How real is it to you?

[Kate Simmons]

Many of us feel great when we are dressed and sometimes extend that feeling by going out shopping, clubbing, TG meetings, get togethers or whatever but just how "real" is the whole thing? Some of us speak of a femme "persona" that is created when we do this and this is sometimes separated from our "guy self" and has it's own distinct set of feelings. We have to do the "guy thing" in the real world and sometimes cannot wait for "girly" time and anticipate the opportunity to follow through.

Just how real is the whole thing though and how much does it mean to you to finally get this "quality" time to feel a bit freer? From my own experience at least, it seemed initially like this was a fantasy adventure I was living and I tried to make the most of it because I knew that sooner or later I would have to return to being my old drab self. While I was having fun, it seemed like an exercise in futility sometimes, not to mention these feelings sort of "sprung up" on me and I felt I had to act them out and in all honesty it did feel like some kind of act I was putting on to convince myself and others of who I was. I got tired of that after awhile and felt a bit like I was going in an endless circle. Besides I felt like I had very little control with this and was not comfortable with that.

What I began to do was actually get in touch with the feelings and virtually live them to my best ability and I began to see that the external representation was really a reflection of part of who I was inside. These feelings can be tricky sometimes and indeed a lot of them rub against the male "grain", at least according to society. Men cannot look pretty, men cannot act happy and have fun, men cannot express their emotions, it is unbecoming for a man to act feminine in any way. Is it? I challenged that BS and began making the feelings my own and after awhile was able to express them in either mode.

By integrating them into my overall self, I am able to access them any time I want and am none the worse for wear. Sometimes Sal has the need to be "masculine", sometimes Rich has the need to be "feminine" and it's no big deal for me any more one way or the other.

My presentation is always a matter of choice and I enjoy being myself in both modes. While the "glitter" part is nice and indeed does give both myself and others joy, it's not necessarily required to enjoy things.That is how real all of this is to me and it's my true nature to be this way as a person and not necessarily as a "man" or a "woman". If I have learned anything at all, it's that the real key to this is to always be myself.:happy:

[Joy Carter]

Salandra, as real as my mind will allow. Which brings up the only negative thing about being transgendered. See, in my mind I have always been a woman. I stay as J--, because I have attachments in life, that I started long before I knew who I was. So I put this persona on of the female, I feel I was meant to be. Can you imagine the JOY I feel. Even though it feels like I'm stealing moments in time. Time that could be best spent with family. I feel truly happy when I dress. But the depression that come after is only sweetened, by knowing I can be what truly I am again, without the guilt I once felt.

[RacyTraci]

Even though it feels like I'm stealing moments in time. Time that could be best spent with family. I feel truly happy when I dress.

Ditto. There's a tranquility there. (We all know what I'm talking about.)
Is it real? No. But the feeling is genuine.

[TGMarla]

It's not very real to me, in a sense that it doesn't become my reality. I don't go out anywhere, and I therefore do not assume an alternative persona. At home, I'm free to just be myself. When dressed, I don't run around and play football, but neither do I knit or crochet, or pursue any stereotypical girly activities. I just enjoy the moments as best as I am able to. And like Joy, I feel that this is the way that things should have been to begin with, so I just enjoy my femme time, and put it away when it's time. There are times when it's quite frustrating to me that my existence does not allow for me to just "be" a woman. But that's the hand I was dealt, and I'm not among those who will choose to play out that hand by altering the deck, so to speak. I'm not going to surgically alter myself in order to live my everyday life as a woman. So while it can get a little obsessive at times, it is never very "real" for me.

[deja true]

"...and began making the feelings my own and after awhile was able to express them in either mode.

By integrating them into my overall self, I am able to access them any time I want and am none the worse for wear.."

This is the key to what Sal is talking about in this post and in many of her other thoughtful submissions. And I'm beginning to get it, big time!

We all have ALL the elements of the male and female mind within us from birth, nay probably from conception. Together they make up the total concept of "human". But from the very beginning of our existence, Nature is pushing us toward one of the poles of a male or female existence, first through chemical and physiological changes in the womb and continuing after birth with our cultural training by our parents and peers, based upon the physical evidence of our bodies. (This happens to 99.9% of us. Unusual circumstances in the womb or genetic anomolies cause Intersex folks to begin their existence from a different starting gate.) Very few are ever permanently stationed at the extreme ends of the male/female dichotomy. And from the beginning of our lives on earth we are always searching for "the half that got away".

