Bad Questions to Ask a Transsexual

[Valeria]

I haven't noticed this being posted here (apologies if I missed it).

This is an amusing and sarcastic video clip by Calpernia Addams, wherein she addresses many of the most common annoying questions and comments heard by trans people in general (or trans women in particular). Don't watch this if hearing the word "dumbass" a lot will offend you...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BOjeZnjKlp0

[CaptLex]

Hey, it's Calpernia from Transamerican Love Story (on Logo)! :happy:

Haha, that was good - very funny, and very true. :thumbsup:

[ZenFrost]

Amusing, and unfortunately true. Though one of the comments on the video really pissed me off. :rolleyes:

[Cai]

The ditch/pole one right? I saw that too. :rolleyes:

[Elizabeth]

That was really funny. Just what I needed. It made me smile.

Elizabeth

[Sejd]

What's with the cleavage thing? and the electric fireplace in the back ground?
I never got far on this video, It totally boored me to death. Not a great promotional or whatever for the TS community. Sorry to say, and no offense, that's just my 25 cents of input.
Sejd

[KrazyKat]

Still laughing, thanks Kehleyr!!!


I laughed at her references to drinking and picking up a glass and drinking, lol!! And, what was your previous name, lol, and what did you look like!!:rofl:

[Perrinielle]

Oh great !!:haha::haha: I cracked myself up, I love Calpernia !!

[Joy Carter]

I hope she was just being facetious, about how she feels about this. Because her life has to really suck if she's sensitive about questions like this.

[CaptLex]

I hope she was just being facetious, about how she feels about this. Because her life has to really suck if she's sensitive about questions like this.
There's humor in her video, but I imagine she's very serious about the subject. It's no picnic being asked the same stupid, intrusive and insensitive questions over and over and over again - and mostly by people who don't want to learn, they just want to poke fun at us. :doh:

[Perrinielle]

I agree, how many times have people asked me "so do you become gay now?"
I am pretty sure Calpernia was just trying to make fun... don't take it too hard

[Valeria]

I hope she was just being facetious, about how she feels about this. Because her life has to really suck if she's sensitive about questions like this.
Her life probably does suck in some ways. There are disadvantages to being famous (or at least semi-famous) for being trans.

In any case, some of these questions are just rude and insensitive. Asking a trans person their real name really does equate with calling their current life a fraud. Asking a trans woman if she dates gay men is tantamount to calling her a gay man. Why shouldn't she find them offensive?

I don't think my life sucks at all, but I got really tired of people asking when and if I was going to have genital surgery when I was first transitioning...

[Joy Carter]

Her life probably does suck in some ways. There are disadvantages to being famous (or at least semi-famous) for being trans.

In any case, some of these questions are just rude and insensitive. Asking a trans person their real name really does equate with calling their current life a fraud. Asking a trans woman if she dates gay men is tantamount to calling her a gay man. Why shouldn't she find them offensive?

I don't think my life sucks at all, but I got really tired of people asking when and if I was going to have genital surgery when I was first transitioning...

That's not what I meant. You have to learn your self, how to take others. If not you will only harm your self. How did we get to this point in life, to expect everyone to know every detail about what makes us, or anyone uncomfortable ? Sure some ask a type a question just to be mean. But seriously. How many TS do any every day citizen meet ? Why would it be offensive just because they are curious. Maybe we should educate, rather than take it to a negative plain. Or hand out a pamplet like one TS did, when confronted about these questions. Something that sounds too over the top in my view. I don't think in our society we really know how to take others. What ever happened to "sticks and stones ?"

[Cai]

It's not offensive to be curious. Some of the questions that she mentioned aren't offensive, depending on the tone that they're asked in. Like if someone asks for your "old name" - you can politely tell them you don't give that information out (but that's different than being asked for your "real name").

However, anybody that asks about a trans person's genitals deserves whatever response they get - that's not an appropriate question unless you're planning on sleeping with someone. People with an ounce of common sense and decency know this, even if they've never met a trans person before.

