CD = stress

[AKAMichelle]

I have just started thinking back to my very first thoughts of crossdressing. It started when I was 4 because I wanted to play with dolls with the neighbor girls. My mom bought me a boy doll thinking it would solve the problem. In Kindergarten I played with the girls wearing dresses. At age 8 -10 I remember praying that I wanted to be a girl. Crossdressed and purged through the years. Crossdressed and purged some more. Went through a lot of destructive cycles. Lying, cheating and covering up the horrible truth. I'm a crossdresser.

Now at 48 with a wife of 25 years and several kids, I want to fully explain it all to my wife. She knows that I have crossdressed cause she caught me once. I have explained some of it, but I never could bring myself to finish the explanation. We sorta of ignore it but the time is getting close to spill the beans. Last year I ended up buying myself a sports car for my birthday. What I wanted was pierced ears. I drove around in the car working up the nerve to tell my wife about myself and just as I was going to finish the story got pulled over for speeding. Got out of the ticket but decided it was a warning not to go there now. :)

I know from many of the threads that telling the wife has led to 3 primary different results.
1) Divorce
2) Don't Ask - Don't Tell
3) Acceptance

How do you prepare yourself for one of these 3 scenarios? I accept the possibilities and I'm totally terrified of the event. I have plenty to lose in a divorce but the money doesn't mean anything to me. I still can't bring myself to fully opening up to my wife. After 25 years she has so many misconceptions about events in our lives which I allowed to happen to hide the crossdressing.

At this age I want to either reach that point where I can truly be close with my wife or move on and find someone else. Call it a mid-life crisis crossdressing style. :D

Sorry for the long post but I have never admitted to anyone what I need to tell my wife and I need to work up the nerve to finish the conversation.

[Christine Kelly]

I truly believe that there are worst things you could discuss with your wife of 25 years, then that you enjoy dressing. :)
And I don't believe that the results from that discussion are limited to just the three that you mention. You never know till you try. And then, deal with her response. I think you might regret not opening up to your wife. Give her a chance to know you. :)

[DawnRodgers]

I think know how you feel. My life was much the same. It was the hardest thing in the world to tell my wife. I too had been dressing for quite a while in secret as I was in sales and travelled a good deal. Started many times and couldn't finish telling about me. Finally came out to her and it was not received well. Didn't result in a divorce btu wasn't really accepted. She let me dress a few times but never really said anything , kind of put up with it and we played a game like Scrabble or cards. That was it. Seldom, if ever, dress in her presence again. She made it quite clear that she didn't understand. I would have been happy with any indication of how I looked - good or bad, some recognition of my feminine self. THe result was that I dressed when I travelled, wore panties under my clothes some of the time and it became a subject that was never talked about.

[april lynn]

set down and tell her now be fore she finds out. Sould have told her from the frist day it works better that way

[AKAMichelle]

set down and tell her now be fore she finds out. Sould have told her from the frist day it works better that way

Back in the old days there weren't much information available to tell what happens as you get older. When I began having sex the desires went away. I thought they had been just something that some people go through. I thought it was behind me so there was no reason to tell her.

I even had several affairs which she found out about trying to get rid of the desires. In the end I accepted who I was and continued crossdressing in private for the last 13 years. Our marriage improved because I no longer did the destructive things to our marriage. Except one: Hide my crossdressing and who I really was.

If I knew then what I know now, many things would be different. One my wife would know or I wouldn't have married her and I would have gone out on the town. To this day I still haven't done that, but am wanting to so bad.:D


I think know how you feel. My life was much the same. It was the hardest thing in the world to tell my wife. I too had been dressing for quite a while in secret as I was in sales and travelled a good deal. Started many times and couldn't finish telling about me. Finally came out to her and it was not received well. Didn't result in a divorce btu wasn't really accepted. She let me dress a few times but never really said anything , kind of put up with it and we played a game like Scrabble or cards. That was it. Seldom, if ever, dress in her presence again. She made it quite clear that she didn't understand. I would have been happy with any indication of how I looked - good or bad, some recognition of my feminine self. THe result was that I dressed when I travelled, wore panties under my clothes some of the time and it became a subject that was never talked about.

I think this is what scares me the most. I dream of just going to a movie and dinner with my wife en femme. Seems so simple, but it's not.

Some people claim that crossdressing is a gift. If it's such a gift why does it result in so much strife in our marriages / family / work / and everything else.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Michelle

You may want to read the link in my signature on telling your partner

It has a lot of great advice and was written by a genetic woman

It will not come as much of a shock as it could be as she has caught you before

Good luck :hugs:

[Andine]

If I may be so bold as to try to give some advice. ( for you to reject if it does not suit )

The reason that you feel so much stress is that you love your lady deeply.
The stress that you experience is most probably noticed by your good lady, and she is very likely adversely affected by this. On top of that she most likely does not know exactly what is causing it, and she may be thinking of worse things than what is the truth. For example, from her point of view you being Gay may be worse.

