DATING GGs?

[IMkrystal]

I have been a member here for over a year. From the various responses I guess I am one of a few who are still looking. Those of us asking about dating, threads are pushed to the back of the pile quickly because there seems to be a lack of interest.

I have posted this avatar picture on several dating sits. One site, "BPM,” when I told her, I was a crossdresser. Responded with the following reply "if we were married, I would think about it. But, because you told me before any relationship, I don't think so.”

When it comes to dating good looking, very good looking, and stunning women are threatened by the competition. While all we want is to go to bed and wake up, and thank God for the beautiful woman sleeping next to us! It is understandable, something most women know nothing, would back out of dating a CD.

Having read many SO threads on here concerning their fears, and finds out after being married for ten years. I found this reply going against many ggs on here. If anyone else has tried online dating, I am curious of the response you have gotten. Is there a secret? It seems wining the lottery is easier! :daydreaming:

[docrobbysherry]

I find it very difficult WITHOUT throwing in the CD factor.
U appear to be a very attractive CD. I'll bet u r as a man, too.

Maybe u should just date awhile until u find someone who u feel is special. Maybe she will feel that way about u, too. Then, bring up your CDing? Unless u feel it's a major part of u. Like, if u want to dress fulltime? In that case, you'll probably want her to know up front.

[AmberTG]

I hate to have to say this, but I think most women would rather date a "real man", not someone who has the kind of "issues" that we have. There are exceptions, but they're in the minority, I think.

[IMkrystal]

I find it very difficult WITHOUT throwing in the CD factor.
U appear to be a very attractive CD. I'll bet u r as a man, too.

Maybe u should just date awhile until u find someone who u feel is special. Maybe she will feel that way about u, too. Then, bring up your CDing? Unless u feel it's a major part of u. Like, if u want to dress full time? In that case, you'll probably want her to know up front.

docrobbysherry,

Thanks for the response. Is hiding this info been successful for you? I understand you answer, but having been a member for some time, the ggs stories of finding this out while married sound horrible. :eek:

Let say you were married and came home to find your SO dressed like Superman or a Football player? She tells you she likes to dress like this! How would you feel? :eek: :straightface: :)

[Michelle04240]

First off I think it's great your being upfront about it, and in the long run will work out better...as long as you have a little patience.

Perhaps meeting people in other ways where they can talk with and get to know YOU (dressed or not) as opposed to not being able to get past the picture online.?

IDK..I told my wife long after marriage and have not had to look for a date since I was 18. Good luck with your search.

:hugs:

[DeeInGeorgia]

IMkrystal,

I feel for you. While I did not tell my wife until we had been married for 12 years or so. But it took me years to find my wife. It took me years to find a girlfriend, an I attribute it to the fact that I did not exhibit traits of a masucline enough man.

I had one short term girlfriend tell me that. I came up with my theory of what a woman looks for in a man, and that is someone like their father. Most women look for a man to take the lead, someone that they can bask in is limelight.

I grew up in Virginia, and worked for seven years after college in Kansas. I was not the father figure that southern and midwestern women looked for. So when I had the chance to take a job in California, I took it as I expected that some of the women would be different than those in the midwest and south.

I was right, I found my wife to be within a couple of months of moving to California. And I did not hide the fact that I moved to California to find a wife, and that was at the age of 30.

So my suggestion is to understand the type of woman that would accept a feminine man and expend your efforts there.

Dee

[YangGuiFei]

Maybe u should just date awhile until u find someone who u feel is special. Maybe she will feel that way about u, too. Then, bring up your CDing?

THAT can spell disaster real easily. Sometimes it's good to get things out into the open.

[vivianann]

I am looking for a GG also, however I have found I attract the very pretty ones when I am dressed up as a woman, when I am in male mode women do not like me. I have decided that I am looking for a GG while I am dressed as one.

[RikkiOfLA]

I have to agree with the many girls who have said be honest from the beginning. Maybe your problem isn't crossdressing, but the artificially competitive world of online dating?

Compared with when I was in the closet, I find that women are far more comfortable around me now that I'm out. When you have a big secret, I think it makes women nervous around you. All people, actually.

My wife is an old friend, who first met me on a crossdresser board like this one. She had a crush on me for years. When my first wife was dying of cancer, she came out to California to help take care of her (and me). I was starting to feel attracted to her after she had been here a few months. We got married a few months after my first wife died. BTW, we never did anything physical until my first wife had passed.

In other words, I believe that if you are honest about who you are (whatever that might be), you will attract the right kind of people, the ones who find you (the real you) attractive. And isn't that the best way to find a relationship?

And the rest of the women in the world? Don't worry about them. They're not your type!

Blessings,
Rikki

[Amy Hepker]

Try sissy.com, Alt.com, true@crypnd.com, fling.com, I have a lot of responses from fling it may be worth it to try that one. There really Ladies out there that do want us. I know if I become single again I will try Fling.com.

[waspookie6]

Hmmm, tough to find a one size fits all answer. The only thing I keep thinking is "love is blind" but you have to get your foot in the door so to speak first.

A good friend tends to do some casual talk in online dating forums, it's always given him a good idea if he can trust the person to tell them without getting either no response ever again or question if they are sane. He recently found someone after about a month of chit-chatting (about 2 evenings a week) and said he really felt like there was a connection - did she feel the same? When she said yes, he told her he had a "secret", one that might scare her off. She also replied she had a secret as well!

They finally met up and its gone swimmingly for both and she confessed that her first marriage ended because her ex left her for another man. Of course she didn't tell him that at first.

