Feelin kinda ugly...

[Raquel June]

I don't know... I mean, I'm pretty drunk right now, so I dont' know if that means that I'm more in touch with my real feelings, or if I'm just being totally crazy.

I just want to be pretty. I really do. I try so hard. But when I think I'm looking good I take some pictures and oh God I look so terrible. I mean, I'll take like 100 pictures and maybe 2 of them will look like a kinda cute not-quite-passable girl. The rest of them look like some scary guy in a wig. I feel like such an idiot.

I go out to clubs almost every weekend, but a lot of times I'm the only CD there. I never know what people think of me. What's the deal with these guys who hit on me? Do they actually think i'm cute, or are they just having trouble dealing with gay feelings they're having and maybe it's easier for them to pretend they think someone's hot if that person is trying to look like a girl?

I don't even know what I am. I don't know what I'm attracted to. I don't know what I want for my future. I'm so alone. I wish I could be a beautiful princess and make someone totally happy forever, but I'm just a creepy guy who's totally alone. I just want someone to hold me.

Is there any common terminology for a girl who wants to be held but doen't want to be gang-banged? I suppose that's asking way too much to find someone who just wants to be nice to me.

I'm glad you guys are here.

[Stephanie Anne]

In vino veritas indeed!

You in your drunken truth touch on such a personal dilemma so many of us feel. I know I really relate to your words. Hope you feel a little better come the morning and know you aren't alone in the way you feel.

common terminology would be human...

[Angie G]

Recqule I think your are really pretty hun and there is someone ut there for you it will come. :hugs:
Angie

[Shelly67]

I agree with Angie . You are pretty and not alone sugar .
As for the photo,s well thank god for digital cameras , as I,ve deleted shed loads trying to get my looks captured . The best thing I can advise there is to treat yourself if you can afford it . A cheap tri pod to start , then a digital camera ( doesnt have to be too flashy - no pun intended lol ) with a decent timer on it .
Set it up , play about getting used to taking pics with you in drab posing . then delete em .
After that I,d pop int the shower room , grab the make up bag , youre favourite dress , then go pose like the pretty girl you are . Enjoy yourself .
Have pride in you girl . You should be proud of you .
I bet every girl on this site at some point has felt the same . I have , still do on certain days ....

As for guys in clubs ect ...most of them are cave men and behave like them.

If you ever wanna chat ..........:hugs:

[Kate Simmons]

Everyone is unique and beautiful in their own way my friend. The person known as Racquel is no exception.:hugs::)

[Gabie]

"As for guys in clubs ect ...most of them are cave men and behave like them. "

hehe thats a truth.

But remember that even to drinking loosen your tongue, its got a powerfull sading effect, and be who you want to be the more offten you can :hugs:

[Shelly67]

A word or warning when using a tri pod tho .....These vicious beggars have a tendancey to attack making girls like us fall over when walking past one . It seems they have a great dislike of stilettoe heels ......:Angry3:


Giggle.

[Sandi jo]

Hope things are a little better this morning.Did you sleep?Make sure you tell us how things are this morning

[Tasha T]

I just want to be pretty. I really do. I try so hard. But when I think I'm looking good I take some pictures and oh God I look so terrible. I mean, I'll take like 100 pictures and maybe 2 of them will look like a kinda cute not-quite-passable girl. The rest of them look like some scary guy in a wig. I feel like such an idiot.

I don't even know what I am. I don't know what I'm attracted to. I don't know what I want for my future. I'm so alone. I wish I could be a beautiful princess and make someone totally happy forever, but I'm just a creepy guy who's totally alone. I just want someone to hold me.

I suppose that's asking way too much to find someone who just wants to be nice to me.

I feel the same way.

[deja true]

Viktoriya said it! It wouldn't be a cliche, if it didn't hold the ring of truth!

Everybody has had that same drunken truth slap them in the face. Even every VS model and GQ hottie have had it. When our minds are unsettled, our bodies often become our enemy. But we see them in a light that is colored by the nature of our own self esteem.

The trick of reality is to deal with our issues and see ourselves, body and soul, as the beautiful person that we want to be. A person striving to live with inner peace and harmony will be more accepting and content with their outer shell, no matter the physical presentation.

All is maya, honey! The real world is no more real than any other dimension.

There is beauty in a gargoyle if the gargoyle is happy within.

deja

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

You are NOT ugly!

Trust me!

[TSchapes]

Is there any common terminology for a girl who wants to be held but doesn't want to be gang-banged? I suppose that's asking way too much to find someone who just wants to be nice to me.

