My Story

[Jessicainme]

Hello Ladies,

Well I'm going to give you my cry on your shoulder, why me story. I friend that I made here on this site said that I should tell my story so here it is. I grew up in a town of loggers, paper mills and other factories. I place where you didn't tell anyone about your desire to dress, because if you did you might not make it to your next birthday.
As a child my mother was sick and always in the hospital so myself and my sisters and brother got shuffled around alot with our relatives. Not a normal home life. My father was a mean man. Never had a kind word to say to me. To him a I was no good, useless, and would never amount to anything. When I told him that I was joining the military he said that I would never make it because they wanted men not me. I did join and stayed in for 20 years.
He was very abusive mentally and never hit me with his fist but liked to use his belt. So I became the so called whipping boy.
In my life a have had many failed marriages. I don't want to go into detail because I'm afraid that it might out me. Lets just say that I've been married more then once and less then ten.
My desire to dress has been a long one. I can remember walking around in my sisters dress when I was around five or six. I've done a little here and there but never to the extent that I would like. Am I bi-sexual? To be honest I don't know. I have had dreams and other fantasies of being with a man or woman while I was dressed. I have never acted on any of them and some times I think (My god what am I thinking about. Am I sick). I just don't know.
I've tried to make friends who live in the same state as myself who are into dressing but for some reason it's hard to do.
I guess that I like to be Jessica because I can be her and not me the male. She never lived my life and is a very happy and outgoing woman. Please don't tell me to go to a counselor, because I do. I don't tell them about my desire to dress because that is my secret.
So that is my story. I hope that I didn't bore you to much. I' not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me. I just wanted to tell my story on why I like dressing.

Jessica

[Jill Mac]

Hi, sounds as if youve had a hard childhood, i'm glad being jessica makes you feel good about your self, sounds as if you deserve some happiness.

Jill

[Deborah Jane]

Hi Jessica, it sounds like you,ve had a hard time.
Hopefully from now on things will start getting better.
:hugs:Debs

[jessielee]

hello Jessica!
so sorry for all the pain and uncertainty.
but alienation, angst and outsiderhood are what many of us share, beside the sheer joy of the feel, both tactile and emotional, of rightness of dressing,
of coming home.
you are among family here.
thank you for sharing your story.
i hope you find other's experiences to be of help.
ugs,
jessie

[Michelle-NC]

Hi Jessica....Don't apologize for sharing! This forum is a support, and sometimes it truly helps to have everything written down, getting it off your chest. I completely understand your logic on Jessica not having any of your male problems.

[Roberta Llyan]

Hi Jessica

We have much in common in our past. So I can empathize with you. My dad was the same way. ( I refuse to call him father for that denotes someone who cares. )

Thank you for sharing your story. I appreciate being able to read it. My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best.

Presently, I am 24/7 CDer. And I love it. I would never want to be or do anything less. For I am happy as Roberta.

You have a good day sweetie.

[Emily Ann Brown]

Well, I for one am glad you find happiness in your fem self.

HUGS, lots of hugs
Emily Ann

[deja true]

Jessica, you've been here long enough that you know posting a story like this is a request for advice, a request for help, even though you say you're not looking for help.

I think that not telling your therapist or counselor about this important part of your life, and that it is one of the only ways you can find comfort, is a big mistake.

If you feel your counselor is disapproving or a jerk, get a new counselor. But if you feel they are really trying to help you, you cannot get that help unless you are completely open with them. Hiding this important aspect of your life is no better than hiding from an SO. It's a lie. And you know how we all feel about that.

If you expect help, then you have to help yourself. Please, please do that...

respect & love,

deja

[DemonicDaughter]

No truer words have ever been uttered. Those of us that have suffered at the hands of mentally abusive parents can completely empathize with you. It is never an easy path we travel because things always haunt us.