Everyone has a skeleton in their closet and as one friend of mine says "I don't have a few skeletons, I've got a grave yard!" ;)

Take it for what it's worth, I think getting an idea of what the person is like first may be easier.

[Kelsy]

Krystal,

It might be best to not divulge your most intimate secrets before you meet someone. Your best approach is to be your man self at the start and if things develop and get serious (like marriage serious) the it would be best to reveal more of yourself then. Of course at that point she may reject you but you have a better chance if there is trust and love involved:2c:

Kelsy:)

[KrissyTN]

Hi Krystal,

I'm not sure I have much advice for you other than to offer how I "stumbled" upon a very understanding girlfriend who is now my wife of 14 years.

First, she told me that she had a gay brother who she was very close to. I think that demonstrated to me that she is a very accepting person. (He doesn't know about my cding by the way) Then, she told me that her major in college was sociology with a minor in human sexuality. So, I gathered that she had heard of crossdressing before.

On about our fourth date I decided to share with her that I was a cd. The only question that she asked was if I was gay or not. I replied no but I really like to cd. She reassured me that she was really ok with it then over the next few dates told me all about the history of the English and French and how all of the Kings wore silk & wigs so she really didn't understand why society these days is all hung up about it.

So, that's my story....don't know if any of it will help but if you find yourself on a date with a girl with a gay brother...and she's ok with that then chances are you've found yourself a very accepting person.

Hugs,
Krissy

[MJ]

while all we want is to go to bed and wake up, and thank God for the beautiful woman sleeping next to us!

if you ask me i would be Thankful even grateful waking up next to any gg who can accept me .. but those days are long gone .... hmm time to buy a a few ticket :hugs:

[Nicole Erin]

It is only natural for any guy to want to date a good looking woman. I mean no guy really wants to have to settle for a situation that sucks, like seeing other guys with a good looking wife or girlfriend while he had to date the dogs.

The dating thing is very complicated as it is. To find a good looking GG, to know how to play all the games it would take to be able to date them, and keep them, it is very hard. Adding CD'ing to the picture is not going to help.

I think if all you are really wanting is one night stands with the true babes, you might want to keep the CD'ing private. You should not worry about disclosing that part of your life unless it looks like the relationship might get serious like living together or possibly marriage.

Hey I will be the first to admit that if I thought I had a chance to bag a beautiful woman, the CD'ing would be shoved way back in the closet.

[SweetCaroline]

What worked for me, and my GF was to be friends first. I know it sounds corny but if anything, if the relationship doesn't work out, at least you made a friend.

I met my current SO on Match.com back in December 2006. I did not mention, or even hint, that I was a crossdresser. We both decided to take the relationship slow, and see what happens. Neither of us were looking for anyone else, so that helped.

For seven months we went on, meeting in the afternoons for coffee, chatting on-line, and talking on the phone, but then last summer things changed. I started going out dressing.

It was maybe two weeks into me going out that I decided to tell her. I decided our relationship was at the point were I trusted her enough to take it to the next level. Keep in mind I was still very closeted at this point, sneaking around just to go out. She was a bit taken aback at first, then casually grew into it, then I invited her to join me and my friends at one of our SISTERS gatherings, and she was blown away. She now joins us every chance she gets and loves me and my crossdressing friends.

I don't know why I'm posting this except to say to the OP, that it can happen. I never dreamed it could happen myself, but it did. Maybe it's best not to tell her you're a crossdresser at first, win her over with your other charms. But I do think it is important to tell as soon as you can. When you feel you know each other well enough, especially if you're a public crossdresser like me. She'll respect you for being honest with her, and trusting her. She may not approve at first, but if you are both interested in any mutual relationship, she will accept you for who you are.

Good luck out there. :hugs:

[Genifer Teal]

How did you tell her? What did you say?

The world is full of misconceptions about cross dressing. Add to that the wide spectrum of needs and intrests within our community. Trying to explain this to someone who already has their own ideas (and possibly fears) about CDing is like fighting an uphill battle.

Depending on the circumstances, you may only get one chance to explain. Then you have to deal with other peoples 2 cents. Everyone has an opinion and they will all have something (probbably negative) to say to the person you came out to. It is human nature to talk to others, especially when there is a reason to stop dating someone. Friends want to know why. They will ask.

Most of you know I am a positive person. There are more woman than most of us realize, who can embrace our femme side. The difficulty I see is getting past all the misconceptions - both theirs and their friends. I wonder how many women faced with this revalation, bother to listen and learn? If leaving is an option, they may just find it easier to cut their losses and run. So, how do we get past that? What did you try?

Gen

[ChrisP]

There are more and more open minded people in the world these days, of all genders. We obviously have a ways to go in terms of people understanding the spectrum of gender, but still, it's not 1952.

I say be upfront, just as you are doing. You are looking for an uncommon woman, and your search would be just as difficult if you were a guy searching for a woman who shares an interest in kayaking in South America.

Meaning, they are out there, and those women will be attracted to you for characteristics that you've posted in your profile, including your crossdressing.

Be sure to mention other positives that are really you. Do you like travel?
Fine dining? Writing? List all of those activities as well.

Your picture is lovely, and that alone will attract a fair number of respondents. I would however post a good (maybe professionally done) picture of your boy-self too. I realize that makes you a bit vulnerable in terms of discovery, but you are seeking a woman who likes all aspects of you.
The male picture will help draw in more ladies who want time with both aspects of your gender(s).

Please keep us all posted about your success, we are rooting for you!

