Children and your situation?

[Roberta-Jane]

I would be interested to know how many of us have children? Especially those in the same situation as me.

My kids are 10 and almost 14, both girls and I have an estranged daughter from my 1st marriage who is 21.

I would love to know how many of you have kids of this sort of age who know that you dress.

How did you tell them?

Was it the right thing to do? :confused:

I would love to let mine know, but I feel that my current situation is not right, and they are too important for me to selfishly spoil their lives.

I also hate living a lie but if that is necessary then I must live with that for the time being.

Look forward to the replies

Peace and tranquility


Roberta-Jane

[DonnaT]

My sone is 27 and knows, my Duaghter is 26 and does not know. She would know if my wife would let me tell her. Then again, she may know, the same way my son found out, by everything on my PC.

[Phoebe Diana]

I have 2 sons--ages 10 and 6. My wifes *only* proviso on the dressing (well, other than sticking to a budget :) ) is that they not find out.

Which I agree with 100%. My oldest has a very black and white worldview, and doesn't deal with ambiguity very well at all. So it would be very hard for him to assimilate. My youngest is a lot more flexible, and would probably take it in without batting an eyelash. However 4-8 really seem to be "gender nazi" ages -- gender roles are more firmly established in their minds then at pretty much any other age. (Maybe shaking those up could be good--but I think it would be difficult.)

Those are my rationalizations for not telling them, anyway. Plus one other--at this age I don't have any confidence in their judgement of who they could tell about this and who they couldn't. And I guarantee you, they would tell *somebody*. (Trying to convince them that it's not something to worry about, but that it's too important to tell anybody about seems like it would work at cross purposes.)

I also remember seeing at the Tri-S site that while they are neutral to telling children in general, they recommend *not* telling adolescents, because it is a time when they are busy sorting out the whole sex/gender thing for themselves. So 14 is probably the exact wrong time to do it.

But I, too, would be interested in hearing what other people have to say on the subject.

Phoebe

[GypsyKaren]

My kids are all grown and on their own. I'm debating with myself now as to whether I should tell them or not. Part of me wants to the rationale is that it's none of their business as to what my total life is all about. Maybe it falls into the category of "more than they need to know". I could probably use some help on this one myself. I'm tg and cd, a lot to drop on them.
GypsyKaren

[Stephanie]

I have two stepchildren, girls, 7 & 9. When I "came out" to my wife about my crossdressing I told her that I would not tell the kids about it or allow myself to be seen crossdressing by them. While I think that the 7-year old might be able to handle it maturely if she ever found out about it and would be able to keep it secret, if the 9-year old ever found out about it everybody would almost definitely know about it by the end of the day. I tend to be fairly discreet about my crossdressing anyway so I don't really mind keeping it a secret from them unless I feel like I really need to tell them about it.

[Elysia]

I have an eleven year son old who doesn’t know. When he was younger he wanted to wear dresses, he had expressed a wish to dress in some of mom’s things, so my wife and I bought him some fun party dresses from the Salvation Army. We also got a few for me while we were at it. For a few years he played dress up with these dresses and a lot of other outfits, cowboy outfits, medieval knights’ outfit, that sort of thing. When it came to the dresses we told him it was ok at home with just the family around but that he shouldn’t wear them when his friends came over. I have never worn a dress while around him but I did join in when we all painted our finger nails one evening. As he got older he just lost interest and that was that.

At home I sometimes wear clothes that are sort of feminine, like a pink sweater or purple sweatpants but nothing definitively feminine like a dress. I think he understands that this is how I prefer to dress at home but that it’s inappropriate for other environments, when I go to work I wear clothes that are appropriate for work, etc. If he has friends over I always wear very normal clothes because I would not want to embarrass him. I only dress-up when he’s not home or late at night when he’s asleep and I’m always very careful to lock doors so that he can’t accidentally stumble in on me.

I will tell him some day because I’m not ashamed of myself and I’d like him to really know his dad but I’ll wait till he’s an adult. There’s a time and a place for everything. Cross-dressing is important to me but not as important as my son.