You need to assess how much she loves you and armed with that assesment you need to break the news to her gently, and re-affirm you love for her.

Depending on your circumstances, perhaps a holiday away from your home could provide a better environment for the denoument?
You have to try to see it from her point of view. You could start by quoting the event with the car as a starting point ... explain the silly things you did when nearly caught before. Make it fun if you can, and then tell her, and also re-affirm that you love her deeply, and that the reason that you are coming clean now is because you fear loosing her. The reason that you have not told her before is also the same, and you have been torn apart by the stress ( Tears here would be good )

So .... Assess the situation dispassionately
.... Plan a scenario, and actions to go with it.
.... Make bookings and arrangements
.... Do it and do it well!

All the trouble you go to will be proof that you care.

You could also seek advice from any of her friends who you feel would be understanding, but remember where loyalties lie and whom she ( or he ) will tell.

Have a think about it, and if you like please feel free to run it past me on PM ... more heads are better!

Regards

[Andine]

Shelley ! That is really good !

I fully agree with what your friend has written, and put so well.
The key to this is to understand how the lady feels, and to be genle and compassionate!

Regards

[yms]

Hi Michelle

You may want to read the link in my signature on telling your partner

It has a lot of great advice and was written by a genetic woman

It will not come as much of a shock as it could be as she has caught you before

Good luck :hugs:


Hi

I looked at the link you gave. The article is very good! I just wanted to stress the point that if a partner is initially accepting, it doesn't mean a crossdresser has carte blanch to proceed at full speed. I think this especially true where a family is involved. A woman may initially react out of a desire to keep peace in the family. Her true feelings will come out at a later time.

I just feel that how you behave in the days and weeks after telling her has a lot to do with her ultimate acceptance or rejection. I've heard stories of initial acceptance followed by a slammed door.

Yvonne :2c:

[nikki47]

Yvonne,
I tend to agree with you,my wifes the same she accepted it,then we had a family and we kind of left it in the background,even though i still dressed over the years on my own,we rarely mentioned it and it wasn't like it was in the early days when she used to help me buy clothes and make me up.
Anyway even last week i dressed up and made up,i felt uneasy even though she said i looked good,i think she was relieved when i'd finished.
So even though she accepts me as Nikki,i think she would prefer me without crossdressing.
But i know i'm so lucky to have her acceptance.

Nikki

[jill s]

I am in almost the same place you are except I came out to her 1-1/2 years ago. She wants nothing to do with it and I still have to dress alone. No matter how your wife takes it you will also change. Once it's out in the open you may find even new forms of guilt to punish yourself with or you maybe happier than you ever were. Or like me you my go through both extremes from day to day. Telling her or not is your decision but for me it got to the point that there really was no choice. I hope all turns out well for you.

[TGMarla]

First, I'd like to stress to you to not allow this forum to coerce you into doing something you're not comfortable doing. Unburdening yourself to your wife may have only the effect of placing your burdens on her. Then you'll both be stressed over it instead of just you. If your desire to tell her is driven by the fact that as a married couple, you don't like to keep secrets from her, then it is primarily you that has the problem, not her. Your telling everything to her may make you feel a little better, but it may bother her a great deal.

Here are some thoughts: first, after 25 years of marriage, hopefully your relationship is strong enough to survive an issue like crossdressing. Second, she knows, but is perhaps content to leave it at that, and concentrate on the things about you that she likes, instead of that nasty little secret. Since she knows, and obviously doesn't bring it up as a burning topic, she will likely never want you pursuing it in front of her, and also likely doesn't want it around her.

This is how it is with my wife. We have a good relationship, and we get along rather well. She knows I crossdress, but wants to leave it at that. She will not engage in this activity with me, and she will not lend her support to it, either. To her, it's wierd. I'm content to leave it at that, knowing her as I do. Your wife may well be the same way.

Ultimately, the choice to have this conversation with her is yours. But try to understand your situation and hers completely before you decide.

[brendaisagirl]

Only you know your wife and your relationship. I would not like to be kept in the dark with lies that come with the secrect, our relationship was diffrent and my DH knew that it would take a while and a lot of talking and me doing some thinking. Would I rather not have the CDing in my life, yes, would I end the relationship because of the CDing, no. Acceptance is not at 100% everyday, I try. I have to keep in mind that my feelings are mine, and come up most times because of MY ISSUES and have little or nothing to do with her/him.
And to be honest my DH due to her femme side is now a better partner, because she/he is more caring, affectionate, and just softer. We are closer now than before.
BUT the decision to tell your wife must be your own and please do not allow anyone to try and confence you that you must tell her.
Good Luck either way,
Brenda

[Charona]

I suppose one could try a session or two with some sort of trained counsellor. Those folks are supposed to be constrained by the doctor-patient confidentiality rules, so they shouldn't be telling others (court orders excepted). You could quite truthfully call it a doctor's appointment, or you could state you are having some stress in your life and you would like to talk to a disinterested party. At least some employers have some sort of company-paid counselling available. I don't know whether a marriage counsellor would be the appropriate choice - I think not - unless you are also having marital problems.