For 'normal' males, that search takes the form of looking for a mate, another person that helps to fill the need for the 'feminine' part of our lives. Many do find that person and commit to them. You hear many happily married people say that their spouse is their "better half". Many think they've found that other person and find that they're mistaken.

For some of us, eventually, the search isn't outside of us, but inside. For some reason, we've come to believe that the 'feminine' is even closer than a close companion, it is an intrinsic part of our own being. And the search begins again. I'm beginning to think that the compulsion to dress in the trappings of the opposite gender is a sub-concious hint that our search for the 'feminine' that will make us whole beings must then take place inside, if we have been unable to find enough of that quality in another person.

Salandra is as far along in this unity of male/female as anybody I've ever communicated with. And like zen masters (who are looking for this same thing but using different terminolgy) she has found that the sexual aspect is not really the most important definer of total 'humanness'. In fact, it may be one of the least important. It's just that our societal acculturation, our upbringings, the modern western world around us, all tell us that our sexuality is the main definer of personhood.

Feminine gestures, feminine looks, feminine activities are the indicators of our search for completeness, not just 'femaleness'. So, deep down, these outward expressions are only the symptoms, not the goal of a psychological struggle. Integration of feminine thought patterns into our
lives as men is what we really need. And, just as Sal is finding, recognition that the assumption of the trappings are only a waypoint on this journey, is a giant step in becoming a whole person.

( Wow! I sure get "out there" before that second cup of coffee!)

respect (for the search) & love (for the searchers),

deja

[Kate Simmons]

What I finally realized Deja is that nobody really gave a damn about who I was trying to become or who I wanted to be except me. I would never reach my goal of self identity from outside sources and seeking "approval" from others, which in a lot of cases seems downright nutty in itself. I mean who doesn't like going out and "passing" or be more or less tolerated and sometimes accepted? Most of those people don't know me or have to deal with me however, so it's short term satisfaction at best. To be really real and effective, you have to establish an identity that won't fade away in the breeze after "fun time" is over and this is why I was seeking something more long lasting that would hold up.

I realized that if I was ever really going to be in charge of my own destiny, I would have to get it together. I do not seek "permission" from society or anyone in it to be myself any more. I control the reins and determine the direction I want to go. I am in a position to do this however while many are not. Self empowerment can be scary and is not for everyone though and each and every one of us has to make that determination for themself. It's what works best for me.

[Nicki B]

I find this a strange question to ask myself.. I'm Nicki, in whatever presentation - it's not dressing up, per se, although I do enjoy 'dressing up', in both modes, for special occasions?

I think it was very important for me to dress a lot so that being seen as a woman quickly became ordinary and felt totally natural.. Does that ring any bells with anyone else? :strugglin

[deja true]

"Does that ring any bells with anyone else?"

I wish it could have, but given my situation, where I live and the people around me, I've never had the chance to go out en femme ever. Nor share my interest with anyone.

I envy many here who regularly go out without problems and particlrly those who have been able to live full time. And this Forum has allowed deja to at least live vicariously through their adventures.

Had I made different choices a few decades ago, and had the support of even just a few of the thoughtful folks, male & female, that I've met here, I'd be living an open life as the person I should have been. That person may have been male, may have been female, but definitely would have been a whole person without the problem of choosing which of my 'personas' was going to be the flavor of the week.

Only now, with the help of intelligent discussions like these and the examples of numerous people here, am I able to begin that process.

In all my years of dressing, hiding, lying, prevaricating, I never chose a name for that alter-ego. I think now that that was a hint that that person inside didn't need a name because it was always me, not another. And I, like Nicki, am just me, in any presentation.

respect & love (for unity of spirit)

deja

[charlie]

As usual Salandra you are our grounded sage. You are absolutely correct when you say that the only person we can convince is ourself. And from your posts, Sal and Rich have done just that. You are now just who you are in any costume. I'm not there yet. I'm still full of awe when I look down and see my pretty dress and nylon covered legs sticking out where I'm used to seeing only pants. I get turned on by seeing painted nails, heels and lipstick on my drink straw...etc. Yet, I know that the people around me still for the most part, just see a guy in a dress! A nice dress and outfit mind you, but still just a CD.

[Charleen]

In the long process to get where I am today, and still on the path, I can state that I'm me. There ain't no sides. I wear the clothes that fit who I am. Seeing as how I know I'm Lily even if I hasve been called Charlie all my life, I happen to wear woman's clothing as I feel more comfortable that way.

