Do you accept yourself?

[Jill]

I've been thinking a lot about this lately and I'm trying to understand it. It seems like those that accept their CD side are the ones who are really putting themself out there, are conquering their fears, are the ones getting involved with CD communities, the ones who go out and shop for themselves with little fear or anxiety. I think even participating in this forum is a part of accepting your CDing. I know there are CDers out there who are even anxious about participating in an anonymous forum.

I am here, but I am a little ashamed of my CDing. I am terrified of being read or people knowing this about me. I got busted by my cousin several months ago and even still when I think about it, I am absolutely mortified. I want to go shopping for myself but again, I am totally mortified. I am not sure what to think, I think I accept this side of myself, I admit that I am a crossdresser but I am embarassed and ashamed of it at the same time.

Any thoughts?

[JoAnnDallas]

I used to feel that way for a long time. Then I started slowly going out, first for drives, then to the gasoline station to fill up the SUV. Then one time I was filling up the SUV and decided to walk into the station store and buy a bottle of water. I did and nothing happen. I remember sitting in my SUV all excited because I had done it. I had been seen, enteracted with another person, and even called "Mam". It was like a the dam had broken. All of the fears, built up nerviousness, and etc all fell away. It was then I knew I had to tell the wife, even if our relationship was to go bad because of it. It did not and she is tolerant, but not totally OK with it.
Yes, I am now compy with myself. I am one of those that now go out shopping, eating, and etc. I also go to my Tri-Ess meetings and help in their Endeavors. I even have gone to a HEF, which is a CD convention.

Fear can be a powerful Motivator or it can be Devastative.

[NatieBe]

Don't be ashamed!! There is nothing wrong with you.. We all have our doubts and fears, but have support here and other places. Just because society doesn't accept our choice doesn't me they are right. Pull your panties up and Go gurl!

[srinn]

I used to think my crossdressing was ridiculous, but mostly because of this community Im now proud of it. Im still too shy to go out or buy clothes though...

[Sandi jo]

It does take time,took a couple years before I told the wife.You really have to think things Thru

[Nicole Erin]

Well sometimes when I look at "him" in the mirror with the broad shoulders, strong arms, 4 day stubble... I sometimes do feel a little ashamed that I would ever put on a dress. Not all the time.
It is weird cause a decade ago I really embrased this but lately I am feeling bad about it.

I think part of it is when I see these really petite women and I am towering over them I think "gyod how stupid I would look en femme next to them".

[DeeAnn]

I'm learning to accept myself. I'm no longer ashamed of who I am but I'm not so sure I want to go out and interact yet.

I don't know for sure what I'd do if I were busted by a relative. There are only a handful of relatives and friends that I even care what they think. My concern wouldn't be so much how they view me as how it might affect their lives and our relationsip.

I had a split fingernail problem so the wife decided that I needed Sally Hansen's Hard As Nails clear polish to strengthen them. When my granddaughter found out her grampa was wearing fingernail polish it wasn't a positive experience. She's all of 7 years old.

This wasn't a cd thing it was a health thing but I found out real fast that kids have very keen impressions of who they want you to be. If their parents ever found out about the cding I'd be concerned that they might not want those wonderful kids of their around me.

Ah, well, the joys of having a second life at the same time are wonderful, aren't they? :battingeyelashes:

[Darlene-VA]

For years it was all guilt and why am I doing this, then I finally seen a Television show and my thought process began to change. There are other people like me who have the same desires to dress as a woman and enjoy being that woman. It just takes time to accept it and when you do a great weight is lifted, the stress goes away and you can embrace the special person that you are. My family knows and relate to Darlene just like my male side and always say if this makes you happy who are we to tell you how to live your life. After all its just clothes for you are still the person that we love.

[Emily Ann Brown]

I don't think that sisters who have really accepted themselves fully have purges anymore....why bother? I am who I am. I don't think sisters who have accepted themselves have great distress anymore shopping or being read...why should they? I'm fine, what's your problem? That doesn't mean you want to tell every family member to accept you or get ****ed. We are still sensitive to others feelings and comfort....we just don't let their opinion affect our self image and happiness.

