time to move on?

[DebsD]

Bad time but when and how do I move on? I have started the long road to transition, my wife knows, and has known about x dressing for 15 years, but says if i go any further she will leave, which I have to respect, but she knows I have seen therapist and have been referred to charing cross with gender identity disorder, she also knows I nedd to transition and this is reason for charing cross, but she seems to deny it! I don`t really know how to handle this, I have to trans and have started this, but she leaves if I do, yet she is still here, complaining that if I trans she is gone? Do I just have to be brave and spell it out loud it is over or do I hope she will still be with me through transition? This probably sounds as confusing as I am! I think you know what I mean!1

[Bravesoul]

WO, I think you and your wife need to work this out first.:nono: I would not push it, but you need to decide what's important to you. your wife? or you need to transition? You'r the only one that can make that call.

I hope what ever you do, you find happiness.

[Stephanie Anne]

Do you want a marriage or transition? That is what it seems your wife is saying. She wants what I can only assume a hetero relationship and can not in her mind stay married to a woman.

reverse the roles here... would you, not being trans, want your wife to say "Honey, I want you to stay with me but I have to become a man!"

If she was not ok with this before you started transition, she is not going to be magically ok once you do. Leave the decision up to her and never forceit upon her (to stay or go). Ifshe leave then she leaves. If you must transition then you must transition.

Complete person or miserable marriage, you may have to choose.

Are you in councelling for your marriage as well? These are two seperate issues you have here you needto work out indivdually as best you can.

[DebsD]

transition is the only way forward for me now, yes i know how i would feel if she wanted to trans and me not scenario, but i can`t be a man and live a lie any longer

[kerrianna]

Do I just have to be brave and spell it out loud it is over

Yes. Obviously, if you have made your choice you do. She's made it clear to you where her boundaries are and if she's still hanging in there I can only guess it means either she doesn't think you are serious or she's still dealing with the reality herself and preparing herself for what comes next.



or do I hope she will still be with me through transition?

From what you said she has told you, that seems unlikely.

So, sit yourselves down and let her know you have made your decision with the full understanding that she won't be there to support you... that you have chosen transition over your relationship (that sounds like what you're telling us), and as much as you'd love to have her with you on that long journey you'll understand if she can't do it.

Don't fool yourselves. Be honest about what it is each of you wants. The sooner you spell it out the less hurt... although obviously it's gonna hurt anyway.

[Katie Ashe]

It not so much as choosing Wife OR SRS, but working them out to compramiss so everyone is happy. If she has know for some time, what is her defense of not letting you go through the last phase of this. Seems like your wife is ok with it as a fetish at this point, you need to site down and have a heart to heart talk about what both your needs are and the find common ground. If she is simply not willing to bend, then you may need to re-evaluate your needs if set on your needs. Marriage is all about give and take.

[CaptLex]

Marriage is all about give and take.
And it depends on how much a person can give and/or take, I guess.

Debs, the bottom line is that you have to decide which you need more, if you can't have both. Not having both the marriage and the transition causes unhappiness, but it sounds like you'll have to pick one. The lesser of two evils, I guess. Letting go of which one would mean less unhappiness? Only you can figure this out.

I think I see a storm coming . . . good luck to you.

[Katrina]

Debs, the bottom line is that you have to decide which you need more, if you can't have both. Not having both the marriage and the transition causes unhappiness, but it sounds like you'll have to pick one. The lesser of two evils, I guess. Letting go of which one would mean less unhappiness?

That is right on. When I was in therapy, I think my pdoc was convinced that I was TS. I made the decision that being with my SO was more important to me than transitioning. I also was using the lesser of two evils theory. What would make me less unhappy - not transitioning and still having my SO, or losing my SO and transitioning. Honestly, I didn't see myself happy either way, but I would be much less happy if I transitioned, was alone, and dealing with a society that would rather I didn't exist at all.

[Priss]

That's a tough position to be in. Iam lucky to have never gotten myself into a marriage where I could possibly have hurt one that I loved so much, so Iam not really one to give advice on a question like this but I'll try.

You have to ask yourself the tough questions here and be honest with yourself... Is it really what you want, and is it worth more to you than continuing on in your marriage? If you can't answer these questions with a "YES!", then don't go there.

If you can answer with a "YES!", then sit down and try to explain to her what it is that you have to do and how you feel about the relationship. Be gentle but firm in your resolution with her and let her decide for herself where she wants to go from here. Do whatever it takes to make it as easy on her as possible. If you love her, you owe her that much.

It'll likely hurt her very much, but what else can we do but try to be honest and up front with those that we love. While we end up causing so much pain, it is not really our fault as our society has forced us into this position by making us keep ourselves underwraps for so long. If this all ever stops being taboo, perhaps we can be detected at a very young age and allowed go in the directions we need to before we hurt others. Until then we must do what we can. :hugs:

[Miss Tessa]

Are you TS or CD?

40% of Transsexuals who do not transition commit suicide.

[DebsD]

definately ts and yes that does worry me and am well aware ofthat

[Jamie Parks]

Are you TS or CD?

40% of Transsexuals who do not transition commit suicide.

is this a real figure????

[idus15]

I am confused.
I.

sounds sad,but I want to live long.
I.

How right you are.
I.

[White Neko]

Lol why is this up for so much discussion? Isn't it obvious what DebsD should do?

She is convinced that she is a woman, and will transition whether or not her significant other chooses to accept it. And nobody has the right to challenge somebody about their gender identity..

So, I say continue transitioning. Why does your significant other fret so much about it?! Is she going to loose whatever it is you're providing for her as a man, and only as a man? If your "significant other" chooses to leaves you - she never was your significant other in the first place; as this story screams to me, between the lines, that she is not after you as a human being, but more like someone that provides something for her. Whatever that something is, I got no idea, I'm not your significant other.