[Keri_T]

Coming from a child who had a rocky childhood, multiple sets of parents, step/half/ex/etc sisters/brothers you name it...I'd suggest against it. I cannot say what a good age is, it depends on the child, but anything earlier then 17~18 (just IMHO) is too early. Then again, it's just my 2 cents. :D

[Wendy me]

my sons are grown and moved out of the houseas of now ihave no intent to tell them althou my youngest son i think knows a bit or i think he dose. but for now it is not in my plans to tell them one day maybe but not now....

[melissacd]

None of my children or step children - ranging from 13-25 know about this. My wife knows but told me 8 years ago to stop. She would probably club me to death if she knew that I still did from time to time or that I chat on boards like this. To her cross dressing is a horror and abomination. I can't seem to get her past that and I am not sure that I care to try anymore...but that is a whole other story. In any event, I am pretty sure that she would not be supportive of me telling my kids.

I suspect that unless either my wife becomes supportive (yeah like that will ever happen) or I eventually leave my wife (well that could happen when the kids leave the nest because I have held this inside for too long and it is tearing me apart) because she is not supportive, then I will probably not tell them while I am alive.

I plan to create a record of my thoughts, ideas, poems and stories about my life and what it was all about. I suspect that they will find out about that aspect of who I was after I am dead and gone. I cannot see myself doing it before then unless my current situation and support system improve.

Melissa Eh!

[Sigrid]

--at this age I don't have any confidence in their judgement of who they could tell about this and who they couldn't. And I guarantee you, they would tell *somebody*.

I also remember seeing at the Tri-S site that while they are neutral to telling children in general, they recommend *not* telling adolescents, because it is a time when they are busy sorting out the whole sex/gender thing for themselves. So 14 is probably the exact wrong time to do it.

I have two children, ages 9 and 12. Neither of them know and I had been debating the last few weeks whether or not to tell them. I've decided not to mainly for the reasons Phoebe said. I don't think they have yet developed the discretion to keep it a secret. Not that they would maliciously out me, I'd worry more that they would just accidentally let it slip out to one or more of their friends. It would be them, not me, who would end up taking the brunt of the teasing that would surely follow.

I really wouldn't mind telling them if it weren't for the reasons listed above. But, even if I did I would NEVER let them see me in anything more than mildly feminine clothes. In fact I have been wearing women's boot cut jeans and feminine socks around the house lately, and even had pink finger nail polish on one hand for a few days last week which I'm sure they hadn't noticed. I think full makeup, wig and a dress would be way too much for them to deal with.

I have by the way noticed in the last few days that I've been becoming a little careless in that I've walked though the room on at least one occasion in my bare feet with my nails painted bright red. I've also been a little slow minimizing the Crossdressers.com web page when they walk into the room.

My son came home a few months ago with his finger nails colored red with felt pen. He told me that one of the girls in his class colored them and I advised that he wash it off so as to avoid any teasing from some of the other kids in class. I really think I handled that one poorly in that I really didn't offer any support by letting him know that I was really o.k. with it. Luckily, my infinitely wise wife picked that one up and let him know that what he did wasn't wrong and encouraged him just to be who he is and not be afraid to express himself. btw, She also is adament that the kids not be told, especially at this age.

Now I'm trying to make up for that, hence my finger nail polish. I figured that if he picked up on it I could show him I'm really o.k. with it without having to expose too much of my lifestyle.

Sorry if I meandered off topic ....ummm.. what was the question?


~Sigrid

[Wenda]

I am divorced and my kids are aged 18 to 30. I just re-discovered dressing last summer, so it was never much of an issue when they were young. I told my daughter via e-mail before Christmas. She told me that her oldest brother also dresses. He and I have chatted about it, but haven't seen each other dressed. My youngest son opened my closet door and found twelve pairs of women's shoes hanging on the door, and some pretty extreme boots on the floor. He spoke to his oldest brother, and we chatted via email, and everything is cool. Sometimes people know but don't want to discuss it. wenda.

[Nikki A.]