Chris

[Jilmac]

Last September I posted personal ads on Yahoo and craigslist, I also responded to ads from GG's. I didn't say anything in my profile about CDing, nor did I mention it in any of my replys to GG's. I made several connections and two very good GG friends who I told about my CDing after they got to know me as a human being. Both of them are still very much my friends and I have become intimate with one who has been supportive and very encouraging.

There are GG's out there who can see beyond the stereotype of what society calls a man. It's always a good thing to be truthful and up front, and women appreciate that, but I would suggest giving them some time to know the real you, then bring up the subject of transgender to seek out an opinion, and if you pick up good vibes, gently tell them about yourself. all you have to lose is a potential relationship, but don't give up hope there is someone out there who will like you or even love you no matter what clothes you choose to wear. Luv and :hugs: Jill

[IMkrystal]

How did you tell her? What did you say?

The world is full of misconceptions about cross dressing. Add to that the wide spectrum of needs and intrests within our community. Trying to explain this to someone who already has their own ideas (and possibly fears) about CDing is like fighting an uphill battle.

Depending on the circumstances, you may only get one chance to explain. Then you have to deal with other peoples 2 cents. Everyone has an opinion and they will all have something (probbably negative) to say to the person you came out to. It is human nature to talk to others, especially when there is a reason to stop dating someone. Friends want to know why. They will ask.

Most of you know I am a positive person. There are more woman than most of us realize, who can embrace our femme side. The difficulty I see is getting past all the misconceptions - both theirs and their friends. I wonder how many women faced with this revalation, bother to listen and learn? If leaving is an option, they may just find it easier to cut their losses and run. So, how do we get past that? What did you try?

Gen

There has been no clear path, from the answers I have been receiving:

On the "BPM" dating site there are two profiles. One where I talk about crossdressing and the other where I am a man's man. I never have both profiles on at the same time. Surprisingly the crossdresser profile receives more than 30 views per night with multiple messages of “Welcome and Good Luck in Your Search!” Outside of these polite messages, there have not been any takers.

On the other hand, my man profile would seem perfect for many women after reading their profiles. But for some reason the interest just is not there. IT receives fewer views, even after sending cordial hellos to many women. In the last seven days, since this profile has been up, I have received less than ten messages. I believe women are afraid of the man, but see the CD as just another woman. It is really strange, and this is from good to stunning women. :idontknow:

[DemonicDaughter]

For those of you who are unsure of whether or not to tell someone right away, put yourself in the other person's shoes. What if you were dating/married to someone for any length of time and they suddenly spring a BIG personality issue on you? What if they told you they were once a man/woman? What if they stated they use to be a prostitute or a drug addict? What if they said they were Muslim instead of whatever religion they claimed originally? (These are just examples of big personality difference and NOT a stab at anyone's lifestyle, occupation or beliefs.) If it doesn't change how you feel about them, then give them the same opportunity to make that choice for themselves. If you have issues with it, would it have been better to know up front?

The truth is, it depends on the person and the level of comfortableness. Some people look for CDers. Some just need to be educated a bit.

To instantly hide a secret does two things:

A) Implies you care for someone that doesn't know the "real" you and what does that say about yourself?

B) Never gives the person the opportunity to know who you really are... and anyone could wonder why most partners are upset when they are told after years of dating/marriage. You would feel you didn't know your partner either were the shoe on the other foot.

[Stargirl]

I will take the whole "diamond." Imperfect ? I would hope so. What good is a perfect diamond ? His male component, or his female component ? I can't neglect one for the other. They are a package. Love is a gift, not a competition. Conditional love says " I would love you more...if you...." Hell with that. Who wants to be saddled by a bunch of rules ?
We either love one another, or we don't. Of course, the flame can get low, but that's to be expected in this material world.

[KittenKraske]

I would agree with the predominate opinion that you should be honest and up front about who you are and what you want. Odds are that if you hide it or lie, you may well sabotage your chances later. I have noticed that alot of the time when a woman finds out her husband is a CDer it puts immense strain on the relationship, often causing it to collapse. I was EXTREMELY fortunate to find a bi-sexual mate who really appreciates the woman in me. She feels that she now gets the best of both worlds and is excited as she could be. I think that A)you need to be really patient, and I mean patient! DO NOT hold expectations just put yourself out there as you are and be friendly and honest, but don't allow yourself to get desperate, that puts energy out that most people don't respond to. and B)Perhaps start searching for a bi-sexual woman, it may be a long shot but I think finding love usually is anyway so it is worth a try. I wish you all the best! :)

[crunchysoda]

Hmmm, tough to find a one size fits all answer. The only thing I keep thinking is "love is blind" but you have to get your foot in the door so to speak first.

A good friend tends to do some casual talk in online dating forums, it's always given him a good idea if he can trust the person to tell them without getting either no response ever again or question if they are sane. He recently found someone after about a month of chit-chatting (about 2 evenings a week) and said he really felt like there was a connection - did she feel the same? When she said yes, he told her he had a "secret", one that might scare her off. She also replied she had a secret as well!

They finally met up and its gone swimmingly for both and she confessed that her first marriage ended because her ex left her for another man. Of course she didn't tell him that at first.

Everyone has a skeleton in their closet and as one friend of mine says "I don't have a few skeletons, I've got a grave yard!" ;)

Take it for what it's worth, I think getting an idea of what the person is like first may be easier.

I really like what she said, yeah that!
I mean telling someone first time you speak to them, they don't have a chance to get to know the whole you, but keeping it a secret till your ready to propose IMO is way way way too long.

