner is never the right call.

[laceyjessica]

you all have great advice and i will say this is my side of the story, so to defend my wife she never asked for a crossdresser husband and has commented that if she would have know would have never maried me, but is here for better or worse but I am only allowed to wear panties, but this comes from a woman who at her bachlorette party did not know what a dildo was,lol. I love her but i want her to have the life that she wants

thanks holly i dont blame her matter of fact i blame me. I should have told her i had tendencies before we got married maybe i would be totall a woman now and she would be happy

[jennifer41356]

Hi Jessica!! I was in exactly the same situation as you when i split with my wife in October 2006 [a trial separation she called it.] We were together for 27 years.
Well since then i,ve started rebuilding my life slowly, i still see my 3 kids even though she told them about my crossdressing. My daughter aged 15 isn,t bothered by it and has spent time with me in my new place and seen me "dressed" [her idea]. My 13 year old son is completlely unbothered by it as long as we still do "lads" things together and i,m not sure my 6 year old son really understands [none of us talk about it in front of him].
I,ve spent some time in therapy with a gender friendly therapist who has helped me a lot with this and other issues from my past.
At the moment i live in rented accomodation and "dress" whenever i please, but i am planning to get my own place later in the year when the sale of the marital home goes through.
My ex also threatened to "out" me to everyone, but after i explained that the kids would probably also be affected by everyone knowing and it may have negative outcomes, she backed down.
At the moment there are still many things to sort out in life but in some ways i feel this was for the best now.
I hope this helps you see that sometimes no matter how bad things seem, they can work out for the best eventually...:hugs:Debs


Debs, what an inspiring story, I think everyone who has a S?O and is having problems read your story, there is always a tomorrow and things can and do get better:thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup:, good for you

[docrobbysherry]

I think your issue is how to handle the CD issue. Here's I handled it when my now ex tried the CD blackmail tactic on me.

I told if she really did tell everyone I CDed, I would tell them I did it a few times because she was Bi and we were trying to spice up our sex life. (A complete fabrication, by the way!) And now that we've split, I think it's pretty funny she's saying that!
She's never told a soul, and I'm in the closet, so it's still my deep, dark secret years later! Turns out she's actually gay, and came out in 3 years! Who knew?

If u plan to stay in the closet, u mite try that, or something similar! If u plan on coming out, well, soon mite be a good time for that!

[heidi99]

Hi, Jess!

I am so sorry for your situation (not very dissimilar from my past and, it appears, several others' pasts.)

It appears that you've at least accepted some responsibility (not having been up front about it during the courtship), and that is admirable. Take that knowledge and do better next time.

It sounds like the marriage is pretty much gone (no sex, not talking, disgust, etc.) But I find it kind of contradictory that if you leave her (divorce), she'll tell all (kind of blackmailing you to stay in a bad relationship.) Not sure what that's about.

Your plan should probably be damage mitigation. Slowly disintegrate your finances from hers (if possible.) Consult an attorney (and yes, it is probably a good step to tell him what she might blurt out in court so your attorney isn't caught by surprise.) Start stashing your belongings in a safe place. A huge part of this is perhaps coming up with a pre-emptive "I'm a crossdresser" plan to tell those you still want to maintain contact with. If it comes from you, then you get to choose the means, moment, and manner of the disclosure rather than she. If you divorce and she follows through on her threat (to those you've already told), her true colors will be clear to them, ya dig? It doesn't mean being in their presence dressed, but rather just levelling with them and saying, "Hey, I've got something heavy to lay on you, and hope it won't affect our friendship. I'm a crossdresser." Most people want honest people for friends, and I've found that most people say, "Yeah, no problem."

When my marriage started to sour, I told those that I cared about because she would have blabbed in the worst possibly way. And lo, things worked out great. Divorce sucks, but the key is to SURVIVE it. And learn from the past. Something I'm still working on. :2c:

[Colleentg]

I went through pretty much the same scenario. But there was too much pulling to my own happiness, no matter the risks. What I did was move away from the pain, new city, new location, job, etc. To make matters worse, my daughter was brainwashed so badly, she never wanted to see me again. It's been over nine years since. That's the only continuous pain.