Looking for advice from transvestites, and others that can understand.

[Kayla_CD]

First off I'm using the term transvestite as I heard it defined on this site a little while ago: someone who gets sexual pleasure out of dressing, this is their primary reason for dressing.

Let me tell you my situation really quickly. I'm in my mid-twenties, I live with my parents, I have a steady GF who I could be very comfortable and happy with for a long long time, and I'm bi-curious. Wow, that was a really quick summation.

Here's how my dressing fits into the picture:
- When I dress it is alone
- I want to share it with someone
- When I dress is when I have feelings that would be bisexual or gay
- I do not want to share my dressing with my GF as I like the way we are now

I am at a point where I don't know what to do. My GF is wonderful, but being with her means that I will never explore my bi-curiosity (I only ever once before kissed a man). But if I give her up to explore that side of my self, is it going to lead to emotional emptiness. I've put my dressing on the shelf before, I think I could do it again. But what if those urges come back five, ten years from now and we're married. I cannot cheat.

Or is it more than just my dressing? Jitters about committing to a woman who could be forever and giving up all of the bachelor lifestyle?

I realize there's a lot in there, and no real driving point or question. But any sort of feedback or sympathy or anecdotes that could help me think would be really appreciated. The only thing I don't want to hear is to tell my GF, that's out of the question.

[gretchen_love]

If you plan on spending a long time with this woman, you should be open and upfront with her. She deserves your trust if she is going to trust you with me intimate secrets. just my thoughts but i too have a GF who i plan on spending a while with, and she knows and supports me, and getting over that issue has been very relieving because it is one thing you don't have to hide from her. But i would say take it in stages.

[Emily Ann Brown]

Oh it will come back dear....trust us old gals on that one! Tell her now, telling later is a crap shoot at best.

And as far as those other thoughts....maybe what you want is really acceptance and a willing sex partner, not necessarily a male one. Just my 2 cents.....spend it wisely.


Emily Ann

[Tamara Croft]

- When I dress is when I have feelings that would be bisexual or gayI've read this so many times on this forum, the thing is, do you really think, if the opportunity arose, you would go ahead and actually do it? I honestly believe it's a fantasy - being treated as a woman, being made love to like a woman etc etc... but when it comes down to reality, many do not actually do it. You need to really think about this, if this is something you really want to actually do and if so, is your girlfriend really worth giving up for something that could just be pure fantasy?

[slamddoger]

you need to tale her so she have the right to say or leve . if you wate till your marr. it could get bad for both of you.

[Roberta Llyan]

If you are SERIOUSLY AND GENUINELY wanting to spend a long time with this girl, you had best tell her now before you find out it is too late. Openess and honesty are the best things you can do for it allows her the chance to KNOW you are trusting her. And TRUST is vital to a biological woman. If you ever lose her trust, you lose her. So be honest and tell her.

I know you don't want to hear that. But there are many things in life we don't want to hear and have to face anyway.

As for the rest, if your desires are such that you want to cross-dress and want to have gay sexual experiences, then it will last and it will not go away. It might be good if you began referring to yourself as bi-sexual rather than appearing to be "straight" in public.

I am no longer one who supports hiding it. Since I came forward, I have completely and totally let those who I consider friends know. And I've been accepted by them all. It is a freeing experience unlike any other you will ever experience. And my bi-sexuality has not brought me any problems. But has allowed me to be FREE!

That's my 2 1/2 cents worth.

[Kate Simmons]

Only you can answer that question my friend. It's worth the investment of time and effort to get in touch with your feelings and find out what is really more important to you.:happy:

[Kayla_CD]

I appreciate all of the quick responses, but I said that I am not willing to tell her. I feel it will put an unneeded stress on our relationship, I also have no desire to be with her while dressed. It is a matter of giving it up for her or exploring further.

Also, this is not a mere fantasy, if I were not with her I would be going out to clubs and experimenting with that other side of my personality. I've done that before when I was single, I just don't tend to be single very much.

[Fab Karen]

If you can't be honest with your gf, then there isn't hope of a happy long term relationship ( this isn't limited to CD issues ). You could have a casual one that way, but not a deep intimate life-partner one.

[charlie]

I guess first you should find out if you are bisexual, gay or straight. Only one way to make that determination. If you try a sexual tryst with a man and decide you like it, perhaps all thoughts for your girl friend will fade. If you feel real uncomfortable having sex with a man and don't like it, well you have answered that question. In any event you should tell your girl friend what you actual sexual feelings are before marrying her. If you are bisexual, she should have the option of staying or not. If she is marrying a heterosexual CD that has no reason to cheat, she is in no danger sexually/medically at least. If you decide to become gay, she should know that as well. I guess it comes down to what is fair to your SO. You must decide.