Racquel,

My wife has expressed this feeling in the past. A lot of times she just wants to be held and not be an object of desire. To be noticed and acknowledged is not asking too much.

Drink some water, use an ice pack, and this too shall pass...

Love, Tracy

p.s. I think you're pretty.

[Michelle04240]

:hugs:

I do hope your feeling better. I too have taken scary man in a wig pictures...but then I have also taken some scary man without a wig pictures lol.

Salandra said it well, and I hope we have all made you feel a little less alone.

:hugs:

[TGMarla]

I can relate. There are many "guy in a dress" evenings, when no amount of makeup will hide the awful truth that I'm just not pretty, no matter how much I long to be pretty. Is it asking so much just to have been placed in this world with even a modecum of "pretty"? I curse the fact that I am so drawn to something that is not intended for me, and I do the best I can. I heave a heavy sigh, put one foot again in front of the other, and move forward.

It's all we can do. The alternative is to be miserable about it. I choose to not be unhappy. Rather, I try to enjoy my femme moments as best as I am able. Since I will not transition, I choose to make the best of it. Making a decision between gender dysphoria and completely turning your life inside out is a lousy choice, but it's all I have. So I just deal with it.

Incidently, I think you look pretty.

[deja true]

II curse the fact that I am so drawn to something that is not intended for me,

Who said it's not intended for you or any of us?

Maybe what was intended was the struggle of it, to see how we would do.


deja

[Christinedreamer]

I realized a long time ago that as a woman I am ugly enough to make a freight train take a dirt road. However if that pic in your avatar is you and you think you are not VERY pretty, sweety you need to clean your glasses!

As for most guys in clubs being neanderthals, That may be true but I have seen some real gentlemen totally ignored as they were not the six packed hunks or obviously loaded type.

Sometimes if you want to be treated and RESPECTED as a woman you must be sure to be a lady and look and LISTEN to the quieter guys who may be shy but would make you feel as though you were on cloud nine.

They are out there and avaiable.

Bill aka Christine

[slamddoger]

have you though about fine a suport group in your are to help you to feel better about yourslef.

[RobertaFermina]

I've been there in my mind, Raquel.

I have a ton of pictures that show me in unflattering poses and expressions. The best are good because I smile, and held myself "as if" I was a happy powerful woman. I think I can look ugly most of the time if I strike a happy expression or pose every minute or so. Folks remember the best, as long as the worst isn't forced upon them.

I decided to go forth into a happy future, and carry myself "as if" it is rushing hither to meet me.

It usually does!

As the self-help guru says...fake it till you make it...to the realization that happiness is a choice....wanna make it?

:rose: Roberta :rose:

[Stargirl]

Lighting has a great deal to do with photography. I used to look into soft lighting of the bathroom mirror, and think I was "quite nicely put together," only to venture into the harsh light of day, and pose for hundreds of pictures. I would review them with my friend, and whenever a bad image appeared on the computer screen I would panic, and say "You take that off there RIGHT now". I could find fault with pictures that my friends adored. I kept chopping, and verbally cutting myself to shreds. It didn't do any good.

YOU, Racquel, have to feel that you are beautiful, and you need to feel it when the situation presents itself by degrees. You can love who you see in the mirror (unconditionally) without being accused of being IN LOVE with yourself. You can't love yourself the way another person can.(They get that pleasure) But you might slow down on fretting, a bit. People can flatter, cajole, encourage, love, and adore you, and perhaps your "inner discontent" is just what you need to motivate action. (depending upon the particulars of the situation presenting itself, of course)

[RobertaFermina]

One thing I remember Raquel, I walk into a club or other place with the idea to help others have a good time (in a way that is OK for me) as much as in search of my own good time.

Being curious about people, and being willing to just stand/sit about and blather about whatever helps people pass the time is a good way to "fit into the scenery" and find my place. From that "sense of belonging" I realize that everything looks a lot less threatening.

:rose: Roberta :rose:

[sterling12]

Tain't no ugly.....Tain't no pretty. There's only you, and that is a unique thing. You seem to be doing fine, you get "hit on," you haven't been beaten up. You are doing like a lot of the rest of us, you are "getting by!" Tomorrow is always another day and it might be better, or it could be worse. The point is: "it will be something new."

I would take heart in the fact that you can write and express yourself. Apparently, you can also do it after you have consumed beucoup adult beverages. That ability to write is a useful thing, a lot of people have problems expressing themselves drunk or sober!

Peace and Love, Joanie

P.S. A Girl who wants to be held and not gang-raped? I would call her a "Lady!"