[CaptLex]

However, anybody that asks about a trans person's genitals deserves whatever response they get - that's not an appropriate question unless you're planning on sleeping with someone. People with an ounce of common sense and decency know this, even if they've never met a trans person before.
Exactly! You know that's not a question people would ask non-trans people, but for some reason they think it's okay to get very personal with trans people. :Angry3:

[Valeria]

Some of this is just common decency. I don't make a habit of asking other women if they've had a face lift, or liposuction, or some other form of surgery - and I certainly don't ask them if (for instance) their genitals were scarred by childbirth. I think it'd be pretty amazingly insensitive to ask a breast cancer survivor if her doctors cut off one of her breasts.

I'd just like the same courtesy - especially from people with whom I'm not that intimate. Just because someone is queer, or different in some way, that doesn't mean that the boundaries of common decency don't still apply.

I've got a whole list of rude questions you can ask a lesbian couple with a baby, too - "Who is the father?", "Did you adopt?", "Which of you is the real mother?", "How did you decide who would get pregnant?", "Why didn't you want to carry a baby?". All of which I've heard, most of them many, many times (and often from people that have just met me). :rolleyes:

[Cai]

I've got a whole list of rude questions you can ask a lesbian couple with a baby, too - "Who is the father?", "Did you adopt?", "Which of you is the real mother?", "How did you decide who would get pregnant?", "Why didn't you want to carry a baby?". All of which I've heard, most of them many, many times (and often from people that have just met me). :rolleyes:

:doh:

Why do people think this is appropriate?

I mean, you wouldn't ask someone who'd decided to adopt "why didn't you want to carry a baby?" or "who's the real father?"

Then again, I've got common sense. Apparently some people lack that.

[Nicki B]

Then again, I've got common sense. Apparently some people lack that.

You are young.... :D

[Cai]

You are young.... :D

Oh, trust me - I've met plenty of people who lack common sense.

At the top of the list are the people that feel the need to come up to me to mention "You're wearing men's pants/shoes/jacket/a tie." Oh really, I got dressed in the dark and didn't notice! Thanks for telling me! :straightface:

[GypsyKaren]

What I like are some of the questions I get from Cd'ers who know that I'm a post-op...

"Do you ever go out as Karen? Do you take advantage of it by wearing a dress, pantyhose, high heels and makeup everyday? Why not?! Do you have sex?" I'm not making this up...

The only weird question I ever got was from a bartender after I told her I was a post-op TS'er, "That's the same thing as being gay, right?"

I take it all in stride as something that comes with the territory, and I do like having the opportunity to educate the masses about us, I think a lot of it comes from ignorance but they mean well...at least I sure hope so.

Karen Starlene :star:

[kerrianna]

At the top of the list are the people that feel the need to come up to me to mention "You're wearing men's pants/shoes/jacket/a tie." Oh really, I got dressed in the dark and didn't notice! Thanks for telling me! :straightface:

:lol2::lol::go:

ROFLMAO

[Joy Carter]

You just don't get it. I agree with Kehleyr 100%. First of all once you're done the process you want to have a "normal" life. Hard to do that when people who know or find out are constantly asking rude questions, reminding you of a past you'd like to forget! Although I must admit it just doesn't happen anymore except for a rare question from one of my girlfriends. I limit my educating the public to on-line advocacy where I can stay anonymous thank you. And I do that to help make things better for those who transition after me.

Second of all, how to they know I was born TS? Are you assuming I don't blend in? Basically only my coworkers know (because I transitioned on the job), nobody else sees a "TS", not my patients (work in a hospital) and not other people out on the street. I'm just another woman period. Contrary to popular belief many of us transition and disappear back into society, we do NOT stick out. And not to brag, but being 5'6" helps a lot in that respect.

Furthermore you seem to think that "TS" is an identification. Maybe for some, but not for me. I am a woman. I was born transsexual, but I fixed that, the parts all match now and I'm moving on.

Is it not up to you the individual whether you get up set or not ? Just how many battles can you stand......Really ? Your injecting yourself, your situation into this. It's not about you personally. This thread can apply to anyone who is differant. Race, nationality or sex. The world will always have those kind of people. You can't avoid them. I'm just saying, you just can't go around letting others get to you.

