trying to relate

[icequeen]

The love of my life just confessed his deepest darkest secret to me 3 days ago. He is a cross-dresser, he loves women's clothing, underwear, the whole works and has 5 huge tubs full of women's clothing hidden in a closet in the house we live in together.
I'm ok with the fact he likes women's clothing, and the I'm honored that he loves and trusts me enough to share this secret with me. My question is...why and how does this happen, I just want to understand and be able to relate to him. I have major body issues too, but in a whole different way, my problem is, he has clothes that are gorgeous and stuff I've always wanted to wear or fit into, but I'm a lot "larger" than him, so now I find myself depressed knowing he looks better in women's clothes than I do. What do I do?

[RacyTraci]

Take it slow.
Talk about it.
He may not be able to talk about it.
Talk about it with some of the other gg's here.
Why & how? Hmmm thats subjective....
Determine where YOUR boundaries are with it.
Talk about it some more.
I think it's a journey for all of us.

[Stargirl]

You can try to change what you don't like about yourself. You sound like you are headed for a good life. Your willingness to accept what he's expressing opens a door for you to blossom, as well.

[debbeelee1]

Crimson, this is a great place to learn. Another is A Secret Garden. Check them out too!

[occdresser]

first of all there are a ton of guys out there that have a ton of womens cloths, second of all I'm surprised he told you at all, I did not tell my wife for fifteen years, she seems to be ok with it for now, as long as I never dress when she is around. Ok-what to do, well as most crossdressers know this is something that just doesnt go away. if you are really in love the best thing to do is understand that this is sort of like a disease that doesnt go away. As for the cloths, if you like them that much and they dont fit-go buy your own in a size or to larger.

1 more thing-if he goes out and buys some cloths please dont pitch a fit that he shouldnt spend all that money on that-it is definately a hobby and I hate when my wife does that.

[Carroll]

My question is...why and how does this happen, I just want to understand and be able to relate to him. I have major body issues too, but in a whole different way, my problem is, he has clothes that are gorgeous and stuff I've always wanted to wear or fit into, but I'm a lot "larger" than him, so now I find myself depressed knowing he looks better in women's clothes than I do. What do I do?

The how and why are questions that we are always asking our selfs. There are theory's that state genitics, up-bringing, whether you where the oldest, youngest, etc....

As far as the body issues, do not be depressed. When I started to dress in front of my wife we wore the same size. Now she wears something like a 22 and me an 18. She sees my dresses as a goal to fit into. My goal is to drop down to a 16 and keep her working at it. Of course for my wife it is currently more of a medication issue the caused the weight gain. I do not know your story as for as weight, but perhaps you can look at it like my wife does. She may not fit in my dresses but she loves to dress me up. At first my wife didnt like it because I looked better and had bigger boobs!

Carroll

[MJ]

welcome to the forum
you say :- why and how does this happen
well i believe we are born this way . i truly feel we are hard wired in the womb . some of us have it worse than others .
also :- "I find myself depressed knowing he looks better in women's clothes than I do. What do I do? "
well i was a very big guy . but i order to look a little better and to fit in to some nice cloths i change myself a little .
i am nobody special if i can then you can too

[docrobbysherry]

CDing can mean many things. Don't jump to conclusions as to why your SO dresses. As others said, it's not likely to go away entirely.
However, there is a reason, a need, that he is addressing by dressing up.

If it's sexual, it mite be that sex between u two has cooled. If u embrace his female side, u mite find things will warm up in your bedroom.
If u reject his female side, he mite start to roam to find someone who will accept her. Or in my case, I'm so involved, lust wise, with my female side, there's little room for a real GG rite now!

Or, it may be one of a hundred other reasons/needs! U need to talk about it with him to find out!

[waspookie6]

Don't forget to check the Loved Ones forum only because more GG's (birth gender female) post a lot of the same questions. You can probably find quite a bit in there that may help as well as this thread.

Why & How: nothing specific as in Mom wore a lot of make up or anything like that, most love the feel of clothing (we have it good as women!) and really admire how women can be so diverse with make up, a nice top, skirt and heels. It's the highest form of flattery there is!

Understand & Relate: sounding like a broken record - talking and much more talking between the two of you will help sort it out. I had no clue at first, now I get it but only after months of talking.

