Melissa A.
02-29-2008, 05:20 PM
Hi Girls,
I've been a member here for quite a while, although my activity over the past year has ranged from rare to non-existent. I guess many of us, whether it's an online group or a face-to-face one, go through periods like this. I'm finding out that this is true, especially, in the face-to-face tg world, as I become more involved in it, which is just in it's beginning stages. Life happens. You all are very close to my heart, always, whether I can get here or not.
So much is changing and evolving with me, I scarcely know where to begin. 4 years ago, when I first came here, I had just had the epiphany many of us have at some point: I'm a crossdresser. That's that. Acceptance is a wonderful thing. I decided I didn't really care who knew, and leaving behind years of running away and purging was a relief. But not long after, I started having more questions, and confusion. Which just wasn't fair! I mean, I thought I had this thing all figured out! First came an attraction to men, which just becomes stronger and stronger as time goes on. And really came out of left field,as far as I was concerned. In addition, I started feeling like a woman even when not dressed, and thinking more and more about going full time in some way. This process has been kind of slow, but in the last 6 months to a year, it has accelarated to the point where my head was spinning, and my mind was racing almost constantly. This just threw me. I've always considered myself, despite some obvious flaws, a pretty healthy person, mentally. I've never been obsessive about anything, and have never suffered from any kind of deppression. But I WAS becoming obsessed. And not exactly deppressed, in the classic way, but most definitely confused. As I have acted on some of my desires, like spending days at a time as a woman, when the opportunity presented itself, or dating men on occasion, The confusion and need to become who I am fast feeling like most of the time has only become stronger. Where did all this come from? I always thought I was just a crossdresser, and a hetero one at that. And I've always been told that gender and sexual orientation were completely separate entities. And that if you're ts, you usually know fairly early in life. In reaching out to a wider network of people, I have found that there ARE late-onset ts's, and that the whole gender-sex thing is not quite as black and white as many people think. many people break the "rules". I have been told that there may be something to the notion that I am heterosexual as a guy, and am heterosexual as a woman, and if I am a transexual, this does explain alot. At any rate, I finally found a well-respected gender therapist, and had my first appointment on Wednsday. It was a relief to get this process started. As I said, I'm also in the beginning stages of carving out a social life for the myself as a woman, and the resuls have been all positive, so far. I still have alot of confusion, and more questions than answers at this point. I believe now that there is a strong possibility I am ts, or at the very least, a trans person needs to make a real life for her woman side. 2 weeks ago, I was outed at work, through a lost cell phone, I had forgotten about, containing many pics of Melissa. At another time, this could have been cause for panic and hysteria. I work in a very male dominated indusry. But it happened, and y'know what? it just seems so insignifigant. I mean, I wish it didn't happen, but I have bigger things to think about. I really don't care.
So that's how a cd becomes a tg, and maybe a ts. I don't know what is going to happen. I'm happy, sad, scared, hopeful, and look forward to every day more than I ever have, because I'm learning more every day. So I guess I'm a walking bag of contradictions, right now. I'm sorry to go on so long. Thank you to those who took the time to read such a long post. I'll keep you all posted. Hopefully briefly, next time!
Hugs,
Melissa:happy:
I've been a member here for quite a while, although my activity over the past year has ranged from rare to non-existent. I guess many of us, whether it's an online group or a face-to-face one, go through periods like this. I'm finding out that this is true, especially, in the face-to-face tg world, as I become more involved in it, which is just in it's beginning stages. Life happens. You all are very close to my heart, always, whether I can get here or not.
So much is changing and evolving with me, I scarcely know where to begin. 4 years ago, when I first came here, I had just had the epiphany many of us have at some point: I'm a crossdresser. That's that. Acceptance is a wonderful thing. I decided I didn't really care who knew, and leaving behind years of running away and purging was a relief. But not long after, I started having more questions, and confusion. Which just wasn't fair! I mean, I thought I had this thing all figured out! First came an attraction to men, which just becomes stronger and stronger as time goes on. And really came out of left field,as far as I was concerned. In addition, I started feeling like a woman even when not dressed, and thinking more and more about going full time in some way. This process has been kind of slow, but in the last 6 months to a year, it has accelarated to the point where my head was spinning, and my mind was racing almost constantly. This just threw me. I've always considered myself, despite some obvious flaws, a pretty healthy person, mentally. I've never been obsessive about anything, and have never suffered from any kind of deppression. But I WAS becoming obsessed. And not exactly deppressed, in the classic way, but most definitely confused. As I have acted on some of my desires, like spending days at a time as a woman, when the opportunity presented itself, or dating men on occasion, The confusion and need to become who I am fast feeling like most of the time has only become stronger. Where did all this come from? I always thought I was just a crossdresser, and a hetero one at that. And I've always been told that gender and sexual orientation were completely separate entities. And that if you're ts, you usually know fairly early in life. In reaching out to a wider network of people, I have found that there ARE late-onset ts's, and that the whole gender-sex thing is not quite as black and white as many people think. many people break the "rules". I have been told that there may be something to the notion that I am heterosexual as a guy, and am heterosexual as a woman, and if I am a transexual, this does explain alot. At any rate, I finally found a well-respected gender therapist, and had my first appointment on Wednsday. It was a relief to get this process started. As I said, I'm also in the beginning stages of carving out a social life for the myself as a woman, and the resuls have been all positive, so far. I still have alot of confusion, and more questions than answers at this point. I believe now that there is a strong possibility I am ts, or at the very least, a trans person needs to make a real life for her woman side. 2 weeks ago, I was outed at work, through a lost cell phone, I had forgotten about, containing many pics of Melissa. At another time, this could have been cause for panic and hysteria. I work in a very male dominated indusry. But it happened, and y'know what? it just seems so insignifigant. I mean, I wish it didn't happen, but I have bigger things to think about. I really don't care.
So that's how a cd becomes a tg, and maybe a ts. I don't know what is going to happen. I'm happy, sad, scared, hopeful, and look forward to every day more than I ever have, because I'm learning more every day. So I guess I'm a walking bag of contradictions, right now. I'm sorry to go on so long. Thank you to those who took the time to read such a long post. I'll keep you all posted. Hopefully briefly, next time!
Hugs,
Melissa:happy: