Advice for going out!..

[Deborah Jane]

Ok i need to ask this as stupid as it sounds!!
What is the secret to going out?
I keep getting myself ready to go out for my first time but just can,t manage to leave the house. I plan what i,m going to wear so that i don,t attract unwanted attention, i spend ages getting my makeup "just so". I,ve been practising how i walk and developing feminine mannerisms and i spend ages trying to convince myself i look ok.
I plan where i,m going to go and how i should react if people look at me.
Even a walk around the block seems impossible to manage, i just get to my front door and "freeze"!!
I,m sorry to have to ask this as i feel really stupid about it, but i really want to try going out!!
Plenty of others manage it, why can,t i?
I even tried a bit of "dutch courage", but by the time i was confident enough i could barely walk!!
Should i just accept i,ll never manage it and just give up!!

[Shelly67]

I,m in the same boat - please help !:o

[yms]

When I first started going out, I tried some good advice a friend gave me.

If I was going to go shopping, lets say, I'd stop to use an ATM first (after the bank was closed!) and maybe get gas at a pay-at-the-pump station.

These minor things got me used to being out of the car in ways that didn't require I get too close to people or interact with them. Then I'd park a reasonable distance from the store entrance so I had to walk a ways before getting to the door. Again, to get me used to being out of the car.

By the time I had to be around people and interact with them, I was much more acclimated to the idea of being out.

But in the end, it came down to whether or not I could accept the fact that people were going to read me and could I live with that. It wasn't until I accepted the fact that to them, I was a man wearing womens clothing, that I learned to relax and go about my business.

And then I realized that it was about self-acceptance, and not at all what other people thought of me.

Go for it. You will, in time, be so glad you did.

I have some other musing on the subject of stepping out here on my web site:

http://www.yvonnesplace.net/passing/passing.htm

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

I dont think there is an easy way to do it other than to take small steps. Maybe go out at night for a walk around the block (provided its a safe neighborhood). I think that once you actually get out there and find how really liberating it feels... you will never look back.

Once you DO take those steps, be sure to come back here and tell us how it felt :)

*go for it.

*hugs*

Zara

[Annie D]

We are all afraid of being made but you must overcome your fears and get outside. Many of the ladies who post here are alot braver than I am but I am making progress and so will you. But you have to make the trip, even if it is to go out to get a loaf of bread.

In the past 4 weeks, I have been out in daylight, twilight and after the sun goes down and each time I have gone on an errand, I have refused to wear a wig, I have gone wearing female attire and just my regular slightly long male hair style (no ponytail, not long enough yet). I have worn mainly capris and tight fitting, low cut tops, hoops, lipstick and sandals. I have gone, to Walmart, nail salons, massage therapy, and this morning gone to get donuts. None of my destinations were highly populated when I went but I got the courage to go out the door and not care about what I am wearing.

YOU ARE THE SAME PERSON WHATEVER YOU ARE WEARING! YOU CAN DO IT!

[deja true]

I'm not going out either, but I have a schedule to work to, and, come hell or high water, I'll eventually do it.

My fear is safety but mostly a hugely paranoid fear of being laughed at. So, I think the answer is to let someone, beg someone, to help you. Find a supremely confident girl in your area, find her here on the site!. In the UK, since distances are so short, that shouldn't be as difficult as for N. Americans who live so far apart.

Invite her to come see you and give you a serious and truthful apparaisal of your style. With her help, I think you can make that leap!

The other alternative is to pay someone to help you. Pandora's and the Boudoir in the UK both seem to be the best dressing services I have ever seen in all my years of trolling the net looking at and admiring girls of our kind. If I was in the UK, even if I lived at the farthest tip of Scotland, I'd have been at one of those two places in an instant after i'd seen them on line.

UK girls seem to have so much easier and better access to help than us over here. I'm surprised you're not all out there having fun!

My best wishes to you both and hope you can get out soon. We've wasted too much time being scared and depressed! Let's go, girls!

(anticipatory) respect & love (for all with the cojones to make the big leap)

deja

[Belfast Bill]

As a guy who loves you girls, going out successfully depends on a number of factors, some of which you have control over, and some you don't.
If you are already pretty tall, and wear high heels, then people are going to look twice at this sexy amazon. Of course there are tall girls, but they get extra attention, because they are so tall
If the style of your clothes suggests a hooker, then people are going to look twice. How good your make-up is, how you walk, your mannerisms are important.
I have met girls at a tv group whose make was amazing, clothes beautiful, but whose walk etc was so manly, it was a complete and instant give away.
One of the best things is confidence, but if some of these other factors are wrong then people will take a second, third and fourth look and you get spotted.

[deja true]

Bill, a lot of us just don't care about 'being spotted". We just wanna go out and be accepted. oh, and have fun...

[Suzy Harrison]

I don't think any of us who go out in public found it anything less than nerve wracking at first. It is very hard, but the rewards make it worth the trouble believe me.

The best start is to post your photo on this site and ask for advice. Next, as others have said, just take small steps. Get yourself in a position where you're just passing someone in the street here and there. Your confidence will take time to build.