[jessielee]

dear Racquel,
i don't believe i can add a thing to what our wonderful, caring sisters have said above.
except perhaps,
this is what we girls can do;
we hold each other, as loving friends, as comiserators, as partners in this vale of tears. and the next day will come, perhaps a little brighter for the gloom and despair having been shared.
i suspect all gfs instinctively know how to build each other up, by their innate empathy. and we, having been deprived of that support maybe yearn foir it and respect it more now for the wanting.
but you must have more emotional equipment than your average xy person to be here in this family. so i trust your seeking, your instincts, your hunger and your coming to us.
flow with it, girl!
i hug you,
and i stroke your hair,
and i tell you you are beautiful.
and today is a new day!
please, talk to us...
very best wishes,
jessie
(somedays a man in a wig, other days my dream girl)

[Paula_S]

One thing that hasn't been mentioned yet...I wonder whether, given that you talk of being 'so alone', that you may be suffering from depression..? In which case you may need a chat to a doctor, which might address issues that the kind and supportive messages above can't.

[Sinthia]

I hate to sound negative but you are starting out negative by saying that you are ugly. Start out by making yourselt feel pretty. It is not about appearance. It is about your inner self. Once you have truly accomplished that, every thing will seem much prettier to you.

On a scale of ten-to-one, I start my day at 13. As the day goes on, I get better. Some days I go to bed at 20 or 21.

Greet people with a smile and a good morning that is laced with sunshine and birds singing. You will be amazed at the responses you will recieve.

This will not happen overnight. It will probably take several years, but you will certainly appreciate the results. And this is not just for crossdressing. It is for your whole life.

[MJ]

I just want to be pretty. I really do. I try so hard. But when I think I'm looking good I take some pictures and oh God I look so terrible. I mean, I'll take like 100 pictures and maybe 2 of them will look like a kinda cute not-quite-passable girl. The rest of them look like some scary guy in a wig. I feel like such an idiot.

Hey don't beat yourself up . if the truth be told we all have to try real hard to look somewhat girlie .
anyhow i hold the title of the ugly sister ..sister . you'll have to fight me for it :hugs:
Raquel you look great Hun . it may not be wise to drink that much ..


I don't even know what I am. I don't know what I'm attracted to. I don't know what I want for my future. I'm so alone. I wish I could be a beautiful princess and make someone totally happy forever, but I'm just a creepy guy who's totally alone. I just want someone to hold me ..Is there any common terminology for a girl who wants to be held but doen't want to be gang-banged? I suppose that's asking way too much to find someone who just wants to be nice to me.

the truth be told i want the same thing as you ..there is nothing wrong with that . just remember we enjoy your post and pictures you are great Sis your fans love you :love:

ps.......you are a pretty girl...

[Mary Jane1]

Couple of things come to mind Racquel, if that's your picture, I wish I was as cute. You don't have to be a glamour girl to feel pretty on the inside. Alchohol depresses...not a great way to feel good about yourself.

I think a lot, if not most of us here have felt like you do now, and I can pretty well guarantee all of us hope you're doing better tomorrow.
Take care, I for one am wishing you the best.

[Jennifer Giovannetta]

Dont say things like that racquel. You dont look like a scary guy in a wig. That is a terrible thing to say about yourself.You made me want to cry when I read your post. I think you look pretty. Actually looking at your picture, you are very attractive. Sometimes I say the same thing when I see pictures of myself. But we are our own best critics. Look at how much nerve it takes to put your feeling on the table with other people you never met. That alone is a commendable thing. Dont ever say things like that anymore, because it will become a habit.

[amandak_tv]

Racquel,

Your post left a huge lump in my throat. Please be kind to yourself. Those of us who can't bring themselves to venture out in public need the beautiful ones like you to get out there and represent us proudly.

I hereby summon all the power of the internet to send you this hug...:hugs:

May it find you in better spirits.

[Raquel June]

I kept thinking of this thread that I made, but I didn't really remember what I said. I just knew I had totally made myself look like a fool. I was avoid looking at it and seeing what I wrote, but I finally made myself do it just now. I remember I was crying and typing and felt sure that I had gone totally crazy and wouldn't be able to show my face around here again.

See, this great pub has $2 pint night on Tuesday, and I just can't pass that up. I'm not a total alcoholic, but I love Guinness, and I love Blue Moon, and I love Bell's Two Hearted Ale, and I love Stella Artois, and I love Great Lakes Burning River ... and Boddington's and Bass are pretty good, too ... and well, they've got all of it! How am I supposed to leave without 6 or 7 pints?

