EllenTheWonderGirl
02-24-2008, 07:26 PM
I plan on writing a history, for what it may be worth, for others to possibly gain something from. I have been reading for quite some time, so am not writing this out of nothingness.
So many questions are asked repeatedly, and for good reason. We all need understanding, confirmation that we are not crazy, and a sense of belonging. Let me start this by saying that so many here have such great, supportive attitudes and responses that it truly warms my heart.
Ok. History.
I was 5 years old and in the first grade. Halloween was coming up, and my older sibs decided that I would make a cute girl. Hey! I was five, and getting positive attention from the same sisters that usually seemed to want to stuff me in the trash can out back and forget I existed! :D
Young pre-teen and teenage years: I discovered that I liked being with boys, but supressed it, and married the childhood sweetheart. Needless to say, it didn't work out. She was dissatisfied with me, and I discovered, much to my surprise, that I was with her as well. She was a goddess physically, but mentally and emotionally - well, not so much.
Young adult: Still trying to juggle my feelings, thoughts and actions. Married again. Found someone who seemed to be able to tolerate, if not understand, my "self". It wasn't to be. We had a child, but chose not to remain together after a few years.
Adulthood continued: Someone else came into my life. She was very intelligent and caring, and acted as though she understood. A year down that road, she decided that it wasn't worth the effort she was putting into it to continue. I thought, effort? On whose part?
Someone else came into my life. She was extremely supportive and understanding, but I was carrying around too much negative baggage, and did not treat her well emotionally. I continue to feel badly for not having taken the opportunity to shed my hardened shell when it was offered.
I lived, by myself, for a time. I took hormones for six months and lived as a women full time in a city. I experienced no problems with friends or employment. Then, guilt hit me in a big way. Though I had been sending money to take care of the child, I didn't feel right being selfish and "doing my thing" when my child needed a father. So. I moved back to BumDiddle Nowheresville, and spent the next bunch of years pretending to be something I'm not.
My child grew up, and is now considered an adult.
I don't know if I ever grew up. I still feel stuck in a pattern that can't be erased. Live, love, give, accept, deny, become defensive, escape, try again.
BTW. In reading other threads, a common theme seems to be fear of shaving. I have shaved my entire life, and have had a great number of relationships.
To be continued, possibly! I grow tired of typing.........
So many questions are asked repeatedly, and for good reason. We all need understanding, confirmation that we are not crazy, and a sense of belonging. Let me start this by saying that so many here have such great, supportive attitudes and responses that it truly warms my heart.
Ok. History.
I was 5 years old and in the first grade. Halloween was coming up, and my older sibs decided that I would make a cute girl. Hey! I was five, and getting positive attention from the same sisters that usually seemed to want to stuff me in the trash can out back and forget I existed! :D
Young pre-teen and teenage years: I discovered that I liked being with boys, but supressed it, and married the childhood sweetheart. Needless to say, it didn't work out. She was dissatisfied with me, and I discovered, much to my surprise, that I was with her as well. She was a goddess physically, but mentally and emotionally - well, not so much.
Young adult: Still trying to juggle my feelings, thoughts and actions. Married again. Found someone who seemed to be able to tolerate, if not understand, my "self". It wasn't to be. We had a child, but chose not to remain together after a few years.
Adulthood continued: Someone else came into my life. She was very intelligent and caring, and acted as though she understood. A year down that road, she decided that it wasn't worth the effort she was putting into it to continue. I thought, effort? On whose part?
Someone else came into my life. She was extremely supportive and understanding, but I was carrying around too much negative baggage, and did not treat her well emotionally. I continue to feel badly for not having taken the opportunity to shed my hardened shell when it was offered.
I lived, by myself, for a time. I took hormones for six months and lived as a women full time in a city. I experienced no problems with friends or employment. Then, guilt hit me in a big way. Though I had been sending money to take care of the child, I didn't feel right being selfish and "doing my thing" when my child needed a father. So. I moved back to BumDiddle Nowheresville, and spent the next bunch of years pretending to be something I'm not.
My child grew up, and is now considered an adult.
I don't know if I ever grew up. I still feel stuck in a pattern that can't be erased. Live, love, give, accept, deny, become defensive, escape, try again.
BTW. In reading other threads, a common theme seems to be fear of shaving. I have shaved my entire life, and have had a great number of relationships.
To be continued, possibly! I grow tired of typing.........