What ever you do don't have a few drinks before hand as that is not helpful.

The secret for going out in public is this site. Without it I wouldn't be out at all. There are plenty of girls on this site who inspired me - namely Dita, Joann07 and TxKimberley, without them I'd still be all dolled up.... sitting at home behind closed curtains.

So stay on this site and all you need to know and do, will come to you from here.

:hugs: Suzy

[Deborah Jane]

I,ve got photos on here..My most recent are "Blond or Auburn" posted this week in the gallery. I guess i,m afraid to ask for honesty as i know myself i don,t really pass:(

[annekathleen]

First time that I ever ventured out was after dark, which is obviously easier during the winter months. just being in my vehicle, driving around, dressed as a woman, was so exciting and stimulating. My vehicle has dark tinted windows, so you really can't see me that well, I was fulled dressed, complete with a wig, breastforms, stockings, slip, high heels,
Summer time just seems a little more difficult, or maybe I get a little less braver?:fairy3:

[deja true]

Passing's not really the issue if we start with co-conspirators. Passing can be worked up to. That's my agenda! We need the confidence boosting of sympathetic friends and admirers who know us as people first. And face to face seems best to me. Then we can start to deal with strangers.

Look Debs, you've been here for over 2,000 posts and you're still inside! Some of us cowards need that one on one push. I know I do!

I'm thinking that a lonely walk around the block or a drive in the car don't really count if we never make contact with another human, even if it's only just to smile or wave.

[tiffanythecd2001]

:happy:Hi; I went for my first time to a crossdress meet last sat, but i had long day at work, was tired, so there was my my mistake number 1, i won't post a pic, cause without the right makeup on and stuff,i'ts was bad so give yourself plenty time, i should'a took the day off, make sure clothe's's are right, i wasn't even nervs or anything, all the sister's there made me feel right at home and the owner of the group said we could give me a face makeover,and other said with the right wig and clothes and makeup, i be hard to tell from a women, i told her to go ahead, next we sat down to eat chillee and stuff and bascaly just talked about gen stuff, like a bunch of sister's at a overnight stay, yes it true they will read you, and i do the same thing too, too learn more, my new freind say's to me , you are worst critic, so if i can get out of the deep closet, anyboby can , i'm the biggest scardee cat there is, just do it, you wont regret, biggest thing for me , i got out, i had ton of fun, and made new freinds, i'm planning a trip to the Mall of America now,if i pass there you can pass anywere,Tiffany:heehee::love:

[Dayna]

Deborah, when I saw your thread title I decided I was going to give you a list of things to do, to 'prep' before going out, but it looks like you have done them all. The only thing I would add to the list is a safe, friendly destination (that, or take a buddy with you).

It's like jumping in the pool on a chilly day... it may take a while to hit the water, but once you do you won't want to get out.

Take as much time as you need to; confidence will get you where you want to go.

PS: Go to the 'Out and About' section, then read and re-read the Tips on Safety.

[Suzy Harrison]

I,ve got photos on here..My most recent are "Blond or Auburn" posted this week in the gallery. I guess i,m afraid to ask for honesty as i know myself i don,t really pass:(

I've just looked at the photos and they are fine. You look a lot better than you think you do. So don't worry.

:hugs: Suzy

[Deborah Jane]

I've just looked at the photos and they are fine. You look a lot better than you think you do. So don't worry.

:hugs: Suzy



Aww Thanks Suzy:hugs: You are so kind, the trouble is i can still see "him" when i look at them!!

[Emily Ann Brown]

The secret is NERVE, ATTITUDE, MOXIE, GUTS......

....good way to build some of those is to put on hose and a pair of black flats, then finish dressing as a male, leaving off the socks. Go out after dark and just play around (oh, take your man shoes with you in case you have a panic attack). You will quickly see how nobody cares if you are a bit oddly dressed. Then try it in daylight. Then, after you have some nerve built up, try dressing casual and going to a gas station late in the evening. Plan your "outting" so you know which pump will get you the farthest from the cashiers and how you will exit if you have a panic attack....and leave the car door open so you can get in quick.....it's amazing how if you feel you have an excape all planned you don't worry as much. After a couple of those you are ready for a stroll in a quiet park in daylight.

Emily Ann

[Deborah Jane]

Wow!! So much good advice allready..Thank you:hugs:
I just feel i need to do this now as i,m feeling stuck indoors and need to go further with finding out where this leads for me.
I know theres more to this than just dressing up and i need to know what.

[Suzy Harrison]

Aww Thanks Suzy:hugs: You are so kind, the trouble is i can still see "him" when i look at them!!

That's perfectly normal - Honestly I can see 'the him' in all of my photos, but I bet you can't - as you don't know what the 'him' looks like.

It's the same for the rest of us when we see your photos, we can't see 'the him' that you can see.