[Sandra]

A woman may initially react out of a desire to keep peace in the family. Her true feelings will come out at a later time.

Been there done that, but fortunatley we both sat talked and talked and worked it out.




I just feel that how you behave in the days and weeks after telling her has a lot to do with her ultimate acceptance or rejection. I've heard stories of initial acceptance followed by a slammed door.

Yvonne :2c:

Agree with this, as in my case Nigella just pushed to much about the cding. I didn't slam the door just shut it a little until we got things sorted, again by a lot of talking and listening to each other.

[Carrie f]

I'm not an expert on this subject and quite frankly there has already been some excellent advice offered. There has also been some not so good. Telling her before she finds out is not a good reason in itself. The risk is too great.

I know you're already aware of the potential risk and I can't imagine the frustration you feel. If you do proceed, keep in mind some common sense guidelines. If I may throw in my 2 cents worth for whatever use it might be to you,

- have a lot of information available, in print if need be
- plan how you're going to present your case
- anticipate different responses and have answers prepared
- you don't need to apologize or be ashamed, but don't pretend it's not outside the social norm.
- listen carefully and err on the side of caution.

I sincerely wish you success if you decide to proceed, Carrie.

[jackie_p]

Wow! I could have written this post...it is sooooooo similar to my current situation. I too want desparately to discuss this with my wife. I think that it would strengthen our relationship but I also know that she is an italian girl who still has a lot of old ideas. I also don't want to simply drag her in the closet with me as I could not be TOTALLY out at this point in my life. I'm currently biding my time and waiting for the right moment. I've waited this long, it can't hurt to wait a little more and make sure I get it right!

Whatever, you decide, good luck to you.

Cheers
Jackie


I have just started thinking back to my very first thoughts of crossdressing. ....

Last year I ended up buying myself a sports car for my birthday.



BTW: I just got one in November (sports car that is). I waited way too long to have my mid-life crisis. The wife does have some problems with it but I figure that I worked for it, and no one is going to cheat me out of it (mid-life crisis that is). LOL

[Christinedreamer]

As so many here can attest, being TG at any level can be stress inducing and at the same time a great stress reliever. My personal experience is multi facted with both the the cause of the stress and various methods and styles of relief. Growing up asa secret CD with two sisters was not easy but I found early on that I adored all the soft lingerie they were lucky enough to wear.

I was married to a very accepting GG many years ago. For our wedding night, I had bought her a most elegant floor length white nylon peignoir that was staggeringly feminine and beautiful. Once we "retired" I kept telling her how beautiful she was and how beautiful and soft the gown looked and felt on her.
After several minutes she looked at me and said "you want to wear this don't you?" I stammered "uh um yes" and that started our maried life with my being a lingerie CD. She also decided I should wear square dance dresses with petticoats and we even had matching outfits. As I am not at all passable we kept our play at home.

During many, many talks, I let her see a deeper me. The "me" that was compassionate and artistic and empathetic more so than the average male.

Over the years and since our divorce (un CD related) I have found that the femme side surfaces enough that I get lealous of those we see who can pass and who are at ease in the vanilla world in their dressing.

I have experienced a great deal of anxiety in job issues and have found that CDing, usually just around the house in a peignoir and panties, was soothing and quite deeply realaxing.

About 8 nyrs ago I befriended a GG who became a close friend and we moved in together. Soon after, she was stricken with a rare neurological disease that is debilitating and progressive. As the care giver stress level increased so did the anxiety about CDing as a release. My SO had no prblem with me dressing to whatever extent I wanted, so out comes the lingeire again.

After a couple years she noticed that I was not as relaxed after lounging for hours swathed in these nylon bits of heaven and was frequently edgy with her. We talked a lot and about early rememberances of girls and their clothes and my jealousy of them.

Soon she decied that it would help if I could experience my own "girlhood" and ordered some custom made little girl clothes for me. I had party dresses, panties petticoats pinafores and all the little tidbits.

She is so intuitive that she can read my feelings before they become "moods" and took me even further into a new childhood.

Sometimes when she senses I am really having a hard time dealing with all the issues surrounding being a care giver she decides that is is baby girl time with all the outfits and accessories.

So in my unusual little world I am allowed to use whatever level and age of "girldom" necessary to relieve my growing anxiety and stress to gently and safely move back into a more even tempered and considerate state of mind.

