Gender Limbo

[CaptLex]

Lately, I've been feeling like I'm in limbo transition-wise. That's not to say that I don't experience dysphoria or that I'm feeling in-between (though in a way, I kind of am) . . . it's more a feeling of not being anywhere gender-wise. Does that make sense to anyone? Does anyone else feel that sometimes? Off the map? Lost in transition? :idontknow:

I'm guessing it may be because I feel I've pretty much transitioned as much as I can for now (physically). Mentally and socially I'm not done, but what's the use continuing in that way if I have to wait forever for top surgery, etc.? :wall:

Last night I dreamt that I was applying nail polish and lipstick - and it was getting me frustrated. I didn't want to, but for some reason I felt I HAD to - but I knew it would cause problems for me because it would "send the wrong message" and others wouldn't understand that I'm in transition.

Anyway, i woke up feeling blah and kind of disoriented. The dream disappeared, but the feeling stayed with me a long time. I just feel like I'm stuck now. Wish I could go to sleep and wake up when I'm ready to continue the physical changes. :p

[Cai]

I know the feeling, Lex. I'm stuck myself - I can't even move further socially until I sit down and have a long talk with my parents. (And even thinking about talking to my mother has me stressed out.)


I wish I knew something to say.

[Mariah]

aww :( *huggles both of you* I know the feeling. though I have not started transitioning yet, I know how it sucks just to sit and wait.

*hugs* you'll get through this your the captain!

keris

[mistunderstood]

I understand the stuck feeling. That is were I am also. I can't move forward till I raise the cash to even start T. I am on SS and they will not help me even with the Doc payments. So I feel realy screwed right now. It is a shame that here in Ohio if I was in prison they would help me with SRS. Messed up is in it.:angry:

[ZenFrost]

:hugs: I think I've been feeling that way for nearly a year. I've been trying to change my name since last April with no luck and it's left me feeling kind of stuck (if that's the right word). It's like wanting to move forward somehow but not being able to and just... floating around in some in-between state. Bleh, it's hard to explain, isn't it? But I think I can relate to how you're feeling.

[Mary Lee]

I also live in Ohio, Medina. I think Ohio is perty much in the dark ages as far as CD/TG/TS. Ohio will not change ones gender on their drivers permit, period end.

[mistunderstood]

Does not supprise me,and yet they will pay for a prisoner to have SRS. You might have seen this on the news over last two days.

[Adam]

I feel for you lex from the bottom of my hart i really do of course i can see why you would feel in transition limbo.

You look great and handsome but chest op or lac of would get to me too i think its a real shame health insurance don't cover cost i mean its a necessary thing to want :hugs: maybe your feeling in limbo because you no that your next step you want is chest op i wish i had the money for you to have it but i don't :(

i cant really think what to say to make you feel better i just want you to no i care and feel for you.

[Kate Simmons]

Your friends are here for you Lex and support you. I wouldn't be bothered by the dream too much. I do have an idea why you may have had it though.You know who you are and so do we. One of the best guys I know and a great friend. Can't beat that with a stick toots.:hugs::happy:

[Tristan]

I totally relate to what you're saying, Lex. It's hard to be in the middle. Feeling a bit stuck. I also just feel very alone out here. :hugs: Hang in there buddy wish I had something to help but other then I understand I don't have much to offer.

[CaptLex]

i cant really think what to say to make you feel better i just want you to no i care and feel for you.
I know you do, sweetie. :hugs:

Thanks, boys and girls. :kiss: Just knowing that I'm not the only one that feels this way is a big help - believe me. I was starting to wonder if I was losing it. :p

Sal, I'd be interested to know what you think the dream means. I figure it means I'm in a situation I can't do anything about - what do you think? :happy:

[Charleen]

Oh Captain, my Captain! My heart goes out to you!:hugs:
Yeah, we have the wrong parts, but inside, we KNOW who we truely are. That's what counts. I don't know about you, but one of my faults is that when I want something, I want it NOW! Instant gratification! It just causes problems 'cause life ain't like that. I could hit you with the cliches about patience, but I'll spare you. Hell, you know them anyway.
With tyhe dream, it could be all t6he frustation that has been building up. Up to and including the hassle with the passport. I wouldn't sweat it too much, after all you were going along with your physical appearance when you were younger and we retain those memories. I dream in both modes.
Hang in there guy, I have found in my life at least, tyhat when I have my eye on a goal, something even better comes out of Left Field!
Love and XXXX, Lily

