Told the babe

[Shiny]

Yup, after all this time I just finally told my dear, the love of my life that I am a cross dresser! What a ****ing explosion!!! I should have guessed or known what would happen. I have read so, so many stories on here where it was the end of the road for 90% of relationships with women. Why should I be different. A few of you lucky guys are okay, but the rest of us? Guess we better get a whole lot better at dressing because we'll be playing both parts for quite some time to come!

I didn't lay it all on her at once though, passed it off like a coward like a couple parties or Halloween deals. You know? But, she stuck with me!!!!! Thinks it's weird but so far, she's hanging in, doesn't like it but she's still there! I just hate pulling her into this, I love her so and now she knows the real me! Shit! You know?

Please let me know what to do now!!

Thanks!

[docrobbysherry]

I'm meeting a lady overseas this summer. They r more intolerant of sexual deviation than we r here! Hope someone here has some good ideas!

[Genifer Teal]

What did you say to her? How did you bring it up? How did you explain it? I hope I am not prying too much. I am wondering if how you said it could have influenced her feelings.

Gen

[jazmine]

Well. I guess it could have been worse, ....could have been better. All you can do now is hang low for a bit. Just act the way you were towards her, before you told her about your crossdressing. Things will present themselves as time goes on. Just give her some time to take it in, and work it out in her head. When I told my girl (while we were still dating), she was cool with it. The next day she cried, Then she SLOWLY came around. Now she see's one person, not two seperate people.

[Melinda G]

Well, since you asked for advice, here it is. Do not make a big deal out of it. Just tell her you were curious about it, and wanted to try it. Don't tell her you've been doing it for years and it's a big part of your life! Make like it was just normal curiosity, and no big deal. Most women don't understand what we do, and don't know how to cope with it. They see it as some kind of competition, they don't know how to compete with. And many people still think it is a gay thing, no matter how much you may protest to the contrary. Don't show her this site, and try to "educate" her. Just let the whole thing pass!
Ignore the posters in here who say their SOs are OK with it! No offense to them. But they are few and far between. This board is littered with broken marriages and relationships, because some of us feel the need to "come out" to their SOs, or family, and are soon sorry for it. Most women want a real man, and crossdressing detracts from that image, no matter how you spin it.

["Mary"]

I have (am still) laying this out gradually.

[Jodianne]

Well, since you asked for advice, here it is. Do not make a big deal out of it. Just tell her you were curious about it, and wanted to try it. Don't tell her you've been doing it for years and it's a big part of your life! Make like it was just normal curiosity, and no big deal. Most women don't understand what we do, and don't know how to cope with it. They see it as some kind of competition, they don't know how to compete with. And many people still think it is a gay thing, no matter how much you may protest to the contrary. Don't show her this site, and try to "educate" her. Just let the whole thing pass!
Ignore the posters in here who say their SOs are OK with it! No offense to them. But they are few and far between. This board is littered with broken marriages and relationships, because some of us feel the need to "come out" to their SOs, or family, and are soon sorry for it. Most women want a real man, and crossdressing detracts from that image, no matter how you spin it.

FFS Melinda G, you obviously prefer to live a lie with your SO or perhaps choose not to have a partner at all. Would you really rather continue to dress in secret forever, always waiting for when your SO is going out and leaving you to the house alone? Do you want to have hide your femme stuff forever for fear of being caught?

As a wife of a CDer who dresses pretty much 24/7 now I'll admit I do have some issues and reservations with it all but definately respect that he trusted me enough to tell me, trusts me enough to discuss all aspects of CDing with me and continues to try and keep our family together. I would hate to be living the lie any longer - and so would my DH.

I have to say if it wasn't for this site, I'd probably be in the midst of a divorce right now. The amount of knowledge I've gained and the support I've received, as well as that of my DH has helped to get us through this and hopefully will continue to help us keep our family together.


Shiny, you did the right thing in telling her. She probably is more angry that she didn't know before now and perhaps a little embarrassed and worried about what people will think. Society sucks I know. Give her time, listen to her, answer her questions honestly and in time she will soften and listen to you too. Remember, you've known about your CDing for a lot longer than she has so she needs to adjust and realise there are many other CD's and SO's of CD's out there - more to give her that sense of normalcy or acceptance back that she probably feels has been ripped out from under her right now.... No offence but it can be a scarey thing for us gg's to find out that our hubbies are more than we thought!!

[deja true]

Ah shiny, congratulations on your bravery.

I'm sure this has been the toughest thing you have ever done. And you're still alive. And your wife is still at home, right? That's a good sign, I think.

Does she really love you? If you're sure of that, then I think your chances are good if you can convince her that the lying is finished. And the only way to do that is really stop the lying.

I think jazmine is right. As long as she's still there, as long as she's still talking to you, don't push it. Just let her know you're always ready to talk it out. When she's ready. That's where we can help later. You know many calm and sympathetic people here, among us and the GGs. Bring her here eventually, if she'll come.

But, at the end of the day, it's your call. You're wounded. She's critically wounded.

Our love to you both. And always..

respect & love,

deja

[SandyR]

Shiny,

Sorry hun. She still haning in there, thats something!

I wish you the best.

Hugs!

SandyR

[Holly]

...it can be a scarey thing for us gg's to find out that our hubbies are more than we thought!!What a delightful and positive way to put it! Shiny, the secret is out now. You've done the right thing. Now watch and observe her reaction and take your cues on how to proceed from her. Nothing is ever so broke that it can't be fixed IF both parties are willing to work at it. Be honest and forthrigth with your SO. There is no reason either of you have to live in fear; her wondering what else is lurking out there in your relationship and you of being discovered. There's a better way to live and you've started down the right path... keep it up.

