Why do SO's find cding so threatening ?

[dominique]

The reason I am asking this question, is because no doubt every one asked this question and its shaped our attitude as well eg will I come out, or will I stay firmly in the closet. Once we tell them is it we have become less 'manly' or is it there is another person in the relationship they weren't aware of and cann't handle it. Its open for your views. :hugs:

[Kelsy]

Because for the most part it is threatening!

First of all,the SO is confronted with a dimension of your personal make up that is not easily explained.

It calls into question her years of conditioning. Most have a set order of things in their minds, up - down, left - right - right-wrong even male -female.

The SO is forced to contemplate issues such as "what does it mean to be female or male" "the are you gay question" and many many other curtural, moral, and relational matters. education and understanding of the issues can help lessen the threat but each SO has her own set of beliefs etc. and there is never a guarentee that acceptance can be the out come.

CDing carries with it some very unique challenges!!!

Kelsy:)

[brendaisagirl]

dominique,
Let me try to explain the SO/FAB side. The dressing for me brought a lot of my issues to the surface, that I finally had to deal with. The bigges hurdle we (DH and I ) had to over come was my fear of loosing him to something I could not fight, how do you fight something within him. I had to fight to understand, sometimes not so well. Talking honestly, it helped that it was never kept a secrect from me and I had never been lied to. That kept trust on your side. It is not a bed of roses, we both have to give, when I'm really tore up about it he will not fully dress, we have bought panties and he wears then most of the time. I am very active in the dressing and have picked out most of the clothes and helped with the makeup and pick out the wigs. If you work together this does not have to tear the relationship apart but add something new and different, if both are will to be honest and accept honest words and comments. Sometimes both must listen with the heart and not the mind.
Brenda

[Shelly67]

Brenda is right . Coming out to my wife certainly emerged some issues of my character . Thankfully she already had suspected certain attributes . as a male , I,m male alright . Loud at times , quick to anger in certain situations , but with a very sensitive side at all times . During a heated argument once , I was very readily shouted at and she said for why was I so femanine . This was well before I,d come out . In fact it was one of the deciding factors that almost enforced me to come out .
On doing so , boy , did , life change . My wife was so suspicious of my gender , ( and why hadnt I done it sooner - why the secrets ) that arguments came thick and fast . It was a turmoil of emotions for us both .I was scared I,d lose my lifelong partner . Thankfully after many heart to hearts she at least told me she understood , that I was still the man she fell in love with , but with a femanine side that couldnt be denied and therefore because she hated seeing me so pent up in hiding such a secret it was better out in the open .
As time wore on , there were several instances where things would go off the rails and arguments would rise up . these were times such as spending so much time online chatting to other t girls ( I was trying desperately to learn how to adapt my dressing in my matromony ) and when buying tons of clothes or make up .
I never understood why she felt it threatening . but little did I realise to her it was almost like another woman taking me away , and like a self obbsession developing .
So , we sat , talked , cried togther ....and thats the secret . TOGETHER .Even to the point of when buying a new item , my wife gets treated the same . Trouble is she now pinches my clothing lol .......
We chatted some more , I learnt how she felt . I,m afraid with such a secretive issue as crossdressing , it can become a self obsession , and although we love our partners , we do at times come across as almost ignoring them .

So , after many a chat , in honest calmness , I decided to take a step back . Indeed to woo my wife as I had before , but this time gently introducing her fully to Michelle . It took a while , but it was worth it .With questions asked , I simply gauged her reaction and then decided on either backing off or taking the subject of my dressing further . At her pace tho . Indeed to be more considerate .
She now no longer feels as tho she,s lost her hubby ,the threat has gone but instead found a funny , more relaxed , chatty , person that has developed and now fallen in love with more than ever before .Someone who has been totally honest , no deception .
After all , theres many a truth in the old saying " a marridge must be worked at "
She now no longer feels pushed aside or lonesome or even worse that she is untrustworthy with this great unaceptable secret that resides in behind closed doors in society .

In other varients of married lifestyles , it could be something else that takes place - ever heard the term golf widow , keen fisherman , football fanatic , workaholic ??

I wonder if this maybe some of the reasons why marridges breakdown . Lack of contact and communication .

I know now the only way to make a marridge work with girls like us ,( or any partnership ) is to commit yourself fully towards youre wife . After all isnt that what we crave - attention and love ?
You just have to be so damn careful how you go about it all ........... gauge the situation , the last thing you want to do is hurt anyone ......

One thing never to forget - we did take a oath - For better , for worse ........

END OF SERMONN...:)

[Sheila]

Because for the most part it is threatening!

First of all,the SO is confronted with a dimension of your personal make up that is not easily explained.

