Confessing your crossdressing.

[Annie D]

I started to post a reply to one of the new threads about unsuccessfully coming out to your SO but I decided to rather make an personal statement about relationships.

We meet someone who was are physically attracted to or may like their personality, their values, or have similar liking of the same activities. As we get to know them we develop a relationship based upon some initial feeling that you might have for one another. Some of you come out in the beginning and some of us come out later.

WHEN IS THE BEST TIME TO COME OUT WITH YOUR CROSSDRESSING?

I believe that you should have some firm foundation of a relationship before you share your secret. Why do I believe this? Because the best way to be accepted as a crossdresser is to be able to establish that no matter what you are wearing that you are the same person.

My SO is my best friend. We made a promise to love and honor one another. Whether I am wearing pants or a skirt our promises to one another have remained the same. Yes, we have changed in the years together but we have changed together in the same direction because we have a strong relationship of not only loving one another but liking one another.

If your relationship is based upon your SO liking who you are then, I believe, that you can safely depend on being somewhat accepted. Initially there may be some questions but relationships are built on trust and fidelity and if you are true to your promise to your SO then I think you have a better chance of surviving your confession.

If your relationship is based upon a physical attraction, liking to party together, or some other external compatibility then I think that you may be less successful in your confession.

For those of you who have been unsuccessful in coming out, why were you not accepted?

I hope this provokes several replies from both successfull and unseccessful confessions. Thank you for listening and commenting.

[Emily Ann Brown]

My outting went horribly wrong for the same reason my EX has few friends and the grown kids don't like telling her much ..... she expects perfection from her close circle because she is perfect and only wants to be around perfect people. Suddenly I wasn't perfect by her standards, and was honest enough to admit I never would be.


Emily Ann

[DemonicDaughter]

I don't know the best time to tell anyone, but I do the worst time... years down the line! Seems to be the biggest complaint regarding SO's finding out about their spouse's CDing. I think being honest once you become romantically involved is fine. You need to tell everyone you go on a date with but before you have to hide who you really are (such as when you move in together) you should spill the beans.

[Sandra]

WHEN IS THE BEST TIME TO COME OUT WITH YOUR CROSSDRESSING?

Certainly not years down the line, I think it should be talked about before things get to serious, when you start to think maybe she's the one for me. You leave it until later and both worlds and feelings can be shattered.

It seems that a lot of cders can't grasp the being lied to factor, most of the time it isn't the cding that cause the problem, it comes down to the fact that the SO has been lied to.

[Michelle-NC]

My wife knew Michelle before she ever knew the man side of me...so I am very fortunate with that fact. I am quite certain that if I had waited later, then the major issue would have been the lie...not the crossdressing aspect.

[Emily Ann Brown]

I agree with you Sandra, the years of lying are the killer usually. For me it was the last 5 of 38 (late bloomer figuring out why I was so uncomfortable as a male), and hiding/lying for 5 was brought up as a big disappointment, but when someone tells you to stop (physically and mentally) and maybe all will be forgiven then it isn't just the lying. Mine just couldn't handle that I wasn't the "perfect" husband.....same as she "disowned" kids for periods of time till they became "perfect" in her sight again.


Emily Ann

[LaurenEP]

About three weeks after our first date, I told my gf the first night we were ... intimate. I asked her if she ever saw "Ed Wood..." I knew she had, because one of the MANY reasons we hooked up was because of a mutual affinity for Tim Burton's work. That was eight years ago. We've had our problems, but it's never been about my crossdressing.

[Ashley Lyn]

After realizing that the GF and I were becoming very close, I knew it was close to 'time to let it out'! The fact that I'm 15 years her senior, made it a tad more difficult, but I 'presented' the clothes closet to her and let her know that "there was a little girl in me trying to get out"!:)

She accepted it, and actually initiates the dressing, as long as we 'keep it to ourselves'. I've been known to go out for halloween, and we go out for rides en femme, but we both enjoy the issues! Sometimes I think there may be a "little boy in her trying to get out"! :battingeyelashes:

I asked her to marry me shortly after I knew she was accepting... I told her that I could not live a lie, and would be unhappy if I couldn't be 'that little girl' every now and then!:heehee:

[Shiny]

I was griped by someone in coming out by a lie of omission, saying the CD thing was fun on Halloween. But, although it may have been a half-truth it is the truth nonetheless and is pointed in the right direction.