Get your foot in the door but not not so deep in the relationship that both parties will feel beyond devastated if the relationship doesn't continue. Don't give your life story on the first date, but after a few dates where your like "I really like this woman, Id like us to be in a committed relationship(not marriage just boyfriend/girlfriend)" then that would be a good time to tell her, IMO.

Also you keep mentioning, "Very good to stunning looking women", seems you have expectations as well. We all have expectations of course, not saying you should settle for someone you aren't attracted to, but you keep mentioning this as a major factor.
Cliché time: "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder", "Beauty is only skin deep"
also those "stunning women" tend (generalizing) to be very high maintenance.

Just saying if you want others to be open minded maybe you should be too? I'm not trying to point the finger, just some observations.

[Ema1234 GG]

When it comes to dating good looking, very good looking, and stunning women are threatened by the competition.

How would you know? Are you a good looking, very good looking for stunning GG? No, then please don't presume to answer for us.

How on earth do you know it's about competition? Maybe it's because they aren't bi, they don't find women attractive, they want to date someone they perceive as "all man" and don't want to get into anything that's more complicated than it needs to be.

And you're saying they are being too picky when it comes to dating. From your post, you come across as someone who is looking only at the superficial aspects of these women... Perhaps if you focused a little less on looks, and tried instead to find a person with a nice personality you might find someone whose more likely to see past such things.

[Carrie f]

Hi Krystal, you're not alone as I have been trying very hard to meet a woman, both as a friend for advice and to confide in, and for a long term or permanent relationship.

Coincidentally, I was going to start a thread myself this morning, about this very subject. I haven't reached the point of 'when to tell' because I haven't met the woman I'd like to start that relationship with yet.

What I do know is I have a lot to offer as a masculine man and as a fem friend. It's getting that information across to her discreetly that's my problem. Obviously, I need to find her first and I have a few friends locally who are helping me by keeping an eye out but where I'm not 'out' to many people, that's difficult. I have tried online extensively on several sites with zero success. Except for kinky bdsm type men, gay crossdressers, or all of the above.

To reiterate what Krystal says, if anyone has any ideas or suggestions, I'd love to hear them. I know I'd give 200% to the woman who was not only accepting, but helpful and positve and on my side all the way. I honestly think I could build such a wonderful relationship for us. And I've been through enough relationships (including a 15 year marriage - divorce not cd related) to know what's needed to make one work.

[jennifer41356]

I hate to have to say this, but I think most women would rather date a "real man", not someone who has the kind of "issues" that we have. There are exceptions, but they're in the minority, I think.


I have to agree with this..not necessarily the rule, but the norm, and I understand it..I had a female friend once tell me, would i be into a woman who liked to look like a man and go out dressed like a man, with facial hair etc...., so its something to think about, but there seems to be quite a few gals here on this board who have been lucky, so who knows, you just have to keep at it:sb::2c:

[heatherlovesstacey]

Yes, it's sounds too good to be true, but I believe in "everything happens for a reason" in that if the GGs you've had or tried to meet in the past haven't been accepting of you, they weren't meant to be your GG. I feel that telling a girl before you have a connection is probably not the best of ideas, but I also think as soon as it starts getting serious, she needs to know. It's part of you and you want her to love you for you, so she has to know. I got lucky as a GG and I guess he got lucky as a CDer, because we were good friends for years before we got together. It was only 5 months ago that we finally got together and we both knew fairly early that we were perfect for each other. So when he told me a month or so ago that he was a CDer (in bed, in the dark, right as we were falling asleep one night), it didn't phase me at all. It's different and it will take some getting used to, but I already know I love him, so something "different" doesn't matter. It's not hurting him or me or anyone else, so there's not a problem as far as I'm concerned. That being said, if I had known a long time ago that he was a CDer, before I developed any real connection to him, I can't say that I'd feel the same way. The connection has to be there first, and only because society makes people think the way they do about what's acceptable and what's not. If the whole world could just open their minds, nobody would have to hide anything. But I was raised not knowing much about it because it's supposed to be a "hidden" thing, and I'll admit that I thought it was weird before I actually met someone who did it. Having the previous love connection helped immensely. I wish you the best of luck and I believe that with your attitude toward honesty and wanting to share your life with a GG, you'll find the right one eventually.

[shirley1]

hi - i have tried that avenue on a few site all i get are replies from ggs wanting to flee poverty in places like africa and russua ect - maybe its an option for some if you are desperate enough

but someone said to me recently advertising yourself as a cder is a waste of time all youll get is replies from males mainly - women arnt going to be looking for a cd guy to date through a seedy site (in their opinion) they want to get to meet the person first - i mean you could be a pervert for all they know ! isnt that why we wouldnt like our children talkin to strangers on the net - no i think for me it is possible to meet a gg out while dressed plenty i have heard about this has happened - but they need to meet you and get to know you first !

[Genifer Teal]

I have posted this avatar picture on several dating sits. One site, "BPM,” when I told her, I was a crossdresser. Responded with the following reply "if we were married, I would think about it. But, because you told me before any relationship, I don't think so."

May I ask what more you explained? Did you just say you are CD? How do we stop them from jumping to their own conlusions as to what it means to be cd?

Gen

FWIW - Most women I've dated meet Genifer first. It saves the awkward introduction.

[Taylor Anne]

Wow, this is an interesting question! I'm not attached, and, frankly, I'm really not looking. It's taken me years to become comfortable, accepting, and to love my crossdressing--lots of reading and the timely support from a very dear gg friend. She's moved a long ways away now, but I don't really feel alone--the wonderful people on these boards are amazing!