I will share a story from this morning. We had lost power Tuesday night and were still in blackout when I left for work at the crack of dawn Wednesday so I took a few personal hygiene items to work with me (light helps some things you know). This morning I was in the process of starting my routine when I remembered my stuff was in the car....so I put on my slippers and went out the front door and to my car (in my driveway) to retrieve them....wearing a paisley print cami and matching fem boxers, my breasts, and a long wig. When a gust of cold air blew up my cami I realized what I had on. I didn't panic just because my secret might be known now by the neighbors....oopsies. And I'm not gonna lose sleep over it if a neighbor mentions what they saw....I am who I am. I guess you can say I have accepted myself.


Emily Ann

[Deborah Jane]

I had just started to accept myself before coming here..Probably why i joined.
Since joining this community i now accept myself fully. I am becoming more confident in my presentation and have just started to go out en femme [only evenings so far but i,m working my way towards daylight].
Also like Emily said i don,t see the point in purging anymore, this is me!!

[Jilmac]

Hi Jill, another Jill here to tell you that I have accepted myself but that doesn't necessarily mean that others have. Yes I do go out shopping for myself, I'm starting to enjoy entertainment en femme, and starting to socialize with other girls. I'm still more than a little apprehensive about coming out to my family, and I try to avoid being seen by neighbors. I guess you could say that my confidence ratio is about 65/35. Luv and :hugs: Jill

[Mary Lee]

For many years I was on and off with it. Did when I could not stand it. In 1998 started going to a group and I enjoyed being Mary Lee, but I had to hide her all the other times.

Viewing other forums over the last two years gave me a lot to think about. After finding this forum within the last month I decided I had to do something. I out myself when shopping. I let SA's know that I am buying for my self. When possible I shop for Girl stuff wareing a bra and forms, panties and other items. This makes me feel great and lets the SA's know I am for real.

Mary Lee

[RobertaFermina]

I accept myself unconditionally, yet I still wince some times.
The head learns quickly, it is the gut and the body that take a while and much supportive experience to finally fully accept, shed any hint of shame, and take the final step: compassionately challenge those who fail to accept and project their judgment onto me.

:rose: work in progress :rose:

[Amy Hepker]

I will tell you this, I am a CDer, but you know what I am a female in a male body and I have CDing all my life as a guy. Think about it that way. I feel at home in female attire and situations. I am in the process of growing my breasts with herbs and some hormones. I do have to take anti-depressants to keep myself on level ground. A CDer??? Which CDer are you??? Are you CDing as a Female or are you like me trying to make it as a man knowing that it is just not you.

[Annaliese]

I've been thinking a lot about this lately and I'm trying to understand it. It seems like those that accept their CD side are the ones who are really putting themself out there, are conquering their fears, are the ones getting involved with CD communities, the ones who go out and shop for themselves with little fear or anxiety. I think even participating in this forum is a part of accepting your CDing. I know there are CDers out there who are even anxious about participating in an anonymous forum.

I am here, but I am a little ashamed of my CDing. I am terrified of being read or people knowing this about me. I got busted by my cousin several months ago and even still when I think about it, I am absolutely mortified. I want to go shopping for myself but again, I am totally mortified. I am not sure what to think, I think I accept this side of myself, I admit that I am a crossdresser but I am embarassed and ashamed of it at the same time.

Any thoughts?
10 years ago I was feeling the same way I was 44 at the time. I am a member of the LDS church an that put a lot of fear in me for years if you know anything about the LDS church then you know what I mean. Then I came to me that this is how I am and I accept my self. I think that it is different for everyone it will come in time the best thing you can do, is to keep talking, and to being here. I put my picture on this sit just the other day showing my face that was a big step for me. What I am am saying is it takes time for sum, and not long for others. If you every want to talk PM me.


Anna

[Donna tv]

Hi Jill, 1st off I would certainly not beat yourself up because of who you are or what you do. It is not like you are going to able to change anything about your lifestyle because as many of us here know this does not nor will it ever go away. I do agree with you about being made by a family member or relative if you were totally not ready for that to happen, it would be, lets just call it (extemely uncomfortable at best). Like many others here I would not want to venture out in my own town surroundings but I would not pass up an oppertunity where I knew no one would know me to go out and just mingle in but also never flaunt. I guess the bottom line is just embrace it you only go around once just be happy in what ever you do.

[Mary Jane1]

Please believe it has nothing to do with you. Being ashamed, guilty, insecure or whatever. It is not about you. You're not doing anything wrong. It's society and the accepted norms which, for a large part are just double standards. We all know that here.
Don’t get down on yourself. Accept and enjoy being a cd. Then decide where you want to go with it. I’m like you in that I’d like to put myself out there and get involved and buy my clothes without going to the next city, but I can’t. My personal situation just won’t allow it right now.

