Food for Thought

[Danicd]

I can't stop thinking about how some of us feel about coming out to our SO's. So, I thought I'd try to put a different spin on it. Try if you can to imagine that you fell in love with this beautifull woman who alway's dressed and acted like a real girly girl. After you have been together for a number of years one night you come home unexpected and found her sitting in your recliner wearing nothing but your t-shirt, boxers, and work socks no make-up jewelry nothing. (maybe smoking a cigar and drinking your beer). You are shocked that she is not wearing her usuall nighty. So, you ask her what this is all about and she tells you that all her life she has secretly dressed as a man and felt more like herself this way. She goes on to tell you that she often wears your business suits and hides her hair when your not around. She, also say's that instead of Jeniffer she refers to herself as Jeff when dressed this way. She tells you she would love to make love this way and possibly try to go out and pass as a man. (I think you get the point by now). My question is would you want everybody to know that she dresses this way and would you be uncomfortable going out with her dressed this way. Another question is would you still have fallen in love with her if she told you this from the beginning or would you think differently finding out her secret later. Would you think she might be gay and want to be with another woman?

[FuzzyCuffs]

An interesting point of view, that is often not taken.

[Sugar]

I was getting turned on until the part about "drinkin my beer."

[Nikki Cox]

A very GREAT point of view!!!

[Kayla_Gurl]

I was getting turned on until the part about "drinkin my beer."

LOL!!!

[Sugar]

with a sense of humor!!

Bless your heart!!

:hugs:

[ChanDelle]

Hmmmmmm...

ChanDelle

[sandra-leigh]

An interesting point of view, that is often not taken.

I see it mooted around here at least once every 10 days, and twice in the same day (by two different people) has happened a couple of times in the last few months.

It is an argument that has lost its novelty (for me at least), partly because it never seems to get developed beyond the basic "suppose your wife turned the tables on you" premise.

[Tree GG]

Sympathy/empathy is appreciated. :love:

[MJ]

based on your model i would be in total shock i would be hurt and confused the issue is living a lie does this mean i am gay ? what if the family found out now i have to lie and keep a secret i did not want she open the closet and shut me in * Based on your model *

now if she gave me copy's of information to read first i would have moved forward slowly . set rules boundaries

better still she can tell me up front and let me chose if i want to try being apart of this unusual behavior

well as for me i would say .. ER well dear there is something you should know about me :heehee:

i guess the moral of the story is one should be honest and up front from the beginning of a relationship ... then many would not be in the mess we are now ..

[Vicky_Scot]

I can't stop thinking about how some of us feel about coming out to our SO's. So, I thought I'd try to put a different spin on it. Try if you can to imagine that you fell in love with this beautifull woman who alway's dressed and acted like a real girly girl. After you have been together for a number of years one night you come home unexpected and found her sitting in your recliner wearing nothing but your t-shirt, boxers, and work socks no make-up jewelry nothing. (maybe smoking a cigar and drinking your beer). You are shocked that she is not wearing her usuall nighty. So, you ask her what this is all about and she tells you that all her life she has secretly dressed as a man and felt more like herself this way. She goes on to tell you that she often wears your business suits and hides her hair when your not around. She, also say's that instead of Jeniffer she refers to herself as Jeff when dressed this way. She tells you she would love to make love this way and possibly try to go out and pass as a man. (I think you get the point by now). My question is would you want everybody to know that she dresses this way and would you be uncomfortable going out with her dressed this way. Another question is would you still have fallen in love with her if she told you this from the beginning or would you think differently finding out her secret later. Would you think she might be gay and want to be with another woman?


So you are going to stop cd'ing then as you can see the effect you doing it will have/has on your SO?

After reading your post and how you put it across then I think that is the least you can do otherwise you are a hypocrit.


would you still have fallen in love with her if she told you this from the beginning

So what you are asking is, would you SO fallen in love with you if she knew you were a CD at the start of the relationship?

In my humble opinion, having that side of us is what attracted our SO to fall in love with us as a person to start with.

