Any Advice on Telling Mom?

[Jena11]

Well, I am 40 and I have not told my mom of my gender issues. I am not sure what to say. I do not blame her in any way. I just wish I would have been able to get help earlier in life. I just started hormones and planning on transion. It will take some time but I do not want to all of a sudden show up and look really different. I live about 1,200 miles from her and do not go to MN to very often. She has been some weird about some of my gg friends that are gay and recently was accepting of one couple. She starts with the bible stuff. I am not sure if this is a double surprize for her or not. That I want to be a woman and see myself as a lesbian. I have no intention of ever being with a man. Any thoughts would be helpful. Thanks to all. Jena

[White Neko]

Why do you think she needs to know? What do you hope to achieve by telling her about something as private as your body and sexuality?

It is true. I suppose, that life would feel a lot easier with the truth out, but isn't it sometimes better to hide the truth? Maybe you should carefully balance up all the goods and bads that could arise from this. Also, if she is a devout Christian, how do you think it will affect her.

I personally wouldn't tell my parents anything they don't need to know about my private life, but if they were to turn around and ask me if their suspicions were true, I wouldn't lie about myself..

I guess I'm just lucky to have parents who are very much more tolerant than others (they don't know about my private life, my brother's gay and my parents had a right speech to us about how they care about our lives more than mass opinions)

[Wynter Skye]

I've been struggling with the same thing. I have no idea how to tell my mother and she lives right around the corner so she's bound to find out. i'm also wary about the religion aspect so we'll see how it goes when i choose to tell her.

and as to why one would tell their parents; i'm sure she has some intentions on seeing her parents again in life. Its not about privacy of the details of one's life, for those who plan on transitioning, myself included, you can't just show up at ur parents house one day a guy and another day a girl. kinda weird and unfair. its not a private thing, this is how we choose to express ourselves on a daily basis full time. we wish to express ourselves and be seen as a gender that does not coincide with our sex. I don't plan on changing my voice just so I can talk to friends and family or putting on boy clothes just to maintain a lie.

[Jena11]

Well mostly because my theripist is saying that it would be much easier for her to know vs just all of a sudden having changed. My mom is not that reglious but that seems to be her thing sometime. I have done the pro con list and it is about even. My life has been much better since I shared with my close friends and can be comfortable with any of them being at my apartment. Without being stressed about them seeing anything. I have to think some more about it. Jena

[deja true]

All of our situations are so different, sometimes by miles and sometimes only by inches, but different all the same. Advice for the really hard questions like this one does not come easy. All I can think to do is ask if you've considered all the variables you can think of.

How old is your mom? In good health? Active mind? Generally an upbeat person or a worrier? Liberal thinker or hide-bound church goer? Independent thinker or easily persuaded? Do you know her past? Was she a hell-raiser and adventuresome girl?
A strict parent or a doting parent who spoiled you?

I'm sure you thought of all these things, but it's worth casting all your concerns with these kind of factors in mind again. They're possible indicators of her depth of love for you and the amount of empathy she'll have for you in your chosen path, I think.

Are you planning on a full transition? How long will it take? Will your mom's conditions change during this process? How would the info affect her now? How would it affect her if you told her mid-way. How about if you left it until near the very end? Will it still be necessary?

Are all the details important to tell, or only some?

I tried to put myself in your place and these are the issues that popped into my head right away. The biggest concern in all this is not to cause her any sorrow or unneeded pain, isn't it?

Sorry if I've covered ground that you've privately paced a thousand times already, but your anxiety touches me deeply.

Good luck in whatever decision you make, darling one. We all wish you the very best.

respect & love,

deja

[Samantha B L]

There are all sorts of different routes people take and there are amazing ways that Moms and Dads dodge the issue so they won't play the part of being %100 accepting yet they still acknowledge that you're their child. Some Moms just don't acknowledge TG/TS/CD matters and act like they don't hear you when you try to talk to them about it. I mean,at first they're repulsed and P.O.'d with all of your revelations. Then after a minute or two they calm down and quickly change the subject. All this only means they still accept you as their son or daughter and they accept your opening up to them but the subject is a little too much for them at the time being.