[Damiana]

Bravo Shiny! Its takes alot of courage to do that!

[paulaN]

Well you did the right thing by telling her. The next step is up to her. If that step is never taken by her, then you will most likely end up in a don't ask don't tell arangment. That's where I'm at and have been for years. It's not that bad. I wish it was better but, hell it could be worse.

[Seville]

Yup, after all this time I just finally told my dear, the love of my life that I am a cross dresser! What a ****ing explosion!!!...But, she stuck with me!!!!! Thinks it's weird but so far, she's hanging in, doesn't like it but she's still there!...
Thanks!

I think that she stuck with you is great!!! :thumbsup:

After the initial shock wears off, I hope that she become tolerant, if not accepting, of Shiny.

[Stormgirl]

Stuck with you huh? Remember,it's not "babe," it's "tango." She is a tango. I hope she is understanding and that you both work things out.

[Dalece]

I know how you feel going thru that right now. You have to read my post on SO knows. But things are quiet know and I still dress.

[AKAMichelle]

I have been trying to figure out how to tell my wife the rest of the story about me. She knows that I have been a crossdresser. She caught me in her dress one time. Pretty obvious standing front and center in her dress.

I have been married for almost 25 years and at this point I would rather be single than hide this from my wife much longer. The hiding / the dishonesty is beginning to take a toll on me.

It seems bad now, but ask yourself do you want to live another 5 years hiding things from your SO. No matter what happens. How bad it gets. It will still be better in the long run than hiding your true self from her.

Good Luck to you. Let us know how it turns out.

[marny]

Not sure. maybe i am sensitive,but I think calling her 'the babe' offensive :Angry3:. On the other hand I wouldn't mind being called 'babe'. :daydreaming:

[Melinda G]

FFS Melinda G, you obviously prefer to live a lie with your SO or perhaps choose not to have a partner at all. Would you really rather continue to dress in secret forever, always waiting for when your SO is going out and leaving you to the house alone? Do you want to have hide your femme stuff forever for fear of being caught?

As a wife of a CDer who dresses pretty much 24/7 now I'll admit I do have some issues and reservations with it all but definately respect that he trusted me enough to tell me, trusts me enough to discuss all aspects of CDing with me and continues to try and keep our family together. I would hate to be living the lie any longer - and so would my DH.

I have to say if it wasn't for this site, I'd probably be in the midst of a divorce right now. The amount of knowledge I've gained and the support I've received, as well as that of my DH has helped to get us through this and hopefully will continue to help us keep our family together.


Shiny, you did the right thing in telling her. She probably is more angry that she didn't know before now and perhaps a little embarrassed and worried about what people will think. Society sucks I know. Give her time, listen to her, answer her questions honestly and in time she will soften and listen to you too. Remember, you've known about your CDing for a lot longer than she has so she needs to adjust and realise there are many other CD's and SO's of CD's out there - more to give her that sense of normalcy or acceptance back that she probably feels has been ripped out from under her right now.... No offence but it can be a scarey thing for us gg's to find out that our hubbies are more than we thought!!

With all due respect, this is fine for you. But I think you are the exception to the rule. I stand by what I said. This board is littered with broken relationships and divorces, due to CDing, and unaccepting SOs.

[heatherlovesstacey]

Not every GG is accepting, true, but we're out there!!! This site proves it! I'm a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason" and if it's meant to be, she'll stick it out. You don't want to lose her, of course, so be honest with her. I had - and still have - a lot of questions for my CDing boyfriend, but he just calmly answers all of them. It makes me feel better. And so does this site. It helps GGs to see how many CDers - and their GGs - are out there. I'd encourage her to check it out. Your GG support group is here for you! And for her.

[chipster block]

Thanks for the insight on this subject. I am an SO of a CD'r that told me about 9 months into our very serious relationship. I love him with all my heart but I was very shocked and saddened to hear of his lifetime frustration of never being able to be who he REALLY is. As much as I love him, I am not at all attracted to the dressed side of him, tho I do enjoy his femme qualities. So as you see I am learning all I can with web sites and books in hopes that I can get passed the discomfort and live the positive side of it. Any advice ggs?
Chip:

[secretlypsycho]

As the wife of a crossdresser who DID have the respect and consideration for me to tell me his "secret" before we were married, I totally believe you have done the right thing :thumbsup:. She deserves to know and you deserve for her to know and to be able to live without such a huge secret hanging over your head.


Please let me know what to do now!!

Take it slow, don't suddenly think that because she knows, it's free reign to do whatever you want whenever you want. Don't assume that because she knows, she necessarily wants to see you dressed just yet. She will probably need some time to get her head around all of this! I know I sure did - it was completely foreign to me, I had NO idea what it was all about.... but he let me go at my pace, let me set boundaries that I was comfortable, which have gradually changed over time as I became more & more okay with it all.... and because of his care & consideration for me & my feelings, the vulnerability he showed in sharing this with me, I was more inclined to WANT to accept this new information :)


Well, since you asked for advice, here it is. Do not make a big deal out of it. Just tell her you were curious about it, and wanted to try it. Don't tell her you've been doing it for years and it's a big part of your life! Make like it was just normal curiosity, and no big deal. Most women don't understand what we do, and don't know how to cope with it. They see it as some kind of competition, they don't know how to compete with. And many people still think it is a gay thing, no matter how much you may protest to the contrary. Don't show her this site, and try to "educate" her. Just let the whole thing pass!
Ignore the posters in here who say their SOs are OK with it! No offense to them. But they are few and far between. This board is littered with broken marriages and relationships, because some of us feel the need to "come out" to their SOs, or family, and are soon sorry for it. Most women want a real man, and crossdressing detracts from that image, no matter how you spin it.