[Di]

Everyone is giving you great advice. I want to add this...................After you decide what you are going to do...mall, just a walk...whatever it is act it all out in your head. how you will walk....how you will be confident and so on. Then when you go for it....if you get nervous....be an actress do exactly as thought out a head of time. DO NOT look around DO NOT keep your head down..this will call attention to you. Act like you belong ( and YOU DO belong) act confident and enjoy.

[Kate Simmons]

Other than the obvious that others have touched on, the real "secret" for me is just being myself.:happy:

[Nicki B]

Start by not walking around your own block - drive to somewhere you're anonymous? Start small - get used to walking, moving, being yourself before you start interacting with people?

Or go out with other people (I've already given you a few ideas of where)? :)

[Gemma Rhodes]

Deborah, I can understand why you can't seem to get out and about. I have been out shopping to pub, clubs etc but although my first time out was nearly 3 years ago I have still not been out in my home town. I don't think anyone would recognise me as even my own brother never the first time he met Gemma but I still can't bring myself to go out locally.

I have been out many times many times dressed but always away from my home town. My debut was a fantastic feeling and it still feels great when I am out and about dressed but as Ive said every time I have been out it has been where nobody would recognise me.

It was just something I had to do and i'm really pleased I did. Everywhere I've been I've had no stares or abuse at all. Maybe you have friends who live away who know about Deborah and you could visit them and go to a pub or go shopping. I promise you though being out and about en-femme is very addictive. Just be warned that when you do finally make it out you will want to do it again and again.

Take care,

Gemma

xx

[tamarav]

My apologies up front if I step on any toes or make this post too long but it has to come out. I don't want to sound as if I know it all but I want all of you that really want to go out to grab your bouncy parts and do it!

I did the exact things you are doing for years, had self-doubts, went to the car and ran back into the house, ventured to the mailbox, on and on. I wasted huge amounts of my life with my own insecurities.

Then I had a CD friend that had been going out come over and wait while I got ready. She almost physically dragged me into the car and drove to a nice quiet mall in an outlying area. She said that we would establish a plan and know exactly where we were going in and where we were coming out. We would not stop at any shop, just go in one door and out another, then back to the car and speed away like rats.

We followed the plan, got back in the car totally breathless and made it home without incident. I sat in my living room waiting for the hordes of people to come to the door telling me that they had seen me in a dress go out in public. It never happened.

I wasted years of my life being afraid to go out and when I finally did, no bells rang, no alarms went off and no one really gave a rats ass that I had gone out. What? Was I so plain that no one cared, was I so beautiful that every one else was intimidated? What was going on?

At the same time in my male life I was counselling employees, couples and groups on their behavior! When I finally realized the dichotomy of this whole scene I realized just how self-defeating I was.

I was the only thing holding me back from having a great time going out. No one else, just me. My own self doubt kept me locked in my seclusion and was making me more and more depressed.

After joining CD and similar groups and getting out to meetings and group occasions, I realized just how much fun I could have and that I could live through the process. I survived 2 tours in vietnam, 2 gunshots and numerous injuries due to shrapnel and I was afraid to walk outside because of what other people might think of me. What a waste of time!!!

Somehow I thought my way through and started going places with experienced CDs that took me by the hand and led me like a little child gets led. As time went on and I was the experienced CD I took one or two newbies on outings with the agreement that if any one of us was uncomfortable we would all leave. This included walking in malls, going into clubs, wherever we went. After the first few times of the most intimidated member of the group calling a halt to the evening and all of us leaving only to sit down and discuss the feelings and fears that we all realized just how weak we were.

We were letting other people control our lives, we simply turned over the keys to our happiness to strangers that could just look at us funny and send us into a tailspin of self doubt. Biggest waste to time in my life.

Time went on and I got more bold and gained more self control. Today I work dressed in the public (albeit a somewhat safe environment, a beauty salon) but nevertheless I now go anywhere and have a built-in excuse if I run into someone who "reads" me. Funny thing is, now all I get are comments about them being intimidated, that they are pissed that I look better than they do or that their husbands took a real interest in me. (I am not trying to sound like I am the most beautiful thing out there, it just seems that the amount of work you put into your appearance shows clearly and if the viewer put less time in they feel intimidated, nothing more) (although I feel "hot" most of the time!)

I went over the top and finally understand the inherent "pecking order" that women establish with every single woman they encounter. They immediately do a "threat assessment" and establish in their mind where they sit in relationship to the new female entering their territory. They either feel above the new one or intimidated by some aspect of her appearance (because at this point it is all appearances, they have not even spoken to the new female)

Women are their own worst critics, we have to take the back seat on this whole "game". We are so naive about the game we don't even know we are playing.

Now don't go and put on your best vinyl outfit and 6 inch heels and take off! Learn how to walk and not attract unwanted attention, take modelling classes and gain poise. Put an effort into fitting into a situation or looking and acting better than the typical woman out there.

My experiences with women now make me laugh at my former sessions sitting in a car outside a mall for four hours until the mall closed and "oh well, they closed before I was ready". Humans are so insecure. Every woman I have met has some insecurities, we have more than even the most insecure woman. We as individuals are our own worst critics, our own worst enemy. We defeat ourselves.