I think she will understand to a point. Will she ever get into the CD thing and embrace it? Doubtful. But at this point I would rather quit my "hobby" than lose her. I have made many big life changes with family and jobs and moving and so forth and although the CD thing will probably remain on my mind, yeah, I could probably give it up. But she's a great person and over time she might think of it as a bit of quirky fun from time to time. I never did it 24/7 anyhow and as of late, although I enjoy the CD experience I feel that I have taken it as far as I care to anyway. I don't want to pass and certainly don't want to be with a man or have SRS.

And in telling her a "spoonful" at a time, that's critical. The other poster was right in saying I have know about this for decades, her for only a few minutes! If I would have dumped the whole truckload all at once? She would have been gone! Thanks for the help. And proceeding the best way I can to keep everyone happy! It's working so far--

[Sandra]

Mine just couldn't handle that I wasn't the "perfect" husband.....same as she "disowned" kids for periods of time till they became "perfect" in her sight again.


Emily Ann


No one is perfect and if that is what your wife wanted, with you and the kids then she was asking for a hell of a lot.

:hugs:

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Shiny

You may want to read the link in my signature on telling your partner it has some useful information

good luck whatever you decide

[gennee]

I told my wife nine months after I started. I laid it all out to her. Gradually, she has come to accept this part of my life. I wanted to tell her anything, it's just that it happened sooner than later. I'm happy to say that our relationship is better than ever. Today we went clothes shopping.

Gennee

:)

[Claudia Zylindrias]

I have to agree that the best time is at the onset of serious dating with one person (aka exclusive dating). While that backfired for me on my first marriage, it was not because of me lying or hiding parts of myself. It was her telling me that it was okay and the she was accepting, but truly wasn't. She tried to change me and then in failing to do that she turned us into roommates with children. It would have been better for her to be honest from the onset.

But I still agree that at the onset, you know with the questions or politics, religion, families, crossdressing, favorite types of socks, etc..lol ;)

[DemonicDaughter]

I have to agree that the best time is at the onset of serious dating with one person (aka exclusive dating). While that backfired for me on my first marriage, it was not because of me lying or hiding parts of myself. It was her telling me that it was okay and the she was accepting, but truly wasn't. She tried to change me and then in failing to do that she turned us into roommates with children. It would have been better for her to be honest from the onset.

But I still agree that at the onset, you know with the questions or politics, religion, families, crossdressing, favorite types of socks, etc..lol ;)

Very good point Claudia!!! Its important for everyone to be honest on all levels including a SO's ability to accept, participate and/or tolerate whatever their spouse's do. If you can't deal with it, say so. If you don't know if you can deal with it, say that! But don't say you are okay with it when you are not. You are only opening up the door for disaster.

[jaina]

WHEN IS THE BEST TIME TO COME OUT WITH YOUR CROSSDRESSING?

I believe that you should have some firm foundation of a relationship before you share your secret. Why do I believe this? Because the best way to be accepted as a crossdresser is to be able to establish that no matter what you are wearing that you are the same person.

.

Now, Today. LONG before you've worked on a firm foundation of a relationship.

[yatista]

I have been with my wife for 20 years 15 married I am now 41. I have twin girls age 10. I have only been dressing with wigs and makeup recently. Before it was only the neck down. I just cant see taking the risk of hurting the children or the good relationship we all have. They all have a Father image of me and if they know you kill that for ever. I also cant stand hiding this from my wife ... its wrong but hurting them is wrong. I just think i have to wait untill the children are not in the picture. anyone deal with this situation ? Its the only thing about crossdressing that I hate ... besides taking my Fem clothes off. I must also say I have a good relationship with my wife we are very happy together.

[mylilsecret8]

I have been with my wife for 20 years 15 married I am now 41. I have twin girls age 10. I have only been dressing with wigs and makeup recently. Before it was only the neck down. I just cant see taking the risk of hurting the children or the good relationship we all have. They all have a Father image of me and if they know you kill that for ever. I also cant stand hiding this from my wife ... its wrong but hurting them is wrong. I just think i have to wait untill the children are not in the picture. anyone deal with this situation ? Its the only thing about crossdressing that I hate ... besides taking my Fem clothes off. I must also say I have a good relationship with my wife we are very happy together.

My wife has caught me wearing panties a few times and absolutely hates it. She has no idea I sometimes wear womens pants, tops, skirts, heels, makeup, etc. and if she did I am certain she would divorce me. We have teenage children and I agree, it would permanently change how they view me if they ever knew. I decided a long time ago not to risk impacting their home life because of my hobby.

[yatista]

Thats my issue also ... If you do not have kids then its a different game but with kids you are messing with there image of what a father should be. I find lots of post about why but there is a lot of real reasons why you should not. Its just got to be the hardest thing about being a CD. It can cause real emotional pain in a family setting.