[kerrianna]

What ever happened to "sticks and stones ?"

Actually Joy, it's interesting you say that. Carol and I were discussing the way girls know how to hurt each other and we agreed that the 'sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me" thing must have been invented by a guy... because names are a real weapon for girls and are just as effective as sticks or stones, if not more so.

And to get back on topic....

... I think it's natural that someone who has moved on from something in their lives doesn't want to rehash it just for the benefit of educating others. That's a personal choice. Sure, it can be a good opportunity to educate and most people are probably genuinely interested, but sometimes people need to be sensitive to what they are asking and who they are asking.

I've noticed that the people I have told I am transgendered are very careful about what they ask and how intrusive they are. Because in most cases I am happy to talk to them about it, having been the one who brought it up in the first place, they feel more at ease. They are careful about how they word things I noticed. Especially when they KNOW they are confused about the sexual thing. The last person I told kept bringing the word 'gay' into the conversation without actually saying she thought being trans was being gay too, so I eventually volunteered that being trans wasn't the same as sexual orientation and she seemed apologetic for kind of thinking that way.

But that was MY choice to take the time to talk about it and answer questions. And there are just some questions no one should feel entitled to ask.

There's kind of a lurid fascination for some people, and that's quite different from genuine interest and concern. That's why I'm pretty selective about who I tell. So far I haven't had the unsolicited "hey I heard you were a tranny! So you like guys now is that it? You chopping IT off? WTF?" ... and when I do get that my only reply will likely be to turn my back. In the past I probably would have looked for their weakness and taken a shot, but I'm too old for that sh*t.

My job isn't to educate every Tom Dick and Harry about being trans... it's about creating a fulfilling and happy life for myself, and it should be up to me to decide when and how I discuss my trans stuff. Any sensible, decent person recognizes that and is likewise respectful.

[GypsyKaren]

What ever happened to "sticks and stones ?"

Whatever happened to taking people at face value for who they are? I'll treat you with courtesy and respect, you do the same for me, what's wrong with that? If they don't, you move on, that seems pretty simple to me.

I wouldn't walk up to anyone and ask them if they're right or left handed, let alone something personal, and just because I live my life as I have a right to doesn't give anyone permission to question it. It's all about being polite, something that's quickly disappearing from our society today, and that's a real shame if I ever saw one.

Karen Starlene :star:

[Valeria]

You know, I posted this video just as a potential source of humor. I'm pretty certain Calpernia made it primarily for humorous effect (though it certainly highlights an annoying truth, and given her current lifestyle I'm sure she hears these sorts of questions *far* more often than most people). I wasn't really trying to provoke serious debate.

I've never given a response like her joke responses in real life. I tend to be polite, even when other people aren't. But pointing out that these quesions are insensitive (and doing so in a humorous, over-the-top way) really doesn't seem like a problem to me.

If there are people that were triggered by something she said (as it seems there were a few), then I'm sorry. But complaining that she's too sensitive in a video obviously intended to be humorous seems pointless to me.

In my case, I hear the aforementioned annoying lesbian mom questions far more frequently these days (since I don't actually interact with people that know my trans history any more), so they are my chief pet peeve.

[Emily Ann Brown]

At the risk of Tamara tossing me off, the answer to "Are you having genital surgery?" for the dudes here is "Nah man, my **** is already bigger than yours."


Emily Ann

[ZenFrost]

What ever happened to "sticks and stones ?"

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can shatter the soul.

[Joy Carter]

You still don't get it. Did you watch the video? If you have cancer are you forever stigmatized by society thereafter? If you're black is it okay for people to walk up and ask you what's it like to be black? Is it EVER okay to ask someone about their genitals? Is it okay to ask any stranger you meet who you have sex with? Is it EVER appropriate to ask someone "Are you a man or a woman?"? No, no, no, no and no. We're talking about entirely inappropriate questions. Questions they have no legitimate question asking. And remember we're not talking friends or medical people, we're talking about people you don't know.