Ask for help. It may take the form of approaching a single woman while out in the world and simply asking if they think your skirt goes with this top, or admiring their shoes, or something to show that you are not a threat to their "self established" order in the pecking order. You would be amazed how accepting people are when they feel they can help you.

I have had women ask me to join their group in clubs. I was intimidated by being with real women until I just asked why they asked me to join them. The responses varied from "because you were by yourself and no one needs to be here alone" to "because you are the cutest woman in the room and we would get more attention if you were with us".

The power you give yourself once you understand the game that goes on in the real world is astounding. Stand up tall, look people in the eye, smile. It is completely dis-arming. You are now the top bitch in the pecking order (not my term but heard from more than one woman) and need to show that you have the self confidence to pull off this charade and feel comfortable.

Once I fully understood this game I went over the top. I now put more effort into my appearance than anyone I work with, than 99% of the people I meet, and get placed at the top of the list on their pecking order. As an example, I got a call from a rival wig shop in my same city. The guy had never met me and was asking what lines we sold and how much we charged. We were clearly not in his exclusive league (he sold really expensive wigs with very custom work in them)

The next day on my way to work, I stopped into his salon. I walked through the door and all conversation in the shop stopped, dead. I strutted into the room in my 5 inch heels, dressed better than anyone in this red-neck city, wearing the best looking hair for miles. I introduced myself to Donald, the owner of the salon and he looked me straight in the eyes and said "You bitch!!". He is the gayest guy you ever want to meet and works on some of the most gorgeous babes around, but I stopped everything with my audacity. After I quit shaking, and had met everyone in his salon, and was welcomed with open arms, each stylist told me how intimidated they felt when I came in. And we are talking about some really good looking women!

I have come full circle on this pecking order game. Not quit as far as I had anticipated but there nevertheless. So I am accepting the role and making it even more outstanding.

Stand up, be proud of what you do, use restraint until you can pull it off. fit in before you try to outdo the rest of the crowd.

The pictures below were me at work yesterday February 29, 2008.

[Deborah Jane]

So much help and inspiration..Thank you!!
Tonight i,m going to try again and this time i,m determined to succeed!!
If i don,t succeed tonight i,ll try again tomorrow and keep trying until i finally manage it.
I will go out i promise..I need this for myself!!

[Nicki B]

I was the only thing holding me back from having a great time going out. No one else, just me. My own self doubt kept me locked in my seclusion and was making me more and more depressed.

Worth saying again, IMHO... :)


..each stylist told me how intimidated they felt when I came in. And we are talking about some really good looking women!

A couple of friends of mine were eating in the restaurant at the top of Harvey Nicks in London, when they were approached by some genetic girls sitting at a nearby table - would they please mind moving, as the boys at the table on the other side were only looking at them? :D

[JoAnnDallas]

To me the secret is "Be yourself".

[carolyn todd]

deborah trying to get out the front door is like "a leap of faith"
when i step out for the first time i open and close the front door
20 or 30 times in case someone was come along the pavement
(side walk) that was in one night, i said to my self if i don't go out tonight
i might not get a chance, once you are out that door you will want to go
further than you plan.

let us know how you got on
best of luck
go for it
carolyn xx

[MJ]

it's just your fear debs . i wish i was there to help you .. :hugs:. but you have some great advice . print off some small pictures of your t- friends put them in your hand bag. and that way we are all with you ..
you have nothing to fear you look better than i do for god's sake i'am the ugly sister next to you and i am full time. i wish i had your hot bod .. you can do it ..you look great .. just do it

There must be sisters in the uk near you.. plan a outing with them .. or come to canada hun i'll look after you

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

There is no secret! "Do what you fear most and you will control the fear", don't let it control you.
We don't know your situation in life so it is difficult to give advise, everyones situation is a little different but in general terms it is all about your getting what you want and not giving in.
Good luck!

[SouthernLady]

Everyone is giving you great advice. I want to add this...................After you decide what you are going to do...mall, just a walk...whatever it is act it all out in your head. how you will walk....how you will be confident and so on. Then when you go for it....if you get nervous....be an actress do exactly as thought out a head of time. DO NOT look around DO NOT keep your head down..this will call attention to you. Act like you belong ( and YOU DO belong) act confident and enjoy.

Di is absolutely right. I felt intimidated by the assumed stares intially. Like everyone else, after I had been out enfemme, I expected mobs to converge at my home with bullhorns and burning torches! For the most part, no one really cares! Confidence and composure is the key.

The one important piece of advice I can give: It's not against the law!

[JessieB]

Start by not walking around your own block Lol, that's what I was thinking! If you're worried about being outed, your own street, even your own neighborhood, is the last place you need to be strolling around. IMO, the most important thing is finding a more suitable place for your outing, a place where you can feel reasonably safe and interact with other people without fear of being recognized by someone who knows you. I also recommend doing your first first few outings at night -- daylight can be rather daunting at first.