I'm a CD and I tried to come out when I was 19 several times to my Mom and to my brother and sister and even an Aunt and Uncle and this is what happened to me. Jena, I'm not a Transexual I'm a crossdresser since I was 11 or 12. I finally decided that these family members of mine reacting the way they did wasn't the happy ending I wanted ,but at least it was better than a lot of smashed dinner china,doubled up fists,cussing and hollering. And fortunately for me I didn't get kicked out of my Mom's house over all this.

So I guess I'm trying to say that I understand completely how you feel about telling your Mother. I get very nervous at the prospects of ever havng to come out to certain people in my life. I mean there are some people that the very idea of it takes 20 minutes to get it out of my head it's so daunting! But I'm just pointing out that her reaction could be much milder either that or more sophisticated psychologically that you may realize. People have strange tools for getting along and accepting the existance of diversity which are surprising.

Good luck and I hope everything works out fine

[DeniseK]

You need to begin a dialog with her before you reveal anything. Start off by saying you are unhappy and are not sure why. Then tell her you are going to see a therapist. Don't bring it up again for a while and see if she gets curious. Then, hopefully she will try to pull it out of you.

Act like you want to discuss it but are afraid to and over a period of time attempt to manipulate the converstions so you can set the stage for telling her. Hopefully she will have already figured on her own where you are headed and won't be so shocked by your revelations. Then beat her to the punch on the bible stuff by prefacing your revelation with a request for her to pray for you.

IMO this is the best approach because it gives you the ability to change tact if it doesn't seem to be going well. Ultimately, some of the girls may be right in that you may determine it is better left unsaid, in which case when you go to visit you can wear a sport bra under a loose shirt to flatten out and androgenous pants and shoes. Not all that horrid once or twice a year.

Its your mom and you only get one so she's worth the effort. Good luck.

Hugs xxx

Denise






Well, I am 40 and I have not told my mom of my gender issues. I am not sure what to say. I do not blame her in any way. I just wish I would have been able to get help earlier in life. I just started hormones and planning on transion. It will take some time but I do not want to all of a sudden show up and look really different. I live about 1,200 miles from her and do not go to MN to very often. She has been some weird about some of my gg friends that are gay and recently was accepting of one couple. She starts with the bible stuff. I am not sure if this is a double surprize for her or not. That I want to be a woman and see myself as a lesbian. I have no intention of ever being with a man. Any thoughts would be helpful. Thanks to all. Jena

[Jamie Parks]

Hi Jena
I am kinda new here but if you don't mind I will tell you my story of how I told my mom. First let me start by saying I had just lost my father a couple months before I told her(I loved him but he was the reason I never told anyone about myself, he was a mans man if you know what I mean). I was driving my aunt back to her home some 6 hours away and my mother was with me, after we dropped her off we(me and my mother) had a nice long trip back and I just told her it went far better than I could have hoped. She didnt beleve me at first but I pulled up my pants leg and showed her that I was wearing pantyhose what more proof do you need than that lol. She was a little shocked and asked if I was gay(not in a mean way) and I told her I wasnt and she told me it didnt matter if anyway, I was her baby(I am the youngest of 3 children)and she loved me no matter what. The rest of the way home we talked about it and I pointed out different times and events and she realised she kinda already knew. It hasnt changed our relationship at all(it might of even brought us closer). A couple years earlier she had breast cancer(she is 10 years free of cancer now:D) and about a year ago she gave me her silicone breasts forms so as far as my experience goes it was great if you decide to tell yours I hope it goes as well
Good luck Jamie

p.s. let us know how it goes if you decide to tell her.

[lexiegirl619]

One thing that caught me a bit off guard when people started noticing the small changes coming more frequently was that a very devoted Christian reminded me that there is physical context of the passages used for the time they were written in. The Bible is a guidebook, but it also says, "let he who is sinless cast the first stone..."

I am struggling with telling my family- we were very close at one time but as we have all gotten older we have become more distant- and honestly I have always been somewhat different. My SO's family is supportive for the most part, they often do not fully understand why a GG would be so supportive but it was much easier to talk to them.

I guess most of us face similar issues, I wish you the best in what you decide with your mom. One suggestion, arm yourself with information- especially with the Biblical issues. Unless your religious aspects do not recognize the New Testament- then the context of the Old Testament was written for the "chosen people of G-d"

Ok so I will quit passing out second or third hand information and wish you all well. Now I must arm myself on posting rules again because it has been a while and I do not want to knowingly violate any of them.