That said, what if I were looking for a serious relationship? I think honesty would apply no matter how I presented, and I think there's a lot of pressure on both sides when seeking anything long-term. Think about it, that's a lot of pressure to put on a first date or chat.

After suffering from panic attacks years ago, I really had to slow my life down, so I'd take the same approach with dating. Slow-slow-slow. And, the emphasis would be on finding compatibility.

I've had sex with girls that look like super models, and I've had sex with girls who would never be on magazine cover. If it's just sex, there is no difference. But, the best sex was with the ones that I had a connection with and cared about and loved. That's just not something I can develop inside me very quickly. The chemistry has to be there.

Chemistry, at least for me, develops from honesty. Being me is being respectful and being courageous. It also means that I don't hide significant parts of me. I can learn to not pick my nose in public, I can learn to not fart in public, and I can learn to leave the toilet seat down. But, for me anyway, I cannot learn to suppress my femme identity.

So, when I meet people, do I say, Hi, I'm so-and-so, and, by the way, I'm a crossdresser. Noooooooooo. Because at the time, that important part of me is on a need-to-know basis. When I first meet someone, I have no idea if they will become important to me, and I certainly could not forecast falling in love.

As you get to know someone, be honest--especially with yourself about what really matters in life. Sure, there may be chemistry, but that doesn't mean you should get married the next day! Learn to enjoy getting to know someone without the pressure of the next 30 years.

Who knows? They might not become a lover, but they might become a close confidant and friend who will support you. So, yeah, as you get to know someone, and if you believe they are becoming important to you, then, yes, be honest--reveal the crossdressing. But, please don't wait until the night you propose.

Make friends first. It's honest work.

[Danicd]

I was lucky I was dating my so for month's before I tod her and she totally accepted me for who I am. I suggest you date and get comfortable together before you reveal yourself. If she rejects you move on. I really think there is someone out there for all of us but as they say patience is a virtue. Good luck!
Love,
Dani

[Nadia-Maria]

The dating thing is very complicated as it is. To find a good looking GG, to know how to play all the games it would take to be able to date them, and keep them, it is very hard.

It's a matter of dedication ... and natural talent !
When a teenager, I went on CDing because I was almost unable to date any pretty or sexy girl. I dated only second choice girls or even worst.





Hey I will be the first to admit that if I thought I had a chance to bag a beautiful woman, the CD'ing would be shoved way back in the closet.


Finally, after decades, the life gave me that incredible chance to happily live with a very good looking woman. I don't know how it has been ever possible, but complete luck, taking in account the lack of my dating skills, and the heavy concurrence of skilled males. Maybe a sort of "innocence" and obvious skill absence have much favoured my desperated cause. She was very used to say no to any Don Giovanni, and I was ... so different.

I came out only last year to my babe, after 4 years of complete secrecy about CDing. I can confirm that coming out sooner would have been devastating for our relation.

At the beginning of our relation she was hesitating with me, so the disclosure of CDing would have obviously and immediately break all. Now she agrees I can CD only when she is not in, since she could not bear to see me all dressed.

Hugs

Nadia

[heidi99]

What an interesting post, Krystal! I, too, am a single looking for a GG, although my past experiences make me think that marriage might not be wise for me (that is another thread, though.) A relationship would be fun, though.

In answer to your question, I have been on some of the dating sites. From what I've read and tried to practice, if the dating reaches date number 3 or so, I usually feel that it's time to tell. By that time, I kind of know how the person will react. The reactions have been positive, but the few times I've done this, the relationship kind of fizzled for other reasons (I think; sometimes I catch people not being honest, not doing what they say, etc.)

I've decided not to put so much emphasis on finding someone right now. I feel like I still have some work (and repair) to do on myself. I try to approach it from the point of view of finding a friend or two to do things with. If something else grows from that, cool. If not, oh well. I've grown a little pessismistic about relationships in this country (and wrote a thread about it a while back.) Relationships are difficult, and our passion makes them even more so. But not impossible (I say with hope!!!) :2c:

[RikkiOfLA]

Hi again Krystal,

Your follow-up post indicates that you have two profiles out there--one lists you as a CD, the other as a manly man. The CD gets more visits--and more declines. Neither one has gotten any serious takers.

So whatever is wrong (if anything), it's not that you're a CD.

Maybe the dating site doesn't generate much traffic? If so, be patient, and in time, some interested women will come along?

Maybe there's something else about you that women find eliminates you from interest? Location? Occupation? Some other interest? (I'm just grabbing at straws here.)

I haven't ever tried an online dating service, so I don't really know.

I only know the basic law of advertising--you have to generate the hits first, and of the hits, maybe one in a hundred will be a serious nibble.

So unless there is something else obviously wrong, be patient my friend.

Blessings,
Rikki

[IMkrystal]

May I ask what more you explained? Did you just say you are CD? How do we stop them from jumping to their own conlusions as to what it means to be cd?

Gen

FWIW - Most women I've dated meet Genifer first. It saves the awkward introduction.

This is what I say in my online CD profile about crossdressing:

"I am a crossdresser, and many have a miss-understanding about the meaning of this. In reality I am a very normal guy, and that is common among those of us who express this behavior. While this does not define who I am, it is a part of me I do not wish to hide. Unfortunately, many Crossdressers hid this from their spouse or significant other.The consequences of hiding, are not worth the pain and suffering. I am looking for an open-minded woman who enjoys a guy who is able to be a man, but also is in touch with his feminine side. I'm a great shopping buddy and I fully understand the pains that a woman goes through in the name of beauty. I am looking for just one!"