It calls into question her years of conditioning. Most have a set order of things in their minds, up - down, left - right - right-wrong even male -female.

The SO is forced to contemplate issues such as "what does it mean to be female or male" "the are you gay question" and many many other curtural, moral, and relational matters. education and understanding of the issues can help lessen the threat but each SO has her own set of beliefs etc. and there is never a guarentee that acceptance can be the out come.

CDing carries with it some very unique challenges!!!

Kelsy:)

Well I am so glad Kelsey that you feel you can speak for So's so clearly :Angry3::Angry3:

I do not find it threatening, unusual maybe, disconcerting on occasions but never threatening ................. why the heck would I be threatned by a man wearing clothes initially designed for the female gender ????

And I am sorry but I am offnded that you assume that all females (you did say her .......... although there are male SO's as well ....... now, who is letting conditoning get in their way ?????) are just creatures of conditoning............... some of us can actually think for ourselves we don't actually need anybody male or female to do it for us:Angry3:

I am also of the belief that each individual has their own set of beliefs etc. and just because they may not agree with yours does not make them wrong or biased

[Ginnifer]

For my SO she was afraid that she was loosing her man, the one that takes care of her and makes her feel like a lady. She also feels that she has to compete with Lora. I think for my SO Lora is the other woman. It is very confusing to my, however because my SO is always telling me how many of the things that she like about my Fem side. While not willing to participate in my desire to CD in any way, she likes who I am because of my fem side.

[Sandi jo]

My wife and I are in a good place now but it did not come overnight.We went through everything you have read and will hear.A sense of what comes next is the first fear but you have to talk as much as you can.If you can get past the fear the other side is great.It really depends on what you REALLY want,I made it clear from the start I wanted to be her man and her girlfriend and thats all I wanted,nothing more or less.

[Tree GG]

.... but little did I realise to her it was almost like another woman taking me away , and like a self obbsession developing ....


Summed up very nicely, thank you.

And this 'other woman', if you will, will win out. The husband will leave if she is threatened....either physically, emotionally, or permanently. But he will leave in some way. In the coming out after many years scenario, it's like blackmail or extortion.

And the obsession is just damned infuriating. If I spent that amount of resources on looking at men, commenting how handsome they were, wondering how I could make one that looked that good at home; wouldn't your male side be a bit threatened?

[dominique]

After reading your replies it seems that our SO's are frightened of loosing their man to a part of us that they don't understand, the reason why we cd in the first place. Also the prospect of the mariage ending and the values of society men dress one way and women dress the other, but we seem to seem to 'straddle' both and they want an explination to why we 'straddle' both. Great views girls.

[DemonicDaughter]

Summed up very nicely, thank you.

And this 'other woman', if you will, will win out. The husband will leave if she is threatened....either physically, emotionally, or permanently. But he will leave in some way. In the coming out after many years scenario, it's like blackmail or extortion.

And the obsession is just damned infuriating. If I spent that amount of resources on looking at men, commenting how handsome they were, wondering how I could make one that looked that good at home; wouldn't your male side be a bit threatened?

You know... up until reading this I honestly couldn't understand why many SO's had such a problem with CDing. The lies and deceit part I understood. I could even understand feeling like they were losing their partners' gender traits (i.e. losing their man/woman). But once they stated that they accepted it, I still was a bit confused on why it still seemed so difficult.

Is it that you (collective) feel in competition with the female aspect of the CDer? Seeing as how they spend a great deal of time and care on their appearance, does it make you feel like you aren't doing as much for yourself? Is it that you feel they are looking at other GG's and comparing their appearance and possibly yours? Or is it that they refer to their feminine side by name and give her a persona? Is it that its so different from you?

Or is it the idea of them being involved more in a feminine life and having more GG friends or looking more at GG's?

I'm not saying any of this out of anything other than trying to understand (as previous discussions have shown, I don't entirely think along the lines of normal, lol).

[KeriB]

I also think that SO's feel threatened by the unknowns... where is this going to go. My wife asked me about the the acronyms a few weeks ago, and I told her flat out I considered myself TG, but that my view of "TG" was a more encompassing one (anyone know how difficult it is to type while your nails are drying??)... Then the other question came later.. "you don't want to be a woman do you?" That's the unknown that I think my wife certainly fears... And, at this point in time, I cannot honestly answer either way. But, as noted here, communication is the real issue.. keeps things open if you can - we have a great relationship - and it will be ooh so much easier.

[Sandra]

I didn't find it threatening why should I be threatened by a loving husband, I just couldn't cope with the "pink fog", wanting to do this or that, wanting to buy stuff when really there was know need to. But we got through this by talking to each other.