Xx Vicky xX

[Danicd]

I guess the purpose of the question was for all of us to try and put ourselves in our SO'S shoes for a moment ( no not literally) and try to better understand other peoples feelings and point of views. I'm all about being honest and wanting to feel better about myself but sometimes we get so wrapped up in ourselves that we become selfish to the point were we can't understand how our actions are affecting the ones we love or want to love. To come out or not come out has to be a very personal and important decision that everyone here should make based solely on your own personal situation. But remember everything we do in life has an affect on the people around us. I'm one of the lucky ones who has a very supportive and understanding SO.


Love and Happiness To All,

Dani

[docrobbysherry]

And would be quite disturbed about her. But what do I know!

My ex was/is a girlie girl. And she's moved from one female to the next, ever since we separated 8 years ago!

[TSchapes]

First of all, this is a good argument for telling a GF or SO about your crossdressing before you get too far involved. I told my GF before and she still married me.

Second, I have a basic problem picturing this scenario because I'm not a typical man (you might have noticed by my avatar). A number of the attributes of a typical man are repugnant to me, so yes I would be upset. However, I don't know if I would be as much upset if I were a normal guy and thought, "Hey great I have another hockey/drinking buddy, pass me one of dem cigars bud"!

[Brynna M]

The image of masculinity you present sounds pretty unappealing. It isn't a crossdressing female trying to look good as a guy or a tom boy. The picture you paint is of a slob.

At the same time I see your point about not getting what was "advertised." Honestly if someone I was interested in, wanted to bum around, some of the time, with male clohes and male grooming habits because its more comfortable and more natural to them then go ahead. But like many SOs I'd also want them to be the girl some of the time too.

[Alice B]

The answer is in your question. "You fell in love". Acceptance for her dressing as a man is no different than her accepting you dressed as a woman, but without the stigma that we all face. If I love the woman than that is all that really matters.

[Joy Carter]

I'd jump in dress and ask her what she wanted for dinner. Then tell her to take that cigar outta my house. :D

[LilSissyStevie]

I'd probably ask, "Is that a pickle in your pocket ... ?":heehee:

[sandra-leigh]

I guess the purpose of the question was for all of us to try and put ourselves in our SO'S shoes for a moment ( no not literally) and try to better understand other peoples feelings and point of views.

You guess ??? You are the original poster: if even you cannot reconstruct your mental processes upon re-reading what you posted, then how the heck are we supposed to follow along?

Was that the purpose of your question, or was it not the purpose of your question? Because it looked to me like the purpose of your original posting was to tell people to lock the closet door firmly shut to save our wifes possible feelings of embarrassment or discomfort.

[Maria2004]

Because it looked to me like the purpose of your original posting was to tell people to lock the closet door firmly shut to save our wifes possible feelings of embarrassment or discomfort.

I don't think so. "An Exercise In Empathy" was a thread posted a couple of years ago by a GG that had a profound and lasting impact on myself personally. She used Diaper Babies those who are into age regression, putting up links to "their" forums and web sites, even shopping sites. It sounded innocent at first, suppose one day my wife told me she sometimes likes to wear diapers and be a baby from time to time, just at home and she's not hurting anyone. It sounded silly to me at first I thought no one really did this.

Then I followed the links....... What I saw was so shocking and unbelievable, and other then the subject matter being discussed, it looked no diffirent then being here at CD.com, or shopping the Breast Form Store. I cannot emphasize enough in words how hard this impacted me. I cleared out my closet and hid everything away in shame and horror at the seven levels of hell my wife went through and still stayed with me, I'm crying now remembering, as my wife cried when we talked about it and how she bitterly wept face in the toilet because she was physically ill.

I think the point of the post is for those of us already out and have supporting SO's that we shouldn't take it for granted. As far as coming out is concerned, right or wrong, it's not for the faint of heart or weak relationships.

Sorry but this is a very emotional thing for me.

[sandra-leigh]

Then I followed the {Diaper Baby} links....... What I saw was so shocking and unbelievable, and other then the subject matter being discussed, it looked no diffirent then being here at CD.com, or shopping the Breast Form Store. I cannot emphasize enough in words how hard this impacted me. I cleared out my closet and hid everything away in shame and horror at the seven levels of hell my wife went through and still stayed with me, I'm crying now remembering, as my wife cried when we talked about it and how she bitterly wept face in the toilet because she was physically ill.