My kids are 13 & 15 they've seen me dressed on Halloween and when my daughter was young she insisted on dressing me up, I of course tried to say no but of course I really did not mind.
Do they know, no, but might they suspect that I'm not the most straight laced person, for sure. I do have a great relationship with both of them but I don't know if they need to be told. I've wrestled with this question myself. I believe in honesty and no secrets, but I'm not sure how they would react especially my son.

[RachelDenise]

My daughter is 12 and I have no plans to tell her until whenever. I would rather this discussion be on my terms, not after she came home unexpectedly and found me as RD or after finding the secret girl cave of things. I think the setting would play an important part of the talk, feeling that I might be less anxious and apologetic if we had our discussion under more controlled circumtances.

[KarenNY]

My children are age 5 and 6 and I have no plans to tell them. My wife is dead-set against it anyway, and the only time I can dress is when no one's at home anyway. So I truly doubt I would ever tell my kids about my interest in crossdressing. My clothes and wig and stuff are mostly in boxes in the attic right now, so if they run across them, I'll explain them as Mom's old clothes.

Karen :)

[Olivia]

Well I posted a thread a couple months ago about coming out to my two grown children. My son is 23 and lives at home, my daughter is 25, living in Dallas. Both were great about it. My son sees me nearly every day with a bra underneath my male shirts (tees and all!) and never mentions it. Why, last week, I helped him pull a 350 Chevy LT-1 engine from his truck, all the while wearing a black underwire bra and girl's flip-flops. I think it proves that I'm still "ol dad" anyway I'm dressed. My daughter experienced it for the first time this past weekend. She had not seen me with bra underneath before, with earring in one ear and the girly flip-flops. She seemed a little uptight at first but after spending some time together with her brother I noticed a "lightening up". He probably told her, "hell, he does it all the time-it's no big deal!" I still haven't shown them Olivia all dressed up in femme-that might be a while still. I hope this helps, Olivia

[Melissa A.]

Never had kids. My first marriage ended before we got around to really trying(we had agreed to wait a while). My second marriage was pretty much a 4 year disaster(rebound fom my first) and I am SO glad we never had children. Although she did start fertitlity treatments at one point. Whew! At 45,and now dating a 47 yr. old woman who has no interest in any more kids (her only son is 23), I have resigned myself to the fact that it was never meant to be, and that's ok.

I guess every situation is different, and it also depends on what kind of household you have, and how open minded and adaptable you think your kids are. I would personally advise against it, at least until they are adults, as it may confuse them and truthfully, is none of their business. Unless you are planning to be femme full time, this is your hobby and interest. I see no compelling reason to tell a child.

But I am childless, so I'm sure many will take my opinion with a grain of salt. I understand that.

Hugs,

Melissa :)

[Sierra]

Our boys are 10 and 5 years old and realize dad has breast like a woman,wears bras,panties,bikini bottoms,capris,shoes and so forth,but not dresses,wigs or make up in front of whom ever.They are OK,do well in school have good manners and a healthy love for our Creator and King.They are taught the golden rule but dont have a sheltered life from truth and reality.My biggest fears are that they dont get laughed at at school because their dad is differant.They are shown lots of love and ecouragement and they know their dad is tough,masculine but also has a soft feminine side too.Since they were born I live as a toned down comprisming tg or ts for them my wife and family.Family is more important than my desires to be a woman,so I have to keep it under my hat and find a level to coexist with the world around me. Go ahead and rip me,but my kids are very well behaved and know they are loved and see their dad as a man who is real and not afraid to be who he is. :)

[kathy gg]

Hi,

First off since I am not only supportive, but enthusiastic and play an active role in my husbands femme persona we dont' have alot of the tough couples issues to deal with that many do in regards to cding. I also don't live near my parents who are a bit old fashioned and moved to a new country to start life with my husband and made an effort to only make close female friends who would not find this a bad thing. So, basically we have both made very careful choies about who are friends are and our jobs and such so that when we have a child we could do things the way we both feel is right for our life. Please keep in mind I completely understand why alot of couples decide against telling their kids and I also talked in depth to two separate pycologist about our situation prior to CLeo being born and this is what they told me.