He looks better: no, he really doesn't :heehee: I mean that in the way he loves you no matter what or how you look and thinks you look better than he does. You could be green and he'd still think you look better than anyone else on the planet, the rest of us don't have that luxury as we don't live with you. (good thing, it'd be a huge house!)
MJ shared a different way to approach this if you want but I think you and your husband have a lot of talking to do first.
Your husband has the best answers, really, because he loves you so much and you love him back so much. :happy:

[icequeen]

I guess he says he has been this way since he was about 14. He does not like men, I had to ask because now I have fear that he would leave me for another man. I'm just very insecure, I love him, despite all this and I'm not going any where no matter how scared he is. I'm in this for the long run, I want beautiful babies with him and I want my future with him. I just have major body insecurities....over last few years with bad relationships and such, I gained a lot of weight because of depression...I'm up to a size 15, and he wears a womans 7! I will never be that small and I'm afraid he won't love me because of it. :(

As for the dressing up part, I'm ok with it, in fact for the first time last night he dressed up like a woman...a cute lil short dress...bra, panties, the whole works, and we made it into something fun and had amazing sex, I guess I'm just trying to deal with all of it and understand him and all of it. I've never known anyone that did this, or they never told me they did. How could I live with him and make love to him everyday and not know this side of him? Can we still be a happy normal couple?

[Kate Simmons]

Hon, if I had the answer to the question of why we do this, I'd be a rich man. I've been doing it for well onto 48 years now and still don't have a clue. As MJ said I think we are born with it. The best thing we can do is accept it and make it work for us, which many of us have done. As far as men looking better, don't take it personally. We just make better prima donnas than women do.;). Anyway, stick around, there is a wealth of knowledge on this Forum and a lot of good people to boot.:happy:

[deja true]

Yes, babygirl! Stick Around...and read those Loved Ones posts! All the GGs here have gone through what you are going through and there are scores, if not hundreds of them. What a great resource for advice.

Get familiar with the way the Forum works and feel free to post publicly of send Private Messages to speak privately with anyone you feel has an answer for you.

Two possible scenarios for now:

Your loving husband is probably over the moon right now with your acceptance,so he may start acting a little full of himself. Be patient and keep talking. Or, he may want to withdraw a little bit from the confusion of it.. These seem to be the most typicalresponse.In eaither case, be patient and keep an open line of communication.

Good luck, hun!

We're always here too. This joint never closes!

respect & love (for understanding and tolerance),

deja

[icequeen]

Like I said, it's ok...I accept the cross dressing? I guess I just need to know that it's just something you do, and it doesn't mean he is going to end up liking men instead of me or something. I am scared of not being the one he really needs. I've been through hell in the last few years, and this man means the world to me, I don't think I could handle losing him. I want to be what he needs, what he wants and I just want to know what I need to support him so he loves me no matter what...and that he knows I love him no matter what.

[deja true]

"...I am scared of not being the one he really needs."

chrimson... he needs you now more than ever!

Nothing scary here, just funny lookin'!

deja

[Sara Kat]

Why does this happen?

That's the billion dollar question!

[waspookie6]

Like I said, it's ok...I accept the cross dressing? I guess I just need to know that it's just something you do, and it doesn't mean he is going to end up liking men instead of me or something. I am scared of not being the one he really needs. I've been through hell in the last few years, and this man means the world to me, I don't think I could handle losing him. I want to be what he needs, what he wants and I just want to know what I need to support him so he loves me no matter what...and that he knows I love him no matter what.
Hon, it isn't you or anything you have done! :hugs:
While I wouldn't say it's an exact number the majority of cross dressers are monogamous. It is the *first* question we gg's have and so many still don't believe it at first - our husbands would have left us for another a long time ago instead of telling us they are cross dressers.

Your husband trusts you and loves you, its why he finally came out to you! :)

Hang in there, take a bit of time to read some of the posts in Loved One's forum and see what we all posted as our first as well. Same questions, great insight :hugs:

[AbbyN]

Like I said, it's ok...I accept the cross dressing? I guess I just need to know that it's just something you do, and it doesn't mean he is going to end up liking men instead of me or something. I am scared of not being the one he really needs. I've been through hell in the last few years, and this man means the world to me, I don't think I could handle losing him. I want to be what he needs, what he wants and I just want to know what I need to support him so he loves me no matter what...and that he knows I love him no matter what.

