Child Abused CDs

[ricki mtz cd]

Hey Ladies,
After browsing your (now our) website for a while, I'm finally posting something. The question I have is: How many of you (us) CrossDressers or Transsexuals where victims of child abuse?

I was only eleven years old when I was sodomized by three older guys (15-19 years old) It was pretty scary and I didn't like it at first, I guess you can call it rape, but I didn't know any better at the time so I just went along with it because I was scared. This went on for about a year, every time they could catch me I got screwed. To make a long story short, I eventually began to like it, and thus the question.

What I don't understand and probably never will is: How in the world did this kind of abusive and degenerate treatment, turn into something so pleasurable and even desirable. My best answer to this is: If I had not made the best of those bad situations, I could have probably become a very troubled person, and even possibly the type who either commits suicide or becomes a pedophile that preys on other children.

I love this website and feel at home here, thank god I found it.

Ricki

[celeste26]

While there were many things that happened that I didn't like, I was never abused.

Granted there are many notorious cases lately about abused children. I dont think there is a larger percentage of abused children that show up later as CD's than there are in the general population. Yes abuse is horrible and it does cause great problems in the future of any child but CD or TV I dont think it is generaly true.

[silkstockings71]

i was never abused and choose to do this for my own sexuality. my feelings are with you for what has happened

[Teddie]

Same here. I was never abused. In fact it was a very loving home, same with all the relatives. You should have added another selection to your poll, never.

[pantylover1]

I 'm with teddy, I came from a strong loving family Got my but kicked by my dad for screwing up you know the usual stuff no abuse here

[DonnaT]

No abuse here either.

[melissacd]

Ricki,

First I want to say that I am so sorry that you had to go through such a terrible thing. I can only imagine how horrible it must have been. It sounds like it happened in an era when coming home and telling your parents would have been just as bad as the bullying.

It is sad that kids can be so mean. It is a travesty that these kids took it way beyond that. You ask if it was rape...the answer is it yes. Anytime an adult is sexually violated it is rape. This is way beyond rape, this is child abuse. It is appalling. Childhood should be about loving protective parents and sweet memories of exploring the world and learning about its wonders. Not something like this. Now I realize that many childhoods unfortunately are puntuated with horrible things. But it is a tragedy that anyone should have to go through anything like this. It makes me feel so so sad inside.

I believe that you went along with it for the same reason as a child goes along with someone stealing their lunch money. Because you were afraid. I can remember many times when I was a child being very fearful of bullies. Thankfully it never reached this level and I can say that I did not have an abusive childhood, however, I can still appreciate how horrible this must have been and feel bad for what has happened to you.

Why it is that you took something that was abusive and turned it into something that you later enjoyed? I wonder if that was a coping strategy on your part. You took a situation that you had no cannot control over and found a way to deal with it. A way to survive the ordeal. I realize that it seems strange that that would happen. But I suspect it is no different than the situation of why it is that battered wives stay with abusive husbands. They say that they love their husbands and you scratch your head and say why? But when you have not been in a situation like this you don't appreciate the psycological pay offs that a horrible situation may have. I don't know about the rest of your life so I cannot see how this may fit in with how the rest of it played out, however, it sounds like you adapted in the best way that you could.

I am sure that the experience has changed your life in many profound ways. One wonders how different things may have been for you if this had not happened. For what it is worth, I hope that the rest of your life has been happier than this horrible experience.

Melissa

[Katie Ashe]

I was 5 Y/O and good at sucking, when he pissed in my mouth I said no more.
The SOB still taunts me till today, My dad had his butt kick once, after he found out, years ago. I'd still like to shoot him with a .50 cal from point blank... Ass O !!

Katie

[Cathe TV]

I don't believe there is any data out there that correlates abuse with crossdressing. Propensity towards violence - yes. Dressing girly ... emphatically NO.

[KewTnCurvy GG]

As a social worker and one who has experienced abuse, I see, and have myself experienced, underreporting of abuse. For instance, though I grew to love and respect my father he was one of the most sadistic SOB's on the planet. Someone who could make Hitler look good on a bad day. Now, what you need to know is that I was well into my 20's before I could admit I was abused. I used to answer this same question with "no, I was never abused". And I answered it that way for the most ****ed up reason around, HE told me he wasn't abusing me, that I deserved it. And being a gullible lil' grrl I believed him. So, maybe it's still true for you that answered no but consider the following:

1) Were you screamed at, berated, put down in any way?