PS, I’m curious what your cousin said. Are they ok with it? I haven’t been busted like that but when it happens I hope I’ll say something to the effect of, ‘Yes, I am wearing a skirt, and stockings too. I just felt like wearing one. Could you please explain to me what’s wrong with that?’ I know I won’t show any shame, guilt or embarrassment because I won’t have done anything wrong.

It just really makes me sad when we get down on ourselves for doing absolutely nothing wrong. You’ve got lots of support on this site and I’ve found it’s really helped me. Good luck.

[Tammygirl]

I was like you many years ago. I was scared and maybe alittle assamed However, I got over it by embrasing who I am a want to be! With practice I got better with makeup, clothes, mannerizums, ect! Now I pass very well in public! I have little fear! And have done everything and anything as a woman!
Love

[Shelly67]

Learn to love yourself , before you learn to love .:love:

[mikecd999]

I am very comfortablewith who I am, a guy that likes the feel and look of fem cloths. I would wear them 24/7 if my job would permit it. I am a lot more comfortable in a dress than jeans. I like looking nice, not that you can't in male attire, but there is a lot more choices in the womens department. Thats who I am.:D

Put your big girl panties on and deal with it.:)

[jessielee]

dear Jill,
girlfriend.
we are so close. not merely in adjoining states. except i'm not afraid to go shopping, just got some new foundation and blush i plan to try tonight! weeee! but it must be the theatrician in me.
dear, i know fulll well what the Bible says about efeminate men. and dressing. i suspect your community has burdened you with tremendous guilt. me too, and i'm not LDS. and while i know that following feelings (following my "heart") is full of traps of self deception. even so, without once believing God made a mistake, i know what i feel and how i feel and how i am inside and how different that is from my outside. yeah, full of contradiction. but attempting bare honesty.
i love and accdept my femme self. i wrestle. i struggle. but i love her. i accept and love me! i never pretended i wasn't deeply flawed. it is my doing, my choice, as is the makeup and the clothing. my outlook. my inlook.
dear, i pray for your peace, and all of ours.
we are who we are.
and this precious pregnant eternal moment is beautiful and full of potential.
we are beautiful and full of potential.
you are beautiful and full of potential.
i am pulling for you, sis.
as i, too, am only aspiring...
and accepting.
in trust,
jessie

[angelfire]

A while ago I thought I had accepted myself, but sometimes I wonder now. Sometimes I realize this is just who I am, but sometimes I get into feeling like I am not really like this. Now I am mostly trying to work on my self control with it. I figure it will be easier to accept it if I have more control over the urges associated with it.

[Lanore]

You don't have anything to be ashamed about. You are who you are. If you let society have their way, you would be who they want you to be and you would feel like an outcast. Try this. Look at everyone around you. See anyone perfect? See anyone different? Take care of yourself and have fun doing it. By the way, you have a great pair of legs.

Lanore

[Eugenie]

I've been thinking a lot about this lately and I'm trying to understand it. It seems like those that accept their CD side are the ones who are really putting themself out there, are conquering their fears, are the ones getting involved with CD communities, the ones who go out and shop for themselves with little fear or anxiety. I think even participating in this forum is a part of accepting your CDing. I know there are CDers out there who are even anxious about participating in an anonymous forum.
In my case it was the reverse order of events that made me accept myself... It was because I did talk to one GG first that I started a slow path to self acceptance. I had so many fears before that. I came out to that GG friend about 25 years ago... We were lovers (It was the period when wife swapping was rather "in"...)

But even though she accepted my x-dressing I didn't feel self confident at all...

I had to come out to another GG to start feeling slightly better... That was 20 years later... At this point I had another discussion with the first GG and she made me feel much better too...

But it was a finally another coming out to a GG I highly respect that made me really accept myself and lead me to go out "en femme" with a lot more confidence...


I am here, but I am a little ashamed of my CDing. I am terrified of being read or people knowing this about me. I got busted by my cousin several months ago and even still when I think about it, I am absolutely mortified. I want to go shopping for myself but again, I am totally mortified. I am not sure what to think, I think I accept this side of myself, I admit that I am a crossdresser but I am embarassed and ashamed of it at the same time.