That is seriously one of the most ridiculous pieces of "advice" I've seen on here. There is nothing right in any way with lying & backtracking and hiding this from her if you want this relationship to go anywhere. That would not show any respect or consideration from her, it is incredibly selfish and abhorrent. If there is a future in the relationship, she will try to get her head around it all and be as okay with it as she can. If she chooses to leave over it, then it wasn't meant to be. There is no room in a marriage (or similar relationship) for deceit, lies and hiding a huge part of who you are - it is wrong in so many ways, and not fair to either partner. Telling her puts the ball in her court and lets her CHOOSE whether this is something she wants in her life.

And for the record, I have not ever seen my husband's crossdressing as a threat, as competition, or as anything that detracts from the man that he is.


Shiny, this is for you :love:

[Sheila]

I have read so, so many stories on here where it was the end of the road for 90% of relationships with women.
I didn't lay it all on her at once though, passed it off like a coward like a couple parties or Halloween deals. You know? But, she stuck with me!!!!! Thinks it's weird but so far, she's hanging in, doesn't like it but she's still there! I just hate pulling her into this, I love her so and now she knows the real me! Shit! You know? Please let me know what to do now!!
Thanks!
Stories yup, some of them but they don't always tell the FULL story, I have always said cding can be a big hook to hang ALL your relationship problems on, if you let it be, I am sure that some relationships have been destroyed by cding, but many have remained intact, some SO's are more accepting than others, but it need not be the end of your relationship, take it slow and don't let the dreaded pink fog take over.............. remember you have had years to know what your SO has just found out, give her time, and love and who knows you may just be another survival statistic:)

Just tell her you were curious about it, and wanted to try it. Don't tell her you've been doing it for years and it's a big part of your life! Make like it was just normal curiosity, and no big deal.
And don't lie about anything she asks ..... it will not help and trust me she will know you are lying .........LIes destroy, Love nurishes ..............
Most women don't understand what we do,
He** most CDR's don't understand why you do it, just because we do not understand does not mean we cannot empathize with your dilemmas and worries and fears:)
and don't know how to cope with it.
But some of us are willing to educate ourselves, dosen't mean we are willing to participate but it does mean we will not always throw thw "BABE" out with the bath water :D
They see it as some kind of competition, they don't know how to compete with.
soz and here I am gonna be brutally honest .............. it is you who see it as a competition, not us ............ hell we are streaks ahead from day one :)
Don't show her this site, and try to "educate" her. Just let the whole thing pass!
Do show her this site, but only if she wants to see it ............... heck my relationship would have been dead and buried if it had nort been for A) my need to know B) sites like this where I could come and learn, ............ the peps cdr's, and their SO's have been invaluable in giving me a safe haven to come and learn, and share my worries, they have had the patience of saints with me

Ignore the posters in here who say their SOs are OK with it! No offense to them. But they are few and far between. This board is littered with broken marriages and relationships, because some of us feel the need to "come out" to their SOs, or family, and are soon sorry for it.and theirin I think lies thefull story, ..... some of us feel the need to "come out" to their SOs, or family, and are soon sorry for it, notice the difference .......... US and, then the quick change to their Most women want a real man, and crossdressing detracts from that image, no matter how you spin it.yes sometimes it does, but there again sometimes it ADDS to the image :D, ........it depends on the people involved their is no one size fits all



Be honest and forthrigth with your SO[/COLOR]. There is no reason either of you have to live in fear; her wondering what else is lurking out there in your relationship and you of being discovered. There's a better way to live and you've started down the right path... keep it up.

Wise words from a wise Lady:D



With all due respect, this is fine for you. But I think you are the exception to the rule. I stand by what I said. This board is littered with broken relationships and divorces, due to CDing, and unaccepting SOs.

I am sorry if you have been hurt so badly that you feel the need to tarnish all us GG's with the same brush, some of us do hang in there, some of us fall by the wayside, and some of us actually learn and move on with our partner ............. note I said partner NOTcding partner, it does not mean it is an easy road, but that goes for both of us not just me as the SO

Shiny, be gentle with both of you, take baby steps and occasionally hang fire if neeeds be, wishing you both well

:hugs:Jess

[scott76]

you should make the most of her. she wasnt scared or weirded off. She likes you, so dont argue. thank the gods and stay with her.

[Carly D.]

I think, and you didn't say how long you crossdressed (like from childhood as most crossdressers start from), that if you were to set her down and tell her that this is who you are and that you have been this way for quite some time now and that really the way that she knows or knew you from before is the way you are now.. I mean for me, I'm in the closet, and I keep thinking that if or when I get found out about that I will say that I have dressed this way off and on (more on than off) since I was a little guy.. and that the way you know me or knew me before finding out that I crossdress is the way that I have always been, it's just that now you know a little more about me than you did just a short time ago..

[Sandra]

Well, since you asked for advice, here it is. Do not make a big deal out of it. Just tell her you were curious about it, and wanted to try it. Don't tell her you've been doing it for years and it's a big part of your life! Make like it was just normal curiosity, and no big deal.

Yet again lie, lie, lie. Seems thats all some people want to do.



Most women don't understand what we do, and don't know how to cope with it.

And most cders don't understand it, so how the hell are the SOs supposed to understand/cope?




