Curious to say the least

[Kate Simmons]

Many here know I've recently closed my closet door by retiring as Sal. There is no problem not dressing really because in my amalgamated state, I have that "glow" (and feeling of completeness)all of the time now. What I've found somewhat curious however, is how I am interacting with things and people now. It seems many of the problems and issues I encounter require my integrated talents and I have more of a satisfaction with dealing with them because nothing is ever "one sided" as from a guy or girl standpoint any more and it seems like a more well rounded approach as to how I do things.

This makes me wonder just how much of our own little corner of the world we do control every day without even realizing it perhaps and maybe how our mindset influences what we do and how we do it. In any case it seems like things are now geared to my combined feelings and the single feelings would no longer cut it. I don't know if that would be considered a growth step as a person or simply another way of perceiving things. Interesting to say the least. The adventure continues.:)

[Stargirl]

You haven't fallen into a rut. You are vital, and growing. Aware. So many people close off any opportunity to keep growing. The lucky ones recognise a rut, and say "Oh God. I can't stand it. Something's wrong." and they seek help. Not a psychiatrist, but perhaps they remember back when they were happy, silly, creative, and they want to recapture it. A stubborn refusal to conform to the cogwheels of society is a great asset. Society likes us to conform, and not make waves.

[Jazzmine]

Hi Sal
Good to see you're still "one" with yourself!
Do you think you might open the closet again in the future?

The reason why I ask is that many of our thoughts about "being a woman" occur around or in anticipation of getting dressed (again). I have noticed a gradual return to "male" thoughts the more I stay away from actually dressing.

It's part of the 'you become what you think about most of the time' syndrome/theory. It will be interesting to see how your thoughts progress over time!

Hugs Jazzmine

[Kate Simmons]

A lot depends on the family Jazzmine and how they will view me now. Initially, I didn't know why I even came out as sometimes we just feel things are right when we do them. Really getting in touch with my feelings and allowing myself to have them and experience them was a big deal for me and opened the way for me to move forward. I was kind of catapulted into the situation of being alone, so took advantage of it and got to experience more or less true freedom to be myself, mostly as my femme self because I was basically "her" about 14 hours a day when I wasn't working or getting ready and I even slept en femme.

As things progressed they gradually became status quo and eventually a normal routine as brushing my teeth or taking my shower and there eventually was no big deal about it, it just "was." What I noticed over time is that the feelings were becoming a natural part of myself and I no longer really had to change modes at all to be me. Ericka was a gal who was full of life and a real people person while Rich had always been kind of a stolid stick in the mud who basically kept to himself. I found myself becoming outgoing no matter how I presented and worked on capturing that to utilize all of the time. Thus began my quest for balance.

Don't think I took hanging up my wigs lightly, I pondered over this a great deal. What I realized, however, was that if I was ever going to know for sure if I could make it as myself (basically Rich), I would have to take a chance and make a go of it. I had had purges in the past but this time it was different, as it was totally my choice not to dress despite being surrounded by the stuff each and every day. I've had some problems with my plumbing lately in the house and some other personal problems to deal with which normally would have driven me right into dressing in the past for solace but it's not necessary now.

I think the difference is the fact that I had created the Salandra construct to work for me as it is the result of the integrated feelings and I can experience and express these feelings without any added props or equipment or particular action such as getting dressed up. I won't say I will never dress again but to give it an honest and fair test, this is something I need to prove to myself, much like I had to originally prove to myself I could be "feminine", it's just who I am.:)

[jessielee]

You haven't fallen into a rut. You are vital, and growing. Aware.