So then the result for you of that thread was that you locked your closet door firmly shut to save your wife possible feelings of embarrassment or discomfort?

[joann07]

Interesting, but I don't think I would be offended or shocked.
I would just think of her as a hot tomboy.

Hugs!

[Roberta Lynn]

I've been a CD for close to 50 years. I know what it's like to go through the mental gymnastics trying to come to terms with something so far from societies perception of 'normal'.

It would be extremely hypocritical of me not to support and accept her.
That doesn't mean I would have to like it.
My wife accepts and supports me. Would she rather I wasn't a Cd? I know she would.
How could I give less love and understanding to her than she gives me?

[Chloe Renee]

Wait,this isn't how things are already? While I keep my CD underwraps she knows and is accepting but not a huge fan. There is an almost constant argument over who the king of the castle so to speak.

Although she will have to take that cigar out of the house...

[Vivian Best]

The world we live in is in constant change, something strange come up everyday! Sometimes life is stranger than fiction. Would I accept my wife doing the man thing? I don't know! I could say, oh yes I'd accept her doing that. But, you never know until you looking at it square in the face!

I never asked to be the way I am, if she were that way, chances are she didn't ask to be that way either! This is just getting to deep for this early in the morning. The bottom line is "we should be lolerant of others feeling, desires and wants." Do we always agree with those needs? Absolutely not! There are many things I don't agree with my wife on and of course there are many things she doesn't agree with me on. CDing is one of the things we really don't agree on. But life goes on.

[Maria2004]

So then the result for you of that thread was that you locked your closet door firmly shut to save your wife possible feelings of embarrassment or discomfort?

No, I was already out, had been out, I shut down to have a heart to heart with my wife, and re-evaluate our relationship and my dressing in light of this revelation that she felt that way. We've come to a new and better understanding and I'm more sensitive to her comfort level. I learned that finding out was such a severe blow, that when I'm pushing the envelope past the point she is ready to follow she can PTSD and I don't want that to happen.

[Melanie R]

This would never happen in my case. My wife loves my femininity as well as my masculinity as I love her femininity and her masculinity. I do know two couples where the wife did come out as a female to male crossdresser. In one of the couples the CD lives full time while the wife dresses as a woman for work and spends all of her time away from the job living as a man. With the other couple the wife lives full time as a man and the husband is enfemme most of the time away from the job. Both of these couples have very solid relationships.

[Joan Lea]

I see your point of view. But it wouldn't bother me in the least. I would love it. She is still the same person. It would certainly add spice to you life.

Joan Lea

[Ruth]

I understand what the original poster is trying to create, but I don't think it works as the opposite of MtF CDing. We try to look like well dressed women, not female slobs. (Or do some of you go for the ****ty, disarranged look?)

[Eugenie]

Interesting "thought experiment" indeed.

If she would tell me quite rudely about her FtM crossdressing mainly by exposing herself without any warning, just as you said, I might be upset for the same reason many GGs are upset: First for being put directly in front of the situation, then after calming somewhat, then I would be even more furious: "Why did you hide this to me for all these years? Why didn't you trust me?"

On the other question "Would I have married her if she had told me?" I can't answer. It may have depended upon what my own nature was. I might have reacted differently if I had always been a crossdresser myself than if the idea of crossdressing never crossed my mind (pun intended)...

But perhaps the "thought experiment" could be pushed further on: what if you suspected that your wife (S/O) was a FtM crossdresser and didn't tell you?

Last "thought experiment": did you ever think that she could be a FtM crossdresser and you just don't know? Just as many here do to their wives or S/Os...

:hugs:
Eugenie

[sandra-leigh]

Last "thought experiment": did you ever think that she could be a FtM crossdresser and you just don't know? Just as many here do to their wives or S/Os...


My wife? No, not likely. She has relatively low impulse control when it comes to buying niceities for herself; I would likely soon find out about it by signing for some package or other ordered over the internet. Hiding something like that from me would be enough of a strain on her behaviour that I would likely notice the spill-over as she cut down on buying other things.