They see it as some kind of competition, they don't know how to compete with.

:rolleyes:
Twaddle,


And many people still think it is a gay thing

Hey we agree on sommat, and most who have SO's believe them when they say "no I am not gay"



Don't show her this site, and try to "educate" her. Just let the whole thing pass!

Why not show her this site? or is that so she's kept in the dark? and why just let it pass? :Angry3:


Shiny

Some relationships do break up because of the cding, but for some there is more than the cding that is causing the problem.

Take it slow with her and if she asks tell her be honest with her, don't lie lies can cause a lot of hurt and heartache. Be prepared for the questions which will come and the worries and possible anger.

Most of all communicate, listen to what she has to say and ask her to listen to you as well.

I hope it goes ok for you both. :hugs:

[Maria2004]

I have been married for almost 25 years and at this point I would rather be single than hide this from my wife much longer. The hiding / the dishonesty is beginning to take a toll on me.

Yes, that's where I was 4 years ago, I was miserable and my wife couldn't understand why I was becoming such an insufferable *******. My last child was finally in college so I resigned myself to ending 20 years of marriage and made living arrangements back in Florida. When I outed myself, kaboom, as expected but I told her she didn't have to worry about I was leaving anyway, at least now you know.

I was surprised when she came to me later and wanted to talk and be "completely honest!" and I'm like OMG woman you don't know how Much I want to be honest about this. After the first 2 expected question were out of the way she wanted to know "why"? all I could tell her was I had no friggin' clue what so ever. I told her about Tri-Ess and we got on the phone and spoke with one of the outreach people, and went to meetings which was a tremendous help for her.

Today, though she isn't "accepting" she's gives me all the support and respect I could ever want, I have a lot of freedom to express myself, but she still has her boundries that I honor.

Keep it honest Shiny with her and yourself. Things didn't work out for me because I was lucky, it was because I was "loved"

[DemonicDaughter]

Let me just say, congrats for being honest with yourself and your SO. It is often difficult to confess anything to the person we care for when we are uncertain of how they will react. I commend you. :)

And its obvious from some posts on this thread that it can lead to bitterness on both sides of the relationship.

And I'm HIGHLY insulted that ANYONE would even CONSIDER making the statement that CDers are not "real men"!!! My SO IS a real man, man enough to tell me the truth, man enough to be who he really is and man enough to look DAMN FINE in a skirt!!!

[Di]

Best wishes to you both....just wanted to add from my POV.....tell her the truth from here on out. Any questions...give her the truth. From most the S.O.'s that I know personally...that found out yrs into a marraige....it was the lies that they had a hard time getting over.Of course there are some that can't get their head around it .....but I think it is for the most part it is feeling betrayed. Remind her you are the same person that she loves nothing has changed and that you are sorry you did not share the complete you with her...but you were scared.

[Emily Ann Brown]

As one of the "broken marriages" around here I can't stay quiet.



Yep, a WHOLE LOT of broken marriages in this group, and most of them wouldn't have been married (so they could get divorced ) if they had been truthful before starting the marriage. Honesty is the best policy. How many of us would be thrilled to discover our wives had all our marriage attended weekly lunchtime poker games dressed as burly men with mustaches and spent a bunch of the household budget on gambling losses???? I'll shut my yap here before I explode worse than our brave sister's wife.

Hun, you did the right thing for you, and for her probably. She is still with you so now go slow and let her realize what she has at her pace. Don't expect overnight miracles of healing....see the future from a longer perspective than tomorrow. I for one am praying for you.


Emily Ann

[TrueGemini'sWife GG]

With all due respect, this is fine for you. But I think you are the exception to the rule. I stand by what I said. This board is littered with broken relationships and divorces, due to CDing, and unaccepting SOs.
I am sorry, but this is just plain BS..

The thing that killed these relationships were probably NOT because of the dressing, but the LYING. The deceit...
That is what kills the relationship. The break down in trust.
The betrayal GG's and SO's feel when the "truth" comes out waaaaay too late.
5-10-15-25 years with someone and all of a sudden they get "your truth" dumped in their lap and realize... They don't even know who you really are. Who they have shared a bed with all these years.
Some have even called it "fraud" and though I understand the reasons some CD/TG/TS lie, but those SO's have a valid point also..
How can they know you if you have hidden so much of yourselves form them, for so long?

I am sorry, but we SO's should not have to take the responsibility for your lies or lack of courage.

[MJ]

I am sorry, but this is just plain BS..

The thing that killed these relationships were probably NOT because of the dressing, but the LYING. The deceit...
That is what kills the relationship. The break down in trust.
The betrayal GG's and SO's feel when the "truth" comes out waaaaay too late.
5-10-15-25 years with someone and all of a sudden they get "your truth" dumped in their lap and realize... They don't even know who you really are. Who they have shared a bed with all these years.
Some have even called it "fraud" and though I understand the reasons some CD/TG/TS lie, but those SO's have a valid point also..
How can they know you if you have hidden so much of yourselves form them, for so long?

I am sorry, but we SO's should not have to take the responsibility for your lies or lack of courage.