[Syr_SwitchyGQ]

I feel your pain, Lex. I've been thinking and re-thinking and over-thinking about whether or not I should transition, and realizing that it doesn't matter anyway, because even if I were to pursue it, I wouldn't be able to start anything until I'm done with my undergrad work anyway. Frustrating. Not sure what to tell you, advice-wise, but :hugs: anyway. I guess the best you can do for right now is focus on the part of you that are male, both inside and out, and try not to worry about everything else. That's what I've been doing, and it usually works. Good luck and hope you start feeling less stuck soon. :happy:

[DanielMacBride]

I know exactly what you mean, Lex....kinda going through the same thing right now Myself. I have done everything I can physically do to transition short of medical intervention, and now that I am 3 weeks away from My appointment with the pshrink, the last week or so I have had a bad time with the gender limbo thing....I KNOW I am male, absolutely without question, but sometimes like you I wonder what is the point of proceeding with transition because even though I will probably get T soon, it will be years before I can afford any surgery of any kind because I am on a low income and there is not a lot of work I can do (and all of it is very low paid because I have no qualifications or anything). So I struggle with that all the time, knowing that My only real obstacle to transitioning the way I want to is money, and knowing that there is not a great deal I can do about it...and knowing that I have to be on T for at least 2 years and have 2 irreversible surgical procedures specifically for gender reassignment before I can apply to change My gender marker really SUCKS, because it will be a LOT longer than 2yrs before I can afford any sort of surgery, because none of it is covered by any health funds here (and I can't afford health insurance anyway, so I get stuck with Medicare) :(

When I dream it's often in no gender - I never dream I am female but I don't often dream I am male, either - usually I am genderless and there are no specific features in the dream that would define any particular gender. That messes with My head, too...

I don't know what to tell you, except hang in there.....a lot of us know how you feel and it's unfortunately par for the course with being trans :(

Daniel (also having a genderf***ed week)

[kerrianna]

Sal, I'd be interested to know what you think the dream means. I figure it means I'm in a situation I can't do anything about - what do you think? :happy:

:raisedeyebrow: It means you stole my dream, you pirate! :ph34r:

That explains the dream I had of me kissing Johnny Depp, except in it I was a guy!

The Dream Factory screwed up again.

Don't worry, Lex, I returned it so it should be coming round your way sometime. Pretty hot dream, I must say. :p


To get all cosmic on you... we are the makers of our own realities. In some cases, like transitioning, it's more literal and measurable. But there's so much more to us than we even know, and there are times when our psyches need to readjust and re-energize. Sometimes that's by opening up some of the old files we have stored and checking them to see where they fit in our current state of being. Your dream had a conscious impact on you, it was like a reminder or waypoint and got you thinking, but it's more likely that it was more useful to your complex inner self that's evolving, the subconscious or whatever you want to call it, that we feed off of and feed into.

Getting dizzy from the mystical fumes yet? :heehee:


Lately I've had a few dreams of being with my brothers, 'one of the boys'. It's un-nerved me, because, like I told you before, I haven't had any dreams of male-me in a couple of years. When I think about that, it actually surprises me, seeing as I spent over 40 years in that role. But the dissolution of my male identity has been pretty complete (other than whatever it is I present as now to the world - it doesn't feel male to me, but it doesn't look female to the world - so I should say complete dissolution in an inner sense.) That's why having some returning feelings and dreams has been worrying, because I don't get it.

Other than to apply Mystic Kez's theory of the readjusting psyche.

Life is a flow of expending and recharging energy. You're probably in a recharging state right now. Sometimes that seems like a stale state where nothing is happening, but in fact something always is happening. It's just that in comparison to when we're moving, or expending energy, it doesn't feel like things are happening.

I don't think transition stops when the money runs out, the surgeries heal, life situations put a hold on plans, etc.... We are always transitioning, in many ways, but specifically when we have taken that big step where we commit to recognizing and developing our true gender identity then I think we never actually ever stop growing that way. It can be very subtle at times, but it becomes a part of our day to day living. That's why we can get bushwacked by gender dysphoria sometimes. Because it's always on the burner, like everything else. Obviously there is a stage people can get at where that burner is pretty much turned off, but we are also the sum of all our experiences and those memories and everything we've gone through don't just vanish. They get filed away, and every now and then some bright little particle in our brains thinks it would be interesting to re-open the case. Nothing to worry about. Just some little brain clerk trying to make a name for himself.

hehehe...didn't you like my Dream Factory explanation a lot better?