A pattern is now emerging. Most of my peers on here are saying maybe I should wait until "we" get to know each other better. While GG and SO say you expect the women to be upfront why not you?:doh:

[Kelsy]

Hi Krystal,

I can only speak from my experience. When I met my wife I was wearing girl jeans, and panties at any rate she told me that she was attracted to feminine men and I fit the description :eek:well we hit it off fell in love and decided to get married it was a that point when I told her the real story so she could decide to say yes or no. She told me it was no big deal and has been super supportive since. There is , in my opinion no need to tell all until
the involvement gets serious but when it does it has to be the truth!!

:)Kelsy

[JessieB]

This is what I say in my online CD profile about crossdressing:

"I am a crossdresser, and many have a miss-understanding about the meaning of this. In reality I am a very normal guy, and that is common among those of us who express this behavior. While this does not define who I am, it is a part of me I do not wish to hide. Unfortunately, many Crossdressers hid this from their spouse or significant other.The consequences of hiding, are not worth the pain and suffering. I am looking for an open-minded woman who enjoys a guy who is able to be a man, but also is in touch with his feminine side. I'm a great shopping buddy and I fully understand the pains that a woman goes through in the name of beauty. I am looking for just one!"I think it's safe to say that such a forthright profile is going to radically reduce the number of women who might contact you, but hey, if one does, you know you have yourself a good prospect, right?

[RobertaFermina]

Dear Krystal,

all this yearning and disappointment before you have a relationship MIGHT be better than the agony, heartbreak, and antagonism that many suffer through revealing themselves after they have a relationship.

Based on what I have seen on this board, paying the price up front is costly, but is a huge markdown from the costs of telling much later.

:rose: Roberta :rose:

[Raquel June]

What if you were dating/married to someone for any length of time and they suddenly spring a BIG personality issue on you?

...

A) Implies you care for someone that doesn't know the "real" you and what does that say about yourself?

B) Never gives the person the opportunity to know who you really are... and anyone could wonder why most partners are upset when they are told after years of dating/marriage. You would feel you didn't know your partner either were the shoe on the other foot.

This just made me think ...

Lying to people is bad. Hiding things from people ... well, that's kinda like lying, but everybody hides things. Discretion is seen as a positive trait.

I mean, let's say I'm a total sex fiend. Am I supposed to spring that one on the first date? I wonder what the standard number of dates is before a guy says he's into S&M, or likes a foreign object or two in the mix, or likes to be the one in the dress now and then. It's a game of showing the real you. You start off in a relationship and it's all a lie. You're putting a ton of effort into looking your best and making an impression. You're not being yourself at all. It just so happens that the more shocking secrets end up being the ones that come out last. It's a shame, really. I don't know what the answer is.

Don't all relationships end because of a "personality issue" being brought to light, though? How much pain could've been prevented if she would've just told me!

Why didn't she tell me she was bi-polar?

Why didn't she tell me she couldn't control her cookie?

Why didn't she tell me she was a b*tch?

Why didn't she tell me it was impossible for me to make her happy? Or that she wasn't willing to put any effort into the relationship? Or that her dad was an alcoholic so as soon as I have more than one drink on the weekend I'm an alcoholic?



If you tell a girl on the first date that you're a crossdresser, she's probably not going on the 2nd date, unless you met her on AdultFriendFinder, in which case you'd probably be better off with an escort service or some sort of mail-order bride, anyway.

[DemonicDaughter]

This just made me think ...

Lying to people is bad. Hiding things from people ... well, that's kinda like lying, but everybody hides things. Discretion is seen as a positive trait.

I mean, let's say I'm a total sex fiend. Am I supposed to spring that one on the first date? I wonder what the standard number of dates is before a guy says he's into S&M, or likes a foreign object or two in the mix, or likes to be the one in the dress now and then. It's a game of showing the real you. You start off in a relationship and it's all a lie. You're putting a ton of effort into looking your best and making an impression. You're not being yourself at all. It just so happens that the more shocking secrets end up being the ones that come out last. It's a shame, really. I don't know what the answer is.

Don't all relationships end because of a "personality issue" being brought to light, though? How much pain could've been prevented if she would've just told me!

Why didn't she tell me she was bi-polar?

Why didn't she tell me she couldn't control her cookie?

Why didn't she tell me she was a b*tch?

Why didn't she tell me it was impossible for me to make her happy? Or that she wasn't willing to put any effort into the relationship? Or that her dad was an alcoholic so as soon as I have more than one drink on the weekend I'm an alcoholic?



If you tell a girl on the first date that you're a crossdresser, she's probably not going on the 2nd date, unless you met her on AdultFriendFinder, in which case you'd probably be better off with an escort service or some sort of mail-order bride, anyway.

Well, I think there are things you know about yourself and things you don't. I mean, I know I'm a b*tch but no one seems to believe me (until we break up of course). lol

I don't think you need to tell every person you go on a date with. I think you do need to tell everyone you want to start a relationship with.

I try my best not to impress anyone. I tend to believe if me, being me, isn't impressive enough, then trying to impress you means I'm being something I'm not. I don't go out of my way to make anyone think me perfect because I'm the furthest thing from that. The only thing I'm perfect at is being me and if that's not acceptable then obviously they aren't the one for me.