As yet another one of the "broken marriages" from around here :-
TrueGemini'sWife ,
tells it the way it is . yes i loved my wife with all my heart but my fear and thinking that i can handle or stop this cding stop me from being honest and truthful with her . after she found out **Kaboom** 21 years of marriage over .
For her it was 21 years of living a lie .. is it any wonder the ones we love lose it !!..
and still some Members would say LIE ,LIE LIE, i have learned a heart breaking lesion , be the man and tell her the total truth Don't lie . LOVE should be build on honesty and truthfulness if it is going to last .. boy did i learn my lesion .
come clean with your "babe" be honest save yourself ..or pay the ultimate price .. don't lie

[Tamara Croft]

With all due respect, this is fine for you. But I think you are the exception to the rule. I stand by what I said. This board is littered with broken relationships and divorces, due to CDing, and unaccepting SOs.With all due respect? Do you have any idea how many GG's are on this board and how many of them are 100% accepting, even looked for a CD partner specifically? No? Obviously not, or you wouldn't make such stupid sweeping statements like this. There are over 150 GG's on this board, so stating one GG is the exception to the rule is :BS:

Some days, it's easier just to ignore stupid comments like this, other days, it's just as easy to :brolleyes: and let you know just what I think of it!!!

:Pfft:

Shiny, you did the right thing, my advice, keep communication open, don't force too much down her throat in one go, but most of all, DON'T LIE! Tell her the truth, because you've started telling her now, if you leave stuff out and she finds out, trust me, it will cause more harm than good.

Oh, one more thing, take no notice of Melinda G, she has no clue what she's talking about...

[Tree GG]

....I didn't lay it all on her at once though, passed it off like a coward like a couple parties or Halloween deals. You know? But, she stuck with me!!!!! Thinks it's weird but so far, she's hanging in, doesn't like it but she's still there! I just hate pulling her into this, I love her so and now she knows the real me! ...

This drives me nucking futs! You white-washed it...you lied by omission....you were not completely truthful. Do you really intend to only dress at Halloween & costume parties? DO NOT start this process by feeding her as little and diluted a story as you think you can. You are just creating a smoldering volcano.

I applaud you efforts, and think you should tell your wife. But please don't tell her it's just for fun.....when it's going to be much more than that.

[tracigirl_tv]

TrueGemini'sWife , tells it the way it is . yes i loved my wife with all my heart but my fear and thinking that i can handle or stop this cding stop me from being honest and truthful with her . after she found out **Kaboom** 21 years of marriage over .
For her it was 21 years of living a lie .. is it any wonder the ones we love lose it !!.......<snip>... boy did i learn my lesion .
come clean with your "babe" be honest save yourself ..or pay the ultimate price .. don't lie

Shiny, in the long run you will not regret being honest now, regardless of the consequences. Like several in this thread, I hid my CDing for years of marriage. With the inevitable revelation came the almost-inevitable breakup. New relationship, new policy: honesty upfront.

Wishing you and your SO happiness and understanding of each other....

Traci

[Melinda G]

With all due respect? Do you have any idea how many GG's are on this board and how many of them are 100% accepting, even looked for a CD partner specifically? No? Obviously not, or you wouldn't make such stupid sweeping statements like this. There are over 150 GG's on this board, so stating one GG is the exception to the rule is

Some days, it's easier just to ignore stupid comments like this, other days, it's just as easy to and let you know just what I think of it!!!



Shiny, you did the right thing, my advice, keep communication open, don't force too much down her throat in one go, but most of all, DON'T LIE! Tell her the truth, because you've started telling her now, if you leave stuff out and she finds out, trust me, it will cause more harm than good.

Oh, one more thing, take no notice of Melinda G, she has no clue what she's talking about...
__________________


OK girls. Where are the hundreds of posters, who have posted in here, that they were asked to move out, after they came out. Where are all the girls who posted heart wrenching posts about their divorces, after they came out. It's strangely quiet from the other side. Cat got yer tongues? :Angry3:

[racquel]

Now that you have been honest(great),now is the time to listen and show her some of the feminine qualities you possess.Do the dishes,laundry,cleaning,cooking.Show her you ache to assume these feminine roles as it satisfies your inner feminity.Most women do not mind sharing this aspect of homelife.:2c:

[DemonicDaughter]

OK girls. Where are the hundreds of posters, who have posted in here, that they were asked to move out, after they came out. Where are all the girls who posted heart wrenching posts about their divorces, after they came out. It's strangely quiet from the other side. Cat got yer tongues? :Angry3:

Maybe because many understand that it had to do a lot more with the lying than the CDing. Or maybe there were other problems involved and the CDing was the final straw to a long list of limitations reached. I haven't seen anyone post where they said their relationship was perfect, they came out and POOF! The relationship was over!

But to make such a broad statement is why anyone is getting upset. Its one thing to offer your personal point of view, but when you state things as if its true for all... well that's just asking to be flamed.

[Shelly Preston]

Well, since you asked for advice, here it is. Do not make a big deal out of it. Just tell her you were curious about it, and wanted to try it. Don't tell her you've been doing it for years and it's a big part of your life! Make like it was just normal curiosity, and no big deal. Most women don't understand what we do, and don't know how to cope with it.

:OMG: well Shiny's wife wont get the chance following your advice
Most CD's Cant tell you why they dress so how can a wife understand the reason


They see it as some kind of competition, they don't know how to compete with. And many people still think it is a gay thing, no matter how much you may protest to the contrary. Don't show her this site, and try to "educate" her. Just let the whole thing pass!
If you dont educate how the *** is she supposed to understand :angry:


Ignore the posters in here who say their SOs are OK with it! No offense to them. But they are few and far between. This board is littered with broken marriages and relationships, because some of us feel the need to "come out" to their SOs, or family, and are soon sorry for it. Most women want a real man, and crossdressing detracts from that image, no matter how you spin it.