dear Sal,
thank you for your response to my post in the 24/7 thread which ties to this.
what Starry says is what i meant by "you can't retire, you are" but i believe you know what i meant. Sal is/was a construct - should we still call you that, please? integration is fulfilment.
now, you have done it all, short of SRS. after considering all your 24/7 thread brought to my consciousness, i lamented, what then is there if only fantasy vs. the road i dare not tread remains? in this small town, i could never go out except late at night (no muggers, only moose) or up a hillside overlooking the valley or in the woods, or maybe Idaho Falls if not for family. where do i go from here?
you are right. the ball is in our courts. we are who we are.
no SRS.
girl trapped in guys body.
still growing, still aspiring, still expressing.
each day. i am still the girl i am.
was blue last night so chatted with dear Deja and another sister gave me such a good hug this morning. i am such a chicken, but not so fragile as to be immobilized, like a deer in the headlights. being jessie is bringing up core being challenges and opportunities for which i am very grateful.
it is humbling. i feel like the younger sister to this dear one i look up to who is chronologically younger than i am.
you are right. we are controlling and creating so much.
i am so thrilled to be a part of it all today! and much less blue.
and growing younger and full of potential each new day.
i am who i am, and, being jessie,
recognizing i have always been this girl,
is the way before me now,
stretching ever upward.
thank you for the light along the way
and such heartfelt conversation along the trail.
thank you for continuing with us.
love,
ever so much,
jessi

[Kate Simmons]

The biggest difference Jessie is being able to use these feelings of ours as a resource and as an advantage rather than being "taken for a ride" by them. It's so easy and fulfilling and satisfying to ride this wave but it can very quickly develop into a tsunami if we let it. I know the results of that all too well. We cannot stop a natural process. We can, however, learn to predict and prepare and implement adequate fortifications. If what we have built is secure, it won't get easily washed away and will be fireproof to the extent that when all the facades are burned away, it will remain solid and unshakable and reliable.

Who we are is really determined by what is in our heart, not what we wear or what we look like and that is the basis of my feelings for others, whether they choose to look like a guy, girl or monkey. This is my personal quest, though, and I realize everyone has to do what is best for them. It is what I need to do at this time and Salandra stays no matter what.:)

[Jazzmine]

You are a bold warrior Salandra!

To continue on your quest beyond dressing is indeed fascinating and commendable. I know what you mean about feeling "one" with/without the clothes. Over time I noticed I have begun to express myself as a male in ways I would never have dreamed of when much younger.

And I am not referring to "girly" expression(s) either. Just human emotions I am now confident of expressing because it's the truth or because I discovered them in me and I want to be the whole person - not a card board cut-out belching out cliches.

Through my attempts to be female (not just feminine) I discovered things about myself that enriched my life. More honesty, deeper thinking, more appreciation of life, better verbal and written expression. It happened because in searching for answers I had to dig deep and not hide or twist anything. It was like a purging of all the crap and deception to get to what was really going on. I now feel more in touch and confident about myself than ever before, and this is directly attributable to allowing my female expression to emerge.

So in many ways when I dress it is almost a tribute to that journey to the real me. Like you, I do not "have" to dress to be me. But it still gives me an energy I don't get in drab - maybe that will change in time too? And I admit getting dressed up still gives me an erotic feeling I don't get in drab!

I always look forward to your insights Salandra, you have a special gift for putting interesting challenges in front of us!

Big thanks & hugs
Jazzmine :hugs:

[Kate Simmons]

It all goes back to "simply being" Jazzmine. Simply being what? Why yourself of course. It is the sweet unadulterated essense of self that makes us who we are and as you say it's not necessarily "male" or "female" in itself, It's the "aha" moment when we actually capture that and recognize it that makes life worth living because otherwise, we are just plodding along going through the motions.

I can be dressed as Sal but it does very little for me unless I do something with that and demonstrate part of myself, otherwise I'm an over rated fashion plate. Where's the life, where's the passion? Unless it is evident, like you say, I may as well be a paper doll.

Never underestimate the value of crossdressing. It was the vehicle I used to bring out and express feelings that were a real part of myself but feelings I fought against and denied mostly all of my life. It was an irrational fear I had to conquer if I was ever going to get anywhere as a real person. I fought the crusade, I slayed the dragons, I dispatched those things that were despoiling the "holy place" which was my true self and the prize was self empowerment. Free to be myself at last. It's not for everyone but for myself, it was well worth the effort.:)