And then I come back to my apartment alone and start thinking about how crazy I am and wondering how there is any possibility of me being in a relationship that makes either of party happy, and knowing that even if I was I'd screw it up by being so simultaneously needy and distant...

Anyway, now that I look at my post I'm surprised I didn't say anything too ridiculous.

It's not that I'm weird and I don't like sex. I just run into people a lot that make it fairly clear that I could get sex anytime I wanted, and somehow that's made me much less interested in sex and much more aware of my lack of an actual loving connection with anybody.

But I do have friends. I have some really good friends. I'm not alone. I have two friends who have each referred to me as their best friend recently, and two others who have implied it. So I'm in a weird position as far as my social life -- I don't need new friends to hang out with, and I don't need sex, but I desperately wish I had someone next to me at night.

Yeah, I've been diagnosed with depression and "social dysphoria" ... I've taken a few AD things ... Zoloft seemed to help at first then it started dialating my eyes and making me puke. Lexapro just gave me a headache, and I stayed on that for a couple months. I think what helps more than anything is just forcing myself to get out and go exercise and talk to people.

You've all said such wonderful and helpful things. Now I'm worried that I've made all of you worry too much. Thank you so much. I'm sure I'll be fine. I'm sorry for my little fit.

[docrobbysherry]

I don't believe u EVER need to appologise to us here.

Just to yourself. I can tell from your sensative posts, your deserve to treat YOURSELF better!

[Joy Carter]

Where here anytime you need someone to talk with. :hugs:

[deja true]

Good friends who truly care for you are a huge part of the 'cure' for social problems. Even more important than drugs prescribed by a doctor that doesn't really know you.

Face to face friends, internet friends,we all count. Make use of us. That's why we're here.

You said it yourself. You need to go out and just talk to people.

respect & love (from all)

deja

[KittenKraske]

Firstly my dear, you are a fox! You have gorgeous eyes and beautiful lips :) So smile, it puts a twinkle in those eyes and thats what lips are for! I personally feel my best when I am stone cold sober and am well rested, I have found alcohol ruins that for me. Last weekend I went out on the town with my SO and we had a yummy dinner then went out for karaokee. I had a couple beers withs dinner and a shot and a glass of wine at the bar. My self esteem plummeted. By 11:00 I was acting like a jealous girlfriend and we had to leave early, why, because I thought I was a barely passable freak in a dress! I could barely understand what had happened I was so happy hours earlier, I had gotten numerous compliments and was feeling like the woman I know I am.

Alcohol is a nervous system depressant, it is also a emotional rollercoaster! The next day I had trouble seeing myself as beautiful at all, I did not look any different but my mind said I had lost my looks. I wasn't even drunk anymore! Alcohol is not our friend even though it tries to tell us it is. What it really wants is for us to "think" it makes us feel free, confidant and relaxed. It would like us to feel that it makes us feel good about ourselves when we are down. That is why the next day when we feel low we think a drink will make us feel human again... This is not the case. I would recommend not drinking for say a week or even two, then assess how you feel. I would guess that you will feel alot more confidant about the way you look. Besides if you drink, you don't get good rest, which equals dark circles under the eyes and puffy skin, plus a bad attitude.

As for photos, I agree with so many of the other ladies posts here, everyone from models to circus clowns take bad pictures, that is the nature of photography. Ever notice how when they do model shoots the photographer is snapping photos like mad, that is because MOST of the photos are not going to look good. Also notice the many lights and backdrops, these help immensely when trying to capture a moment the way you want to. I would suggest taking pictures throughout the day and in as many locations as possible. With full light from a window, soft lamp light, christmas lights add a nice varied coloring to your skin. Mix it up! The more variety you have the more likely you will be pleased with the results. Sometimes I look best in morning sun, sometimes I prefer the evening, NEVER do I like the effect of flourescent light, blah! As was mentioned above, use a tripod, use a timer, wrap yourself in nice fabric, drape a nice scarf behind you. You never know what is going to add to your picture quality.

Most importantly NEVER judge your looks with a picture, and NEVER judge your looks when you are inebriated. We are dynamic, evolving fluid creatures, our beauty is most prevalent when we are in motion, when we are doing, living, and being, not frozen on film. Booze and drugs just distort our view, and mess with our chemistry (redness, puffiness, drooping eyes, crooked smiles, drool...the list goes on.)

Oh and I want to say again, YOU ARE A FOX!!! I would love to see more of you if you have any other photos you would like to share, that way I could get an inkling of your true appearance as a dynamic fluid LIVING being. I hope you are feeling better now than you were, hugs to you my dear. :)