We are not asking most women
Shiny's concern is her wife not everyone else

Melinda Most of us here have lied at sometime or another
but we realised just how destructive that can be



There is a famous quote

Lies, Damn Lies and Statistics

If you follow the first two you will become another unfortunate Statistic

[valhalla]

I think that you did the right thing by telling your wife about your cding. If you follow the advice of Melinda you relationship is guaranteed to be hollow. That empty relationship may work for a while. But eventually it will fall apart because you’ll grow apart. I’m glad that my DH gave us a chance to have a truly close relationship. I’ve had some experience with empty relationships and I’ve realized that I can’t ever do that again. I just not built that way. I want a deep love. I sick of living on candy I want something that will feed my soul.

[Amy Hepker]

She will stay until she finds out what it is all about, then it can go either way.

[Genifer Teal]

I have not ever seen my husband's crossdressing as . . . anything that detracts from the man that he is.


You are making a seemingly innocent statement. Be careful. What he thinks matters more than what you think. I can't begine to guess his situation and how he feels about dressing. He may like detracting from the man he is - sometimes.

This statement, if directed at me would be bothersome. My last GF made a similar remark which made it very clear she saw this as nothing more than a fashion statement. Great for not minding it one bit. It showed how little she understood me. She had not idea how how much more this means to me. To hear my GF say I wasn't girly was the worst put down I could imagine. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

Gen

[Melinda G]

At the risk of beating a dead horse here, we are only hearing from the GGs who are somewhat accepting, and are in here to find out more about it, or support an SO. We are not hearing from the overwhelming majority of GGs, who want no part of it, aren't accepting, and are planning or are already divorced.
Anyone who has been in here a few years, knows that for every wife or SO who is accepting, a dozen are not!
And I doubt there is a GG in here, that isn't keeping a few secrets of her own.

[DemonicDaughter]

At the risk of beating a dead horse here, we are only hearing from the GGs who are somewhat accepting, and are in here to find out more about it, or support an SO. We are not hearing from the overwhelming majority of GGs, who want no part of it, aren't accepting, and are planning or are already divorced.
Anyone who has been in here a few years, knows that for every wife or SO who is accepting, a dozen are not!
And I doubt there is a GG in here, that isn't keeping a few secrets of her own.

Aren't you the gloomy gus! Geez! You'd think you'd be happy to have so many of us supporting CDing! But no! You want to hear the pain and heartache to echo your own instead of having sharing in any joy or triumph! Well... as they say, every party has a pooper...

[docrobbysherry]

I learned a lot from EVERYONE posting here. I think the best thing for me, is NOT to mention CDing to my Russian GF this summer. I won't be doing any CDing there anyway.

On the other hand, I WILL mention CDing if I decided to invite her to visit me over here!

[Miss Petra]

With all due respect, this is fine for you. But I think you are the exception to the rule. I stand by what I said. This board is littered with broken relationships and divorces, due to CDing, and unaccepting SOs.

I respectfully disagree with your above statement. Rarely does a relationship end just cuz of cding. Yes it may be the final straw but usually not the only reason of a relationship failing. What I have seen over the two years in this forum is the CD's tendency to be self-centered and a feeling of entitlement and not being considerate of the other partners feelings seems to be the main issue here and not the fact we wear dresses.

And outright lying to anyone you care about shows them you have no respect for them when the lie finally surfaces there is hell to pay. The exception is staying in the closet for the benefit of the family Is a very noble and very unselfish act.

Hugz,

Miss Petra

[Tamara Croft]

At the risk of beating a dead horse here.Yes you are, why can't drop it already?


we are only hearing from the GGs who are somewhat accepting, and are in here to find out more about it, or support an SO.Somewhat accepting? what? are you kidding me? Shows how much YOU know about the GG's who have posted in this thread so far :rolleyes:


We are not hearing from the overwhelming majority of GGs, who want no part of it, aren't accepting, and are planning or are already divorced.Maybe they don't want to reply to your waffle, or maybe you're just wrong again eh?


Anyone who has been in here a few years, knows that for every wife or SO who is accepting, a dozen are not!
And I doubt there is a GG in here, that isn't keeping a few secrets of her own.I've been here 4 years, so you're saying that 12-1 GG's here aren't accepting? Wow.. you know us all so well don't you eh? NOT... :BS:

You're not hearing from many GG's, because the majority won't post out here their feelings, for fear of being blasted. It has bugger all to do with whether they are accepting or not, so why don't you, be quiet for a change and get your facts straight, instead of coming up with dumb odds that make no bloody sense :brolleyes:

[secretlypsycho]

At the risk of beating a dead horse here, we are only hearing from the GGs who are somewhat accepting, and are in here to find out more about it, or support an SO. We are not hearing from the overwhelming majority of GGs, who want no part of it, aren't accepting, and are planning or are already divorced.
Anyone who has been in here a few years, knows that for every wife or SO who is accepting, a dozen are not!


:brolleyes: damn right that horse is well & truly dead - let it go already.... and it's not only SOs in here disagreeing with your opinion, it's pretty much everybody - does that tell you nothing?

I have been a member of various SO forums over the 9 years or so I've known about this, and there was one common recurring theme - every SO was there to learn what she could and figure out if/how she could accept this in her life. For those whose marriages DIDN'T last, and who did divorce, it was almost NEVER purely because of crossdressing, in fact I don't think I can recall a single one. Every time, it's the lies, the deceit, the extreme selfishness, narcissism, disregard for the SO's thoughts or feelings or a lack of attention to the family unit - OTHER behaviours, sure they're exhibited through crossdressing, but they are NOT crossdressing itself.