Why are you excusing this behavior? The only reasons I can think of is:

1. Shame-You believe you deserve this kind of scrutiny. Umm NO.

2. You get this kind of treatment and think we ALL should get the same. Umm No again.


Next, by expressing outrage at this obnoxious behavior we help promote change. By doing nothing we're saying it's okay. a.k.a. silence means consent. And guess what? You're right this can apply to anybody. That's why there was the women's suffrage movement, the civil rights movement, the modern women's movement and all kinds of legislation to protect various groups, nationalities, ethnicities and disabilities. The next step is to protect GLBT people. And we're not asking for "special rights" either. We only want, and deserve, the same basic rights and courtesies as everyone else. That's what this is about!

Oh I watched the video. She's making herself miserable by letting others get to her. Apparently you haven't read my posts. Pull up you big girls panties, and stop expecting everyone to be the way you think they should be. Your going to end up with a coronary, trying to fight the rest of the world. Move on girl. :rolleyes:

[Valeria]

Apparently you haven't read my posts.
She's read your posts. She disagrees with you.


Pull up you big girls panties
What a patronizing comment. Does anyone really think that ad hominem attacks like this are an effective form of persuasion?

Getting worked up about this video is like taking an Eddie Izzard routine seriously. Calpernia's highlighting something that deserves to be mocked (IMO), but I think that seriously analyzing her video for her actual emotional response to such comments is misguided.

Anyway, you seem to think that it is impossible to calmly and rationally note that a given comment is inappropriate, and that it's wrong for some of us to point that out. I don't agree, and none of your comments have struck me as a compelling argument to the contrary.

[kerrianna]

Oh I watched the video. She's making herself miserable by letting others get to her.

I think you missed the joke Joy. This is done as humour, which is done to help her deal with the frustrations. Most people I know who have watched it found it both funny and true and carthartic. It's ok if you didn't see it that way, but please understand that it was meant to be both funny and healing at the same time, and others see it that way.


Pull up you big girls panties, and stop expecting everyone to be the way you think they should be. Your going to end up with a coronary, trying to fight the rest of the world. Move on girl. :rolleyes:

Please try not to be patronizing and dismissive.

That's such a guy thing to do.

Better to just say, "Sorry, I didn't get the joke. I'm glad some of you found it humourous."

Sorry..."humorous"... in your language. :heehee:

So, speaking of letting it go, Joy.....

[Nicki B]

Lets not forget this was intended to be a fun thread... :confused:

There are two ways, to go, aren't there?
1. Let personal comments go over your head, it's their problem, not yours
2. Confront them and try and change the person's attitude

Most of us go through life choosing a mixture of the two, depending on the situation. But I know girls who try to fight the battle every hour of every day - and even they find they need time off, occasionally?

[Joy Carter]

Whatever happened to taking people at face value for who they are? I'll treat you with courtesy and respect, you do the same for me, what's wrong with that? If they don't, you move on, that seems pretty simple to me.

I wouldn't walk up to anyone and ask them if they're right or left handed, let alone something personal, and just because I live my life as I have a right to doesn't give anyone permission to question it. It's all about being polite, something that's quickly disappearing from our society today, and that's a real shame if I ever saw one.

Karen Starlene :star:

"Sticks and Stones may Break my Bones.
But names Will never Hurt me."

What part of this don't you understand ?

[Cai]

"Sticks and Stones may Break my Bones.
But names Will never Hurt me."

What part of this don't you understand ?

I personally don't understand it because it's not true for me. I don't mind being asked some of those questions (in the right environment) but I won't react well to being called names. I might have a snappy (practised) comeback or two, but when all is said done, it hurts.

[Joy Carter]

I personally don't understand it because it's not true for me. I don't mind being asked some of those questions (in the right environment) but I won't react well to being called names. I might have a snappy (practised) comeback or two, but when all is said done, it hurts.

Would a fist or a knife hurt you ?

[Cai]

Would a fist or a knife hurt you ?

Yes, of course. That's exactly my point, though - words are weapons too, and weapons hurt.

[Tamara Croft]

Wow, just wow, you take a bit of humour and turn it into a slanging match. I have just one comment to make... grow up!

This thread is done, take your bloody arguing to PM and keep your filthy comments off this board, it's childish.