BUT when you do want to finally start a relationship, I would hope you to find someone with more compatible interests if possible and that would mean spilling the beans early enough to find out if crossdressing is something the person is okay with. If not, then at least you know and no harm no foul.

[Pandora]

Great thread Krystal. As other have mentioned, you are not alone. As a straight CDer who’s never married and in my mid 30s, I am also looking to date GGs. My response to this dilemma has been to take a long hard look at myself and realize that by not being upfront in past relationships I was being dishonest, and if I ever wanted to find the right GG I needed to start being honest right now. Almost all the women I’ve dated have made it clear they did not approve of CDing, so I should have just owned up, at least to myself, right then and there. But I didn’t and that was wrong.

I’ve thought about online dating to meet women interested in CDs but have not read many positive things about that (including your post). If I can summon enough courage I will take a different approach.

I have a long way to go, but being totally new to this forum I feel is a step in the right direction. I am not here to use this as a dating site, which it obviously isn’t, but to grow as a person, make some new friends and hopefully have some fun. My CD level is probably 5 out of 10 but I would like to go further. I have never used makeup or gone out, but these are goals I may someday reach. I may even take a picture one day and hope it turns out as great as yours.(stunning!) Right now I’m still feeling a sense of exhilaration from my first few posts and my new sense of self realization (not to mention the silk dress I’m wearing). There are so many great people posting here it is really encouraging and great to know I am not alone. :battingeyelashes:

Sorry for rambling on, but to finish up, I would like to share something pretty amazing (for me anyway) that happened to me this past weekend. I was out at the bar with a few friends (no one other than those reading this knows anything about this side of me) and we started talking to a group of women. I hit it off with a cute blonde and during the conversation I made a conscious decision to try and be more honest. Now I don’t think I will be running around telling every girl I meet that I dress within the first few sentences but I was able to get across that I am comfortable with expressing my feminine side. I didn’t say it like it was a joke or sarcastically either. After that the conversation flowed even more and she basically made it blatantly obvious that I take her number. What will happen? Who knows. But it felt absolutely wonderful to be honest from the get go. Best of luck to all of us in this journey.

And special thanks to the GGs on here. I feel I can learn a tremendous amount from all of you. :hugs:

[kateyk]

Here is how my boyfriend told me, for those who are interested. He told me he had something very personal to tell me and felt he had to tell me before our relationship went any further. We met on a lunch hour at a park. He put his arms around me and held me my back to his chest so we weren't facing each other and told me he loved me, that he had to tell me something that he worried would cause me to change my mind about him. He took a long time to get it out, but he said he liked womens clothing. At first I wasn't sure what he meant exactly but he proceeded to tell me it was called cross dressing and that he liked to wear womens clothing. That he had no desire to be a woman full time or to date men. (which was the first question that popped into my head actually) He told me many things like what he had read about it, how long he had the desire, you get the picture. The entire time he held me tightly against him. I think not facing him made it easier on him to tell me and holding me made me feel good because before he told me what it was he had to tell me I had many many horrible thoughts in my head and knowing he was telling me something and holding me to let me know he loved me was just the right thing.

[Andine]

Lawyers practise the art of delusion, by failing to divulge information that is relevant, when it is relevant to do so. This results in some lawyers being seen a liars, whilst they maintain that they are not. When faced with the truth they say " you dind't ask the right question!"

This sort of behaviour may be OK when you are representing someone in a case of law, and there is a ranch hanging in the ballance, but this is your future and rather more than the afore mentioned ranch.

If you are going to have a meaningfull relationship that endures, with another person, then nothing less than complete honesty will serve you in the end. The other person must have this requirement as well.

Having said all that, you obviously have timing of revelations at your disposal, and you can make use of that with great effect. You could even use it as a barganing chip if the situation is right.

I spent many years as a young man trying to conform to what I saw as the person I should be. It never worked. These days I have long wavy hair, dangly earrings on one side, and I get on with people really well. Contrary to advice from my male friends who wanted me to " get " a woman I found that my preferred apearance resulted in a lot more pleasant contact with ladies whom I found atractive. Whether I ever find one I wish to share life with again is however, in the lap of the gods!

Dating sites have always been a disaster with game playing being the main agenda. I tried it for a month or two and found it to be a waste of energy. You are more likely to meet the person of your dreams by doing an act of kindness in a supermarket car park, than you are on a dating service, or a night club.

best wishes from an old fart!

[docrobbysherry]

This just made me think ...

Lying to people is bad. Hiding things from people ... well, that's kinda like lying, but everybody hides things. Discretion is seen as a positive trait.

I mean, let's say I'm a total sex fiend. Am I supposed to spring that one on the first date? I wonder what the standard number of dates is before a guy says he's into S&M, or likes a foreign object or two in the mix, or likes to be the one in the dress now and then. It's a game of showing the real you. You start off in a relationship and it's all a lie. You're putting a ton of effort into looking your best and making an impression. You're not being yourself at all. It just so happens that the more shocking secrets end up being the ones that come out last. It's a shame, really. I don't know what the answer is.

Don't all relationships end because of a "personality issue" being brought to light, though? How much pain could've been prevented if she would've just told me!

Why didn't she tell me she was bi-polar?

Why didn't she tell me she couldn't control her cookie?

Why didn't she tell me she was a b*tch?

Why didn't she tell me it was impossible for me to make her happy? Or that she wasn't willing to put any effort into the relationship? Or that her dad was an alcoholic so as soon as I have more than one drink on the weekend I'm an alcoholic?



