im really down right now

[newcd]

my family caught me today in a pair of panties and a bra and it started a huge argument and now there talking about kicking me out if i dont stop cd'ing and if they do that i have no where to go besides my car and i dont want to live out of my car again:sad: they said they dont want no gays in there house but the thing is im not i just prefer to dress in women's clothes because it helps me feel like my true self. I've always felt more comfortable when i dress up but they dont seem to realize just because i dress up that im not gay i have no idea how to explain it to them and i was just starting to get really comfortable with it and this happens this is why im afraid to go out in public i just dont know what to do anymore well thanks for listening everybody and any help would be really appreciated:strugglin

[vivianann]

I am so sorry that you are having such a terrible experience with your family, when you tell them that you are not gay what do they say to you? you need to tell them that you are a heterosexual crossdresser, but maybe now is not the time. If I were you when the time is right write a letter about your desires to wear feminine clothing, and write about your heterosexual desires for women, and whatever comes to mind, tell them that you love them and that you are not trying to hurt them and you need to do this cding thing to keep from getting depressed. and when the time is right give the letter to your mother. you really need to move out on your own so your family cannot use homelessnes as a threat over your head. I know you are a student now, but you need to figure out how to get out on your own, you are young and you have a whole life ahead of you, if you need someone to talk to you can pm me if you want to.:hugs:

[Sandi jo]

The best thing is to talk to them and try to explain the best you can

[DemonicDaughter]

Some people just don't entirely understand how the dynamics of CDing works. Plus, its most likely that they are getting more frustrated while speaking to you. Perhaps you can direct them to Wiki or another site that best describes why you CD. Maybe if they understand numerous other straight men/women CD, you might have a better chance of getting through.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Mary

You need to try and sit down with a family member who will listen to what you have to say

If you can do that you can explain and hopefully when you have finished they will help you talk to the rest of the family and they wil understand a lot better and be more tolerant

Getting you own place to live long term might be the best option


good Luck :hugs:

[Wenda]

Sorry to hear about your tough situation. As the others have said, start with the least hostile family member and go from there. In the meantime, it is probably expedient to move your femme stuff someplace out of the house. There have been older threads about cding and depression. All the best, w.

[bgirl]

I can't offer you advice. I can offer you my support and compassion.
You have one big thing out of the way, they know about you. The difficuly is getting them to understand. My wife knows, tries to except and has difficulty understanding. Sometimes so do I.

You may have to go underground for awhile until your relationship with your family improves or your lodging situation changes.

What ever you do, don't deny yourself. I have done that and went through much difficulty. When my dad caught me I was seven and he scared me into the closet for a long time. I wasn't old enough to understand that it was ok for little boys to wish they were little girls.
Hang in there girl. I hope things work out.
Beth

[CD Tammy]

Work hard, save up and get your own place. Then you can dress as you damned well please.

[Emily Ann Brown]

Listen to the wise advice Mary....pick the least hostile family member and get the truth out on the table. What do you have to lose? Nothing, they are talking about kicking you out. What have you got to gain? The chance to get the truth heard and maybe patch things up.

Emily Ann

[Shelly67]

I totally agree , the hostility you are now forced with needs support from an understanding person who can openly communicate with , and for you .
I think the first thing that everyone needs to do is bloody well calm down .
If anyone in life gives you ultimatums ( unless for youre own safety ie drugs or alcohol ) it becomes a wedge , growing bigger by the argument .
So try to calm the situation .
Ask politely if you could please have an honest open hearted chat with youre nearest and dearest . Whatever you do , don,t patronise , but tell them you love them and would they at least hear you out .
Thats the first hurdle .
But , just in case I,d start to make arrangements and look for a place to get youre head down . Indeed , I,d also have a case packed , if the possibility of heated arguments arise .
If they do , well , to be thrown out is very very hurtful . But , if you express youre feelings ( dont be afraid to ) and its still a no - go , then you may have to leave of youre own accord .
If this happens tell them you love them , youre sorry to hurt them , but you have to go . You have no other choice .
I really feel for you right now .
Like I,ve typed , i think give it a few days , then let the matter calm down . Try to talk . Its sooo damned hard talking on this nervous almost taboo subject , that if you can sit down when the anger has passed - do so . And the best piece of advice I can only give , is make sure those who are making the most noise on this issue - are not in the room on first disscussion.
Good luck ....I,m sure the entire forum wishes you well and is thinking of you .........