And I doubt there is a GG in here, that isn't keeping a few secrets of her own.

And you base this on what? I have NO secrets from my husband, not one - and I don't for a second believe that I am the only one.

[Jodianne]

At the risk of beating a dead horse here, we are only hearing from the GGs who are somewhat accepting, and are in here to find out more about it, or support an SO. We are not hearing from the overwhelming majority of GGs, who want no part of it, aren't accepting, and are planning or are already divorced.
Anyone who has been in here a few years, knows that for every wife or SO who is accepting, a dozen are not!
And I doubt there is a GG in here, that isn't keeping a few secrets of her own.

Oh Melinda. I can only assume you've had a disastrously painful experience in telling someone you love about your CDing. There really is no other reason I can think of for you to continue with this tirade. Can anyone really be happy with such a negative attitude to such a big part of their life?

And by the way, I am no exception to the rule - most of the other GGs who have replied to this thread are so far ahead of me on the acceptance scale so there's just another example of jumping to quick assumptions about us GG's. Give us a go. We are not all tarred with the same brush!!!!

[Glenda]

Stop it already. Kudos to all of the GG's who have posted. Almost without exception you are stating your feelings well. Melinda........some don't agree with your viewpoint. Don't be offended. They have that right.

Shiny,

Acceptance and tolerance is not something that always comes immediately. You plant a seed.......you watch it grow. Sometimes it dies. Sometimes it flourishes. But it doesn't happen immediately. If you are a good, loving and caring person, it doesn't matter how you're dressed. If you want an open, honest and respectful relationship then you have to tell. If you want to hide then you're looking for opportunity, not acceptance.

If you disagree, that's OK. It's just my opinion.

[Sandra]

At the risk of beating a dead horse here, we are only hearing from the GGs who are somewhat accepting,and are in here to find out more about it, or support an SO.

What, you seriously need to read some more of the posts by us GG's. So I'm somewhat accepting am I, well I would say I'm just a little more than that, my SO dresses 24/7 I think that shows am a little more than somewhat accepting.



We are not hearing from the overwhelming majority of GGs, who want no part of it, aren't accepting, and are planning or are already divorced.

And you know do you that those who are planning, divorced, or going through one are doing it all because of the cding? Cding isn't always the factor why a marriage breaks up most times there is something else as well, but it seems that you can't see that and have to blame the GG because she is having a difficult time accepting.

Many of the GGs don't post in this or any threads in the main forum, because as soon as they start to disagree with whats been said or they voice an opinion they get blasted.




Anyone who has been in here a few years, knows that for every wife or SO who is accepting, a dozen are not!

So you've know all about the SO's here, I've never heard such utter crap. :Angry3:




And I doubt there is a GG in here, that isn't keeping a few secrets of her own.

Well this GG isn't like you keeping secrets, my SO knows all about me. I suggest you stop tarring everyone with the same brush.


You know Melinda I pity any GG who becomes close to you because she'll just be told lie after lie.

[TrueGemini'sWife GG]

As the old saying goes...
"Misery loves company"..
But Melinda? You seem to be alone in your corner Hun.

It is more than obvious you have been deeply hurt in the past, but we did not do it to you.
On the contrary...
Many of us (GG's) are here to lend our support, our ears and our shoulders. We have already been down that hard road and want to help others get here..
Unfortunately?
CD's with this attitude tends to shoot the whole community in the foot.

We all have pain Melinda, it's part of our bond, but lashing out and hurting others isn't going to make things better nor make you feel better about yourself.
No one can bring us happiness.. No one can bring us joy, contentment or peace...
That must come from within. Once you are able to love yourself, it opens the door for others to love you.

Keep talking. It's the best way to see things, when out in the open..
Just try not to lash out. When you do that, people can't see that you are actually hurting. We just see you as being obnoxious.
And if we can't see it? How can we help?

Breathe Girl..
We ain't all so bad.

:battingeyelashes:

[Sheena Pink]

Shiny,
It's great that you came out to your "babe". Let her absorb it, and get used to the idea.
The most important thing in building or growing a relationship is honesty, so don't downplay your CDing, if that's not how you approach it.
I know with Bre she wasn't comfortable showing me for years that side of her. She'd only dress when she went on trips or when I was at work. (I've known about her dressing for 16 out of 18 years) When finally, she showed me herself, this last year I had to get used to the idea that she wanted to feel feminine, and sexy too. That it was really not about me lacking in these areas. :battingeyelashes:
Now we go out and have fun together either dinner, shopping, or dancing at CD friendly clubs.
Good luck with this!:hugs:

[Melinda G]

Well, the verdict is in. I am so terribly wrong, and immensly humbled. I wish to change my advice, and strongly advise all of you to stop living the lie, and "come out" immediately to your spouses and girlfriends, your children and parents, and your bosses and co workers. Get it all out. We're here for you. :D
And for the record, I was never "terribly hurt", when my wife found out, and moved out, leaving me the kids, the house, and the dog. Been happy and free ever since.

[DemonicDaughter]

Well, the verdict is in. I am so terribly wrong, and immensly humbled. I wish to change my advice, and strongly advise all of you to stop living the lie, and "come out" immediately to your spouses and girlfriends, your children and parents, and your bosses and co workers. Get it all out. We're here for you. :D
And for the record, I was never "terribly hurt", when my wife found out, and moved out, leaving me the kids, the house, and the dog. Been happy and free ever since.

And some men stereotype women as going from one extreme to the other!