On the other hand, I have a fairly high impulse control (at least in guy mode), much more the type to pre-plan purchases with an eye to the practical operation of concealing it ("Okay, hold off on this until Thursday night because she's working an hour later that night, which would give me time to get to the store and get home before her provided I get out of the store in time to take the 5:47pm #42 bus and transfer to {<etc>}")

[CLARRISA]

I'll make myself unpopular and just say what danicd wants to hear and give GG's that "oh is it really you chavanist pig". and thats.."Its different if you're man"..

[LACD]

Me walking in and finding wife/so in mens' wear? I think I would be dreaming. Seriously, don't women dress in mens wear almost every day? I see women in jeans, t-shirts, ball caps, etc., eveeryday. I would enjoy it if my wife would try some mens clothes on. I don't think she would, but maybe it give her a good idea of how I like womens clothes. At least she is accepting of my CD'ing. Anyway, I agree with the others, get that cigar outside.

[Amy Hepker]

It does not or would not bother me as I know what it is like. The thing is, is that, that is acceptable where what we do is not.

[Danicd]

When I said I guess what I should have said was I guess I should try to explain. The purpose of this exercise was to try and understand and respect others for there feelings and emotions just as we want others to respect and understand ours. By putting ourselfs in another persons position it sometimes helps us to decide how to handle different situations. I sincerely wish the world and society were different but we do have to live with what we have. All of us are different and have different situations to deal with. Personally I am not an advocate of anything but making good choices and living life without regrets.

Love and Happiness to All
Dani

[jessielee]

Dani's call to empathy thought experiment is very good to bear in mind.
a major difference between many of different genders, however, is i beliee more ggs are fine with gong out with their intimate female friends and partners whereas many men fear the way society would look uupin them being out together, unless it was bowluig, or at a sporting event, these are cliches, but you know what i mean. there is out and there is "out."
ot tomboy, i like that.
once dressed a platonic friend girl in a tuxedo for a job interview, even tied her bowtie, the old fashioned kind. never seemed masculine in the least. in fact, hot was and is hot.
but drinking my beer is too much. what's next, leaving the seat up and little hairs in the sink and on the soap? belching tunes? scratching in public?
ewwwww.
jessie
(don't drink or smoke or go out with guys who do!)

[Laura Jane]

this beautifull woman who alway's dressed and acted like a real girly girl. .... you come home unexpected and found her sitting in your recliner wearing nothing but your t-shirt, boxers, and work socks no make-up jewelry nothing. (maybe smoking a cigar and drinking your beer)


Does rather miss the point that women can dress in male mode in eveyday life and no on bats an eye, unlike a CDer wanting to dress feminine Couldn't see the scenario you paint coming true out of the Blue, ie dressing ultra feminine all the time then bam!

Now, if we talked about a tomboyish girl saying she wanted to grow or wear facial hair etc you might be more on the same level!

[charlie]

I can't stop thinking about how some of us feel about coming out to our SO's. So, I thought I'd try to put a different spin on it. Try if you can to imagine that you fell in love with this beautifull woman who alway's dressed and acted like a real girly girl. After you have been together for a number of years one night you come home unexpected and found her sitting in your recliner wearing nothing but your t-shirt, boxers, and work socks no make-up jewelry nothing. (maybe smoking a cigar and drinking your beer). You are shocked that she is not wearing her usuall nighty. So, you ask her what this is all about and she tells you that all her life she has secretly dressed as a man and felt more like herself this way. She goes on to tell you that she often wears your business suits and hides her hair when your not around. She, also say's that instead of Jeniffer she refers to herself as Jeff when dressed this way. She tells you she would love to make love this way and possibly try to go out and pass as a man. (I think you get the point by now). My question is would you want everybody to know that she dresses this way and would you be uncomfortable going out with her dressed this way. Another question is would you still have fallen in love with her if she told you this from the beginning or would you think differently finding out her secret later. Would you think she might be gay and want to be with another woman?

Wonderful point...and quite terrifying as well! I would noit accept it, so how could my wife?