[MJ]

I am sorry you are having troubles , you have some great advice , but the problem is they now know something and are making up there own minds . and they don't have the correct information a disaster waiting to happen
you better tell your side and help them understand YOU !!! .my heart goes out to you .
i wish you well
huggs

[Carrie f]

This may not be what you want to hear, and like any advice you should take it as it can practically apply to you. First let me say I think you are in a totally unpleasant situation which must be hell for you. I'm sure there's not a person here who doesn't feel for you.

- Perhaps take a deep breath, slow down and try to re-group a bit. Get away from dresssing for awhile and put your cd belongings somewhere private. Let things cool down a bit.
- I've alwas gone by the motto of 'dealing from a position of strength' whether emotional strength, financial, intellectual or whatever. Have your facts /position clear in your mind, and as someone already mentioned, try to find a family member you feel is approachable who you can confide in and get support from.
- It can be hard to find support sometimes but you should always be able to find it from your family, so maybe it's a case of figuring out how to do that.

I don't know your family, your situation or anything about the parties involved, so maybe none of what I'm saying applies to you or maybe some does.

Just remember you're not doing anything wrong. The prejudices, refusal to learn and stubbornness are not coming from you so don't feel you should apologize. But it is you that has to take the high road and help them understand or at least meet you half way.

Please let us know how you make out. I for one, will be thinking of you and wishing you well, Carrie.

[Nicole Erin]

Work hard, save up and get your own place. Then you can dress as you damned well please.

And the conjugation [r whatever] said AMEN!

But also, yeah it is good to try to communicate but with some folks that just doesn't work. There are certain people who just will not listen. If that is your case, then you might have to keep it undercover until you do get your own place.

[Seville]

Getting you own place to live long term might be the best option


good Luck :hugs:

Getting you own place to live long term IS the best option.

As usual, I'm odd gurl out :violin:

In my case, it came to physical violence, emotional
blackmail, attempted murder...But all families
are different. Sounds like yours might be like mine.

BTW, to save my sanity and life I lived in my car
TWICE! If I didn't say it before, I'll say it again:

Getting you own place to live long term IS the best option.

Just my :2c: Take it or leave it.

Hugs,

[mike47]

Mary,
As I have come to learn there are alot of men that like to dress like women and still be as straight as an arrow. There is nothing wrong with that if you ask me. Sometimes though it is hard for people to understand that is for sure. If or when you do decide to go in public dressed you will know what I mean. As for your family due to your circumstances maybe you should do as they wish for now. I don't know for sure. To get a job, go to school, and have a place is hard but people do it. It is what is best for you at this particular time. I will say good luck and hope things become alot more friendlier and more understanding.

[docrobbysherry]

Your own family is hurting u, and in doing so, hurting themselves.
Just do the best u can and try not to be depressed. U have your whole life in front of u. Things will change, get better, given time. Wait and see.

Maybe one day u will look back on these dark days and have a chuckle!?

[april lynn]

set down and talk to them and let them know that just becouse u are a cd u are not guy there is books out there on cd's:hugs::love:

[Suzy Harrison]

The first thing I did when I looked at your post was to see where you lived. If I were close by I'd do what I can you help you.

It is a shame that the people who should love, protect and cherish you the most (your family) are failing to do so. Please do not feel guilty about this matter - as it is they who are letting you down and not the other way around.

Your greatest resource at this time is the advice of the members of this site - and there is some very practical advice offered from what I've read.

Please do not despair as this will sort itself out in time. In time you will have all you need. Don't worry.

[ania83cd]

I think that the best thing you could do now is trying to explain everything. Unless your parents are like mine and once they get there mind on something it's like trying to stop a trian, and you might get really hurt in the process. I hope that's not the case.

There's one difference I see already because they caught you and you're still among the living:straightface:

I hope you will be able to resolve this peacefully, :hugs:

[Amy Hepker]

All you can do is be honest and tell them you are not Gay, you are a crossdresser. You may end up moving out anyway now. Get to a doctor and get some anti-depressants and live your life as you please and feel is right for you.

[Celeste]

You know you are entitled to your privacy,and it is kind of an invasion of that privacy for them to be concerned with what you do in your personal,private and free time.Try to take the steps necessary to regain your privacy even if it that means moving out.At least when you were in your car there wasn't anyone meddling in your business.