Initially, I suggest a gay bar, preferably in a different neighborhood than your own, or in a different city. If it will make you feel better, call ahead to confirm that you will be welcome. Then just do it -- you won't believe how much difference a friendly smile makes, and how exhilarating an outing is. Make friends with the bartender first, and be sure to tip him generously right off the bat. If the bartender likes you, he or she will smooth the way to you meeting other people.

But if you're not ready for that, do as others have suggested and go to a TriEss meeting or something. And remember, you don't have to have a perfect look before you start going out -- trust me, that will come as you get feedback and gain experience.

[Littlej10]

You look fine.
I would suggest as othe rgirls have that you have an objective, something simple. The strategy I found easiest to handle was to post a letter. Choose a post box away from home, (no neighbour/acquaintance problems), but somewhere you are familiar with, preferably with a car park handy. Take a few minutes after you park to become familiar with your situation before getting out of the car. Take your time, try to appear casual in everything you do, locking the car, walking etc. - I know you will be turmoil inside but appearance is everything. Casual and confident means noone will bother you.

[Charolette time]

So much help and inspiration..Thank you!!
Tonight i,m going to try again and this time i,m determined to succeed!!
If i don,t succeed tonight i,ll try again tomorrow and keep trying until i finally manage it.
I will go out i promise..I need this for myself!!

Just returned from Burger King, fully excpecting a frown, but it turned into a great lunch, the sales girl was fabulous and asked several questions and I felt right at home, and all the time my stomach was doing summersalts, :devil:and recieved a lot of compiments about being able to go out in public dressed in shorts and a nice top and my bra and forms underneath, even put on some of the S Os perfume and her Gold necklace, shes away for 3 days so Im a bacherlet this weekend, :happy:go for it, Charolette

[jennifer41356]

Everyone is giving you great advice. I want to add this...................After you decide what you are going to do...mall, just a walk...whatever it is act it all out in your head. how you will walk....how you will be confident and so on. Then when you go for it....if you get nervous....be an actress do exactly as thought out a head of time. DO NOT look around DO NOT keep your head down..this will call attention to you. Act like you belong ( and YOU DO belong) act confident and enjoy.

Di
I couldnt say it better myself, so what she said:D:love:

[RobertaFermina]

I went "out" within safe groups and found myself (as Roberta) there. That is, I went there, dressed, participated, "un"-dressed and returned to my male world.

Once I felt confident of who I was, I realized how much fun I could have being free to go out without a scheduled meeting to attend, or bringing myself in a bag in a box.

I went "over the threshold" in my way. When there is something fun I want to do, and I feel like I might be shamed or laughed at, or disapproved of, I get angry. It is not OK for someone else to set MY boundaries.

So I decided, "so I'm 'read', or 'busted' or 'accosted'....so what!?" I went out the door "already dead", resigned that everything I feared (short of assault or murder) was *going-to-happen* and I was going to enjoy my freedom anyway.

When I went out, I was still concerned whether anyone found my "well-dressed" or "semi-passable" but I was not concerned about being universally approved or accepted. I'm so glad that it all went well. I found people who have something to say, do it with nervous glances, or pregnant silences....politely. I have heard two insults over a year of dressing and going out, and I had snappy comebacks for them before I realized I had been insulted.

I can't recommend my "angry approach", since I wouldn't want to be responsible for someone else's "CrossDresser bites Dog" story, but it is what I did. Notice I didn't employ the "rage approach." Anyhow, anger is the emotion that leads to action, and in measured amounts it is quite positive.

Hope you find something in here that works for you, Dear! :hugs:

:rose: Roberta :rose:

[Deborah Jane]

TONIGHT I,M GOING OUT AS DEBS!!
If i don,t do it now i,ll lose face and any respect i may have on this forum!!
I,m planning to go out in my car and when i feel comfortable i,ll park up and try and go for a small walk!! I intend to go in 2 hours.

Thanks for the help and advice...Wish me luck!!
BTW I feel nervous as hell and i,m shaking, but this is MY choice to go tonight..If i don,t do it now i never will!!

[Sam-antha]

But Debs, you do have a lifeboat.

Drive careful, ( heels and the gas pedal do not go very well ) do not forget your licence and remember getting out of a car with a skirt is tricky.
Spare car key ? (I locked myself out once.) Plenty petrol ?

Do not worry too much about the makeup, light is poor in the streets - keep in well lit areas please, places with people around -. Not that anybody is going to attck you or go close to you.
Remember people do not look closely at other people, and at night there is not that much to see, except a female shape occupied by a blonde good looking female.

All the very best and we do know you will enjoy the surge
Huggsses
~Samm

[RobertaFermina]

Dear Deb,

you can't lose face or respect....this is a sisterhood facing a challenging fate *together*. Whatever challenge you face, win-lose-or-draw, you are always welcome with me. :hugs:

it might just help going out when you know you have a warm and friendly place to return to. :hugs:


:rose: Roberta :rose:

[Annaliese]

Is there a support group near you.

I would never have made it out the first time if I did not have someone to go with.