They both said that consistency, a united front, knowing they are loved and that their parents have a loving marriage is what is most important for a child to know. They both felt we would have two windows of opportunity if we decided to tell our child. The first option being to make this jsut another facet of who we are and how we live our life from day one. Just like a gay or lesbian couple who have a child would do. They both felt that this would not be anything out of the ordinary and also not feel like it was a disturbance.

The second window is to wait until their sexual and gender idenity is completely solidified (sometime in their twenties) and then they coudl not use this as a 'reason' for their own lives choices. Telling during puberty seems to be the toughest time for a child to deal with it, even an older teen who is still figuring out who he is she is. Waiting till young adulthood means their own feelings woudl already be established and not associate who 'you' are with who they are.

So for us we have chosen to let our little girl grow up seeing this as just another part of who we are.

Now, are things 'perfect'? ALmost, but there are things which I do wonder about in the grand scheme of our plan. The first being that although my hubands mother is very supportive of us and our choice she is not his only family. (his father passed away a long time ago) He also has a sister that 'knows' but does not want to acknoweldge or learn and finds it to be a horrible and repulsive thing. As soon as she found out (via his mom) that I enjoyed this she labeled me 'freak' as well and we mostly have a polite exsistence with her and her family. I have never brought it up and will never. I dont' want to shove anything down anyones throat who is not open to understand. I do wonder how that story will play out as his mom passes away and we are only left with his sister as 'family'.

My next issue is my aging parents. My father is very ill and I have promised him that when he dies that we will take my mom in and give her a little 'residence' with lots of privacy in our home (our basement). But I do wonder if telling (about the dressing) her when that happens will cuase her to disown us both or if she will take a calm attitude and not let it interfere with her love for us. I ponder that alot and really dont' think it fair to ask her to move in with us without knowing what she is walking into. We are much to active in the cd scene and have too many friends who visit for this not to eventually be known. So...time will tell about that one.

You are probably wondeirng why I brought thsoe two tough issues up, well I wonder in time if Cleo turns out to be the super cool kid we hope she will be, that if her Aunts or her grandmothers narrow mindedness will cause her to either want nothing to do with them or if she will question her own openness to things. I woudl hate either situation to happen and that is why their non-acceptance might foil our plan.

I am sure people are thinking or wondering, what if the kid slips up and says something. This is what I have learned from several other couples who are doing what we are doing. Explaining (age appropriate as well) it in a positive but also semi-private family thing is what most couples have done and suceeded well in. Children (believe it or not) like thinking that they are pivy to a very important grown up thing. Knowing that they are trusted enough gives many children a very healthy sense of trust and respect. Most kids are able to treat this as information as sacred when presented as such.

We also are going to make sure that she is exposed to people of many different cultures, religions, sexual orientations, and races. She is going to see and know other gay/lesbian couples (who are also raising familys) , other familys where the father is a crossdresser, and single moms too. I want her to know that there are many different versions of 'family' so ours will be jsut another version that is out there.

We also have already started to make a game of playing dress up with her and me and Amanda. Nothing cuter than a little tiny girl in a wig! She has seen my husband in full femme mode several times a month and several times a week in sort of a half-dressed version too (like maybe just breast forms under his t-shirt) or a dress but no wig or make up. We also have many of our freinds we know come around dressed or come over in male mode and then change to femme mode. We also have had my girlfreinds be around when Amanda is here so that she sees it is not a big deal.

I know for most people this situation would be unthinkable and unimaginable. I also know for many cding has such heavy sexual conotations it would be hard to imagine doing this around their kids. But for us, it has more to do with just being comfortable in our own home and also letting her know who we both are. A mom who enjoys this and a dad who enjoys this. My husband also does not dress overtly (and never will) provactively in front of her. His femme outfits now mostly consists of stylish pants and skirts that are longer, nice blouses and button up tops. He of course does (just like I do ) have sexy clothing too, but we just will never wear it around her.

anyway sorry for the long post. Just wanted to fully explain what we are doing and also give hope to those who maybe have a suportive spouse or girlfriend and maybe are considering the same thing.