I honestly believe that CDing is a form of therapy for some. I think it allows many to express themselves in an "art form" of transformation from ordinary to extraordinary. I think many look to CDing as a way of finally becoming "beautiful" after a lifetime of ugliness. Maybe it helps connect them more to life in general. Giving a broader scope of life and their own emotions.

Nothing worth doing is easy and its a long hard road to self acceptance but coming here and sharing your story is a big step. Thank you for letting us in.

:love:

[Celeste]

I agree with deja,we shouldn't handicap our counselors by not being completely honest,you could never trust what their assessment may be.On the other hand maybe a professional who specialized in tg ,cd issues would be easier to be open with.This is the route I would take in considering a counselor.

[tiffianycd]

I agree , I been in cousling for over a year now and when I told him about my crossdressing in fem clothing. he realy was open and understanding.this was a whole new beginging. He did not judge me but was very open minded. I was taught in college that couslars are to listen and help you find that path you can not see on your own. Listening and helping is what they do.
when I told my cousler that day if felt like a ton of bricks was lifted away and I am free to express my self without fear. I grew up in a family backgrown that was very abusive. My family still does not know but I think they suppected that I crossdressed. after I told my cousler it gave me a new outlook in life and if my family did find out to be honest I could care less what they thought or anyone else for that matter.

tiffianycd

[docrobbysherry]

I don't pretend to have any answers, just questions.

My life has been a picnic, a garden party compared to yours. Only one marriage and divorce. An overbearing father, but nothing like yours! I only started dressing 9 years ago, and I'm 60 now.

But, I feel we mite have things in common. The same questions maybe;

Why do I enjoy puting on ladies clothes? I must be a sicko.
Does it mean I'm actually gay?
I guess I'm NOT a real man, just like my dad said.
Why can't I keep a wife? Must be something the matter with me.
I really enjoy dressing, and it doesn't hurt anyone. Yet, I don't dare tell anyone I know, do i? Keeping this secret inside hurts!

Just wanted to get the message that, u aren't alone, across to u.
RS

[Pamela Julie]

You are here for support like the rest of us. You did the right thing by posting this thread. That huge Paul Bunyon statue in Bangor tells much about the people in the area. They take pride in the hard work they do and the tough image it portrays. You are going to a counselor to get help with issues that bother you. You need to tell of all issues in your life, even those that you think may not relate. Believe me, everything in your life relates to everything else, and Jessica is a huge part of your being. Your counselor is required to honor your privacy. If he/she makes you feel uncomfortable, find another, even if you have to drive a long distance. Talking here will help you quite a bit also, and we are always here. You may wish to vacation in Boston, just a few hours away from your home, as Jessica. We have many members that live there and may like to meet up with you. Please continue to post threads with your feelings, we really do care.

Pamela:)

[stormrider]

Jessica, Maine is a rough state to be different in. We are clannish and judgemental. To outsiders, Maine is Portland, L.L.Bean, or Ba-Ha-Ba, but we know better. We are usually members of small communities that have so many members that are related, or have grown up together that we tend to live in each other's pocket, so to speak. I have been a transvestite all of my life and have in the past 10 years just accepted my transsexuality. It was hard enough to admit to myself that I am female inside, much less announce it to a relatively closed minded community (wich I haven;t really). I feel for you, I hurt for you, I empathize with your plight. I have been through it all and am by no means out of my own woods yet. The one thing I have accepted though is that I am who I am. I can be Michelle as a woman or a man, I chose woman. I will never take the hormones or have the surgery, but I will never again deny to myself my true sex or sexuality. I don't flaunt it or deny it, I just live the way I can be at peace with. I will not recomend a direction you should take, for I don't know what town you are from or who your aquaintences are. I can only wish you peace in your mind. I can also offer an ear if you wish to vent or a shoulder if you want to cry. Good luck girl.

Michelle

[vikki2020]

Jessica, I hope you find a path that takes you to where you want to go. Sometimes, the best thing about the past, is that it is the past.Look forward,concentrate on today.