Anna

[Tamara Croft]

Ok i need to ask this as stupid as it sounds!!
What is the secret to going out?
I keep getting myself ready to go out for my first time but just can,t manage to leave the house. The secret is quite simple... and you're obviously doing it all wrong... so do this: -

1. Put the key in the lock and turn it until the lock is open.
2. Turn handle on the door until the door can be moved away from the frame.
3. Pull the door towards you, put your left foot foot first, then your right.. and so on, until you're outside the door.
4. Close door behind you :D

So, now you know how to go out the door properly, there's nothing stopping you is there?

:heehee:

(this is posted in humour incase you can't see the smilies) :D :D

[Deborah Jane]

The secret is quite simple... and you're obviously doing it all wrong... so do this: -

1. Put the key in the lock and turn it until the lock is open.
2. Turn handle on the door until the door can be moved away from the frame.
3. Pull the door towards you, put your left foot foot first, then your right.. and so on, until you're outside the door.
4. Close door behind you :D

So, now you know how to go out the door properly, there's nothing stopping you is there?

:heehee:

Good advice Tamara...I,ll let you know later if it worked:happy:

I appreciate the humour..It,s making me less nervous!!lol

[Tamara Croft]

Good advice Tamara...I,ll let you know later if it worked:happy:The trick is... putting the key the right way up... maybe you're doing that wrong? :lol:

(you know I'm going to get slapped for this don't you)

*adds lots of smilies*

:devil: :drink: :hugs: :love: :heehee: :tongueout

[Wendi0012]

Any time out of the house is scary!! Don't make plans it causes stress and ruins a good day out. Just be your self and have a good time. What we don't know our have the courage to face scares us and we can't let that happen. We all have our own ways of day too day stuff so really can't help much but if up to me to say Go out girl and have some fun.




Love Always,
Wendi:love:

[Maria2004]

This is ironic but the honest truth Deborah Jane. Back when I was deep in the closet, dazed and confused, eye's bleeding from all the porn my internet searches were turning up, but slowly began to find out "I was not alone" and there were "cross dressers" that looked so lovely and classy, and one personal web site that inspired me the most was a CD that lived in the UK. Both her site and her pictures were beautiful and elegant, but the one thing that stunned and excited me the most was "O....M....G! she goes out in public dressed", with pics of her and her friends out on the town having a good time in London. I thought I would have to actually go to the UK if I wanted to go out, not knowing that just 2 hours north of me is one of the most T friendly cities on the planet, Atlanta. Today I'm free and open and go out when I can. I was terrified at first too, but it passes with experience. You've gotten a lot of great advice so there's nothing I can add. Looking forward to reading your first "Out and About" post.:happy:

[Deborah Jane]

Thanks everyone for your support:hugs:
In about 30 minutes i unleash Deborah Jane on an unsuspecting world!!
I have to go out now..I,ve said it in front of witnesses!!
OMG what have i done??

[Sam-antha]

He knows

[JoAnnDallas]

My first real outing where I had to enteract with others up close was HEF2006. I remember sitting in the SUV all dressed and staring at the Hotel Front Entrance. I finially told myself that other CDer were in the Hotel and everyone in the Hotel knew it so it was not that bad. I got out of the SUV and walked to the Hotel entrance. As I was about to open the door a GM came out, looked at me, held the door for me, and said "Morning Mam". All of a sudden all my fears just dropped away. I smiled at him and walked in. I was no longer alone. When others found out it was my first public outing, they made it a coming out party for me. One of the forums that day was on "Going out in the Public".It was a full house. LOL I learned a lot that day and made many good friends too. After that, when ever I went out dressed, I was no longer nervious. Like many of us, I was afraid that people would see who I really was and start screaming and yelling at me. This is not the case. I have now found most people will not notice you, those who do may have doughts, and only less than 1% of whom you meet will really notice. Of that 1%, if they are GG's most of them may just smile and not bother you. As some have said, it is all ATITUDE. That is
1. Act like you belong there
2. Act like you do this everyday
3. Smile at people that look at you.
4. Don't dress over/under the top.

[Ruby B]

Don't worry so much about passing, just have fun. The whole point of going out is to be who you are. Once you get over the initial fear you have you will want to go out more and more.
I remember the first time going out with a GG friend, we went to Mel's Diner in Hollywood. I felt like everyone was staring at me, when we left a really cute girl came up to us on the street and said to me "OMG, you look so hot!" I was stunned and couldn't even say thank you. I had been "made", made extremely happy and proud that I went out.

[Sam-antha]

It will soon be time for that drink Debs.

[Deborah Jane]

I did it!! I went out!!
I,ve posted a thread in the "Out and about" section for anyone who wants to know how it went!!
Thanks for the encouragement:hugs:Debs

[Nicole Erin]

YOu could go to a gay or drag club. Yes people will notice [we are loved :D] but the attention is almost always positive.

It is a start and will get you used to being around others.
Or is there a support group? Most groups will have a place you can change clothes.

Things like walking around the mall [the acid test of confidence], maybe save that for later times when your confidence has grown drastically.