We are still in the first stages as she is almsot 15 months old. I also hope to write more on this as she grows and situations come up and how we deal.

hugs
kathy in canada

[Marianne]

I have four kids, ranging in age from 21 to 35. They all know.

Two are totally cool with it, one hasn't mentioned it and the last is mostly ok with it.

After I told my youngest, she pondered on it for a little while then opened up and told me that she thinks she's bisexual but was scared to tell me in case I 'judged' her. So telling her has made us closer, more understanding and more supportive of each other.

I don't regret telling them at all.

That said, they're all pretty much open minded and have been raised to be pretty tolerant of other people.

Without knowing your kids RJ, I can only say that it might not be as bad as you might think, but only you know when/if is the right time.

[Paula A]

I Have two boys 15 & 13, We have not told them.

Since I had just recently expanded my "closet" to include my wife, I don't think this would be a good time to tell them. My wife is aganst it first off, secondly, since we are mainly dealing with all of the issues with being the wife of a CDer, and mainly my youngest would tell everyone. However, my youngest son is just like his father, he has a fasination with girl's things, including their sexual parts (which is normal) but their shoes, dresses and bras and I wonder if when he is alone if he is in mom's stuff. He makes certain comments that I reconize and mention to my wife, (who blows it off) but the signs are all there. So the question is... do I help him, do we talk with him? (which we do, but not about his daddy CDding) or do we sit back and let him figure this out on his own? As a CDer, and his father I do not want him to go through all of the emotional stuff I went through, the secrets and the hiding, the questioning and depression stuff.

But for now our closet is only barely big enough for the two of us (my wife and I) so we probably won't tell him real soon.

[Roberta-Jane]

Sorry to hear about your Dad Kathy, lost mine at the age of 62 18 years ago. It is never an easy time.

As usual I read your posts with interest.

I do not intend to tell my kids yet but who knows, in time perhaps?

I too would like to think that they will be balanced, happy, and delightful adults.

Keep posting!

Peace and tranquility


RJ

[Roberta-Jane]

Thanks for all the interest in this thread.

The one feeling that came to mind while reading them was 'melancholy'.

I guess we would all like to be who we are without restriction, with honesty and safety.

I am certain that this will come, perhaps not in my lifetime, but who knows, perhaps my kids will be middle aged and able to accept people like us with friendship and dignity.

For the time being I will do what I have to do, if necessary in private.


As always, peace and tranquility


Roberta-Jane

[Sigrid]

I just had a great experience with my kids (son 12, daughter 9). As I mentioned yesterday in this thread, several months ago my son came home with his finger nails colored red (marking pen) and instead of being supportive and letting him know I was ok with it I just told him he should make sure that it gets washed off before he goes back to school the next day. I had been trying to think of a way to let him know that I really am supportive.

Tonight my kids were laying on my bed watching TV. I came in and laid down on the bed next to them. I was on my wife's side of the bed and picked up a bottle of clear nail strengthener she had laying on the nightstand. I picked up the bottle and casually opened it and put some on one of my nails. Neither of them really reacted.

I asked my daughter if she wanted her nails painted, she said "no thanks". Then I "jokingly" asked my son who without hesitation said "sure" and stuck out his hand. I put some polish on one of his hands then did a couple more of mine.

A few minutes later, I asked my daughter once again and this time she said "o.k., but I want to put it on". So I gave her the bottle and watched her put it on the first couple nails. She was all over place with the brush, going back and forth and sideways across the nail. I tried offering a little advise along the lines of "you should just place the brush at the back of the nail and make a smooth motion to the front of the nail". She just turned to me and said "Dad, I know how to do this. I'm more of a girly girl than you are". I just burst out laughing. All I could say is "yes hon, I guess you are." :) ;)

~Sigrid

[sarah]

I have three girls the eldest is twenty two she knows and has no problem (even buys me frillies ) the other two one who is eighteen and the other fourteen have on occasions given me a make over (just for fun) and i am sure they know something ..the eighteen year old plucks my eyebrows and doesnt allow any hair to grow out of place which sometimes can be embarasing when you are in company ,and she politely reminds me my eyebrows need doing....probably the big give away is the lack of male underwear in the wash (i dont own any)...