If you tell a girl on the first date that you're a crossdresser, she's probably not going on the 2nd date, unless you met her on AdultFriendFinder, in which case you'd probably be better off with an escort service or some sort of mail-order bride, anyway.

Would u PLEASE just admit you dated my ex? Sounds like u got to know the REAL her pretty well, too!

[ReineD]

I cannot help with advice about online dating, but I can share at what point in our relationship by bf told me about the CDing and also offer other thoughts from the GG's perspective:

He told me when feelings had begun to develop between us; when we were sharing more about ourselves and our pasts, but before we had become intimate. By the time he told me, I cared enough about him to want to learn more. I did not feel turned on by the CDing and it didn't turn me off either. I saw it as he explained it: an added dimension (to the person that I was beginning to care deeply about). I was immediately supportive. I did feel a great deal of empathy for his having had to live with the social stigma, and this increased my attraction. My heart went out to him. I also felt touched that he had shared this very vulnerable part of himself with me. He sent me links to online CD resources that began my own TG education. If I had seen him dressed the first time I met him, I do not know if there would have been an attraction. Maybe? I fell in love with his inner being, not the outward appearance (although his eyes, sexy smile, and long blond hair made my knees feel weak :daydreaming:). Over time, my appreciation of all of his dimensions increased. There were some ups and downs, but the difficulties we experienced were not necessarily CD related.

I agree with others who have already posted that many GGs will stick around after being told; especially if they have gotten to know and care about you first and there is a connection between you. It is not lying if you disclose the CDing only once you believe the relationship is going somewhere. I do believe many if not most GGs are open-minded and are willing to educate themselves. CDing in itself is not threatening (although a desire to transition is another matter). In fact, CDing has many positive aspects! The difficulty or challenge is not in telling a GG, but to balance the CDing needs with the relationship needs as the relationship evolves. And the equilibrium point is different for everyone.

I think a lack of emotional availability, and the secrecy or lack of forthrightness about some of the CDing or sexual behaviors is what makes a relationship with a CD potentially difficult. Of course the same applies to a GG. If she were emotionally unavailable or obsessive and secretive about aspects of her own life, the relationship would not be satisfying.

A thought about perceived GG's preferences for the aggressive macho type: while there is a popular belief that we want a knight in shining armor who will protect us against the world's cruelties, such knights are a mere fantasy, and most of us know it. The GGs that I know prefer men who are warm, nurturing, caring, and sensitive. While it is true that TGs have these traits, non-TGs have them as well. Not all non-TGs are beer guzzling, borish, louts. Other desirable qualities, such as being responsible, dependable, honest, and trustworthy, and having an ability to communicate needs and wants and negotiate them are also not gender specific. My point is that I do not agree with any of the stereotypes.

Oh, and one last thought about the GG who is immediately attracted to the femme persona: is it a fantasy of most CDs to be loved purely as women and is this why such GGs are so desirable? My instincts tell me that these GGs pick up on this, but a relationship with the GG who specifically seeks out a CD will eventually face the same challenges as a relationship with the accepting and supportive among the rest of us.

:2c:

Good luck with your search!

[VeronicaH]

I have been a member here for over a year. From the various responses I guess I am one of a few who are still looking. Those of us asking about dating, threads are pushed to the back of the pile quickly because there seems to be a lack of interest.

I have posted this avatar picture on several dating sits. One site, "BPM,” when I told her, I was a crossdresser. Responded with the following reply "if we were married, I would think about it. But, because you told me before any relationship, I don't think so.”

When it comes to dating good looking, very good looking, and stunning women are threatened by the competition. While all we want is to go to bed and wake up, and thank God for the beautiful woman sleeping next to us! It is understandable, something most women know nothing, would back out of dating a CD.



Having read many SO threads on here concerning their fears, and finds out after being married for ten years. I found this reply going against many ggs on here. If anyone else has tried online dating, I am curious of the response you have gotten. Is there a secret? It seems wining the lottery is easier! :daydreaming:

Hi Krystral, I dated on-line and found a wonderful woman. I agonized about telling her for quite some time. Finally are relationship need to go to a different level so I sucked it up and told her. To my supprise she just said "so". I think the reason it went so well is we were in love at the time. What I'm trying to say is get her looked on you before you tell her. It's a gamble though.

Veronica :battingeyelashes:

[Josephine 1941]

Hi Krystal, I am one of the few that has a women that loves all of me. I am 66 so in my mind I don't have the time to draw it out . I let all of the women that I had met in two yr period know that I love to dress as a women. I had few problems and most loved it, I don't know how to explane it. My girl friend now which we have been together for 2 yrs said when I told her, I am a New York city girl so what ! We both are the same size even in shoes,love shoping together and buy matching outfits. She has said to me that if most men had my atatude the women would not care what you wear. I am lucky, so I guess my simple advice to you is be your self, when they see you are upfrount you will win a few. Good Luck

Josephine :D

[lestiforget]

When you find someone to fall in love with on the inside it won't matter what she looks like on the outside, she will be beautiful to you. The same will go for her if the feeling is mutual. Don't keep it a secret. It's the insides that count first.

Back when I was single, a few years ago, I joined a dating site and put up the most gorgeous picture I could find of myself - model perfect. I got thousands of hits in the year I was there, but ended up with only 3 friends out of it, 2 who were married and wanted to cheat on their wives with me (I said no) and one with whom I never discussed having a romantic relationship. All this to say that the internet is no easier a way to find a mate than going to the store to buy groceries. ...or flying half way around the world for a 10 day vacation which is where I met the love of my life. :D

Hang in there. If you believe true love will find you, it will.