do I sound like a TS? did any of you go through this

[jessica duprea]

um I don't get how I was born a boy liked being a boy and always felt like a boy, could find my self from age 9 or 10 want to be a girl.

I don't remember when or why I started cross dressing, but I met an older boy who wanted to play school, but he wanted to have sex but I would only play if I could be a girl???????? where did this come from????????

my cross dressing was very fetishistic like a drug.

I found my self always needing to cross-dress and i would pray at night to wake up a girl.
I would cry why am i so messed up, why do I want to be a girl?
why do I like feminine things.
why can't I stop?
I would look at girls in playboy and others and fantasize I was one of them that I was a girl and I would reed forum and look for the stories about the woman or men being dominated by men.

I desired men yet I'm not attracted to them??????????
I don't get that

I cant see myself in a relationship with a man but I'll have sex with them all day.

I have taken hormones and have alway wanted to change my sex.
I want breast, and a vagina and I wish to god I was born a female.

But I am a man um I don't get this.

I love woman.

I need them.
I desire them.
I'm jealous of them.
I envy them.
I cant look at woman without finding myself all messed up.
I feel so normal dressed as a woman I don't understand how I could start off normal and end up like this without being able to revert.


I love taking hormones and anti androgens, I am so much calmer, and my god I'm no longer on edge ready to explode. I love how my breast feel as they grow and not in a fetish kind of way but the fact they feel fuller and my but feels funny to which is cool, like something going there as well.

please, any ideas?

[deja true]

Oh Jessica! where have you been? Joined all that time ago, but never participated.

Your many, many questions can't be answered in one thread or one day or one lifetime. Stick around, be calm. Look for your answers one at atime. Ask questions, read a lot. There are years and years of conversations like yours in the archives here.

Lessons take a while to sink in. And talking it out with friends helps the most.

Open up and be open to others.

deja

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Jessica

Life is all about discovering yourself, and it sounds like that's what you're doing now, just keep asking yourself questions and let the answers come. Like Deja said, you're in the right place here, we're all about support for each other, and I do suggest that you join our Safe Haven Forum. Go into your Control Panel, click Group Memberships in the left column, submit a request to join and I'll approve it for you.

Karen Starlene :star:

[Lanore]

Gosh, I don't ever remember wanting to be a girl, I just felt like I was. I never really hated being male because I never felt like one. I am thankfull, that at an early age I didn't have all of the labels that float around these days. I agree with GypsyKaren. It's all about discovering yourself. Congradualtions on your journey and remember, this place has the greatest support group.

Lanore

[MarinaTwelve200]

There ARE other things to consider. It may be possible that your CD and sexually associated feelings with it may be SO strongThat you might see BECOMMING a woman as the ultimate FETISH or "SEXUAL TURN ON"---rather than a genuine desire to become a woman because you think you really are one.

The thought and desire patterns and the goal would be similar, but the motives would be entirely different. Obviously, this is a very hard thing to sort out in one's mind.

Most TS people have the "wrong body" feeling from their earliest memories. Becomming a woman, for them is NOT a sexual turn on but a quest "to set things right"

Seeing as how you get the CD urge around the dawn of adolescence, it seems to be sexually rather than sexuality based. Not yet understanding or being able to have sex with a woman at that age, one might get satisfaction only by becoming "their own woman"---via CD, and that is reinforced by the sexual pleasure one gets from it. By the early teens when one CAN engage in normal social sex, the CD pattern may be entrenched. Women's clothing, and indeed WOMEN themselves, might have become a FETISH.----Along with this the DESIRE to BECOME one's object of fetish would seem to be the ULTIMATE turn on.---So a desire to become a woman develops--almost to an obcession.---In this case I see sex with other men, not in the light of "homosexuality", but in the sense of "This is what REAL WOMEN do. Its an attempt to emulate a woman, the object of one's true desires, and be more like a woman, rather than an attraction to males.---The true turn on is 'being like a woman".

