Unusual Situation

[Christinedreamer]

Many times we read about the hesitancy and fear in trying to tell someone you are TG or a CD etc. Years ago as a teen, I tried to force the issue with my next oldest sister by donning my favorite nightgown, marching into her room and saying "I just wanted to tell you I am a transvestite" (the term in use at the time) she freaked and told mom and dad and there was a lot of silent treatment from her and stern warnings from my folks.

A while later, I told my oldest sister and she said she knew for years and was fine with it. She even gave me a babydoll pajama set of hers to keep. Later she secretly bought me one of my own.

Over me teen years I tried many ways to force a conversation with my folks. I deliberately got caught en femme, paraded around between my bedroom and the bath in my nightgown until they saw me. Only occasional short discussions and then back to ignoring "it"

I got married, the wife knew before and was very cool with it. We even bought matching outfits.

Over these many years I have learned that I am TG but not looking for full time or surgery.

Many times I mentioned any news story with a CD or TG theme, or a show with a similar theme trying to find a way to open a dialogue.

Finally, a few weeks ago I was feeling extremely depressed and almost suicidal and just blurted it out to my mom. " I am transgendered!" She knows what it is but she still blames herself for all my actions and feelings and will not except the fact that it is genetic and she did nothing to cause it.

She just looked at me sort of incredulously and said "You are NOT transgendered." That was pretty much the end of the conversation, no yelling, no humiliating "How could you do this?" etc.

Has anyone else ever been met with that type of response? Here I am "confessing" and it isn't accepted.

I think she expects to see all TGs as small, frail, and extremely effeminate.

I am not (unfortunately) any of those and she still sees me as the grown up version of the little boy always taking things apart to see how they work and not afraid to get dirty.

I hope I am not alone in this, but then again I don't want anyone to be as frustrated as I am.

just curious,

Christine

[RikkiOfLA]

Dear Christine,

Assuming you are not legally a minor, you have the right to figure out your own mind about things like your gender, sexual orientation, religious beliefs, and so on.

Having said that, many, many people (me included, but not just transgender folks) have parents who continue to treat us like children, long after we have grown up. My mother still nagged me about brushing my teeth until I was in my forties! If your parents are like mine, there is little you can do about it. They are, bless 'em, going to be who they are.

What you can do is to remember that you have the right to be grown up, but they have no obligation to act grown up. Your mother may be regressing into a second childhood, or she simply may not be capable of accepting your self-determination as an adult. Either way, you don't have to let her limitations limit you. Be yourself. Be comfortable in your own skin. As an adult, she, just like you, has the right to be herself. And if that means not accepting who you are, oh well.

Hope this helps.

Blessings,
Rikki

[Eugenie]

Dear Christine,

I would assume that you musn't be alone in that case. Moms tend to idealise their sons. And if you are the oldest of the sons she has or the unique one besides your sisters, she will probaby have even more idealised the image of her son.

With regard of her feeling guilty, considering your age, as mentionned in your profile, your mom was likely to have been submerged by the "parent guilt" psychological fashion in the 50s. Psychologists and psychiatrists were then almost all making parents feel guilty of the psychological difficulties of their children, especially the mothers...

She is not responsible for that. I would require too much effort on her part and on yours to try to modify her perception of such problems.

And you aren't guilty of anything either.

Perhaps, as mentionned by others, you should try to live your life on your side and just let your mom keep the image of the son she wants to have.

I am about your age, just a few years older. I considered telling my mom too, but in the end decided it wasn't a good idea I know that I am her "favourite" being the eldest of 3 sons and I would only make her feel terrible.

I know also that your case is very different since you had done a kind of coming out very early in your life, thing that I didn't do. But facing your mom's denial, it seems to be better to let her believe what she wants to believe.

I hope that you will find peace in your heart and keep your mom's love as well as the love for your mom.

:hugs:
Eugenie

[Christinedreamer]

Well as I am 54 yrs old and have had many many episodes over the years of trying to discuss this with my folks, I have seen some interesting shifts back and forth that only serve to frustrateme more.

Interestingly enough, as a young boy my dad used to tell me stories of he and his buddies skinny dipping, and "comparing themselves" etc. From my early years of TG discovery I thought this was an indication that he would be accepting of a TG inclined son. I was never into sports due to a "lazy eye"(since corrected) and when he and I were alone, he was more open to discussions about it. He taught me the audio visual business before anyone ever heard the term, and we worked together at his office even when I was no more than 8 yrs old. In other words we had a pretty good and close relattionship.

When my mom was present, his demeanor changed- not to a violent, raging insensed all "man" not wanting a pansy son, but only to a sarcasticcally toned, judgemental man who thought anything outside the "norm" was ridiculous. That change could happen in the course of 5 minutes.

My mother is of the school that you can simply ignore any feelings like this and tell yourself that they simply do not exist, ergo no problem. As was mentioned in a response to me first post, she is old school and follows the M/F handbook. No extra pages in her book for TG etc. She does not live in a vacuum and is a very intelligent and resourceful woman, so she is well aware of the vast discovery of TG etc feelings 'claimed" by so many but she cant see how its is possible to separate the "hardware" from the mental software.

In all other aspects of our life, even living apart all these years, we have been a close, supportive family but that is the same reason that I so desperately want them to try to understand me more and not dismiss this part of my personality and hence my very being out of hand. That causes and intense emotional pain as I am sure it does for many in similar situations.

[jessielee]

Dear Christine,
you strike a chord with me.
i can never tell my mother for i know exactly what her response will be.
she never let on that she'd hoped for a daughter.
though she kept the baby seats and things for another that never came.
but to her and my SO i could NEVER be a TG or justify CDng.
it was unthinkable, inconceivable in those golden '50s which spawned us!
and yet here we are.
your youthful glee reminds me of the movie Ma Vie en Rose
my life in pink.
i sincerely hope the best for you and yours. so glad your partner is ok with you.
we're ok with you!
in fact, we're with you!
your sister,
jessie

[RobertaFermina]

Well....denial IS the first stage of dealing with difficult issues.

Do you need her to accept your Transgender Identity ?


:rose: Roberta :rose:

[Emily Ann Brown]

To me it seems that you have tried and failed to get a dialogue going with your parents, your sister knows and is fine, and most importantly YOUR WIFE KNOWS and is okay. So what is the problem? You are who you are. You don't need mom's approval to be yourself.

Accept that you are TG but don't need 24/7 or surgery to be happy and get on with it. Love yourself, enjoy yourself, and don't let your family steal your happiness. Leave them in whatever lalaland they chose to dwell.

Emily Ann

[CharleneCD]

In all other aspects of our life, even living apart all these years, we have been a close, supportive family but that is the same reason that I so desperately want them to try to understand me more and not dismiss this part of my personality and hence my very being out of hand. That causes and intense emotional pain as I am sure it does for many in similar situations.

It sounds as if your parents love you. That is what is most important. But you cannot force them to accept your being TG. Show them love in return and dont force it down their throats. They either will or wont accept it in time, but will never accept it if you push. As I said, just accept that they love and care for you.

In my life, I have told my parents. I felt it was right that they know and be able to understand some of the changes they were seeing. I also wasa tired of lying about things. So they know and werent really happy about it so I left it alone with them. What purpose is there in continuously throwing it in their faces. But in time my mom has given little hints that while she is not thrilled, she does understand, and I feel that she would support me in anything if nessesary. They loves me and that is all that matters.