Jody

[Sally2005]

I think Shiny has a valid point. Add that it can take many years to understand what CDing is to yourself. Is it a lie if you can't describe what you feel? I have found that my understanding and needs have changed over the years. It is only in the last couple years that I really understand what CDing is to me... so I guess I have been lying for the last couple years....or have I? I have never lied about anything to do with CDing, but I have not offered information either. My wife has gone out with me on halloween and we have rented some gender bending movies, but we never really talk about it. She recently told me she doesn't care if I wear panties or dress up (but I don't think she means all the time or major life change)... So I am in a place where I want to experiement some more and she knows I like CDing. I don't want to disrupt her or our family so I go low key. I wish I could share all of my experiences with her, but it takes time...I have to do it little by little. A talk would signal a major life change to both of us...that is not what we want. Maybe it has to fit my character, but I think my talk is going to be more like...surprise guess what I bought on ebay... do you think it makes me look fat?

[marny]

It wasn't an issue for me when we were first married. I didn't start CDing until I was 45. Still not sure what brought it on...but it hasn't stopped. I get bolder about exposing marny as time goes by. I brought my wife into it slowly. No big confrontation. But then she asked if we could go see our familly doctor for councilling and that worked very well. It helped her and me to understand what was going on. She realized I wasn't doing it to hurt her,. In fact that I still love her. She is accepting but she does not want others to know. she is very traditional and I have always been very experimental but this is not an experiment! She is worried about my business reputation and that is legitimate. I have one friend and one of my daughters who know.I have said it here before. I think others suspect ,but none will ask. We're Canadian. Very polite! :battingeyelashes:

[sparks]

Hmmm! I went for the years later "option". It worked worth crap!!!!!!!!
Anyway now my life is a mess. So case in point be comfortable with who you are. Then don't wait years because if you are serious about this person they should know all of you. They should be happy with all of you as you are with him/her. Be fare to both of you take that chance because if you don't you could be rsiking everything and be miserable just like me.:D

[melissacd]

In my case I did not tell my ex (yes ex) until 15 years into the relationship. After a decade of not being able to deal with it we split up. Her biggest issue was that I took away her choice to walk away from something she wanted no part of. She said had I told her at the beginning that she would have had the option to stay or to leave and that her choice would have been to leave. She said that she was angry that she had wasted 25 years of her life with me. It is a sad statement, however, it is how she feels. She is angry that at the point in her life where she should have been retiring with her long term partner that she is starting all over again.

From this experience (and from other experiences since she and I split) I now understand and appreciate how important it is to be brutally honest (about all things) right from the beginning. I do not feel that waiting to see how it goes is the right course of action in deciding whether to tell. You cannot build a good solid relationship if you are less than completely honest, something that I have learned the hard way.

So...if I ever have another relationship I will be forthcoming about all things right from the start.

My 2 Cents

[satin_luva]

This can be a big dilemma.

If you tell to early you may be kicked to the side of the road with a broken heart.
If you tell to late you may end up with four scratch marks plastered across your face and your name put in 'don'tdatehimgirl.com'.

[Emily Anderson]

I think the best time is at the start of a relationship, at least when things start to get serious. Obviously it can work out ok years down the line, as has been proven many times over, but at least if all is discussed up front it gives the opportunity for both partners to openly discuss the needs/wants/issues, potentially have fun together with crossdressing (if you are lucky), and for either to pull out early if there are major disagreements.

I doubt you would want to date a girl that ten years down the road might love you less, or leave you, on the basis of you not having told her about your 'secret', or that you may feel very uncomfortable living years in a relationship where you cannot fully express yourself, whether dressing up or just being able to discuss some aspects of crossdressing.

Since my divorce several years ago, I have told every girlfriend - three in all - right from the start, and not one of them has judged me badly for the fact that I crossdress. In fact, one of them didn't mind to a point that I wonder if she also wouldn't have minded if I was an axe murderer, but I digress :eek:

Of course, telling up front means that you have to a) be willing to discuss the topic and answer all her questions, and b) accept the consequences. I think this is where most CD's fail and I can well understand why - there is a lot at stake! Also, depending on your understanding of yourself, you may not be able to discuss things as readily as your GF asks questions (GG's are great at asking questions!!!). Still, I think it is best to prepare yourself - think carefully where you want to go with all this, let her know - without it sounding like a 'dirty little secret', and be prepared to discuss in as much detail as she wants to know, even if this means letting her know that you don't know 100%.