Mystic Kez will slide back into the murky depths now.

Say hi to Johnny for me. :luvu:

[Kate Simmons]

Pretty good analysis Kez. I was thinking that because Lex knows the female part is an intregal part of himself and values the experience, even though he knows who he really is, it was just a sign of re-assurance that that particular part is always there to help mold who he is from a value standpoint although not necessarily assert itself in everyday life. The same is true for you with your "male" dreams and that is where the value comes in. I believe that T folks especially have a distinct advantage this way to help put all feelings into perspective. No need to get scared because it actually makes us stronger in our overall determination to be ourselves. Remember how I think. Turn every perceived "disadvantage" into an advantage that works for us. We are the forgers of our own destiny after all.:happy:

[waspookie6]

Very wise "Mystic Kez" :happy:
Years ago I quit paying attention to 'catchy psych' words. Like 'gender dysphoria'. :thumbsdn:
Captn Lex knows a bit about why I threw that out the window a long time ago, as popeye would say "I yam what I yam!". If one day I need to be male, then I am. If another I need to be female, I am. Therefore...nope, not bringing Shakespeare into this one!

What is very true is how we are always growing regardless of money or where we live or... We change, we adapt, we move towards what we feel most comfortable being. And just being is enough - why are people so hard on themselves? Growing up I never needed a travel agent, my mum could send me on a guilt trip for free. I had to "lose" that part of my past, get through it, grow out of it so to speak. The tickets got more expensive of course yet traveling first class was better than cramped coach guilt section.

Lex, I tend to wonder if (and this is a real shot in the dark) going to the show had some effect to a degree. There is someone who changes seemlessly from a woman to a man with what appears to be little conflict. But we don't know there hasn't been struggles all his life. Wouldn't it be great to wake up a star and not have to worry about who you are?
Heh, we all know it doesn't work that way. Unfortunately someone pinches us (ouch! stop that!) and we bring a heavy reality in, it doesn't always mean its the right reality of course. Reality cheques bounce all the time.
So are dreams. At times they mean nothing more than being confusing. Why is it a dog turned into a rock in my dream last nigh? (not kidding). It means...um, all dogs are rocks? :strugglin

Sometimes we wake up and wonder not only who we are but where we are. Everything seems surreal and it lasts the day yet we still get through it. My life has been Agendered (my own term if I *have* to have one), not being either one or the other. Like you there are no funds for surgery to "finish the job one way or the other", even if I had the money I'd be baffled which one to chose. I like being able to be both so paying for one implant and one testicle would probably get me kicked out of any surgical suite. Unless it was Switzerland. Not called a "neutral" country for nuthin'! :p

This is a struggle to find the right words to deep feelings so pardon the puns. I have also found myself in a state of limbo most of my life yet have come to terms, thus far, I just am who I am right now and that may change. I'm okay with that. Settle in and be okay with yourself as well, just the way you are :hugs:

[Melanie85]

Have some Rum, perhaps that will make you feel better...

[Felix]

Hi Lex my friend :hugs::hugs: Lots of good thoughts here I see!! I can't add much except thats how I always feel in the middle wanting more but not knowing where I am going with this. Ya not alone and thats important we all share your feelings on this.I really feel for ya sweets so hang on in there. Your a great bloke :hugs::hugs: xx Felix

[Leo Lane]

I know the feeling, Lex. I'm stuck myself - I can't even move further socially until I sit down and have a long talk with my parents. (And even thinking about talking to my mother has me stressed out.)


I wish I knew something to say.

What he said, except I have to have a long talk with my best mate as well, and my little sister, and and...

I am as masculine as I dare be, but even so I feel stuck and stifled being known as a girl. Things will remain jammed until I get up enough nerve to talk about it.

My sympathies, Lex.