A significant other to me is someone who accepts you as a human being and will always support your decisions in life and look after you in sickness and in health. (Amen)

Please excuse me for being slightly harsh in this post, I'm attempting to provide advice for you in a more.. "individualist" frame of mind. But I personally would never put up with a situation like this. My response to a significant other like that would be "Fine then, get lost already".

My only worry is what she may do in spite in order to get back at you.. You may also have to consider who are your true friends.. Please, DO tell your friends about your transition! Before she tells them..

[Fi Fi Fiona]

White Neko: Lol why is this up for so much discussion? Isn't it obvious what DebsD should do?

MegamiNoKuroRozu: Not to me :S You have to think about not just the present, but future things also. Will you feel comfortable? Can you compromise with your wife?

White Neko: She is convinced that she is a woman [/u], and will transition whether or not her significant other chooses to accept it. And nobody has the right to challenge somebody about their gender identity..

MegamiNoKuroRozu: Well, they have the right to challenge(As they are in a relationship, Marriage even[Even bigger commitment]), but to block? Or even blackmail, that is, I believe, a totally different ball game. I know the verse "In sickness and in health" Bla Bla Bla (Sorry for those who used those words :doh: ) But they are broken daily by more than one couple. People want to feel safe, secure and whatever they want to feel. Its like going into a university and signing up for Psychology, then getting signed up to History! (Something I would never want to happen to me :S ) I know I would be mortified, and want to change. If I couldn't, I could drop it, but that would be just a waste. In time, I could just accept it and move on. I know the scenarios are extremely different (But also similar), but that was just an example. However, since you are in a marriage, (I assume because this is such an issue) you should at least talk and Try to make a compromise, or take the full weight of the gun. Maybe in all of this, she maybe willing to change her opinions if you two talk it out. Follow what you feel is the best move.

White Neko: So, I say continue transitioning. Why does your significant other fret so much about it?! Is she going to loose whatever it is you're providing for her as a man, and only as a man? If your "significant other" chooses to leaves you - she never was your significant other in the first place; as this story screams to me, between the lines, that she is not after you as a human being, but more like someone that provides something for her. Whatever that something is, I got no idea, I'm not your significant other.

MegamiNoKuroRozu: Some people don't like being associated with being a 'lesbian'. Some are, but you cannot generalise your acceptability to others, as we are individuals. Plus, being the SO of a transsexual has its stigmas also. Sometimes people can’t handle it. I’m not defending their reasoning, but this happens. Plus, maybe Debs can’t live without her SO? What if she is emotionally dependent? Do you still just cut them out of your life after you made a commitment to them? Decisions like that is why I don’t want to be in a relationship till after I transition x_x

White Neko: A significant other to me is someone who accepts you as a human being and will always support your decisions in life and look after you in sickness and in health. (Amen)

MegamiNoKuroRozu: Even though I agree with you in basically every aspect, sometimes it not that simple. Maybe Debs loves her to the point where she can hold back the transition or at least go halfway without the need to go fully fem.

White Neko: Please excuse me for being slightly harsh in this post, I'm attempting to provide advice for you in a more..."Individualist" frame of mind. But I personally would never put up with a situation like this. My response to a significant other like that would be "Fine then, get lost already".

MegamiNoKuroRozu: I wonder how long they were together :straightface: Would you tell a spouse of 15 years to "Get lost" after them saying You can't transition? Or would try and meet them in the middle and maybe, just maybe, try and salvage the marriage? I would, however, think about saying that to a Boyfriend Or a Girlfriend if it was only after a short period. I would count my opinion as being neutral. Not saying you should or shouldn’t but way up the facts before you make a decision.

White Neko: My only worry is what she may do in spite in order to get back at you..
You may also have to consider who are your true friends.. Please, DO tell your friends about your transition! Before she tells them..

MegamiNoKuroRozu: If there is a threat to her telling them, tell them yourself. Remember, you have to take into consideration everything (I’m sure I don’t actually have to point this out to you. Good luck whatever you do!)

Love *Fiona* -Feel free to kill my argument people^^-
Love you Neko :3 (I also love the avatar ^_^)

[kerrianna]

Lol, Neko, it's soooo obvious you are single from your post! :heehee:

You might stay that way with that attitude.


I think Katrina and Lex asked the relevant question.

The thing is, sometimes if you don't do the big jump all at once, your loved ones can adapt to the idea of seeing the new you. It really does depend on your relationship and why it is you are together.

I'm not sure if I am getting this Deb, but there's something about your original post that makes me think you and your SO aren't being open and honest about what you are doing and how you are feeling. I don't know if that's because you feel her boundary is unchangeable and you therefore need to work around her (in which case you might as well cut the ties now before it gets ugly) or if you are just unsure and dont want to hear her side because she might discourage you and you've already made up your mind.

But if you can open an honest dialogue with her, maybe even going together to your therapist, so she understands what this means to you and what she and you would be looking at realistically with you transitioning (how long? what changes? how do you see yourself in the relationship in the future?)...maybe she might find it possible to find a way to make it work. It really depends on the type of people you are and the nature of your relationship, and whether BOTH of you are really committed to staying together.

Like I said before... get honest with yourself too.

Do you WANT to continue with her with you as a woman also? Is that in your dreams? If not.... you know.

If you do, then be brave and be honest and see if there's a way to work it out. If you really value your relationship you need to factor it into the equation of how and when you transition. Otherwise you are just sending the same kind of line in the sand signal to her as she apparently sent to you, and that is NOT the way to make this work for both of you.