I hope at least some of this makes sense.

[kim85]

We meet someone who was are physically attracted to or may like their personality, their values, or have similar liking of the same activities. As we get to know them we develop a relationship based upon some initial feeling that you might have for one another. Some of you come out in the beginning and some of us come out later.

I agree in part with this. When my SO came out to me (after we had been together about 6 months ) he hadnt dressed since a few months before we got together. He told me that he use to CD but had tried to stoped, however he was getting the urges to do it again.

This made it easier for me to accept. In my mind i hadnt been lied to and it wasn't done behind my back. He was still the same person that i fell for. The fact that he told me about it before he did it knowing full well that i could walk away made me feel even closer to him. In my mind i couldn't be mad at him for wanting to be honest with me. I had the option to walk away or stay and see if i could cope. Thanks god i did im happier than i have been in years plus i got to meet all of you

I think the hardest part for most SO's is that you have shared X amount of time with someone to then find out that you dont really know them as well as you thought you did.

Just my :2c:
Kim
xxx

[JoAnnDallas]

I have been married over 25 years and only in the last year have I told my wife. I grew up in an area where if you told anyone that you were a CDer, you were Mentally Ill, a Deviate, a Pervert, and in many states doing something illegal. I'm not sure if any GG would have wanted to married me. So like a lot of us, I kept it secret, hidden, and LIED thru my teeth about it. Only since the invention of the Internet has a lot changed with CDing. It is no longer a Mental Illness, we are no longer deviates or perverts, and it is now legal in ALL states. If I was just now getting serious with my wife and wanted to marry her, I would tell her it all and hope for the best. As it is, she was mad for a long while. She did not want to see me fully dressed. I think she had the "Drag Queen" image of me until she accidently saw me fully dressed a couple of weeks ago. Also women 25 + years ago did not know a lot about men crossdressing either. Only what society had taught them that men that like to wear dresses were sick, deviate, and perverted. Today many women know what MtF crossdressing is all about and can now accept it easier than 25+ years ago.
If you look at many relationships where the wife finds out years down the road, you will find that most of them came from this era.

[amber 07]

I came out to my 3rd wife before we were married and she said she understood and was very kind and loving, even buying clothes for me, but the marriage lasted only 18 months and she wouldn't discuss the reasons for wanting me to leave, only that I wasn't a man. I told my current SO after we had dated for more than a year and her reaction has been wonderful, to say the least. We go shopping together for Amber and she just purchased 2 human hair wigs for her. She encourages me nearly daily that I need to get into "something silky" so I can be me. She tells me I'm all the man she can handle and simply Loves bringing Amber into our bedroom fully dressed and on holiday as well. I guess what I'm trying to say is be honest and take your chances. I did and ended up at 50%, but I'm happier now than I've ever been. Hugs, Amber

[Joanna-Louise]

I guess what I'm trying to say is be honest and take your chances. I did and ended up at 50%, but I'm happier now than I've ever been. Hugs, Amber.

ill agree, after 3 failed relationships (non cd related, but i have suspicions it was a closing factor) 2 ex's knew of my cding, i finally found Kim, she has been the best friend Joanna can have, going shopping, girly days/nights in and she has given Joanna the help and support she needs.

I know this is not always going to be the case for everyone, but its a risk every cd (male or female) has to take if they want to stay in the relationship and share the cding too.... i think the expression we all want our cake and eat it comes to mind. :2c:

Regards

Joanna
x

[JoAnnDallas]

Something just came to mind while I was reading this posting. Statistics show that today 50% of all marriges end in devoirce. So you may as well tell you spouse early on as since crossdressing seems to be a small issue when you look at the statistics. LOL

[Ruth]

I don't know if this is true for others but when I was young, I knew I had CDing 'tendencies' but I honestly didn't know if they were something fundamental or just the result of adolescent confusion and over-active sexual impulse. So I got married to the girl I love and more or less assumed I would settle down and become 'normal'. Of course that didn't happen, so eventually I had to tell her. There was no plan, as in saying "when would be a good time to let this one out".
Like most people I found my life unfolding in ways that were mostly unpredictable.
There probably is a good time to tell, it's just that most of us are on the ride, hanging on for dear life, and don't exactly realise where we are. It's only in retrospect that you see what you should have done.

[Deanna2]

I'm not sure that 'confessing' is the best word to use. It infers that you have done something 'wrong' and that should not be the impression you want to give. Confessing something puts you on the back foot and has very negative connotations.

What you need to do is explain an aspect of your life or being - such as in 'this is me'! A positive action most usually gets a positive reaction.