As for the other woman this idea never entered my head and still doesn't even though she dresses 24/7 . I've been very lucky with my SO but reading some of the posts from other FAB members here, I can understand why they feel threatened, beacuse some of the cders are just selfish s.o.b and think the world revolves around them.

[Sandi jo]

Sandra thats really what I was trying to say,we talk about it so I know we are on the same page and I can see what she wants

[Shelly67]

Communicate . Thats all it takes . And learn to do it respectively ...like calmly.


Who ever said silence is golden needs a swift kick in the family allowance . :Angry3:

[Stargirl]

Many SO's feel that they are being "eclipsed" by another woman. They ask "How do I compete wth THAT ?" The answer is : Don't compete. Just be yourselves. Competing fuels anxiety. Who needs 2 problems ? ? Competing, and anxiety. We are all still evolving, and progressing. Setbacks, as aggrivating as they are, often strengthen inner resolve. We can only manage our own lives. Trying to force a situation rarely works. There are two worlds for each of us. An inner self, and an outward showcase. What else can we be ? Relationships usually come down to one thing : Mutual respect. When that is lost, the search may begin all over again for happiness. We all want to be high. It feels good to be giddy, and loved. I would be more worried if my "princess" didn't want to crossdress. I would tell him that when he's ready to talk about it, I will be in the living room writing, or something. Riding his back like a screaming banshee would never work.

[Kelsy]

Well I am so glad Kelsey that you feel you can speak for So's so clearly :Angry3::Angry3:

I do not find it threatening, unusual maybe, disconcerting on occasions but never threatening ................. why the heck would I be threatned by a man wearing clothes initially designed for the female gender ????

And I am sorry but I am offnded that you assume that all females (you did say her .......... although there are male SO's as well ....... now, who is letting conditoning get in their way ?????) are just creatures of conditoning............... some of us can actually think for ourselves we don't actually need anybody male or female to do it for us:Angry3:

I am also of the belief that each individual has their own set of beliefs etc. and just because they may not agree with yours does not make them wrong or biased


Sorry Jess,

I didn't mean to paint with a wide brush and certainly didn't mean to offend anyone. would you not agree that SOs like yourself are the exception to the rule ???

[jessielee]

so,
not all SOs are narrowly perspected,
just like not all guys are loud slobs and not all women are, fill in the blank...
i'm gonig to start a thread very soon on stereotypes so this is on my mind.
they are humans, like us. in fact, i am a SO to another, a life partner, vowed. and i meet or fail to meet or am still working on living up to expectations every day regardless of CD issues. as she does to or for me.
many people, near and far, can't see beyond what they think, believe or have received. and the rest of us are not any better, we just have seen or felt or received something a little bit challenging to the staus quo.
it's not as though we chose to have seen this or felt this!
like Moses on the mountain...
once experienced, our perspective/vision is undeniable and unavoidable, though i tried all my life till now.
the human experience is just beginning...
jessie

[slamddoger]

it is what will sociely think if thay fine out that you crossdresser .and were will she stand in sociely.

[yms]

My partner Lori wrote about this some time back after attending a SPICE conference:

http://www.yvonnesplace.net/partners/spice.htm

It's a bit long, but worth the read.

[KandisTX]

Now, I am by no means an authority on this subject, but as one who has had three marriages fall apart mainly due to my CDing, I think I can answer this safely.

Wife #1 who did not know about Kandis was definitely threatened by her as she did not know how to deal with her, she did not like her, and refused to have anything to do with her. So much that she used Kandis in the divorce to gain custody of our son.

Wife #2 was not threatened persay in the beginning and in fact it was her idea that Kandis be brought completely out of the closet and she in fact was the first to shave my body hair, dress me completely and do my nails and make up, in fact it was she that bought my first breast forms. THEN the feeling of threatened came into play as she began to feel that Kandis was more important to me than my regular life.

Wife #3 met me when I was out as Kandis, but gradually grew threatened because when we would go out and I was dressed, Kandis would get more attention than she did.

Wife #4 (GlitterGG on this forum) does not feel threatened as she would tell you if our home PC was working right now, she knows that Kandis is a part of the whole person that I am and accepts her as part of me.

Kandis:love:

[StacyCD]

From reading the posts, it is clear to me that there is such a wide range of opinions that each wife or SO will react in their own unique way. Of course, the unknown is scary. Wives will have to get over the trust issue and the is he gay issue before all of the other stuff can even be discussed. For some disclosure will end a marriage for others it is openly accepted--most are somewhere in between! All I know is that for me, I had to accept myself before I could have that conversation with my SO. I can't say that things are great but I'm much happier that I have come out to my SO.