2) Were you hit, threatened to be hit to the point you feared your parents? (Be aware though, fear is not necessary for it to be abuse)

3) Were you touched in ways that made you uncomfortable, did anyone touch your 'private areas'?

I was abused, though obviously I'm not a CD but like/love cd's. What does that mean, I don't know. :)

hugs
kew

[KewTnCurvy GG]

And Ricki, I too am very sorry to hear of your experiences. HOWEVER, I want to say I don't think it was because you came to like what was done to you--make the best of the situation as you put it--that prevented you from becoming depressed or a pedophile. Firstly, it is not unusual for abused children to receive pleasure from the experience of the abuse. Don't chaulk that up to you turning a bad situation good. Also, I would be VERY SURPRISED if you survived such abuse without it leaving a 'mark' on you somehow/somewhere. Abuse tends to affect self-esteem. We can also become 'gluttons for punishment' so to speak by believing our abusers that we deserved it or brought it on ourselves. Anyhoo, tis all for now, I'm still waking up and me brain is cloudy.
hugs
kew

[Cheri K]

I think the mental abuse at the hands of my mother had lots to do with with my crossdressing. Living within myself and living a double life as a child....my at home self and the person hiding the insane conditions at my home from others. I think this made it easy to live as another person.....to fantisize and pretend. :confused:

[Robertacd]

Your poll is a bit slanted don't you think?

It assumes we ALL were abused as children:mad:

[ricki mtz cd]

Hey Robertacd,
Yes my poll is totoly screwed up, and shouldn't have been included, chalk that up to inexperiance. Thanks to all who paticipated, nearly all of my questions are answered.

Ricki

[Cissy Suzie]

I started dressing up when I was around nine years old. I was caught by an older neighbor kid about two years later, he raped me, then told me he would tell everyone about me dressing in girly clothes, and that I would do as he told me from then on.

His visits lasted for a couple of years, maybe twice a week. I hated him, but at the same time I was strangely drawn to enjoy what he did to me. At first I really didn't realize we were having sex, then when I did understand that, the shame and embarrassment was multlpied to the extreme.

I believe being able to adapt, learning to enjoy the act, saved me. I do however wish I had never laid eyes on that asshole, and I do even now know exactly where he lives.

[taressa]

;) My experience was somewhat slanted by the fact that I was already a crossdressing little flirt when it happened. One Spring my parents for some reason left me alone in the care of a 20 year old male. The very first time they left me for a whole week! Now I and my sister have always been very competitive concerning the attentions of others. And everyone seemed to think it was cute until I got too old to sit in another male's lap. Seeing I had him all to myself, i began vamping disgracefully for him. And it wasn't long until he asked if I wanted to sit on his lap one night as we watched TV. Well, not only did I have the second sexual experience of my young life that night but by the end of the week it was all over town the kind of sissyboy I was. I've always been kind of ashamed of the way I acted those few months but it was more because my relatives never let me forget it than I felt abused or exploited.

[Bernadina]

Sorry. Can't vote. The no abuse option is missing.

[AbbyLee]

I too was abused to the extent that I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and clinical depression. At the same time, I had been quasidressing. I love to dress and love everything it provides. In some ways, I think the question is 'which came first the chicken or egg' My dressing has given me alot of what the abuse took. Like so many others, I do not think the abuse contributed significantly to my dressing. Also, I have felt your pain and will continue to. Finally, you are absolutely right when you said. "Thank god for this site!!"

Contra Campa,
Love, Jean1

[Maddie Knight]

My step sister was abused by my dad but i don't ever remember being abused.
However I don't remember much about my childhood, i burried it a long time ago.

[RainyHaze GG]

In my own experience, I was abused in many forms by many people in my childhood. I thought that I had escaped the abuse, when I entered into a relationship at the age of 18, only to find it just another form of abuse by another set of abusers.

Sometimes people try to find the same type of connection between sexual abuse and being gay. But it puzzles me that a man abusing a girl makes her a lesbian, and a man abusing a boy also makes the boy gay?

I am always amazed by the depths of cruelity in the world.

I do know, I think at least that if you are abused you become conditioned to the abuse. It makes it very difficult to realize it as abuse, and difficult to avoid future abuse without some form of help.

Rainy

[Shecil]

I was abused. its that simple. but it had no bearing on my crossdressing what so ever. that came from me and who i am...
Ive just lerned this fact recently.
if you need to know the details of my story please read my post
True-Crime True-Story
love
Shecil

[Wenda]

I was never abused per se. My mom got progressively more eccentric as I got older, and was a relentless nag on my dad. Later in life I realized that mom's actions were controlling and abusive. I don't think it had anything to do with my dressing now. this is very recent. My parents and my neighbourhood loved us and cheered us on. Looking back though, I think I knew kids who were abused or molested. They had a certain 'worn' look about them and seemed to have a secret. They were the kids at the sidelines of life. Really sad. wenda.