This condition is something close to what is called "Autogynophilia" (AG) from the greek. "self-woman-love"---that is a hetrosexal attraction to "the woman within" Autogynophyles are basically straight , hetrosexual men who are extremely attracted to women, so much that they fall in love with the idea of the female version ideal of themselves. Its a form of self-directed hetrosexuality. AGs usually have a desire to become women, like TS's, but for different reasons. Many AGs DO eventually get sex change surgery, but usually later in life, around 40s to 50s rather than in younger years like TSs.
And usually after getting married , having kids, and sending them off to college.

Just a few facts to consider. There is more to think about than simple CDing and TS alone. And it can be even more complex.

[Sonia Kiss]

Hello Jessica,

Labels aren't the most important thing. If you must take a poll, then yes, you're TS by my definition, for whatever that's worth.

Much, much more important is how beautifully open you were with your feelings and how well you could describe several different aspects of yourself and your history. I hope you appreciate the value of that. Your post was short, yet rich with your history of gender presentation, your internal sense of gender, and your sexual orientation, and interactions between those. I'm afraid a lot of us aren't in touch with ourselves well enough to do what you just did!

With your great post I can easily say that yes, I personally identify with a lot of what you wrote. My story isn't the same, of course. I'm not quite in the same place on the TG landscape as you. But yeah, I identify with a lot.

Hugs,
Sonia

[Amy Hepker]

I feel the same way except I only want Females not guys. Guys gross me out. CDers are different though.

[GypsyKaren]

Not all TS'ers are early bloomers, she's asking questions of herself which is what she needs to be doing, and I don't see the need to slam the FETISH thing down her throat. She can find out she's a teapot for all we know, so let her take it one step at a time so she can find her way.

Karen Starlene :star:

[kerrianna]

Not all TS'ers are early bloomers, she's asking questions of herself which is what she needs to be doing, and I don't see the need to slam the FETISH thing down her throat. She can find out she's a teapot for all we know, so let her take it one step at a time so she can find her way.

Karen Starlene :star:

Thank you for saying that Karen. When we're trying to find our way it sometimes seems like lots of well meaning people are only too happy to point us in the "right" direction. We do need to have the freedom to ask questions and come up with our own answers in the end.

Huh... I thought I was the only one who thought she was a teapot. Just goes to show. And having lived my whole life thinking I was a kettle. :battingeyelashes:

[jessica duprea]

There ARE other things to consider. It may be possible that your CD and sexually associated feelings with it may be SO strongThat you might see BECOMMING a woman as the ultimate FETISH or "SEXUAL TURN ON"---rather than a genuine desire to become a woman because you think you really are one.

But I don't get turned on by the idea of being a woman.

I get turned on be the thought of having sex as a woman with both men and woman.

I envy woman and would have to say kind of the same way woman envy other woman.
I herd a woman recently express "after viewing a Cosmo mag at our house" how she wished she looked like the woman on the cover, she wished she had a body like that. Hmmm I knew what she was talking about.

was she being Autogynophylic




Seeing as how you get the CD urge around the dawn of adolescence, it seems to be sexually rather than sexuality based. Not yet understanding or being able to have sex with a woman at that age, one might get satisfaction only by becoming "their own woman"---via CD, and that is reinforced by the sexual pleasure one gets from it. By the early teens when one CAN engage in normal social sex, the CD pattern may be entrenched. Women's clothing, and indeed WOMEN themselves, might have become a FETISH.----Along with this the DESIRE to BECOME one's object of fetish would seem to be the ULTIMATE turn on.---So a desire to become a woman develops--almost to an obcession.---In this case I see sex with other men, not in the light of "homosexuality", but in the sense of "This is what REAL WOMEN do. Its an attempt to emulate a woman, the object of one's true desires, and be more like a woman, rather than an attraction to males.---The true turn on is 'being like a woman".