[easy-writer]

Oh my, reading this thread (as a new member, feeling his way around) has been very illuminating. I sense so much pain, yet so much love here, in spite of the harse tone of some of the posts. I'm especially encouraged by all the GG's who have spoken out in support of not only their SO's but the CD community as a whole.

Melinda, please don't beat yourself up for expressing an opinion which has aroused so much angst. Your position was--at least for me--understandable, and your willingness now to change that view laudable.

My own experience has been checkered, meaning my SO keeps trying to put the genie back in the bottle. In short, she wants her manly-man back, looking manly, and doing manly things. Crap. Which leaves me in a quandry, every time that genie tries to escape again (like now--is it Spring already?)

Yet one truth has surfaced through all of this, and that is the LIE hurts her more than the knowledge that I've "slipped" again. If anything will kill our long and beautiful relationship, it will be another LIE.

And so I've been giving her little clues as I try to gather the courage to admit (once again, sigh...) that I am, undeniably and irrevocably, a CD.
:straightface:

[DemonicDaughter]

And so I've been giving her little clues as I try to gather the courage to admit (once again, sigh...) that I am, undeniably and irrevocably, a CD.
:straightface:

I wish you courage hun. :love:

[Sandra]

Easy-writer

Don't give her clues, I know it's hard but tell her find that courage sooner rather than later. :hugs:

[easy-writer]

Thanks. I'll try (gulp)

[Melanie R]

In my 28+ years of doing research worldwide with thousands of crossdressers and their SO's and assisting my wife with the research that was part of her four books on the topic, the reality is that 50% of SO's accept the crossdressing and 50% do not. Of those who divorce in 80% of the cases the divorce is based on other reasons and not the dressing. Of those who do accept probably less than half are active participants in their husband's crossdressing. We have found that those couples who have a strong relationship with trust and honesty are able to make the crossdressing a part of their relationship. For many wives they are able to see beyond the clothes worn by their husbands. They know that their "man" is not going away. Of course there are unfortunately too many crossdressers who push the boundaries and eventually this will lead a wife to become non-accepting. I could go on forever but you all know what I am saying.

[brendaisagirl]

Shiny,
I do not beleive that relationships or marriages end because of CDing that is just a symptom, look at the damage that the lies caused, so was it the CDing or the lies? I think the lies. give your wife some credit, she is allowed to be upset and need time, give her time to feel those feelings and let her ask questions and do not lie, be the person she loves and tell the truth, even if it hurts. I found out about my DH's Cding from the start and it still took me a while, I'm a southern bible belt girl, it took a while to learn and adjust to the fact that my cowboy wanted to wear a skirt, but skirt or no skirt he is still my cowboy. Give her time.
Brenda

[debbeelee1]

I guess I'm one of the lucky ones, my SO knows, understands and encourages me! Don't know what to tell you other than good luck.

[Kayla_Gurl]

[FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=DarkGreen]As the old saying goes...
"Misery loves company"..
But Melinda? You seem to be alone in your corner Hun.

It is more than obvious you have been deeply hurt in the past, but we did not do it to you.
On the contrary...
Many of us (GG's) are here to lend our support, our ears and our shoulders. We have already been down that hard road and want to help others get here..

Cut Melinda some slack. Obviously. if you are here and posting then you are at least trying to understand. But just from reading this board and my personal experience, many women are not accepting and supportive. I have nothing but praise and respect for the GGs here, but I believe they are the exception rather than the rule.

[Tree GG]

Shiny,
I do not beleive that relationships or marriages end because of CDing that is just a symptom, look at the damage that the lies caused, so was it the CDing or the lies? ...

and the pride in the success of those lies?

[Diana R.]

I told my wife early on in our relationship as don't beleive in
lying. As has been said here many times it's the lie more than
the doing. My wife has always accepted the cding. She has
bought me clothes, makeup and jewerly jioned in with dressing.
It has been many years since I have slept in any thing but a
nightgown. We have been together for 47yrs so I guess you
could say she is accepting.
Diana.R

[TrueGemini'sWife GG]

I think some should get out more and MEET some GG's..
We might surprise you.
:battingeyelashes:

Do they seem non-accepting because of the dressing, period?
I have been around this community for almost 4 years and I am sorry to say, that is not the case in most circumstances.
Not all or even most GG's are unloving and non-accepting, just as not all TG/CDers are self-centered, self-absorbed and self-serving.

Looking at a group of people and assuming most are bad or worse.. Thinking FOR them without asking their OWN thoughts, leads to bias, prejudges views and how is that ever a good thing?
Isn't that what we are all fighting against?
It does amaze me that within our own community, as we all want so badly to be accepted for who we are WITHOUT judgment...
How quick we are to judge one another.
<shakes head>






Cut Melinda some slack. Obviously. if you are here and posting then you are at least trying to understand. But just from reading this board and my personal experience, many women are not accepting and supportive. I have nothing but praise and respect for the GGs here, but I believe they are the exception rather than the rule.

[DemonicDaughter]

If you want to know why anyone would be upset over certain statements made in this particular thread...

Its because it is quite the double standard to cry how you are treated unfairly in society just for you to then make a derogatory statement regarding another group of people.

EVERYONE has their own issues in life. You should NOT scream for someone to take your advice based solely on YOUR past. You should learn compassion, understanding and to think about how you can hurt other people with a word just as you were hurt. Offer you thoughts, opinions and circumstances. Don't mar them with statements that sound as if you are an authority when you clearly are not. (For if you were your life would obviously be much different.)

If you aren't a part of the solution, you are part of the problem. If you aren't leading people to a path of understanding then you are following the hate-mongers down the path of self destruct.

I refuse to follow.