[jessielee]

dear Mary,
i hope things are looking up for you.
what a quandary. you don't want to break ties with your parents but one of these days they must respect your autonomy. sure they brought you up with expectations you would follow the path they set you on. but we all diverge and explore our own directions, sooner or later. we are grateful for the foundation they gave us. that's what it is, a foundation, not the entire edifice.
your own digs will cost; perhaps too much.
can you link up with a sister at a club looking a roommate situation? there are so many people in the greater metro area, such a potential support community of regular cross dressers who aren't looking for sex or to exploit. any roommate sitch is dicey, whether dressing or not, but striking out into the unknown, cautiously, spreading your wings is what we do when leaving the nest.
while i always wished i was a ggirl, when i left auburn hills in '79 at age 20 for wyoming, i had no idea i would ever dress. even so, within a few years i was doing things my parents raised me to not consider. so its normal. and you are so far ahead of the game plan i followed to this place we have in common.
best wishes, girl.
dare to breathe free.
jessie

[Carrie f]

All you can do is be honest and tell them you are not Gay, you are a crossdresser. You may end up moving out anyway now. Get to a doctor and get some anti-depressants and live your life as you please and feel is right for you.

Amy, I don't want to sound arguementative but I have to put my 2 cents in about the anti depresants. Go & see a doctor of course Mary, and if you're clinically depressed take an appropriate medication. But don't take anti depressants unless thay are truly needed. They can hurt more than help.
You're in a bad situation. Deal with it from your own inner strength, not the false confidence of feel good pills.

Again, Amy's advice is very good and if you are clinically depressed get the right meds. Just make sure. I've seen people mis-diagnosed and suffer some pretty severe consequences. Especially, if they're in a vulnerable position.

[Josie Angel]

*hugs* My heart goes out to you. My thoughts are with you. I may be in a similar situation soon, trying to explain myself to my family.

I don't have any advice. Just take care of yourself. I send you hugs, love, and positive thoughts and vibes.

*hugs*

I am so sorry this has to come just when you are starting to feel comfortable with yourself.

What I realized for myself is that Josie is a part of me now. She is something inside of me, not just external. And no one can take that away from me. Maybe you can find some comfort/hope in this thought. No one can take away who you are inside.

*hugs* Message me if you want. Like I said, I may not have any advice. But I'm willing to listen and to support you.

*hugs*

[VtVicky]

I am on the side of laying low for now. CDing is only a part of your life, not the whole thing. Don't screw up your future by comprimising your education or your living situation. You will have plenty of time to pursue CDing after you are safely on your own.

All life is a series of comprimises. Right now you need a place to live until you are prepared to live on your own. Every kid on the planet has to suppress some of his desires in order to get along with his family. It won't kill you unless you let it.

And I wouldn't waste a lot of time and energy trying to explain anything as complicated as CDing to people who have already told you they aren't receptive to facts.


Good luck

[Sasha Anne Meadows]

Just never be ashamed of who you are dear.

[april lynn]

newcd, hav you try to talk to them let them know of this site thy can get the answer to there Questions.:hugs:

[Melora]

I cannot offer any advice that has already been given except choices..
Accept and conform to your families wishes..
Or..
Be FREE
And accept that your family is kinda ignorant of you and your situation. And Go out to your own place and be the FREE YOU!
If your Family loves you then they will ultimatelly accept you and if not then at least You are Free to do what you wish..
Not an easy thing to accept, But something you need to face, since they already know about you, and will not accept. Maybe they just need some enlightenment and new education?? I know an easy thing for me and some others to say because "we just dont really know what your situation is like, And I DONT.
You always have friends Here! Always.. No matter what always. And there are always others in the world who will accept you, for what you are..

Good luck to you Mary.. Always.. And please listen to everybody on this thread, Remember..Some of us are right some of the time and some of us are wrong some of the time.
Melora/Katie

[newcd]

I've taken some of your advice I've been lookin around my area for a cheap place to stay but no luck i do have enough money to rent for a couple of months ive always been somewhat good with money and ive also tried to get my ma to sit down and talk with me but she says she's not ready yet but when she is she said she will talk about my choices that i have made which is most likely a good thing do to the fact that she is the most reasonable person in my family even though she flipped out the most but we will see soon and i will let you all know what happens after we talk :)


:love:
Mary

[Dee Jay]

This is good news.
Make it clear that it's not a choice. We don't chose to become crossdressers. It's built in. We only chose what we do with our desires, and how far to take them.

Let your mum know that what you do doesn't hurt anyone.
Explain that you don't drink to excess, you don't do drugs and you don't visit prostitutes.... All you want to do is dress as a girl. I'm sure that your mum would rather have a CD as a son than a drug addicted, alcoholic, who risks serious infection by calling on hookers each night.

Best of luck with your journey.

DJ

[satin_luva]

If all else fails, get nasty and blackmail the f### out of them. Get violent. It's disgusting how people do things such as what you've described. If it's the last resort don't hesitate. Giving it a try is better than sleeping in a car all the time... and make it damn clear that you are not gay.