I started cross dressing because an older boy asked me to play school and had me pretend to ba a girl. I took a towel and wrap it it around me to simulate a skirt and he got on top of me and tried to have sex with me, he wanted we to lay on my stomach but I insisted that I was supposed to lay on my back because that's how I understood it but I don't know how I knew this I was around 9 or 10 and hadn't had an erection yet I didn't even know about these things, I began looking for female clothing and tied my private back with a string or a make shift gaff. I had my first orgasm when I was tyeing the unit back ummm it was like someone turned on the light to a dark room and it was only then that I felt like a freak!!




This condition is something close to what is called "Autogynophilia" (AG) from the greek. "self-woman-love"---that is a hetrosexal attraction to "the woman within" Autogynophyles are basically straight , hetrosexual men who are extremely attracted to women, so much that they fall in love with the idea of the female version ideal of themselves. Its a form of self-directed hetrosexuality. AGs usually have a desire to become women, like TS's, but for different reasons. Many AGs DO eventually get sex change surgery, but usually later in life, around 40s to 50s rather than in younger years like TSs.
And usually after getting married , having kids, and sending them off to college.

Just a few facts to consider. There is more to think about than simple CDing and TS alone. And it can be even more complex.



Hmm I felt like a freak that's why I tried to ignore it, fight it what ever you want to call it.

If I knew then what I found out only a few years ago, with lynn Conway's sight, gender-care, gender peace, gender talk, TS road map "the best", in-house pharmacy. hmm I would have transitioned then, I often wanted to run down stairs and tell my mom that I felt like a girl in a boys body that the only time I felt normal was when I looked like a girl.

how does that sound like AG.

If you look at even some of the post that some of the self proclaimed TV mention similar feelings yet they don't want to rid them selfs of there privates.
there happy as men, I'm more comfortable looking like a female I'm content, I'm at peace, not turned on walking around with an erection and come to think of it, when you start taking hormones and ant-androgens your sex drive dives off and your left with the influences of estrogen wouldn't an AG stop dead in there tracks after all isn't the primary driving force hindered at the point of loosing testosterone and the more relaxing feelings of estrogen begin to take over.

oh am I so confused

[Sandi jo]

Confusion is life, just enjoy what you can have and peace

[AmandaM]

In order to decide, you must de-couple your sexual desire from your inate femaleness. Do you still feel like a girl when there is no sexuality involved? This may take a lot of therapy. But, some TS-types regret having the surgery. Did they follow their ultimate sexual fantasy only to realize they were wrong when the sexuality came off with their body parts?

[kerrianna]

Auto gyno is very controversial in TS circles and rightly so. It's unsound science and ignores so much more of what goes on with most people.

So Amanda asked a good question.

Besides the sexual stuff, do you feel like a woman all the time?

Now, that can be a hard question to answer because quite frankly how do any of us know how a woman feels? You may not feel like a man, so does that mean you feel like a woman? And obviously every woman feels different than others in some ways.

I've been trying to figure this out too. That's why I am now in therapy. Hopefully the right questions get asked and help with clarity.

One thing for me I can say quite clearly is that when I look at a male my mind/heart/soul or whatever it is that is at the core of me, says "no, I'm not that." and when I look at a woman it says "yes! that! that's what I am!"

For me there's all sorts of fetish/sexuality/denial/confusion etc etc... a lot of AG indicators (late discovery, long term hetero partnership, seeing myself sexually as female <well, duh, why wouldn't I if I DO see myself as a woman overall?>...)... but what it comes down to is how do I identify and what does that mean to me now?

I think we get caught up on the big picture sometimes, trying to find what the name of the road we're on is called, so we can feel safe and 'located', but what's really more important is what does our heart and soul say? What are the things we can try to find our true selves? As long as we go in with an open mind and as much honesty as we can figure out, being brave, we can make those individual decisions with more certainty.

Think about it in context with your whole life, and think about what it is that makes you happy. And get as much accurate information as you can, and decide if that's right for you. Maybe some things will be, and others not... but maybe later they might. But don't be afraid to ask questions, and don't let others dissuade you from finding out about yourself.