[Ressie]

I'm wondering how long you and your girl have been together. It sounds kind of serious except you're thinking more about your desires than hers. If I were you I'd stop dressing for a while. You need to get out of your fantasy mode for a while so you can think clearly. If you've been taking any drugs stop that too.

Once you come down start looking at men on the street and try to look at them as sex objects. Yes or no? If yes, tell her the truth and move on.

[Kieroney]

Well, sounds like my situation alot, problem is I told her later, she is still having problems with it, but if she truly loves you she will try to understand and stay with you, I cannot say that my outcome will be a positive one, the longer you do not tell her of the cd, the more you will hold it against her when you cannot express yourself to her like that, I get unforturnatly upset and look at my wife as a barrier, that is holding me back, not good, trying to fight what you want, will not go away. Do you not feel empty and alone when you dress by yourself without her anyway?

[docrobbysherry]

Jeez, Kayla, your CDing is NOT your real problem.
R u ready to settle down and have babies and support your new family? No? I thot not.
THAT IS THE ONLY REASON FOR A BIO MALE TO GET MARRIED!

Most Bio males r not ready until after age 30. I don't think u r the exception.
I wasn't either. Even tho I thot I was. It's called "immaturity". I know, that word stinks. But, what it really means is:

U haven't tried out everything yet and u don't know who or what u r.

The only way to find out the answers, is to ask the rite questions.
Only u know those questions. Now, go get the answers! U have plenty of time, don't be in such a hurry.

Another "old dude" that's been all thru this stuff! Still don't have all the rite questions! Much less answers!
RS

[Nadia-Maria]

... your CDing is NOT your real problem.
R u ready to settle down and have babies and support your new family? No? I thot not.
THAT IS THE ONLY REASON FOR A BIO MALE TO GET MARRIED!

Most Bio males r not ready until after age 30. I don't think u r the exception.
I wasn't either. Even tho I thot I was. It's called "immaturity". I know, that word stinks. But, what it really means is:

U haven't tried out everything yet and u don't know who or what u r.

RS

I find it a good analysis and a good advice.
Obviously << your Cding is NOT your real problem >> as wrote Docrobbysherry.

IMO, at the moment you appear more as a TAKER than a GIVER.

I would advice you : First, leave your parents’ cocoon. Don’t be a parasite. Earn wholly your living, and live by yourself.
Try experiences that have appeal to you in order to better understand who you are, and what you want to do of your life. Then you will be able to decide which goals to aim at in life.

But you will have to understand – the sooner the better - that to « get something in life you have to give up something ».

If you want to take control of your life, you will have to do clear choices, and accept all the consequences of your choices.
If you aren’t able to gain control of your life, you will end being unhappy and making very unhappy your close related ones, I'm afraid.

Hugs

Nadia

[Kayla_CD]

I would advice you : First, leave your parents’ cocoon. Don’t be a parasite. Earn wholly your living, and live by yourself.



I really do appreciate the advice and I can take the harsher comments because I did put myself out there to be judged. But, this is a leap that is unfounded and hurts me, whether you meant it or not. To set the record straight, I am in no way parasitic. I am saving for my down payment and helping my parents both financially and physically. The only reason I mentioned that I live at home was to say that I have very little time to myself.

[Sugar]

Hi honey, no judging or stone throwing here. My thought's are...before getting married to someone that you haven't given a clue. Find out for yourself who you are. You should go out and have some experiences so you'll know without a doubt. Sometimes fantasies will set you free, sometimes not.

Good luck with it,

sugar

[Samantha B L]

Hi Kayla, I think we've met in the threads a couple of times. I'm a CD and really, I have been most of my life and I'm 51. My primary pleasure in dressing is sexual and I find it to be wonderful but I also do it sometimes just for relaxation and just to be dressed for a few hours and be with freinds and just do stuff like drink coffee and loaf. I think I look OK with a LOT of assistance from freinds with clothes and so forth but I'm not passable. I suppose I could be passable with one of those CD makovers I've seen on TV and read about in the forum but time will tell. So I guess I'm in part a transvestite. I do not consider myself to be gay or bi but I made the mistake of coming out as a CD to a freind of mine who had a tendency to brag about things like having rich freinds and big plans of all sorts. I got sick of his boasting about things all the time and I put it to him that I wanted him to buy me some wigs and dresses that I had my eye on since he was going to be coming into so much money anyway with his rich freinds and his wild schemes.


I found out he expected me to do certain things and it took me awhile to get rid of this person. He was very large physically with a lot of implied violence all about "kicked that sucker's ass,by gawd" which had kept a lot of the people who knew him and grew up with him buffalo'd. There's nothing the matter with being gay or bi,but actually this guy was completely straight yet when he found out I was a "TV" he expected me to fill certain needs. I was a little bit intimidated of him. Eventually,I got rid of him.