I know thw LG ?Ab aspect of CDing is not too common but for some of us enjoying the various stages of a girls'woman's" life can be a big help.

Sometimes when she is feeling stronger we even have playtimes at cvarious "ages". It never gets boring for sure.

[jamie55]

[QUOTE=AKAMichelle;1225347]
I even had several affairs which she found out about trying to get rid of the desires. In the end I accepted who I was and continued crossdressing in private for the last 13 years. Our marriage improved because I no longer did the destructive things to our marriage. Except one: Hide my crossdressing and who I really was.

HI Michelle: I don't usually respond to threads asking advice because I don't feel qualified as my situation is kinda screwed up too. You know (how can I help you if I can't even help me)? One thing jumped out at me here though. You've apparently been forgiven for past "affairs" which I personally feel are far worse than crossdressing. One thing to consider is this. If you wait to tell and get caught you are in damage control. When you come clean on your own at least you have some control over the situation and your so's attention and hopefully not too much anger to be able to process the information in a positive way.
I hope things work out for you.

[Nicole Erin]

I know from many of the threads that telling the wife has led to 3 primary different results.
1) Divorce
2) Don't Ask - Don't Tell
3) Acceptance

How do you prepare yourself for one of these 3 scenarios?

1) With divorce, those couples usually have a lot more problems than just CD. And even if it did go to that extreme, it doesn't happen overnight. She is not gong to run out the next day and file for divorce. Things lead up to a split, It may or may not be related to CD'ing

2) Don't ask... Some wives are like that. They know it happens but do not want to see it or hear about it. If that turns out to be your case, adjust your CD time and space accordingly.

3) Acceptance - I imagine this one is rare. Some talk like their wives have this wonderful fun knowing their man wears femme clothes, I think sometimes the stories are stretched.

You forgot -

4) Tolerance. That is when the wife knows it happens, would prefer it didn't but doesn't give the CD husband a hard time about things.
I imagine this is the case for most married CD's.

[AKAMichelle]

Wow! I could have written this post...it is sooooooo similar to my current situation. I too want desparately to discuss this with my wife. I think that it would strengthen our relationship but I also know that she is an italian girl who still has a lot of old ideas. I also don't want to simply drag her in the closet with me as I could not be TOTALLY out at this point in my life. I'm currently biding my time and waiting for the right moment. I've waited this long, it can't hurt to wait a little more and make sure I get it right!

Whatever, you decide, good luck to you.

Cheers
Jackie

My wife does have preconceived ideas about crossdressing. She comes from an Independent Fundamentalist Baptist family where her father is a church leader. That is about as strict as they come. :D

When I got caught years before, she talked with a relative about it and the relative said that to some men crossdressing is a fetish. I have corrected my wife, but she doesn't understand. I'm too scared to set the record straight.

Since she knows that I have done it before and I have told her that I have purged before, I feel like we are on that Don't Ask / Don't Tell stage. I feel so guilty because she is in therapy trying to feel better about herself and get over her guilt about different things and she doesn't know the truth about everything. Some of which she is in therapy for. :sad:

She has been sick for about 6 years and is finally getting the treatment she needs to get better. She was misdiagnosed 6 years ago with 3 terminal conditions. She only had one and it wasn't terminal at all. I feel like my telling might interfere somehow in her getting better.

The most confusing part is that just when I'm about to make the leap, she will see somebody and make fun of them. The other day I had to hear about a transsexual she say working in the store. I wanted to go back and give them some kind words, but I never could find them. My kids and wife made fun of them. These kinds of events are what's driving me crazy. I feel like her making fun of those people is what she will be doing to me soon as I tell her everything.

[ptp009]

I think first she knows a little more than you think and second I think you are at a point where all of us CD TG get to when we are ridden with Guilt for hidding it from the people we love. But you have to understand noting is just simply tell and accept or don't accept.

I think you first have to get her alone in an evening over a bottle of wine or beer if that's your taste and tell her you are a crossdresser, that you are not gay, that you have had this problem since a kid, that you have tried to give it up and no Doctor could help you, the only think left and hopefully you'll say it this way" I love you and I trust You and hope you will let me fully explain what I do and that in no way do I want to force you to accept or don't accept all I ask is for your continused love and understanding" and then tell your story.

All Crossdressers get to this point and I can tell you that some result in suicide, death by heart attack or divorce but the issue comes to an end so you have to chose, I chose to believe that the partner I married loves me enought to try to understand and set ground rules when you can dress where etc.

[AKAMichelle]

I think first she knows a little more than you think and second I think you are at a point where all of us CD TG get to when we are ridden with Guilt for hidding it from the people we love.

That's exactly the point. The guilt is one of the major issues. The other is that once I finish the explanation we will be at a fork in the road. That is the scariest since I can't read the tea leaves and see which way it goes from there.

Fear + Guilt = Stress :D