In the end this is about how YOU feel, and YOUR life, not mine, not Karen's, not Amanda's... no one else. Only you walk in your pretty shoes. :hugs:

[jessica duprea]

In order to decide, you must de-couple your sexual desire from your inate femaleness. Do you still feel like a girl when there is no sexuality involved? This may take a lot of therapy. But, some TS-types regret having the surgery. Did they follow their ultimate sexual fantasy only to realize they were wrong when the sexuality came off with their body parts?

yes I still feel like a girl, mostly when I day dream or when I do things I associate as being female in nature.

[AmandaM]

And when you feel like a girl, does it ever get tiresome? Like when you crossdress and act all girly. Do you get to a point where you want to change back to drab and want to just hang out?

[kerrianna]

And when you feel like a girl, does it ever get tiresome? Like when you crossdress and act all girly. Do you get to a point where you want to change back to drab and want to just hang out?

I don't. but that doesn't mean anything. Maybe more that I don't have the right guys to hang out with. Well, maybe not for me even then, but what I'm saying is sometimes we get gender-boxed way too much.

I know a lot of the 'GGs' that like me like being able to hang out with the guys.

If I was 'GG' I'm sure I would too.

What I am saying is most women don't act or feel all girly, and like to hang out too in some way, so because you do doesn't mean you aren't girl. That makes being trans more confusing, because you are trying to make more seperation to prove it's true.

But prove to who?

Aye, that's the rub.

[jessica duprea]

no I am constantly thinking of myself as a girl, with a female body 24/7.
I don't care for my genitals I want real breast not fake ones, I like the way it looks when i tuck it back.
I hate my body hair I long for long hair on my head and I am getting electro, on my face right now.

I like looking feminine, and I am always pretended I'm a girl it doesn't stop it gets worse.

[AmandaM]

Let me point out something. The sex part. Sometimes it's hard to pull it away from the crossdressing. Just cause you're "turned on" doesn't mean you're not TS. I know a TS who is happy. She said that she used to "xx" when reading clothing magazines. But, she says now she just looks at the clothes. So, I think you may be TS. But, it to me, it's a morphing experience. I don't want to make a mistake. But, I think I am TS. My advice is to explore it. Don't think you need to move toward some goal. That forces you to "commit" to a path. Don't commit to anything. Just explore.

[Valeria]

Like when you crossdress and act all girly. Do you get to a point where you want to change back to drab and want to just hang out?
This is a bit of a red herring, IMO. How constantly you want to act super-girly isn't at all an accurate measure of whether you are a trans woman. It might be a warning sign if you want to engage in super macho activities a lot of the time, or constantly exhibit extremely masculine behavior and attitudes. But it might just indicate that you've been heavily socially conditioned, and it's going to take a long time to get resocialized as a woman.

I'm post-op and living a completely assimiliated life as a woman. None of my professors, classmates, or coworkers know about my medical history - I'm just another woman to them, not notably different in gender than any other. I don't tend to "act all girly", and I often "just hang out" with friends while wearing a t-shirt, jeans, and sandals. And I'm incredibly happy living as a woman - my only minor regrets have to do with not have completed transition even sooner, and these days I don't tend to worry too much about when or how I got here. All that matters is that I am here.

Truth be told, when I see someone waxing poetic about how deliciously girly they feel, that's when I have doubts. Life as a woman makes me happy because all of my prior dysphoria is relieved. It just feels normal and stress-free (at least, free from stress having to do with gender expression). I no longer feel out of place in life. I no longer am ashamed of my naked body. I no longer am unwilling to even be seen in public in a swim suit. But life as a woman doesn't excite me, or give me a thrill. It doesn't feel "delicious" to me - it just doesn't hurt or feel wrong.

FWIW...

[Valeria]

Besides the sexual stuff, do you feel like a woman all the time?

Now, that can be a hard question to answer because quite frankly how do any of us know how a woman feels? You may not feel like a man, so does that mean you feel like a woman? And obviously every woman feels different than others in some ways.
Actually, that question is pretty easy for me to answer. I feel like me, I am a woman, ergo I feel like a woman. :)

It's just that simple.