Kayla,I don't mean to lecture you. You've been the recipient of some harshness in this thread. But if your going to spend years and years with your girlfreind maybe you should tell her about your dressing. Your probably sick of hearing that by now I'm sure. But you never know she could be totaly receptive. I've had relationships with women who turned out to be completely CD freindly. And the strange thing is I never could've imagined it!

One last thing then I'll shut up. It's just an opinion but there's nothing the matter with being 25 and living at home. I don't think. Crossdressing or Transvestitism is not caused by funny psychological quirks in your relationship to your parents or neither a lot of childhood trauma. It's probably caused by nuerological and hormonal stuff that runs in familys!

[sandra-leigh]

I guess first you should find out if you are bisexual, gay or straight. Only one way to make that determination. If you try a sexual tryst with a man and decide you like it,

A sexual tryst with a third party while you are still in a relationship with someone else? :lame:

Ya don't go around having trysts with people without the knowledge and permission of your SO -- and that includes knowledge of the gender of the other party. If that requires telling them about your secret, then you tell them about your secret. Or you break up with them first before your experimentation.

[Andine]

Tell her Kayla !!

If you don't then you will be living a lie!
The following applies :-

" Why get married? ... just find a woman you hate and buy her a house!!"

About 3 years ago my Ex dearly beloved came to me after 20 years, 2 kids , and a bit of growing apart, to tell me that she had found someone that she was interesed in.

She had not done anything about that at the time, and I believed her, because I know her.
I gave her my blessing to go out and have fun with her new found friend. That relationship has since blosomed and she has been having a great time, and now resides in Singapore.
We are still good friends, and exchanged Emails and conversations most days. We have now moved to being financial partners, and borrowed $460 000 for investment purposes, which we could only do together. Our wills are in each others favour so that the kids will get looked after. She could have avoided telling me anything at all, but that was not her way. We could have given away about $200,000 to the lawyers as others have done. Instead we are friends.
By the way ... I'm 65 and have had many reationships thru my life ( I was always a sequential monogomist)

My friend .... trust is of paramount importance!! There is nothing more important. If you are going to lie then forget it.

Regards

[staxscd]

above and before you explore your sexuality .
If you could imagine spending your life with your current girlfriend then maybe you should tell her that you are a CD, there are two possible outcomes 1. she walks and 2. she explores and helps you with your CD side.

I would think that you would be more happy with a supportive SO

but then again i do not know you.

hope that helps.

[DawnRodgers]

Well honey, if you think that telling her now might cause some problems, what do you yhink it will do after 2,5,10 years of marriage. It is more than likely that, if you really enjoy crossdressing now and also like the sexual feelings it gives you and would consider a sexual laison with a man, chances are it is not a temporary thing but is somethign that will be with you all of your life. So whether you like , or wat, it or not I would advise that you sit down with her and tell her. It is the only way to clear the air and proceed on a footing that cxan result in happiness for both of you. Bite the bullet, You may be pleasantlly surprised. Else stop and try to forget it. Very hard to do.Just don't treat the lady you think you want to spend the rest of your life with that way. It is always tougher after marriage.
Dawn

[RikkiOfLA]

Dear Kayla,

First off, I have to say something you may not want to hear. In fact, it might make me very unpopular in my own community (transvestite crossdressers). Oh well! Here goes:

Forget the myth that you only find men attractive when you're dressed.

You are, like over 50&#37;, of the adult populace, bisexual. For the record, that includes me. There are two reasons you only think you find men attractive when you're dressed.

1. You first started noticing that men are attractive when you thought of yourself as a woman.

2. You have only given yourself permission to notice them when you're dressed.

Why don't most bisexuals own up to the truth about themselves? Inhibitions! Our society has powerful taboos against homosexuality, of course. And we internalize those taboos as inhibitions. When we question our own gender, we start to question those inhibitions as well. I think that's a good and healthy thing. It means we're freer to make our relationship decisions based on what we really want, rather than primarily based on what society demands of us.

If you want to be able to be in an honest, committed, monogamous relationship (a worthy goal, in my opinion), you need to accept the truth about yourself. After all, you no longer have your inhibitions to "protect" you against the attractiveness of men. Just throw on a dress, and suddenly, some of the men in the world become cute! Well, that dress you're wearing doesn't cause them to suddenly become cuter. And it doesn't change your brain chemistry all that much.

Can bisexuals be monogamous? Oh yes, we can, same as anyone else. Once we get over the initial shock of self-discovery. A relationship for us isn't loving a perfect idol, it's loving a unique individual. If something were to happen to my sweetie, I have really no idea who my next relationship might be with. Could be a man, a woman, or another crossdresser. Or a transsexual. My sweetie's health is great; I'm not interviewing new candidates at this time. :tongueout

But I did recently go through just this process. My wife of 28 years died of cancer. She was diagnosed a year before she died, and unfortunately, the cancer had already metastasized (spread through the blood stream to the rest of the body). I knew her death was inevitable. Accepting that was hard. I knew I wanted to be faithful to her until death, and I was. But I also knew, as did she, that it was healthy to have occasional thoughts about who my next relationship might be with.