[DemonicDaughter]

If all else fails, get nasty and blackmail the f### out of them. Get violent. It's disgusting how people do things such as what you've described. If it's the last resort don't hesitate. Giving it a try is better than sleeping in a car all the time... and make it damn clear that you are not gay.

Getting violent is only going to get them arrested or physically harmed themselves! How can you give such advise without knowing their capabilities!?

Yes, its disgusting what people can do but answering in a violent manner only spurs discrimination and gives people an excuse to do far worse than previously described.

I'd rather sleep in the car then attempt to get violent with a group of people much less family! That will just cause more daily stress, resentment and anger.

And as far as that last line... this is all I have to say about that. (http://crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=78960)

[Shelly67]

If all else fails, get nasty and blackmail the f### out of them. Get violent. It's disgusting how people do things such as what you've described. If it's the last resort don't hesitate. Giving it a try is better than sleeping in a car all the time... and make it damn clear that you are not gay.

Get violent with youre family ?
That takes the subject to a whole new level - gutter level .
I,d just sit back wait for everyone to calm down , and then open up .
Just be you - dont be ashamed . I,m sure if youre family saw just how much pain you were in , they,d at least listen . Gay or otherwise .
Good luck.......

[battybattybats]

I also think that violence is a foolish and nonsensical response except in immediate neccessary self defence and even that is a desperate gamble!

However let us not forget that not everyone will listen to reason. Some people will ignore logic, good arguments and the like.
It's worth a try though.

Consider what source of info they will listen too, some sources an unreasonable person will dissmiss out of hand but other sources will make them stop and think.

Perhaps find a site for example from a church that is ok with transgender issues if that is a source they will more likely listen to. (if they are strongly religious another good option is the bible itself, it has lots of passages about tolerance in it. Also the famous anti-gay bit is right near the anti pig meat bit. Your family like bacon and pork? Shellfish? Cotton blend clothing?)

Appeal to an authority they will respect and not dissmiss out of hand.

Or failing that, be as secretive as possible and go elsewhere to dress. See if you can find supportive friends in your area who will enable you to dress and store stuff at their place. Their are CD's everywhere, the only trick is working out how to find them locally. If it takes a while to do so try and hold on till you can.

It's situations like these that remind me how important having TG receptive shelters is!

[mishelle379]

dont worry dear, most of us r not gay, we just prefer to feel like women, just society automatically assumes that

[janie2261]

Whenever we encounter anger or hostility, especially from a loved one, there is ALWAYS some sort of fear at the base of it. There is something your parents fear about your crossdressing. It must be a strong fear, since they are willing to kick you our over it.

Before you begin to explain yourself, you need to fully understand their fears. they may be fearful of the what the neighbors will think, or they may be fearful of losing their expectation that you will grow up, get married and have a nice family. Or they may be afraid you will go to hell. Perhaps they are afraid you will get AIDS. It could be any number of things. You need to find out.

Here's a safe suggestion: Simply ask for a "listening" discussion and then ask them to open up and tell you why they are so opposed to your crossdressing. Let them fully express themselves and ask follow-up questions, until you feel you FULLY understand their fear. Ask them to claify how they FEEL.

Only then does it make sense to try to explain your situation. Only after you have understood how they feel, and you acknowledge and accept their feelings, you can then explain how you feel.

Try to start off at the level of feelings, rather than rationalizations or arguments. Arguing about this will just get you kicked out.

Just as you have trouble working with your feelings about crossdressing, they may have just as much trouble working with their feelings about having a crossdressing son.

After you have fully shared your feelings, you can then sit together on the same side of the table and work out a plan that will meet both of your needs.

If necessary, you may need some family counselling. Perhaps a trusted pastor could help. Or a professional who could help you all find common ground. Parents love their children, and they need to find a way to see past their fears, which are now getting in the way of their love.

Try to handle it with compassion and forgiveness.

[Ana5551]

I am going to fall in with the laying low crowd. You need to look out for your own best interest right now and homelessness is not in your interest. Keep your chin up, everyone gets what they deserve in the end. Good luck.

[Annie D]

When confronted by a mob, a single person cannot possibly overcome the shouts and outcries of many. You must win over the opposition one person at a time. When you can talk one on one, you will be more likely to change the attitude of one or be able to reach a middle ground compromise that that one person can live with. One battle won and go on to the next and then the next and so on. In this way you will find the feelings of each individual and be able to deal with that person.

A mob will feed off one another and then the opposition will seem undefeatable.