You will often hear cissexual people, confused by transsexuality, say things like "I am a woman, and even I don't know what it means to 'feel like a woman'. If I don't feel my gender, how can you?". But that's the point - most people aren't consciously aware of their gender identity, because they just get to be themselves. I don't consciously "feel" my gender either, anymore - the "feelings" of gender fade into the background as your gender dysphoria is relieved. I just am.

[Alaina]

Jessica, You sound like me..but I wish I had the hormones to calm and grow breasts

[Lucy Bright]

You will often hear cissexual people, confused by transsexuality, say things like "I am a woman, and even I don't know what it means to 'feel like a woman'. If I don't feel my gender, how can you?". But that's the point - most people aren't consciously aware of their gender identity, because they just get to be themselves. I don't consciously "feel" my gender either, anymore - the "feelings" of gender fade into the background as your gender dysphoria is relieved. I just am.

Yes, it often seems to me that in that sense transsexuals and cisgendered people have more in common with each other than either has with us 'somewhere in between' TG types. I'm happy for you, but jealous too! (Not that being TG has no pleasures or advantages, but it takes so much energy - spiritual, mental and emotional - that I wish I could choose to spend elsewhere.)

Kisses,

Lucy

[AmberTG]

I think Marina twelve did bring up some good points. These are things that must be considered. If a person doesn't fit that pattern of AG, well, that's one less thing to worry about in your self-discovery process. If you do fit the pattern, then you at least know where to start with your self-discovery process.

In my opinion, it's fairly easy to seperate the sexual desire from the mix to see where you fit without it. Just take spiro for 3 months, or any other anti-androgen that's commonly used by people in transition. When your sex drive becomes greatly reduced, you'll know how much your sex drive has to do with your TG desires and feelings. This can be done without any permenent loss of sex drive, so if you find that it's not for you, you can go back to where you were. If you find the feelings to be just as strong without the sex drive, then it's more likely to be real TG. Some physiciatrists use this method as a test for some patients, you can always request it.
I discovered that I don't miss my sex drive, and my desire to transition has not diminished, in fact, I'm now more sure then ever.

As for transitioning earlier in life as opposed to later, like me, if this info and the drugs now being used had been available in the late 1970s, my transition would have been completed long ago, at least to the pre-op stage. That step takes more money then I make in a year!

Do I feel like a woman? I just feel like me, I don't know any other way to feel. Do I get all girly and want to be that way all the time? No, but then, most of the women I know that are my age almost never wear a skirt or dress, and only some of them use makeup every day. When I compare myself and my way of thinking and doing to how women are and how men are, I find that I'm more on the woman side then the man side, and it just comes naturally now that I let my self just be instead of putting up the "man front".
Just a few things to think about.

[Suzzie]

AmberTG writes

>Do I feel like a woman? I just feel like me, I don't know any other way to feel. >Do I get all girly and want to be that way all the time?

Well for me. Yes
Since my orcy and on hormones for a year now, I have lost all of the male sex drive that made C/Ding a sexual thing. Now, sex is more like so far down on my list of things to do that it ain't even funny. And like she does, I just feel like me. Its more of a peaceful calm that envolopes you and I feel one with myself. As far as being all girlie, a big difference from her. Yes, more so now than ever before. Its like I am free to go the way I need to go. I love to dress more and more and find myself needing to dress every day. I am dressing full time now. Work sees my being in girl pants and top but with large man shirt covering it all. After twenty six years with the same company they would notice if I started to dress out in femme. All time outside work is femme. Wouldn't go back to boy mode ever. Wow, did I just say that. Crazy. I love the new me that I can't see myself as anything less. We are all different and I'm sure it all depends what all of the cercumstances are for each individual are. Must be a million different posibilities that determine the outcome for each of us. hope all of you reach an inner pease and enjoy just being who you are.

[Satinpeta]

As the song goes "You took the words right out of my mouth" all of what you said is EXACTLLY how I have felt for years and still do feel. If at all I could have my time over I would have had a sex change 30 years ago,
Lots of Luv and all the best, Peta