And here was the good part of being a bisexual transvestite: Knowing this about myself freed me to choose someone based on who they are inside, not what they look like on the outside. I chose somebody wonderful, rather than a "trophy wife." We started to have feelings for each other before my wife passed away. But we both wanted to be faithful to her, so we did nothing physical until after her death. And in fact we waited until the grief had begun to subside. The first time we made love was magical and wonderful, as it has been ever since. It's different than it was with my first wife. But just as beautiful. And it would be just as beautiful regardless of my new partner's gender or orientation. Or mine. I'm in love with a person, not an ideal. That's a good realization to be able to have.

Kayla, if your girlfriend is going to truly love you, she needs to love all of you. That means she needs to be able to love the bisexual transvestite part, not just the heterosexual male part. And if you're going to truly love anyone, all of you (the bisexual transvestite part, not just just the heterosexual male part) has to love them. The difference between lovemaking and sex is that lovemaking, especially for the transgendered, requires intense concentration. Our arousal is different from men. It involves being turned on by ourselves as well as our partners (in different ways, to make it even more complicated). Our orgasm is slower, as slow and subjective as women's. Yes, we trannies sometimes "fake" orgasms, just like women do. Actually, fake is not accurate--I really mean that we reach an incomplete orgasm sometimes. Love makes the lovemaking beautiful nonetheless. Sex with a stranger, without orgasm, is just frustrating.

I know this is a lot to think about. I've tried to be very honest with you, beyond the cliches, to help you make the right decisions here. I haven't tried to tell you what's right for you; only you can know that. But I know real love requires real honesty.

Hope this helps.

Blessings,
Rikki

[Nicki B]

R u ready to settle down and have babies and support your new family? No? I thot not.
THAT IS THE ONLY REASON FOR A BIO MALE TO GET MARRIED!

Sherry, with respect... The only reason for getting married should be that you've found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Other reasons tend to mean the relationship won't last?

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I believe you should go into marriage with the expectation that it will be for the rest of your lives.. :hmmm:

[JessieB]

I for one would be very offended if I found out the person I love hadn't been honest with me about his sexuality and gender identity. If you're that sneaky, I feel sorry for her.

First, you better figure out just how serious your bisexual interest is before you commit to serious hetero relationship; and second, if you think your CDing won't become an issue between you and her sooner or later, you're nuts -- or at least kidding yourself. Ah, the folly of youth ...

[shirley1]

i dont feel attracted towards men while dressed as such - but do get turned on by reading cd erotica stories bordering on bisexuality - i think fantasy and reality really are seperate things that sometimes should stay that way - i would say tell your partner what have you got too loose she may be accepting - god i'd love to meet an accepting gg ! it would resolve a lot of issues and insecurities i have within myself now and for the future !

[Jazzmine]

Well you're lucky about one thing, you're not married yet so you have time to explore yourself sexually, without ruining someone else's life.
I'm not being cynical.

The only way you can truly explore your sexuality once you have raised the "bi" question with yourself is to go out and try it on. The question will not go away until you've come up with an answer. It's your move next.

I can think of three options for you:
1. Tell your gf and let her in on the real you. You'll risk everything of course, but it is her life as well as yours you are now playing with.
2. Explore your sexuality in private while still with your gf. That's very bad karma in my book. Don't do it!
3. Stop seeing your gf and jump into free sexual exploration. If it feels good, do it! You can also try gender exploration while you're at it. Dress full time, yay!

OK, very simplistic, but I think your dilemna needs to be brought down to a course of action fair to all concerned.

There is one more alternative... I guess if your imagination is brilliant you can imagine yourself in each of the above scenarios and live the life for a few weeks in each. See which one fits. You might need to do some research on gay/bi lifestyles though, as I haven't the foggiest idea where to start with that one!

Go to it girl!

Hugs Jazzmine

[TSchapes]

1. Tell your gf and let her in on the real you. You'll risk everything of course, but it is her life as well as yours you are now playing with.


I agree whole heartily Jazzmine. I told my gf before we got married. My thought was that if I'm going to live with someone for the rest of my life, she would have to be minimally tolerant of my full personality. Even after doing that, there have been compromises and negotiations on how I will express myself. But that is what being married is all about, compromise. It is so that both can feel comfortable with one another and allow both people to grow.

Life is too short Kayla, use the teacher in you so that your gf can understand the entire you.

Truth and Love, Love and Truth are inseparable.

-Tracy