Any thoughts?
Well, you may try to get some experience through contacting other CDs, possibly going to meetings of Crossdressers associations, in protected environments first and as you will become more confident with other x-dressers, start slowly to make short attempts at going out. Personally I would not recommend going out alone... But that's my view... Some may have other opinions...

Even though I have been going out many times, day an night, I am still not completely at ease while "en femme" in public. But the confidence is building up...

"If at first you don't succeed..."

:hugs:
Eugenie

[rickie121x]

I, personally, have no problem accepting myself as a crossdresser. It's just that there are so many other folks out there, who not only don't accept and are unwilling to try, and are possibly dangerous to my crossdressed personage. They do not accept me and frankly, they do scare me.

There is another scenario: I don't like to drive my car when it is dirty - clearly a "hangover" from my mother who was always so concerned about what "the neighbors might think." So I was taught to feel my outward appearance is important - and that may or may not make any sense, but I don't seem to have a choice.

Oh, yes, and it would seem that god made a mistake in giving me a female brain and the shape of a male. But I forgive god for that, for as he/she strongly implies, "Who's perfect?"

How does that all come together? I love dressing, but don't want most folks to see me for they "will" have the opinion that I am wrong - and dear mother showed me that's the way of thinking. So, I am shamed by my crossdressing, and at the same time pleased, and thrilled by doing it. Where others will see me, I have to do it well or not at all, for after all, "what" will they think? I should not appear inappropriate. And if there was a little error in my assemblage, how can I let anyone know by seeing me dressed. It is as if I am not in harmony with the Universe - another way of stating the notion of god's will.

In the general sense, I am accepting who, what, and how, I am but that doesn't mean there are not times of doubt, worry, and indecision about the whole of myself. It would be nice to just let everyone know....

I do talk a lot... Rickie :doll:

[Joy Carter]

Had I accepted this sooner, my life would have been so much for the better. I never liked myself, due to the guilt of being trans. I really tried to beat this. But it just wouldn't go away. I had everything in life any man would want. Everything but self love. I won't sacrifice my family, and their happiness over this. I'm just happy that I'm comfortable with myself finally. And I think the self love thing is beginning too grow.

[gennee]

I accept myself and don't don't feel any shame or guilt about either.

Gennee

:)

[TGMarla]

Hi Jill. I accept it in myself. What choice do we really have, after all? But just because I'm okay with it doesn't mean that everybody else is. That alone is enough to provoke the feelings of unrest and mortification at getting found out.

I understand just how you feel. I just try to be careful about it all.

[ColleenW]

I know how you feel, I still have times when I feel ashamed, sometimes depressed, and occasionally scared. Some here have supporting SO’s; it would be great if mine was. I guess we all have to adjust to the situations we’re in. I’m a new member here but feel very fortunate to have found the site. It lets me communicate with others on a part of me that doesn’t get exposed all that often.

Colleen

[Farrah]

I agree with you. Its something I enjoy, but the thought of someone finding out. I've gone shopping for myself, but my self conscience makes me think someone is following me with a camera, and just waiting to put it on the 10 o' clock news. Sometimes I want to quit and just leave it alone and other times I want to embrace and be proud of who I am, but for some reason that is a hard thing to do.

[docrobbysherry]

I still have plenty of both. I keep feeling that CDing is a stage I will eventually pass thru.
I have been dressing for about 9 years. It doesn't show any signs of passing yet.

However, in the 5 months since finding this site, I have come a long way toward accepting myself, and CDing in general!

[PatriciaT]

Jill,

You noted:

"I am here, but I am a little ashamed of my CDing. I am terrified of being read or people knowing this about me. I got busted by my cousin several months ago and even still when I think about it, I am absolutely mortified. I want to go shopping for myself but again, I am totally mortified. I am not sure what to think, I think I accept this side of myself, I admit that I am a crossdresser but I am embarassed and ashamed of it at the same time."

Virtually every one of us went through this stage because we were alone and affected by the "common" sense prevalent in society. You're lucky in that you have found a forum with lots of experienced CDs.