[MarinaTwelve200]

Like with most "outsiders" the popular ignorance is that CD=GAY or at LEAST BI---and ALL that that popular Mythology entails---Being attracted to guys (and possibly running off with one), STDs, etc.

Us CDers are saddled with all the negative mythology and steriotypical behaviour associated with homosexuals. The first thing to do is find out what the hell she thinks a Homosexual IS in the first place. Just like our male classmates in elementry or Jr. High school most women ALSO think that a homosexual (queer) is "a Guy who thinks he is a woman" and all that would entail. The actual defenition simply being someone sexually attracted to the same sex is a more "adult" concept that most people think is only "something else' gay people do---Most people usually stick with their first definition they learned in grade school and carry that and its associated mythology into adulthood.

Most SO trouble with CDing is based on the childhood idea of a CDer being equated with the childhood idea of gayness. That problem should be addressed and the SO learning the REAL definitions of CD , Gay and thier (lack of) relationship, before it can cause needless trouble and difficulty.

[Cheryl T]

1. Competition...sometimes we either look better in the clothes or they perceive that and feel that we are trying to be better than they are.
2. They feel we are compensating for something that is lacking in them.
3. They are concerned..."is he gay?"...
4. If they like it then they start to wonder...."am I a lesbian?" ... another scary thought.
5. Am I losing my man...is he really a transexual and will want to become a woman completely.

It takes a wonderful, confident and loving woman to be able to look into our world and see more than the clothes and the "cliches" about us.
Luckily....I married just such a woman... :love:

[ColleenW]

From reading the posts, it is clear to me that there is such a wide range of opinions that each wife or SO will react in their own unique way. Of course, the unknown is scary. Wives will have to get over the trust issue and the is he gay issue before all of the other stuff can even be discussed. For some disclosure will end a marriage for others it is openly accepted--most are somewhere in between! All I know is that for me, I had to accept myself before I could have that conversation with my SO. I can't say that things are great but I'm much happier that I have come out to my SO.

Hi StacyCD -

I think you've hit on my situation. My SO knows but I think she's afraid and you're right, there's always the "is he gay" issue in the back of her head.

ColleenW

[DanaR]

Hi StacyCD -

I think you've hit on my situation. My SO knows but I think she's afraid and you're right, there's always the "is he gay" issue in the back of her head.

ColleenW

This is one question that they seem to always ask. The other is where does it end or what is next?

[chipster block]

Do you find him attracive when he' dressed in anI Love You way? Or more like just having agirlfriend over for the day
chip

[chipster block]

Advice on how to be that woman please.....
chip

[secretlypsycho]

Well, speaking purely for myself - I don't find it threatening, never have done.

I can't even say I questioned myself, my sexuality or any part of me in relation to this - for me it's never been about me, it's all him. And lol to the idea of being threatened by competition - sure he wears a couple of sizes smaller than me, sure his legs look better in a skirt than mine, but he's still a guy under that skirt, and besides, I do not view my husband as my competitor but as my partner.

Sure I've found myself thinking :wtf: more than once lol, and when DH first told me about it all I felt like I'd had a bomb dropped on me because I knew absolutely NOTHING about crossdressing and had absolutely no idea about it, but never would I say I've felt threatened by it. And almost 9 years down the track, I don't even have much of a problem with it most of the time. It's just become part of our lives and we just 'get on with it' as it were.

However, I can see that I probably would have had a lot harder time with it all had he hidden it for me until after we were married, or for any great length of time (he told me a few months after we first moved in together). And in fact, in all the years I've belonged to various CDing email groups or messageboards, the women I've seen struggle with it the most were not those whose husbands were caring, respectful, appreciative and willing to let their wives take things at their own pace and taking into account her thoughts and feelings - the ones who had the hardest time with it all were those who were dealing with selfish, self-absorbed behaviours, a lack of respect or consideration for her thoughts or feelings, a lack of consideration for the family as a whole, and other similarly negative behaviours "disguised" as simply being crossdressing. I say "disguised" because these character traits & behaviours do exist separately from crossdressing, even though they may be displayed through it... a selfish person is a selfish person regardless of what they are wearing.
:2c:

[Shelly67]

I couldnt agree more .
I most stupidly held Michelle in secret for 8 years after wedlock . I look back now and really want to kick myself . All those wasted , selfish years .
I do however have my reasons for not coming out to my lovely wife ....but when we sat down and chatted fully on my reasons , she could certainly understand . Strange thing is , now in the light of day they seem so silly .....
All those wasted years of not enjoying one another enfemme .....
B*gger !
A definate blonde:doh: me .