Chrimsonfyre, I'll add a few comments. I came out to my wife of over 10 years only about a year and a half ago. She too was ok with it, but for the last year I've been worried that she will change her mind at some point and leave me. I am also a CD that has no interest in men, and she means the world to me. I couldn't bear to lose her. For me, it's just about the clothes. Slowly but surely I'm getting more comfortable with the fact that she really does accept it. She even surprises me every now and then with new clothes. It's made me one of the happiest people on earth. So here's my point. Significant others that are accepting of this behavior are rare. Although I don't really know his situation, I suspect that if you really do accept him and he knows it, there's a good chance you have him for LIFE. I'd be more worried that he'll making himself sick thinking that you might leave HIM! My advice would be to stop worrying and focus on continuing to develop your relationship.

Abby

[Jilmac]

Chrimson, I can't tell you if there is a cause for any of us who crossdress, but I will tell you that I first wore a dress and panties at age 7 on a dare. I had three older sisters with plenty of clothes to experiment with. I started dressing seriously at age 15, and have been doing it on and off all my life. I'm inching up on 63 now, and I'm dressing more now than ever before.

I was married twice, and told both SO's before we ever tied the knot but neither of them approved, so I was forced into a life of deceit and shame as I continued to dress. If you are ok with your spouses dressing, I praise you for being supportive. Please don't be discouraged by the difference in size, style, and attractiveness between your husbands femme clothes and yours. Perhaps you and hubby can shop together and find clothes which compliment both of you.

It took the death of my wife to be able to dress when and where I desire, and I have a new SO Who knows I dress and doesn't stand in my way. She isn't ready to see me en femme and I won't force myself on her. I'm just greatful that she isn't trying to change me. I told her from the start of our relationship that it will never go away. Perhaps when she is ready I can come out to her en femme. If she's never ready, I will continue to dress and feel good about it because I don't have to hide anymore.

I sincerely hope you and your husband have can continue to have an open and honest relationship. Welcome to the forum, I hope all the sisters here can help you on your journey into the world of crossdressing. Luv and :hugs: Jill

[O2B Barbara]

While I am not entirely sure of the reasons for dressing, it may be different for all of us, I can say that it is not a result of anything due to my wife. I have dressed in one form of another since I was 7-8 years old. It is a part of me that I can not change, believe me I did try for many years.
If you can accept his dressing look on the bright side, when you want to go shopping he will be very ready to go along with you. It also makes birthdays, Christmas and special days easier fro you to shop for him.

As for him looking better, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I doubt that he shares the opinion that he looks better than you.

[icequeen]

all of you are so kind and thank you for helping me, I just know I need support from others to know I'm not crazy for loving him despite this "fetish" as he calls it. From my understanding so far it is about the clothes and not much else, he love shopping and he thinks womens clothes are so much more beautiful then mens. In some respects I agree, I just need to adjust to the idea of seeing my sexy man dress like me from time to time.
I guess I just need support. I want to accept this and keep this amazing relationship going, to grow together and be like we have been over the last 6 months...I need help and just want to feel like I belong too.

[O2B Barbara]

You have found a place to be welcomed and supported for the both of you. Nothing but caring and supportive folks here,

Hugs

[sandra-leigh]

my problem is, he has clothes that are gorgeous and stuff I've always wanted to wear or fit into, but I'm a lot "larger" than him, so now I find myself depressed knowing he looks better in women's clothes than I do.

You mention in a later post that you are size 15.

I am a crossdresser, and I wear about the same size you wear -- size 14 or size 16 for most things, and for some things I am up to an 18 or even 20W. But I find some very nice clothes. It isn't quite as easy as dropping in to places like Victoria's Secret: it takes a bit of looking around and trying things on; but the main reason that I look good is that I wear my nice womens' clothes with pride. Some day I will lose weight, but even now, my biggest single fashion accessory is my smile.