Finally, maybe carry your male clothes in a bag with other things in case you need to bail out later.

[Sam-antha]

Now you have arrived you can do it to your own choice when you like, almost.
congrats

[Laurelanne]

take small steps, spend a few moments just in view on your balcony or porch, try it at night first just run to the store at the corner etc.,
My first I was 14 yrs old I went three houses down the street then I went to the corner, then around the block then the corner staore.. the rest is history good luck let me know YOU CAN DO IT !:2c:

[Nicki B]

So......

What was the secret, Debs? :winking:

'Just Do It'? :)

[slamddoger]

is there a suport group in yor are that you can call . and hook up whith you and help you out

[Sarah Doepner]

That sounds so odd and mystical, but that's how it worked for me. I'd been dressing for several years and knew I wanted to go out, but the chance never developed on it's own. I had to create the correct circumstances so I would be as comfortable as possible. I thought a lot about what I was doing and what aspects of my appearance and behavior made me the most paranoid and I worked to change them. It took a long time, a lot of dreaming and visualization and a lot of work.

Regardless, I can't count the number of times I was frozen in my room. Finally the day came when I knew I wouldn't be able to face that woman in the mirror again if I didn't stepped out as planned. It wasn't a good trip, but I haven't stopped getting out since that trip. So, there is no single secret beyond being patient and keeping your goal in mind. The magic builds every time you try and eventually you know you are ready. You may not be perfect, but you are ready.

[shirley1]

i have the same problem - i have been to a tg meeting a couple of times but havnt yet mastered the courage to go out dressed from where i live - have to change when i get there - annoying to say the least - especially when so many you meet just go out dressed - for me i think its just the thought of going out on my own - with others i feel safer - like i am not the only guy dressed

but i read someones post on a british forum about how they took their first steps by going to a dressing service and they took them out with them - i had that oppotunity a few years back and god i wish i had done it - see for me its just a case of confidence and if i could spend a few hours out and not get a bad response of people i think it would just boost my confidence no end - its just the thought of going out alone getting no further than half way down the road and someone shout "thats a guy dressed as a women" that really puts me off - i know that plenty have said passing not that important but if you are worried about how you look to people its not going to help your confidence to go out in the first place is it

[Missy Anne]

Deborah,

Although I am relatively new at going out, it began to get easier for me once I decided that I really don't care what anyone thinks.

I believe I was actually hoping for an encounter last time out so I could prove to myself that it is not the end of the world if I get read.

Missy Anne

[Jilmac]

Deborah, dutch courage will never do it but keep trying girl because if you give up it may end up being a step backwards. It may be best to find another girl from your area to help boost your confidence. I did just that for my own confidence and went to a jazz club for a night of entertainment a month ago. My biggest fear now is being read by my neighbors and when the weather breaks and the days get longer there will be more of them outdoors. I think that will be my ultimate test of courage. Let me say I'm pulling for you girl, I hope you will find the courage and pride to go out. Luv and :hugs: Jill

[suspender]

Suzy from WA and Tamarav, thanks for what you have said on this subject. some of the stuff on this site over the years has helped me heaps, so much so it has assisted me in other areas in coming out. Suzy, you sound like a great aussie chic - thanks alot again.

[Christine Kelly]

What is the secret to going out?
Confidence!
Not really caring what anyone will think and just doing it.
(At least that has been my experience.)
After your nervousness dies down a bit,
you learn to enjoy yourself! :)

[Deborah Jane]

I,ve been out twice since starting this thread and for me it was determination and the advice and support of my friends here that finally got me out!!
I hope some of the other gurls in the closet can also benefit from the good advice given here:)
Thanks everyone:hugs:

[lucya_od]

Ok i need to ask this as stupid as it sounds!!
What is the secret to going out?
I keep getting myself ready to go out for my first time but just can,t manage to leave the house. I plan what i,m going to wear so that i don,t attract unwanted attention, i spend ages getting my makeup "just so". I,ve been practising how i walk and developing feminine mannerisms and i spend ages trying to convince myself i look ok.
I plan where i,m going to go and how i should react if people look at me.
Even a walk around the block seems impossible to manage, i just get to my front door and "freeze"!!
I,m sorry to have to ask this as i feel really stupid about it, but i really want to try going out!!
Plenty of others manage it, why can,t i?
I even tried a bit of "dutch courage", but by the time i was confident enough i could barely walk!!
Should i just accept i,ll never manage it and just give up!!

you got nothing to say sorry about, i am also in the same boat as you, why not go out side at night 12pm where this is no-one around. and you can get used to walking out side. i am going to do the same as soon is i find a wig that suits me. at the end of the day us girls have to stick together. is that right? love ya girl friends. xxxxxx lucya xxxxxx

[Nicki B]

Perhaps you need a mod to change the thread title...

Lucya, are you in Plymouth UK? If so, you're the second Lucy I know who lives there? :) (The other one goes clubbing in Plymouth, but often comes up to Bristol, for nights out..) There is a friendly group at Exeter (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showpost.php?p=1087569&postcount=5), too, that some of the girls from here go to?