[Patrice]

Wow, Im in awe. Salandra has succinctly laid out a concept Ive been wrestling with since I started trying to put my pieces together. My Crossdressing has never been about being someone else, its been more about using an external stimulus to contact elements missing from my persona, a meditation aid in a sense. Yin/Yang is real, a truth more than a philosophy and sorely out of balance in the American culture. I feel that by gaining balance and stability in my own life, maybe I can add to the general balance. There isnt really a question of how 'real' it is to me, they arent girl clothes, their MY clothes - and if I never do more than underdress in public this wont change.

Salandra eloquently described the destination, I just have to determine my personal path to get there.

[teresa jeen]

Salandra you've hit the nail on the head! I'm printing that out so all who ask can be informed. I'ts who i am. not how i am supposed to be. given, i wasnt around to make the rules!! why should i parade around in camo, and not paisley??

[Kate Simmons]

Another way to look at is that we are who we are because we know who we are and in that respect we create our own reality for ourselves. We renew ourselves from micro second to micro second. It's neuro and biological feedback plain and simple. It's more than just looking like one or the other, it's being and doing. For instance, when I am Sal I am using that module in a very real way to myself, I feel, I do, I am. The same thing when I am Rich and even though my feelings are all integrated I can still express my overall self using these enhancments. It's actually not less, it's more because I feel like a total person and not a part of one that needs to be separate.

In every day life, we all wear a lot of different "hats" and each "hat" has it's own unique specialty. We are the husband, the father, the coach, the worker, the mechanic, etc. When we go about performing a task, we pull out whatever particular specialty is needed to do that and accomplish the task. We do not think of it as "Joe the mechanic" did this, we say WE did it. This is no different in that respect and as Mr. Spock would say:"Simple logic". The end result is the overall enhancement of us as a person and this is what makes it real.:happy:

[Nikki A.]

Deep post and very relevant. Yes this is part of who we are and it manifests itself in some ways even when we need to supress it.
On the other hand when I can trully be dressed, there is a part of me that feels an inner glow, a comfortableness about it. You noticed it yourself and commented that I looked very relaxed for someone who was previously in the closet. I just wish that I had more of an opportunity to be Nikki.
Soon, when the kids are off to college my chance will come. Maybe then my feelings will change and there will be more of a blend.

[Kathleen Ann Trees]

I'm not a grounded sage like Salandra. I'd like to be, but it ain't in the cards for a while. Too many "responsibilities". That translates to satisfying other people. Whether work or home or friends or community.

But for me, as I dress, the more feminine I become, the more real it feels. The feelings when being shaved, wearing make up, having hair on my neck and cheeks, painted nails, the weight of breasts, jewelry dangling, and walking in heels, all makes me feel more real.

Best of all is behaving like a woman. The way I carry myself, and even my thought process seems to be different.

That's how it happens for me.

Kathleen Ann

[Littlej10]

What is "true"? You can only be true to yourself, accept who you are and be the best person you can be.
In my brain I have always been "me". The way I act, roles I play, depends on the context and the need to survive without conflict in different environments. As I have grown older and have been able to make environmental choices it has become easier to act closer to the inner me whatever dress mode I am in. There is still a great deal of pleasure in dressing in pretty clothes and making up plus a degree of artistic satisfactiion if it goes well and I think I have achieved my best level of "pretiness". I was fortunate in my work place where many of my more feminine actions were accepted and to have a good friend and colleague who "toned me down" when I was overdoing the "fem". Even my wife who is violently anti CD has accepted a range of more feminine postures, actions and responses which I have been careful to introduce very slowly. Since I have retired I am now able to be more "me" than ever, unfortunately remaining in the closet, just, means that there will never be a completion of the process of liberation.

[KandisTX]

My reality is that I am one person who has multiple facets. Kandis is just one facet of my reality. She is a part of me, and while I will never genetically be Kandis, I can present her to the world as I do now and not care what they think (within the realm of reality that is).

What I mean is that Kandis is just as real as K******. Though, not 100% functionally female, she gets treated as such because that's what she wants. Your reality, my reality, are two differant things and that in itself makes each of our realities special.

Kandis:love:

P.S. Salandra, your posts are always so eloquently written and you provide such thought provoking topics. Thank you for being a sister to all of us girls. ;)

[laceyjessica]

i want to be real i want to finally be jessica for a day to see what it holds for me can i pass as jessica in public. do i think i look good i want it all. I feel it is time for me to try and see what happens.. I love my wife and kids but honesty the wife isnt going along with any of this too well and she has influence over the kids so there it is that leaves me and jessica to explore