First of all there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Perhaps 3-5% of the males in the US are CDs or would like to be. The vast majority of these people are perfectly normal, are often happily married, and hold good jobs.
There is nothing to be ashamed about. You were born with a male and female aspect and you need to express both. There is no known cure for it and it will not go away. The sooner you come to terms with it the better off you'll be.
Start gfoing out and about en femme. You have to have careful where you go so as not to be discovered by people you don't want to know about this yet. Don't worry about the rest of the people. As long as you look reasonably nice, dress according to what looks good on your physic, and go about with a smile and an air of confidence, most people will give you no more than a passing glance and think no more of you. The rest will tend to accept you, either as a female or even as a male in a dress, so to speak. Going out and about en femme is a lot easier than you might think.
If you try to suppress it you will be very unhappy. If you allow yourelf to express your feminine side, most commonly through CD you will find great happiness and fulfillment.
Most people seem to wish they were not born with this CD inclination and regret the pain it has caused them, just like you (and me!). However, I have rarely come across anyone who would be willing to give this up once they come to terms with it. It's just too wonderful a thing to loose.
In short, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, and virtually all of us have gone through a similar stage, because we were alone and had no information about it but you do do now. Come to terms with it and you'll be in heaven.
Go slowly at first if you have to, but start going out and about and you'll quickly gain confidence. You nave nothing to worry about.
Wishing you all the very best,

Patricia
The hard core CD.

[Lucypink]

I think every thing has been said already, and Cd is a part of life that is different for each other, but some cases can be similar to your condition. I think CD has it Phases and your phase is similar to mine some years ago. I have gone over it (shame and regrets) thanks to all in this forum and I hope that It helps you find yourself as it helped me.
And by the way you look very good on your pics, great legs!!! when ready please let us see more pics.

With best wishes... Lucy

[ColleenW]

I agree with you. Its something I enjoy, but the thought of someone finding out. I've gone shopping for myself, but my self conscience makes me think someone is following me with a camera, and just waiting to put it on the 10 o' clock news. Sometimes I want to quit and just leave it alone and other times I want to embrace and be proud of who I am, but for some reason that is a hard thing to do.

Hi Farrah -

The problem I have with this is that I can't leave it alone, at least not for ever. I got rid of most of my CD clothes a year or so back and now I wish I hadn't. The only good thing is that most of the stuff I got rid of didn't really fit well anymore.

It's funny what goes through your mind. I know the feeling well, that someone's following me or taking pictures, or worse video! Even though my rational mind tells me that it would be silly for anyone to do that; probably most people don't really care; even if you run into someone that has a problem with CD they probably don't know you anyway and finally since there's really nothing they can do what difference does it make?

Still, you're right, it's a hard thing to do.

[Angie G]

I accept myself as a CD and love and embrace every moment of it my wife knows and accepts it I shop for myself with no problem. I am a woman in my heart and sole. :hugs:
Angie

[My Lady Marsea]

I've TOTALY accepted who I am.:) I dress 24/7 including at my retail business at the local swapmeet. I've had my name legaly changed and am working on the birth certificate. I 've had permenent eyebrow & eyeliner done. I've made some GG friends whom I run around with occasionaly. I love myself and all I am after 50+ yrs of being someone I did not want to be. I have got it down to this: If you have a problem with me, that's YOUR problem, not mine. Bye.:brolleyes: Life can be good after you decide who you are in it. I've given up & lost a lot these last 6-8 months, but at least I love myself now. There are others out there who will accept you at face value and who actually enjoy you. Hang in there.:D

[ColleenW]

Jill,



First of all there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Perhaps 3-5% of the males in the US are CDs or would like to be.

Patricia
The hard core CD.

Hi Patricia -

Where did the 3-5% come from? That makes an awful lot of us.

[Kayla Shadows]

For me,I think the only thing I should be ashamed of is being ashamed.Were not doing anything wrong.Wrong is being someone else just to fit in with what people say is "normal".

[Raychel]

It took me almost 40 years to fully accept myself. But I must say that I am finally there. What a relief it is to have self peace. My wife also accepts me for who I am. That is also a huge relief to me. Now it is just the kids that I have to worry about.

[paulaN]

It took me a very long to accept myself. I started to accept myself in my early 40's and when I found out that I was not alone (the internet taught me that). But I really started to be me when I stopped drinking, that's when I came to grips with me. That's been over four years now. I am a cd and I am glad to be in my skin. I love to go out and have fun with my fem side. I don't get to do that enough, but I get to do it. woo hoo.

[Lisa Golightly]

Embarrassed... ashamed... but are you just a little excited? When it comes down to it if it makes you feel just one degree more alive by doing it then it is worth everything... don't you think?