[Deborah Jane]

Perhaps you need a mod to change the thread title

Great idea Nicki!! There is a lot of good advice here [it got me out] and i would like to think others could also benefit from it.

Over to to you mods!!:)

[Sam-antha]

I would like to take this thread a step further with your help, Debs (and others). I did chat with you considerably before and during your run-up to the key of the door and I like to think that helped.
Now that you are out, committed and happy I would like to know :
Do you think that going out to a club would have helped you to get through the door and onto the public pavement ? Or is it possible that the club would have simply been a postponment of the pavement walking ?
Your ~Samm

[CharleneT]

This is a great thread !!! Many wonderful suggestions and encouragement. I especially recommend that you read yms's comments on her website. Very well written and helpful.

[jessielee]

Deborah,
so happy for you!
thank you for sharing the entire process with us chickens step by step!
you are an inspiration!
hugs,
jessie

[slamddoger]

is there a suport group in your aer that you call on for help. is ther a place that dose makeover that you can is appment whith in your are. mabee thay can help you out

[Deborah Jane]

I,m glad others are also benefitting from the advice i got from this thread!!

It got me out, so hopefully it will help others too!!:)

[KimberlyS]

Advice for going out really depends on who you are as a person.
Many will say start small like go for a drive.
Some will say get a friend to go with you.
Some say you first need to perfect your looks, walk, talk, and everything else femme.

For me it was different. It was a decision and being out of town. Because I certainly did not do everything right. In fact I do not think I did much right.

I was going out of town on business. Way out of town to Milwaukee and would not know anyone. All I had was a few under things and a wig. So I picked up some clothes and shoes at a second hand store on the way to the airport. The first night I was there I bought my first makeup, picked up some PH, and scoped out a route to take a walk. The second night was to be the night of my outing. I put on makeup for the first time ever. Put on the clothes that I got which were too tight and used some socks to fill the bra. The wig, bra, and PH were about the only things that fit or looked right. Then after about 20 minutes of going from the door back to the mirror, to the door, then check if I had my room key, then .... I finally opened the door and out I went. I know I did not look good but I was going to do it and it did not matter what other people thought. I said that over and over as I went on my walk. And even more as someone approached. "It did not matter what others thought". My route ended up going through a night club area which the night before, Thursday, was not very busy, but that night being Friday was busy with couples and groups of people coming and going. But I stuck to my route and kept repeating to my self "it did not matter what others thought".

After I got through the club area I realized yes I got some looks, some laughs, and a couple of "IT'S A GUY" comments, but that was it. And most did not seem to notice me like they were too involved in their group. Yes they seen me enough to avoid me when walking. But most people really really did not look at me in detail it seemed. I finished my almost hour walk with a slow stroll back to the hotel with my feet getting sore from the heels that were also too small.

So my advice is get out of town and just do it.

p.s. Deborah Jane I am glad you made it out.

[Carly D.]

Speaking as a closet crossdresser I can only think that CAUTION and research should be two things to think of.. go to where you think it would be safe, ether a park or beach or walkway.. and be ever so careful...

[Megan (VA)]

Congratulations Deb! Each time you walk out the door it will get easier and easier!

There is a lot of good advice in thie thread. One thing I would like to add is when I venture out I try my best to pass but if I don't I am happy to settle for people seeing me as a respectable looking transgender woman. If they see that then I generally know things will be okay because they will see me as a person, not a joke.

[Janet Bern]

Some advice for going out
1. Get away from home
2. First time wear partial female clothes womans jeans, flats, sweater. and see how it goes. Malls are good out of town, noone cares they are busy
3. Second time work with the wig and makeup
4. try a long skirt and flats
slowly you will get used to it
I have found that noone really cares

[victoriamwilliams1]

First I am glad you made it out:)

My 2 cents:

Believe it or not I have found that height is not a major factor as we think based on the following.

If you dress for the time of day as well as the day. No evening wear in from 6am-5pm and casual on weekends unless you have an event.

Dress your age or if you look younger go for the younger look, I know people who are older than they look and they pull off the younger look! this is both GG and TG.

Make you first outing to an ATM, Car Wash or Gas station, however do this before dark.

Before going out make sure you used the restroom and avoid any drinks and food. Drinks because you may have to go and it is not advised to go outside in public or you may also be nervous in the ladies room. Do not eat, you could be so nervous and cause you to have an upset stomach.

Go someplace where friends and family will not go to. When I started I drove 60 miles or more away from home and family, I still do this now. This works real well since in most cases people will never see you again.

Try going out early in the morning and run simple errands like to the post office or bank. If you brave again leave you area and visit 24 hours stores. Note make sure your dressing the part, no fancy clothes at 7am.

I did this and now I am more comfortable dressed and being out during all hours of the day or night. My start was to a mall that was on it death bed and one time the upset stomach hit me and it was off to the ladies room and that was nerve wreaking at first. Now I prepare and only go to the ladies room in office buildings or as needed, which is very seldom since I basically fast for about 12 to 24 hours before an outing.