[Sares]

I can't relate to feeling like I'm stuck in the middle of a physical and social transition...but I do feel like I'm in gender limbo at the moment. I keep envisioning a spectrum: on one side is "100% cisgendered straight woman" and on the other side of the spectrum is "transsexual gay man," and I just...have no idea where I fall. It really feels like my brain has been split right in half, and each half is magnetically repelling the other. One half keeps strongly telling me that I'm a boy, and that I should just wake up and embrace Sean, and the other half is just as strongly resisting. That's the best way I can describe it: mentally, and emotionally, I feel like I'm trying to push two magnets together.

So I guess I can relate to the feeling that there's a path in front of me, on which I just can't move forward, at least until I've pushed the magnets together. I just go back to bed and wish the problem would resolve itself while I'm asleep, so that I can wake up and understand who I am. I know I'm sleeping a lot partly because it's winter...but I also stay in bed a lot because I don't have to think about these things when I'm resting. I can curl up and just dream pleasant things that don't make my head hurt.

I know I'll feel better and less confused when I finally stop being a chicken and go talk to someone, or quit pretending that I'm not having gender issues and start that gender-questioning journal that I've been thinking about but can't bring myself to begin...but right now I just feel stuck. I see other people have echoed the same thing: we're stuck because we can't talk about it yet, or we won't talk about it yet, or we haven't talked about it in a while. Maybe "gender limbo" is like writer's block. If you can't write, then you write about having writer's block, and it helps to get you unstuck. It seems that this feeling of being stuck between genders just needs to be expressed to be resolved...or at least partially resolved.

P.S. Congratulations on seeing Eddie. :) That guy is hilarious. I'm trying to get one of my coworkers to go with me before I buy a ticket...

[Mariah]

all I can do........ *HUGGLES ALL OF YOU*



keris

[Kate Simmons]

Hi Lex, I don't know if I'm allowed to say this or not. I've always been somewhat of a problem child to the "powers that be" anyway. :heehee:One of the keys to becoming unstuck is becoming multi-dimensional. Think deeply about that for awhile and you will understand what I mean.;):happy:

[CaptLex]

I've been meaning to get back to this thread for a while, but stuff happened. First I was too confused and disoriented to write anything intelligent (or even vaguely coherent) on the subject. :p And then I was too preoccupied with Taylor's situation to even think or care about this. He's not fully recovered yet, as we know, but the vast improvement over the past week means that I'm able to concentrate on more mundane stuff again - and I can eat and sleep better. I'm soooo happy and relieved that he continues to improve. :bg:

Anyway, I thank you all for your responses, your insights, your wisdom, for sharing your own experiences and your humor. You've given me lots to think about and the great feeling that I'm not alone in this.


One of the keys to becoming unstuck is becoming multi-dimensional. Think deeply about that for awhile and you will understand what I mean.;):happy:
I have been thinking about this, Sal, and I think I can take it a few different ways. What I've been leaning toward most is that it doesn't (or shouldn't really) matter to me "where" I am right now transition-wise. I shouldn't place as much emphasis on the final destination and just experience the journey. Enjoy the trip - do a little sightseeing along the way and take mental snapshots to commemorate the milestones.

So for now I've decided that I'm just me - whatever that is. A guy on a journey of self-discovery and awareness. Someone who is physically here and there, but neither really here nor there. I've decided to pay less and less attention to the whole gender binary thing because it doesn't define me (though I'm cool with it defining others, if it does).

I'm sure a lot of these thoughts are influenced by my recent reading of Gender Outlaw by Kate Bornstein, so I won't take all the credit for my decisions. And if I decide other things in the future, that just means I've reached another stop on the trip - after all, I've changed my mind about a lot of this stuff already. Nothing is ever final, and it shouldn't be because it means we've stopped learning.

So today I'm feeling a bit more at peace with it and much less dyphoric. I'm not naive enough to think I'll never experience dysphoria again, but I'm not going to worry about tomorrow till it gets here.

Thank you, my friends, for all you teach me. :bighug:

[KrazyKat]

Sounds like some sound thinking, Lex. I'm happy you are looking forward to the journey, that can be the beginning of a different kind of happiness.
A new plateau of understanding!! Awesome!!:thumbsup:

I need to dig that book out and reread, it was the first book I read, was very enlighting for me. I wonder what I missed in it, since my mind is in a different place now also. Thanks for reminding me, Lex.:hugs:

[gennee]

I'm a CD and I feel in-between at times but I see as another crossroad I have come to. So far the trip has great. Captain, take those times as moments to reflect where you are now and where you wish to go.


Gennee


:)