[biddy]

;) My experience was somewhat slanted by the fact that I was already a crossdressing little flirt when it happened. One Spring my parents for some reason left me alone in the care of a 20 year old male. The very first time they left me for a whole week! Now I and my sister have always been very competitive concerning the attentions of others. And everyone seemed to think it was cute until I got too old to sit in another male's lap. Seeing I had him all to myself, i began vamping disgracefully for him. And it wasn't long until he asked if I wanted to sit on his lap one night as we watched TV. Well, not only did I have the second sexual experience of my young life that night but by the end of the week it was all over town the kind of sissyboy I was. I've always been kind of ashamed of the way I acted those few months but it was more because my relatives never let me forget it than I felt abused or exploited. Ifeel you were abused the guilt you admitt is abuse, you can't FEEL GUILT unless you are bought into question ? If you are bought into Question then Judgements or Assumpyions are made ? Then you are treated with what is CONSIDED appropiate by the Questioner's ?
There for in my eyes you are ABUSED :(
I too feel relunctant to vote in the Poll, I'd love to see the results of a broader version of the same issue ;)

[Natasha Anne]

I can't say I was ever sexually abused, but I was physically abused from a young age.

I don't think my crossdressing has anything to do with that though. I've got 3 brothers who went through the same and definitely are not crossdressers.

In case you're wondering still, my whole family knows about my crossdressing and I'm close enough to my brothers for them to have told me if they were.

So I don't think (and it's just my opinion) that the two can be related.

[Natasha Anne]

This subject matter intrigues me, so I did some research on the Internet. I found quite a good article at http://www.mccmanchester.co.uk/resource/david_horton_deuteronomy_chapter22verse5.doc
You will need Microsoft Word, a Word compatible programme or a viewer to open it.

The paragraph that intrigued me most was the one pasted below, it was in a section called Unsustainable Assumptions:

1) ‘The condition can be cured’. Depending on the degree of control and (presumably) the intensity

of the individual condition it can be suppressed for a time. The longer-term result can be nervous breakdown, substance dependency, and sometimes violence. Increasing the level of male hormone has led to suicide. Chemical and other aversion techniques are medically increasingly unacceptable, and by the evidence unsuccessful. Psychotherapy can help someone to come to terms with the condition but I am not aware that this stops the behaviour, although it may help the person to better balance it with the rest of his life. Sometimes age and frailty makes it impossible, but without removing the inner desire! There are blind, disabled and very old people who are transgendered. I know of a few people who claim to have been ‘healed’, sadly including more than one who continue in secret. The only sustained ‘cures’ for transgender behaviour that I am comfortable with are related to rejection of the birth sex after severe childhood homosexual abuse (and which needed years of help and support!)

[Natasha Anne]

I found an online link http://members.aol.com/gnlnews/deut22v5.htmlNo need for Word

[Phoebe Diana]

But I don't have any memory of it, or much else from before about 3rd grade.

All I know is that when I was a teenager, my father asking my, very nervously, if I remembered what happened the time he found me in a man's motel room. (My grandfather was the manager of the motel, so I had just been playing around on the grounds unsupervised.) All I could say was no, cause I didn't.

He didn't really enlighten me, either, except to apologize for not having kept a better eye on me, and for making me promise not to tell. (He said he was afraid my grandfather would kill the man if I said anything.) And that's the only time he ever said anything about it.

It was such a bizarre, out of nowhere conversation, that I sometimes wonder if I didn't dream it...but I don't think so. Kind of the opposite of those of you who said you came to enjoy it, I've always thought that men are icky.

Doesn't have a thing to do with my dressing--that didn't start until much later.

Phoebe

[paulaN]

nope never abused I just like to be girly all on my own.

[trinity24]

I had a very good childhood - and I strongly believe crossdressing is a genetic trait - i.e. we've been the way we are since we were born. It's very similar to homosexuality in that respect.

[Darlene.]

Hey Ladies,
I was only eleven years old when I was sodomized by three older guys (15-19 years old) It was pretty scary and I didn't like it at first, I guess you can call it rape, but I didn't know any better at the time so I just went along with it because I was scared. This went on for about a year, every time they could catch me I got screwed. To make a long story short, I eventually began to like it.
Ricki

Abuse is a very deep subject, and can happen to a person without their knowledge.