One of the reasons, by the way, that it takes patience and a bunch of looking around to find clothes for me, is that I am competing against a lot of women! More than one local retailer has told me that the most common sizes for adult women in my area are size 18 and size 16. The consignment boutique I visited again yesterday loves to get in size 14 to 18, because clothes in those sizes fly off of the racks, whereas some of the very nice clothes she has in size 8 sit around for over a year. Her primary market is "career women", not impossibly slim college students, and she does a brisk business; some of the more exotic pieces stick around for awhile, but there is lots of new stock in our size range every time I go in... which only happens because the old stock goes out just as quickly. It bears remembering that as a consignment store, she wouldn't have that stock in our size range if there weren't a lot of women in our range around bringing those clothes in. We are not alone in our size range -- there are entire chains for our sizes, and they would not survive if they did not get steady business.



why and how does this happen

since he was about 14.
No-one really knows why or how it happens, and the best guess so far appears to be that there might be several groups of causes (in the sense that the cause for me might be different than the cause for him.) But if he says that he started at about 14, then he's probably telling the truth about when he first started experimenting, though the idea or tendency might have been with him for years before. Starting experimenting a couple of years after puberty is quite common; though some of us here have clear memories of being confirmed crossdressers at age 3 (not me, my experimentation started about the same age as his.)

There can, though, be a big difference between experimenting at a young age, and becoming a crossdresser. I gather that a lot of young boys experiment with momma's clothing -- it's there, momma is beautiful, what's it like to try it? But for most boys, it ends there, and there is a big difference between that and being an adult and feeling comfortable wearing women's clothing, the more so for wanting to wear it in public. My light experiments as a teen were vaguely interesting to me, but not nearly as important in my mind as getting a-hold of some Playboy: it wasn't until ~30 years later that I suddenly one day had the thought that I would like to wear womens' clothes and that I wanted to wear them in public. (Yes, in the meanwhile I had liked to look at nice womens' clothes.. on women!) What happened in that 30 years to bridge the gap between light adolescent experiment and something that was to turn out to be important to me? No-one knows.

[teresa jeen]

it really doesnt matter your size or his. its a mutual understanding that this is what feels good to me. i love you as you are, he's not preteding to be anything but himself. love him, commfort him, and enjoy the best to come..

[badkitty667]

Oh honey I totally understand. My girl wears all of my pre-pregnancy clothes and smaller. I hate her! Hehehehe... j/k. She looks awesome and one thing I have noticed, she doesn't look at herself and say wow, my butt is fat or my arms don't look good. I envy her because what she sees is alllll sexy. I so wish I could be that carefree.

I don't know why it happens, I think its probably different for everyone. My girl just happened to really like dressing up, even as a child. No real reason, just enjoyed it.

This board is great, read around and ask questions. I just started my journey as well. At least its not boring!! :hugs:

[icequeen]

So there are different levels of cross dressers? I mean like...for him he doesn't appear to go out with others dressed as a woman or anything, It's more like a by day he's a man, by night at home he wants to be a woman when it comes to being naughty in the bedroom. Maybe it's more, and he's just not comfortable revealing more yet, but I just want him to know I accept him for who he is. The whole he looks better in a dress than me, that is my insecurities...he tells me every day how beautiful I am, that I'm his pretty girl, that he loves me, etc, but I've always had major body issues. I just got to deal with the size I am and hope that some time I can look as good as he does in a dress. :)

[Sarah Plumber]

I can imagine the way you must feel about yourself. I have wife who also has big problems with her body. It sometimes causes all sorts of problems at home. Please believe us when we say you look good. We mean it and a crossdresser will know the difference I can tell you!

He will be feeling scared as well. Embarrased and guilty all at the same time. he will need reassurance as much as you do. If you work together and talk about it anything is possible. Take it slow and maybe buy him something femanine. It doesn't have to be clothes to make it count. It's surprising how much the little things work, certainly for me. Just recognition helps a lot.

Yes there are different levels as with everything. becarefull you don't push him further than he is ready to go or you may find the situation reversed. He'll think your'e a bit odd!

I hope it all works out. It sounds like he his a very lucky guy!

[Emily Ann Brown]

My GF is larger than myself.....doesn't mean she isn't beautiful to me.

If he told you he is a CD then it's a great sign he REALLY wants you forever....most of us just don't tell the world that we are not like the majority of men (and thank God for not being like the majority of men BTW). He must trust you explicitedly. Relish in that trust.