The abuse… that is not acknowledged… in this situation; is that you did not have a place where you felt safe to tell others about this situation. You had no place to turn to that you felt confident that this action would stop, and that is what set you up to be a repeat and willing victim of rape. Your parents failed to provide that for you.

Repeated abuse does not happen when that is in place. There are certain conditions that have to be in place for that to happen. And sexual abuse can not repeatedly occur with out (the victim) first having been (at least) emotionally, and likely physically abused.

Abuse of any kind is the result of the abuser not being able to get their needs met in a healthy manner and uses you as a pawn to meet those un-met needs.

During my childhood I received beatings regularly from my father (two and three times a week) that were watched by my mother, and continued until she received her sexual climax. I did not understand why it happened until I was 42 years of age.

I have suspected that this has had something to do with my cross-dressing as I was not treated the way I should have been for who and what I was born to be. But I can not prove that. The author of this thread was treated like he was a girl for at least one year of his life, and that had to have some effect on who and what he is today. And may well be why it was important for him to have made the best of those bad situations. One needs to survive.

I suspect there are more of us who have been abused than realize it. In fact I know there are. Some of them I have been able to peg, by the way they respond in their posts. There are some on every CD forum that I am a member of.

Those who have been abused and realize it, have a better chance of having a better life than those who never find out. And the sooner they find out the better their chance of succeeding.

Love Darlene.

[Vivian Best]

I have to say that I was NEVER sexually abused, nothing even close. On the other hand my mother was a task master and her way of controlling was a good ole spanking. As a child, I would have described her spankings as border line physical abuse. Mental abuse is another thing! Not only from mother but my uncle and grandmother. At the time it was horrible but now I don't mind, mother and grandmother told me many many times I should have been a girl and my uncle called me a girl. As a preteen, that went very deep.

However, I do not believe that promoted my crossdressing because I was already CDing even that early in life.

Vivian

[Matthew]

Hi,
I suffered from severe emotional abuse (from a step-parent) from around age 10 to 16, and relatively mild emotional neglect in the years that followed. I wonder....

Sincerely,

Matthew

[Mia lynn]

I was never sexually abused but I was beaten by a more than slightly crazy nun when I went to catholic school. She really hated men I think and really took it out on the boys in her class. I was her favorite target for some reason, I was only 7 at the time. I sometimes wonder that's the reason why I like dressing up as a girl. There's more to the story but I guess that enough of true confessions for now.
Mia lynn

[LindaLeeColby]

My father, career Navy, was a drunk and our abuse always came when he began drinking. Mostly it was beatings. I've always considered myself fortunate in some ways because I got even one night at a very young age (eight or so) and have carried that night with me ever since. Mom had managed to lock him out of the house in one of his tirades although we knew he was capable of breaking the door down and that scared me.

I remember being more fearful of mom getting hurt than me so I took up an old cast iron skillet to stand guard on the wide arm of a chair near the door. Dad managed to knock the door open and I managed to swing that skillet at just the right time catching him full in the face. He was in the hospital for nearly four days with a fractured jaw, broken nose and the loss of a couple of teeth.

We lived in Naval housing then and the Shore Patrol officer told mom he was going to list it as a fall and did. Dad was too drunk to know what really happened. Mom left him shortly after that and I didn't see him again till I was in my early twenties. He'd had a heart attack and wanted to get back together again. We talked a little but I couldn't see him in my life after so long and told him so as kindly as I could. I also told him I was the one that hit him that night.

It was great therapy.

Hugs
Linda Lee

[Sweet Susan]

Ifeel you were abused the guilt you admitt is abuse, you can't FEEL GUILT unless you are bought into question ? If you are bought into Question then Judgements or Assumpyions are made ? Then you are treated with what is CONSIDED appropiate by the Questioner's ?
There for in my eyes you are ABUSED :(

Huh? I didn't quite follow all of that, but that's okay.

Anyway, I was sexually abused when I was 12. I started crossdressing when I was eleven, so there was obviously no connection. Or wasn't there? Is it not possible that my desires to dress like a girl put my 12 year-old self in the position to be seduced and then molested by a 50 plus year-old man? And is it also not possible that the relationship that spawned from that molestation into a weekly routine that lasted for years developed because when under him I felt more feminine than when not? I don't know. I just know that although I was constantly filled with self-loathing and swore to never return, I would return to him again and again, and it didn't seem to have anything to do with crossdressing, though that didn't seem to hurt it, either.