Sex and gender are two separate things dear. If they were one and the same then there wouldn't be gays and lesbians. Assume he meant what he said about liking women sexually and relax. And if he did want to be with sisters then don't assume he desires a sexual relationship with them. I love being with sisters.....I don't have to be anyone but myself around them, and they understand me because we have a commonality.

Emily Ann

[Nicki B]

So there are different levels of cross dressers?

Sadly, some people do treat it as a hierarchy.. :sad:

But yes, we are hugely different in the way we need to dress - frequency, what we wear, where we wear it (and who with)... This is a broad community? :)

[RikkiOfLA]

Dear Chrimsonfyre,

You raised several important questions. I will share my answers to them, but of course your answers may be different. I'm no expert here--this is just my own experience. Your boyfriend's and yours will be different.

Why does he do it?

As you can see, most crossdressers have no idea why they do it. I do know why I do it (probably doesn't apply to him). And it doesn't really change anything except reminds me to accept my CDing, and that it's not my fault.

I was born in 1949. My mother was 40 when I was born, and had miscarried twice before me. She was given "an experimental new drug" called diethylstilbestrol (DES), a synthetic estrogen, that helped prevent miscarriages. As was discovered later, it sometimes caused boy babies to be born transgendered. That's what happened to me. It was taken off the market in the USA in 1954. It was sold in some third world countries for years after.

I'm not bitter about it; I enjoy being transgendered and it's sure better than being a miscarriage! :winking:

Where will it go?

Of course, everyone is different. Most crossdressers--about the same percentage as other men, are heterosexual, and married crossdressers who have accepting wives have statistically lower divorce rates than average. So, will he end up gay? Unlikely. Will he end up a transsexual? This happens to about one in a thousand crossdressers. So what he says in answer to these questions you can believe, I think.

I went somewhere different. I'm a full-time crossdresser. That means I dress full time as a woman. I don't take female hormones and have no desire for surgery. This is quite rare. I know of three of us on this board (out of about a thousand members?) who dress most of the time and I've known a couple of others in my life. I can still dress male if I need to or if it's easier. But like others have said, most crossdressers don't even want to go this far--they're quite happy being male most of the time.

The bedroom is a great place to dress! It's still my favorite place. It adds a little spice to making love, and a gives a good reason to dress sexy/lingerie/****ty/fantasy etc. For both of you, if you like. Visit stores like Lane Bryant, Torrid, and Ashley Stewart. They carry adorably cute/sexy clothes and lingerie in your size!

Going out dressed together is a blast! If he ever wants to try that, you will probably enjoy it together. In most cities there are nightclubs that welcome crossdressers (and their wives). Few wives go, unfortunately. So when you hit the dance floor together, you will really turn heads!

Shopping together can be real fun. Each of you can help each other pick out attractive, pratcal, good fitting clothes. And if he goes dressed, you can share the fitting room. He can go in and out bringing you additional things to try. And if the nearby fitting rooms are empty, you can secretly make out in the fitting room. :devil:

Your body issues

So having a crossdressing boyfriend can help you deal with your body issues. He probably won't be as hung up on your imperfections as an ordinary man might be. And he's more familiar with female clothes. He can suggest cute things you can look good in--believe me, there are lots of them!

Is he likely to leave you? He'd be a fool! Acceptance like yours is rare and valuable. He probably knows this already--you may be the first person he has ever told, and you are probably the most accepting person he has ever/will ever meet. He'll think twice before he leaves you or cheat on you!

Be creative and loving. Your acceptance of his crossdressing opens the door to an even better relationship! Enjoy!

Sincerely,
Rikki

[icequeen]

Wow...thank you so much, all of you. I'm just still trying to deal with the reaility of all this and I'm scared. Scared of losing the one man I've loved more than any man in my life to another. i guess only because I don't understand completely yet how this all works...when you've never been around it or known of it except hearing about it on tv or something, it's something the average person finds odd or out of the norm and automatically make you think he likes men. I guess I am blessed he felt he could tell me and share, he says only one other person knows, and that is his best friend bubbles. I accept him, I'm not going to leave over this, I just need to learn to understand and not feel threatened by all this. I want to be the woman he loves forever, no matter what. I want him to want me...